Hi there you lovely lot
This isnt a real issue but Im wondering if I handled the situation in the right way with my son
Yesterday my 8 yr old son came home from school really upset (he has only just started the school and this week is his first week of full days, but he does come home for lunch which is helping him to de stress and also preventing what Im about to describe about play time)
He came home and told me that this lad and a couple of others told him that he was "DISABLED" the main little chap saying this actually has muscular dystrophy ?sp and uses a wheelchair to help him get around and had said to him "you are disabled , you are just like me" My son replied to him "I only have AUTISM!Im not disabled like you" The group pf children possibly finding sport with his reaction then put him through a series of tests in the playground including running around and general movement (there is a query as to whether my son has dyspraxia and possible epilepsy too and therefore he can at times have odd body movements)
Anyway when I collected him he was near to tears about the above mentioned event and I told him look babes what you have is technically described as a "DISABILITY" but that its the world that "DISABLES" you because they dont understand, you stand there looking so beautiful and so perfect and they cant understand" He then really broke down and said that he thought that i think he is "disabled" too..... Now the term Disabled in our house has never been a negative thing which makes me think that the lads approached him in a threatening way or that he has misunderstood them and reacted badly
what would you have said to your children?
Im starting to think that whatever I say to him was going to be wrong. Bless his heart I am really praying they sort a statement for him soon that will cover him with a one to one from the minute he starts school, throughout playtimes and right to the end of the school day... he only feels relaxed with adults and these adults generally have to be female for him to feel his most comfortable.
what are your views?
Hi there you lovely lot
This isnt a real issue but Im wondering if I handled the situation in the right way with my son
Yesterday my 8 yr old son came home from school really upset (he has only just started the school and this week is his first week of full days, but he does come home for lunch which is helping him to de stress and also preventing what Im about to describe about play time)
He came home and told me that this lad and a couple of others told him that he was "DISABLED" the main little chap saying this actually has muscular dystrophy ?sp and uses a wheelchair to help him get around and had said to him "you are disabled , you are just like me" My son replied to him "I only have AUTISM!Im not disabled like you" The group pf children possibly finding sport with his reaction then put him through a series of tests in the playground including running around and general movement (there is a query as to whether my son has dyspraxia and possible epilepsy too and therefore he can at times have odd body movements)
Anyway when I collected him he was near to tears about the above mentioned event and I told him look babes what you have is technically described as a "DISABILITY" but that its the world that "DISABLES" you because they dont understand, you stand there looking so beautiful and so perfect and they cant understand" He then really broke down and said that he thought that i think he is "disabled" too..... Now the term Disabled in our house has never been a negative thing which makes me think that the lads approached him in a threatening way or that he has misunderstood them and reacted badly
what would you have said to your children?
Im starting to think that whatever I say to him was going to be wrong. Bless his heart I am really praying they sort a statement for him soon that will cover him with a one to one from the minute he starts school, throughout playtimes and right to the end of the school day... he only feels relaxed with adults and these adults generally have to be female for him to feel his most comfortable.
what are your views?
Read him 'the ugly duckling' and then tell him that we define ourselves, and if we listen to how others see us then we don't see ourselves properly. Well - put it in language he can understand anyways
Show him a mirror that doesn't reflect properly, like it bends the light and distorts, then tell him how other people see us is exactly like that mirror. It doesn't show things clearly. Only he can be a perfect mirror and that takes time and growing up for everyone to realise.
One day, your little man will be a swan.
Was this guy at primary who always made fun of people with mental disabilities. So it isn't always easy to look positively at the word "Funksjonshemma" when "hemma" also is used regarding anything bad or stuff not working. Hemmet/hemma basically means impaired, so Funksjonshemmet means Functionally Impaired.
Meh for every person who believes me inferior, three believe me superior.
:p
I think he expressed himself 'wrongly', well, nastily is more the word I'm looking for, but, I like part of what he said for another reason, not the part of his directing it against the guy with MD (although if he was being a prick, then he possibly deserves it
)
'I'm not disabled, I'm autistic'
I really like that, especially at 8 years old, it shows you have taught him well, not to autie-matically assume (pun intended
) that autism is a bad thing, or that he has to have a negative self image of himself for being autistic, please, don't let that die in him
The boy in the wheelchair is right that your son has a disability and that makes them like each other. It seems that your son is bigoted as well. The label 'disability' is neither negative nor shameful to me. What is shameful is if I act as if it is.
The nature of the other 99+% of the world is an obsession with ensuring that they are not the one at the bottom of the heap. If they see a child who is good looking, knows the answers to questions, and who seems to have the attention of powerful adults, they will seek at least equality using whatever level of skills they have. If the only thing that they have is an ability to discern and aggravate emotional turmoil, they win a social position that we would not want even if we could get it. They will continue in this endeavour until they are brought down, or they become adult and learn to do the same thing with increased subtlety.
If you are able to convey to your son that the 'disability' label will both add and subtract from his life, and that he should use whatever good comes from it in order to minimise the bad, then he will be a long way toward mental health and maturity. He will be assisted in areas of need, and added to his ASD, he will be always 'able' to see and do more than the others.
