Hi there you lovely lot
This isnt a real issue but Im wondering if I handled the situation in the right way with my son
Yesterday my 8 yr old son came home from school really upset (he has only just started the school and this week is his first week of full days, but he does come home for lunch which is helping him to de stress and also preventing what Im about to describe about play time)
He came home and told me that this lad and a couple of others told him that he was "DISABLED" the main little chap saying this actually has muscular dystrophy ?sp and uses a wheelchair to help him get around and had said to him "you are disabled , you are just like me" My son replied to him "I only have AUTISM!Im not disabled like you" The group pf children possibly finding sport with his reaction then put him through a series of tests in the playground including running around and general movement (there is a query as to whether my son has dyspraxia and possible epilepsy too and therefore he can at times have odd body movements)
Anyway when I collected him he was near to tears about the above mentioned event and I told him look babes what you have is technically described as a "DISABILITY" but that its the world that "DISABLES" you because they dont understand, you stand there looking so beautiful and so perfect and they cant understand" He then really broke down and said that he thought that i think he is "disabled" too..... Now the term Disabled in our house has never been a negative thing which makes me think that the lads approached him in a threatening way or that he has misunderstood them and reacted badly
what would you have said to your children?
Im starting to think that whatever I say to him was going to be wrong. Bless his heart I am really praying they sort a statement for him soon that will cover him with a one to one from the minute he starts school, throughout playtimes and right to the end of the school day... he only feels relaxed with adults and these adults generally have to be female for him to feel his most comfortable.
what are your views?
We have worked very hard to let our daughter know that every person is different, and each person has different struggles and gifts.
We have tried to make her very aware that she is incredibly smart and beautiful, creative and kind, and wonderful.
We have done all of this in preparation for exactly what you described.
We really did think that she would get a lot of talk from the other kids as she goes to see the resource teacher and has an aide in class and such. While she has had issues, it is more with her feeling like she is behind the other kids, rather than the other kids pointing that out to her.
She does have some social difficulties, but the kids are not so direct in their comments.
I think that what they did to him was cruel and terrible. I think that you should talk to the teachers about it and let them know what is going on. And I like alectrum's post and suggestions as well.
I always figure, build them up at home as much as you can, the world will bring them down.
Hi there you lovely lot
This isnt a real issue but Im wondering if I handled the situation in the right way with my son
Yesterday my 8 yr old son came home from school really upset (he has only just started the school and this week is his first week of full days, but he does come home for lunch which is helping him to de stress and also preventing what Im about to describe about play time)
He came home and told me that this lad and a couple of others told him that he was "DISABLED" the main little chap saying this actually has muscular dystrophy ?sp and uses a wheelchair to help him get around and had said to him "you are disabled , you are just like me" My son replied to him "I only have AUTISM!Im not disabled like you" The group pf children possibly finding sport with his reaction then put him through a series of tests in the playground including running around and general movement (there is a query as to whether my son has dyspraxia and possible epilepsy too and therefore he can at times have odd body movements)
Anyway when I collected him he was near to tears about the above mentioned event and I told him look babes what you have is technically described as a "DISABILITY" but that its the world that "DISABLES" you because they dont understand, you stand there looking so beautiful and so perfect and they cant understand" He then really broke down and said that he thought that i think he is "disabled" too..... Now the term Disabled in our house has never been a negative thing which makes me think that the lads approached him in a threatening way or that he has misunderstood them and reacted badly
what would you have said to your children?
Im starting to think that whatever I say to him was going to be wrong. Bless his heart I am really praying they sort a statement for him soon that will cover him with a one to one from the minute he starts school, throughout playtimes and right to the end of the school day... he only feels relaxed with adults and these adults generally have to be female for him to feel his most comfortable.
what are your views?
I would get out the dictionary - it is "official" and he knows that it won't be biased like you (not that you are). So if peers managed to get into his head - easy to do when one is a. that age and b. under stress or c. being nit-picked or picked on...feeling singled out
anyway in my dictionary and no doubt in yours - your kid is not disabled.
Of course you have to be mindful -as Korigan said, to impress upon your children as I try to every day woth mine - that each person is unique and should not be compared to one another and all that.
your son may be upset by the word- and you m,ay be upset that the words were given power - and as an adult you know that you can choose to not give others power or others words power...
here is my dictionary's definition of
disability- n. the state of being disabled; incapacity
or disable -v.t. to make incapable or physically unfit; to disqualify
Your son can make a list of the many gifts and things that is he is capable of and get the idea of being disabled right out of his head - or just make the word justanother word in the dictionary - look up a bunch of them to take the sting out of them....
