Aspies For Freedom

one of my current special interests is studying about cults, terrorists.  I wonder if many cult or terror cell leaders are sociopaths.

I also want to know how to tell if someone is a sociopath when first meeting them.

They know they're different.They act "normal". They think and feel different and they hide it.Hmmm.Sounds familiar.

"You're a racist. Ha ha, just kidding."
"You're a sociopath.  Ha ha, just kidding."

My second son does stuff pretty much like that and then gets upset when people pound him for it.  I keep trying to remind him of the rule that "I was just joking." does not erase a consequence or response.  If it would be hurtful without saying "I was just joking." then it will be hurtful even with "I was just joking."

Sorry to intrude, but could you try putting 1-2 spaces between your sentences?  That would make your posts easier to read.

A narcissist sees other people as objects of self gratification. They are the center of the universe, and everything else exists to serve them. If you do anything for most people, its seen as a favor, warranting at the very least a thank you. If you do anything for a narcissism, its seen as part of an unfulfillable obligation you had to him/her since before you were born. And since your obligation is unfulfillable, nothing you do for the narcissist will ever be good enough. But s/he will certainly keep letting you do him/her favors, all while bashing you for not doing them right.

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If a narcissist is discovered as such and publicly accused of wrongdoing, s/he will resort to further attention seeking behavior, to do anything possible to refute these claims. This includes blaming, accusations, lying, and even violence if it gets other people to agree with him/her. After all, to a narcissist there’s no difference between the substance of agreement and the act of agreement, so either will do just fine.

If he really is a narcissist, than the only thing he'll do in response to that is blame you for the failure of the marriage. Then he'll try to get you to do more things for him.

What about if someone is both.  If their childhood experiences and environment led them to need to blame others and not ever take personal responsibility?  It makes sense that if one is never really treated with respect, that they would never have any modeling and with perceptual difficulties, they might develop a pretty sick way of dealing with wrongdoing and guilt.

Ergo is one of those people who does both the AS things and the Sociopathic things.  He has never taken responsibility for anything he has done without qualifying it, minimizing it or deflecting it.  He publicly will admit to things superfically when pressed, but if I do the pressing...(out him) for some act of -
irresponsibility etc. I am in SERIOUS trouble when we get home.  He has used this tactic as leverage for me to keep his secrets.  He said just two days ago to me that he had had a revelation and now believes that all the things that he did to me and our family were really my fault and I forced his hand in everything.  Ridiculous as it is clear to the world that I followed him to the ends of the earth and arranged my life around his needs.  Could it be that he is feeling guilt and since he cannot process it, he has developed the coping strategy of dumping his negative feelings on the nearest loving person... villifying them and freeing himself from the necessity to atone or change?  

he has never followed through on any promise or commitment to self improvement in the entire time I have known him.  He just finds reasons to make his problems someone elses problems.  Even if it means alienating your wife and chlidren.  

That disregard for social norms....  He told me in what I call a moment of clarity that once he acquires something... on credit, through mutual arrangement or by negotiation, once he is in posession of whatever it is, he feels entitled to it and doesn't think he should have to "pay" for it. To the tune of a wholly unnurtured marriage (Paid for it, no more work need be done) to $450,000 in undisclosed debt (allegedly to avoid being found out to be a bad money manager) Is that sociopathic?  It seems to fit.  He also has become angry at me in the past when I would not go  out drinking with him. He said that I never wanted him to have fun and I wanted to control him.  

Callous lack of concern.... CREEPY lack of concern.  My sister in law was over talking about her abusive husband and she started to cry.  Hard.  Ergo was in the kitchen not 5 feet away and he just stood there hummin and tried to change the subject by talking about some inane thing he heard on the news.  When I found out about the money thing, I felt so betrayed that I ran to my room sobbing curled up in the fetal position on my bed and he stormed in and asked if he was in danger and if I was going to hurt HIM????.  He's 6'4, I'm 5'8 and he outweighs me by at least 70 or 80 pounds... AND I AM SOBBING IN THE FETAL POSITION!!!  (basically saying Why Why Why What am I going to do etc) He now claims that he felt threatened by my emotion... but my emotion was totally appropriate and proportional to the huge betrayal and life shattering implications of that kind of a lie.... He had NO COMPASSION and in the moment NEVER has.  And has usually thrown shame on top of whatever else I was feeling.

I have never been able to voice a concern or show feeling without it being transformed into some way I have betrayed him by making him feel so bad.  Even when it has nothing to do with him.  Could it be that these are maladaptive coping strategies for someone with AS who was raised in a highly competitive environment where emotions were not talked about?  and Shamed???  What do you think?????  It could be that Sociopaths are created in this way.    

I have never seen him feel guilty in any traditional sense. I have seen him try to cover things up so the wrong doesn't come to light.  If it does, he brilliantly laughs it off or acts artificially humble and gets very mad at whoever brought it out when we are alone.  But I have never seen meaningful and genuine regret and I have never seen him stick with anything long enough to effect change.  He quits every program (exercise, therapy, healthy eating, self monitoring etc) long before any effects could possibly be seen.

NEVER has learned from the past.  I saw someone on another site compare it to Groundhog Day.  No progress.  Ever.

Blame and Rationalizations.  My life with Ergo.  

I thought last sept when I discovered the mountain of debt that he might be sociopathic.  It fit perfectly...But you can't do anything about sociopaths.  SO when we discovered AS and he registered pretty high,  I decided it was the only way I could live with him without immense fear of his lack of visible remorse and his very apparent desire to fix all blame on me, or his job, or his family and to never take responsibility, learn new skills etc.  I thought that the DX would give him the freedom to explore real possibilities of working better in the world.  Instead he became more and more aggressive and intolerant and jeckyll and hydeish...claiming that He has Asperger's so need to just accept whatever he does and not show any anger and lower my affect during all emotionally charged interactions.

CAN it be BOTH?????  or am I just living with a Sociopath with Add or something that shows up diagnostically as AS.

You're just intentionally pretending to be stupid.  I've got news for you, it has been my observation that EVERY SINGLE PERSON has done this at one time or another.  Hell's bells!  You've just describe the typical behavior of ANY cultural minority when in the presence of the dominant culture.  Of course, nobody (well, almost nobody) reading this would be dim-witted enough to believe that this sort of behavior is a sign of sociopathy.

One set of criteria include the following:

Callous unconcern for the feelings of others--not inability to figure them out.

Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations--note, ATTITUDE and DISREGARD, not inability to understand or comprehend.  VERY DIFFERENT from the spectrum.

Incapacity to experience guilt and to profit from experience, particularly punishment.

Marked proneness to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior bringing the subject into conflict.

Holy ***.

micgrace, how would a psychopath react when he finds out he's found out? (worried)

That I'm trying to skirt around. Anything could happen (and does unfortunately). The best suggestion is to move house fast (just take what you need, cut accounts anything) and provide no contact information (or contact the physcopath) and that includes to relatives  no matter how tempting (of course you can phone them). And immediately report to the police the person concerned without delay. And actively oppose bail. And provide a victim statement since you are the victim.

Very, very dangerous situation. Take care.