Show your son how to work to his strengths ... despite current western practices, his life does not have to be lived according to his deficits.
The boy in the wheelchair is right that your son has a disability and that makes them like each other.
yeah, after reading this thread I feel sad for the kid in the wheelchair because I could only imagine what he felt when the other kid yelled, "no i'm not like you," when he only wanted to find something in common with someone else.
kids are cruel...
Too:
Short? Tall?
White? Other?
Fat? Thin?
Young? Old?
Poor? Rich?
Immoral? Amoral? Moral?
Uneducated? Educated?
Religious? Irreligious?
Dependent? Independent?
Smart? Smart-arsed?
Some things are my own doing. Some are not. Some change regularly. Others do not.
First and foremost, I am biologically a human being (not sure about some other people I know). From that existence, all is informed by the biological fact that I am an Aspie. BUT, regardless of anything else, I am me and have every intention of making the best of me whenever and wherever I can.
Dysfunctional socialisation:
I do not want to expend the energy required to make small talk, in the name of socialisation. If they just leave me alone, we will all be happier.
Dysfunctional communication:
If they go away and leave me with a broadband connected computer, I promise to communicate with them every day.
Obsessive interests:
I have an obsessive interest in helping those with an ASD to live in a world that makes no effort to understand how to socialise and communicate with me. If they go away and leave me with a braodband computer and I communicate with them everyday, I promise that I will work out exactly how and when and where and why they need to swarm ... and therefore what they can do about it. That should stop wars, and football, and christmas sales ...
I can understand why people support the idea of alleviating the distress of those experiencing pain and suffering due to their own or loved ones ill health. However, I hope that the majority would not/will not take the eugenicists' viewpoint of sterilisation of parents or detruction of foetuses based upon public funded research. I thnk the expression is: "Throwing the baby out with the bathwater."
I am happy to be a caring smart-arse in a world full of the others.
I wanted to explain that to you who feel that he was being nasty... he does lack the ability of saying the "correct social thing" but actually who was at fault here wasnt him ... had the lads not been picking on him this wouldnt have even arisen would it?!
I know that you are frustrated and depressed by the whole siutation with your son and his schooling, but he can learn. You have a responsibility to explain to him step-by-step what happened, what was understood, and what he should do in future. If he does not get it the first time, there will be many more opportunities in his life for you to repeat it, because it will happen again and again.
You say that it wasn't a matter of him being nasty, but the boys being nasty to him. BUT, what he said would have been received as nasty by the boy in the wheelchair.
'Like' and 'not like' are not measured in the same way by children. If he cannot respond spontaneously, they will give him hell. He could always learn the death stare ... standing still with a blank look (flat affect) gives one time to process input and make an informed decision.
There are conditional truths in every situation. If he is unable to understand that others think differently, that is that they think totally different thoughts about the same situation, then it may be better to homeschool him for a while. If he weren't there, it wouldn't have happened at all.
There are few absolutes in this life, and I would hate for him to get to my age before learning that other people really don't care how much you are struggling or how hard you are working unless it can be used for their benefit (curebies) or amusement (small, but significant numbers of people in most walks of life).
We are particularly good at cause and effect when it is visible. If you break everything down into its components, and debrief him each day, you will see him begin to make connections between events and situations. It will matter less that they are creeps, and by then he will be the best at whatever he chooses to do, and they will be asking for help with their homework.
I realise that I may sound cynical and even a little defeatist, but your son is still young enough to learn positive rather than negative responses. Telling him that those kids are mean and nasty and to just ignore them will teach him nothing. If he is teased and subjected to put-downs and does not learn from them, his neurodevelopment will reflect that.
He has love at home. Build on it.
Thanks Zed
I absolutely do that on a daily basis. I will tell him that he needs to put others emotions first despite what they are saying or doing to him and how it makes him feel.
That wasn't what I meant. Tell your son that they behave without logical thought (actually, without thinking much at all). He should not put them first, but neither should he say the first (logical) thing that comes into his head. I can almost guarantee that they will NOT react in a way that makes sense to him.
There may be a place or activity that he is allowed rather than spending his with kids who have a new toy to break or dismantle. I spent several years of school lunchtimes running the library. I would do the same now.
I think what you need to do is have someone well trained and knowledgable about these issues to take your son and the lad in the wheelchair aside, give them some cake and tea, and very carefully explore with them how they think and feel about things, leading them to a better understanding of each other and themselves.
The best result would be for the lad in the wheelchair to look out for your son, and for your son to appreciate that the lad in the wheelchair is a boy, not a disability. A trained counsellor should be able to manage that.
Well - we learn best by example sometimes, and the lad in the wheelchair certainly caught your sons attention. I'm sure it'll work out Ok with a bit of pro guidance.
I think that by your son's view on disabilty, he may think that a person in a wheelchair is disabled, but may not realized that there are other disabilies, including autism. Show him that there are different types of disabilities, the ones that are seen, unseen, and misunderstood.
It is more of a strength/weakness thing, a rating of 1 to 100, not a clear cut yes/no thing.
social perception 67
pattern recognition 91
mathematical 98
Tourettes = impulse control
Autism = social situational awareness, social perception, social response, social reaction time