I think that you may have already doen this, but explaining to your child that lashing out at another - like the kid in the wheelchair and using the I/m not and you are - is not the best tact to take - though I jnow you won't want him to feel bad about it, it was a rather natural reaction....
I think he expressed himself 'wrongly', well, nastily is more the word I'm looking for, but, I like part of what he said for another reason, not the part of his directing it against the guy with MD (although if he was being a prick, then he possibly deserves it
)
'I'm not disabled, I'm autistic'
I really like that, especially at 8 years old, it shows you have taught him well, not to autie-matically assume (pun intended
) that autism is a bad thing, or that he has to have a negative self image of himself for being autistic, please, don't let that die in him
I agree with lestat!
I'm amazed that that boy came up to him and said he was disabled like that!!
my cousin (who has A.S and ADHD) was bullied mainly by some kid who had a severely autistic sister!! apparently he was really understanding of his sister but he bullied my cousin because he was autistic?!?!
and lestat get on msn now!!!! j/k
...but I have ADHD and I don't consider that a disability. Is it? Is autism? Not in the same sense as the wheelchair, maybe, but...
I think you should go out of your way to be nice to wheelchair kid. Though that's not really on topic.
I don't really recommend giving him a dopey metaphor to chew on; I don't think kids ever really swallow that stuff (maybe it tastes bad? Ok, analogy done now.)
Hi,
I don't know if this will help but I have one with Aspergers and I surround him with pictures and stories of famous people who have or are suspected to have had Aspergers. These include Tom Jefferson, Einstein, Edison, Jim Henson, Andy Warhol and possibly even Bill Gates. My kids, all on the spectrum are never referred to as learning disabled but learning difference. My child with Aspergers is well aware he can't read body language or figures of speech and is very clear with those around him about it. If he thinks he's missing a social cue he will explain he has Aspergers and ask if the person is upset, surprised, concerned or about whatever social cue he thinks he missed. Spectrum kids are not disabled in my book, they just think extremely differently, something the world is sorely in need of. Hope this helps. C.J.
I did tell my son it wasnt nice to say what he said to the lilttle lad in the wheelchair... but what he actually said was "I only have autism. I am not disabled like you" - from what I understand about Autism and my son this will have been a very logical response considering what the other little lad did actually say to him which was " you are disabled. you are JUST LIKE ME" My son was factually right therefore .. because he is NOT JUST LIKE him... you need to understand that if I say to him "you are just like me" he will argue that he isnt because 1) he isnt female, 2, he isnt an adult 3, he doesnt have long hair etc .....
What actually happened in this situation was that the lads were poking fun at my son, they were actually being nasty to him and making him conform to their testing eg running around in certain amount of time etc to PROVE to HIM that HE IS INDEED Disabled!
He is amazingly black and white and actually is a sensitive lad , he will not have sought these lads out to be nasty to because he simply doesnt function in that way .. in fact this is the first time he has been within his first proper age group ... before that he was in the lower year because his emotional development and his mental development are considerably lower than most 8 year old boys... indeed he seeks out children aged between 0 and 6 to play with usually because this is the age level where he feels most comfortable and probably because at this stage the majority of play is "play alongside" and not full on interaction.
I wanted to explain that to you who feel that he was being nasty... he does lack the ability of saying the "correct social thing" but actually who was at fault here wasnt him ... had the lads not been picking on him this wouldnt have even arisen would it?!
I dont think of him as "disabled" I think of him as extremely gifted in certain areas, but I am frustrated to tears at how he is sometimes.. eg not knowing what to do, not dressing himself, despite the usual routines and the pictures etc if I dont tell him to look at the pictures then he wont do anything unless I am there step by step...same in class if he isnt directed to the visual timetable whats the point of having it there?!!! he wont remember to go look for the visual timetable cos he simply isnt "switched on" saying that he is 8 years old and playing WoW, makes the most incredible pictures on the computer and can retain factual information like a genius. I am very blessed to have my son and all I want to do is to help to boost his self confidence . On that note thank you everyone for your suggestions for how to help him I will incorporate some of those for him. I have told the school that this incident happened ... funnily enough when i dropped my lad into school the day this happened the little lad in the wheelchair looked dead on to my son and said "die arsehole die" ... this was first thing and prior to the playground incident.. I think his frustration stems from the sharing of his LSA with my son... but I will keep an eye on the school thing.. the last thing my son needs is more people picking on him.
Also perhaps the children are nicer to the lad in the wheelchair because they can SEE his disability but they pick on my son because quite frankly he can appear "odd" at times but looks absolutely physically "normal" ... what do you think?
Thanks Zed
I absolutely do that on a daily basis. I will tell him that he needs to put others emotions first despite what they are saying or doing to him and how it makes him feel.
Ok Zed sorry I misinterpreted what you wrote.
He has had a long and painful school history thus far. Im his mum and Im going to do all I can to protect him from feeling bad. He actually comes home for lunch and as I wrote he has only just started going to school for the whole day this week... which means I drop him in to school at 09.00 and pick him up at 12.30 return him to school at 1.30 and collect him at 3.20 again.... I do this to help him to not become too overloaded and gives him the time at lunch time to sort of download from the morning...
As he has only been at this school for 3 weeks they are still implementing things for him and on my wish list for him is that he has additional support in the classroom (which he has) and that he also has someone with him at playtime and lunch time so that he can access a full and "normal" school day.
He really does stuggle with understanding stuff, becomes overloaded so easily and as I said he does have some "odd" body movements, is shortly to be investigated for his absences and on top of that has a very weak chest which resulted last year in about 4 weeks absence from school all told. He has a recent diagnosis of "autistic spectrum disorder" but paed said not sure if this is Aspergers therefore more autistic route than support given for "higher functioning" as in aspergers.
I like your analagy of the other children having a new toy to break or dismantle .. it does feel like that to me too I just really want his self esteem boosted and then hopefully his academic abilities will flourish along with his self confidence and ability to cope with negative interactions.
Thats a fab idea Alectrum.
I spoke with my son about this this morning and my son actually really likes this little lad in the wheelchair and everyone in the class definitely does see him as a fellow person. I think it was the friends of this lad rather than the lad himself ... i do wonder if the event would have gone differently had it just been the two of them chatting rather than the other lads making him do stuff he clearly didnt want to do and the point was they were trying to prove to him that the label of "disabled" should be accepted by him.
I think we have got off track a little on this thread... really I was asking your opinions on how best to approach the situation and how I could show him that even if society does say he has a "disability" that it doesnt have to be a negative thing and that he doesnt have to take it on board if his peers decide to use the label of "disabled" as a attack against him
Wow, that last bunch of posts (really the whole thread) went really well and was so well thought out, and Zed, well put! I have been rading alot of your posts and learning a couple things too! Rosetta, I am right there with you, I can't add anything but a HUG to what alectrum and Zed are saying and obviously you are working things out really well - and the best you can, keeping your childs health and well-being always at the forefront... It is hard(to say the very least) to focus on those little details of charecter development when a child feels like they are in crisis themself. thanks for the great posts.
(still so naive - so idealistic!) where is the adult supervision in public school!) none of this happens in a (good) catholic school - it is taken care of by common sense and kindness and compassion...
The boy in the wheelchair is right that your son has a disability and that makes them like each other. It seems that your son is bigoted as well. The label 'disability' is neither negative nor shameful to me. What is shameful is if I act as if it is.
The nature of the other 99+% of the world is an obsession with ensuring that they are not the one at the bottom of the heap. If they see a child who is good looking, knows the answers to questions, and who seems to have the attention of powerful adults, they will seek at least equality using whatever level of skills they have. If the only thing that they have is an ability to discern and aggravate emotional turmoil, they win a social position that we would not want even if we could get it. They will continue in this endeavour until they are brought down, or they become adult and learn to do the same thing with increased subtlety.
If you are able to convey to your son that the 'disability' label will both add and subtract from his life, and that he should use whatever good comes from it in order to minimise the bad, then he will be a long way toward mental health and maturity. He will be assisted in areas of need, and added to his ASD, he will be always 'able' to see and do more than the others.
Show your son how to work to his strengths ... despite current western practices, his life does not have to be lived according to his deficits.
Well, Zed, Dr. Hans Asperger certainly didn't think that his "little professors" were "disabled"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_Asperg...r_syndrome. We neuro-diverse are different NOT disabled. All indivisuals have strengths and weaknesses. Maybe an aspie can program a computer, and you can't. Are you then disabled? Here is a song I like, which is appropiate for this subject. http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/wills...-9742.html
Thanks Zed
I absolutely do that on a daily basis. I will tell him that he needs to put others emotions first despite what they are saying or doing to him and how it makes him feel.
Why? What makes other people's feelings more important? What matters is not how you feel, but what is. We aspies aren't disabled. And moreover we certainly aren't crippled. Anyone who would think that we are crippled, and/or ***, is ignorant and arrogant. If the truth hurts then so be it. But I feel that freedom of speech is far more important than how someone might feel. If no one were allowed to offend others, there would be no talk radio programs. I haapen to enjoy hearing people's opinions. Even one's I dislike, and/or disagree with.