Aspies For Freedom

Your mother needs to take a mountain of chill pills and grow up.  That's what that boils down to.  So there wasn't a phone call, so BIG DEAL!  Who could be so insecure and immature as to have a freakout over lack of a phone call on a day that is merely some arbitrary marketing scheme in the first place?

We're a funny lot us NTs.  Addicted to our rituals and we like cards, presents and surprises!  I know that is a bit difficult for those who find those things weird - my husband for example - but it really does hurt if you think you have been 'forgotten'.  Not only do you feel unloved but you have to put up with your friends, neighbours, colleagues, man down the road etc rubbing it in by asking what you have received from the important person who has 'forgotten' you.  I try to make sure that my OH remembers important dates for his family - but sadly he often forgets me!  I pretend not to mind as I know he doesn't do it on purpose but inside it hurts badly.  I try to remind him myself but feel resentful because part of me feels he should remember by himself (illogical I know).

If you have offended some one - even if it is not on purpose - say sorry.  An apology does make things better for most people.  If you really love your mum, ring or write and tell her so and say you are sorry you missed the day.  It may be hard for you to think of the feelings of others, but if you forget try to realise that you have hurt them and make an explanation.

Addictions are unhealthy and need to be overcome.  Maybe you need to overcome your addictions to these rites you impose on us.

What about thinking of the feelings of those of us who do not blindly and mindlessly zombie along with the rites of the mob?  Why not demand that the mob respect and accord the SAME AMOUNT OF HONOR to our individual rituals as they demand for their mob rituals?

When the world at large gives the same respect to things I respect, like Shakespeare's Birthday, as they do to commercial scams like "Mother's Day", I'll meet them halfway.  So long as the world at large demands a "right" to simultaneously ignore or denigrate what I love and for me to give adoration to things that are meaningless to me, I will not budge.  I am ready to work to meet halfway, but I REFUSE to be shoved all the way into their little zombie box.

It's a lack of trust thing.  "I don't really believe you love me, so you have to keep proving it to me by spending money on socially-defined dates and in specific, socially-defined ways."

No-one said anything about money.  Calling someone to say you care is nice. I'm not skinny, or privileged, I don't expect everyone to conform and actually don't celebrate Mother's Day myself.  I was just trying to explain why someone might feel hurt if you didn't call.

Why does it hurt to apologise if you have hurt someone?  That is not AS or NT, it is just kind.  I live in a foreign country.  I don't always get the social things right - but if I accidently offend I say sorry.  I understand that you may not see it that way but I often feel that many people here plead for understanding but want it to be a one way thing.  Understanding goes two ways.  I took the OP to mean that he was sad that he had accidentally offended his mum.  Well, unless she is really horrid she'll accept sorry and try to understand.

You are right energeia - concessions for people you care about are worth making.  I don't have any birthday presents now as my OH finds it too difficult to do presents.  My concession as I actually LIKE presents (not about monetary value - I don't care what they cost).  We try hard to understand each other and concessions are made on BOTH sides.

No one is imposing anything on anyone but strangely no-one here likes it if people don't try to understand them.  Is understanding only one way?

And the guy who started this thread SENT AN E-CARD!  But that's not good enough, is it?

That's what society tells me.  *I* have to make all the concessions.  *I* have to be understanding of society at large, but the NTs don't have to do jack for me.  So I'm digging in my heels and insisting on meeting halfway.  My entire life, *I* have been the one expected to make ALL the adjustments to fit the silly little customs of a senseless and nonsensical world.  What did it get me?  Always wrong, always having to apologize, usually alone and miserable.  I could have ended up that way WITHOUT having wasted all the effort trying to be a good little zombie.

So, why bother if the results turn out the same either way?

That isn't to say that she likes the word darling in private too.

Calling, cards, flowers, take her to dinner, jewelry.... all the ways to take care of mom never ends.   I was depressed yesterday.  Maybe cuz it was Mother's Day and Mom is dead since 2003.

I was kind of sad too when my brother did not call me or send a card or even an email on my birthday.  Oh well.  He is only a short distance away, maybe five miles, eight kilometers.

Oh well.  On a brighter side, tounge in cheek, I'm surprised jewelry stores don't have ads to Aspies that include something explicit about engagement, marriage, and sex.  Like have a toll-free number like 1-800-GET-LA*D or GET S*ME.  The stores are selling to men, right?

A little jingle like

You know you love her, right?
You want to go make her your wife
Time to go take two months of pay
engaged to be married, and get la*d

Go get what is yours
Steve's Jewelers

E-cards are probably a generation thing.  Some people would see that as not caring and want personal contact.  Not saying that is right but maybe that is the reason for the OPs mother's response (or maybe she doesn't open her e-mail).

Sorry you feel the way you do Dogbrain.  And I hope you find people who are prepared to make the effort for you - they do exist you know.  All I'm trying to do is explain - you don't have to accept my views.  I try very hard (don't always get it right) to understand the views of those here.  I'm not right - but I'm different - that is OK isn't it?

What is wrong with WANTING TO BE MET HALFWAY?????

Explain that.  How is it wrong to want to COMPROMISE and refuse to be a doormat?

I didn't mean that Dogbrain.  I meant I'm sorry you felt that no-one would meet you half way and that you felt you had to make all the concessions.  That is not good and it is a shame if society has made you feel that way.  Compromise is good.

I'd have nightmares after Dad died that he wasn't really dead.... dang it, he could hurt people's feelings by yelling at them..... probably rude and misunderstood, but I hate to think deep in my unconscious mind I think he's some kind of monster.

I really do think that somebody who would get so huffy over these things is acting very immaturely. By all means she could have said she was disappointed that you forgot particular dates but to give you the silent treatment is not cool.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I have recently upset his mum unintentionally. The first time was when he bought some doughnuts (4). His mum had got herself something at the doughnut place. After a while, there was just one doughnut in the box and I asked my boyfriend if he wanted it.

His mum then said, "you never asked me if I wanted one". I got all flustered as I assumed she had already bought herself whatever she wanted. She then said "I offer you stuff all the time and it's nice to be asked even though I would have said I didn't want one".

It was very confusing.

Then, she rang us on the night before Mother's day. The following day, various things happened and he forgot to ring her. When we got back to her place a few days later, she said we didn't wish her a happy mother's day and was talking about all the lovely presents other family members got her.

Again, I felt terrible but had been stumped completely about what to get her. I'd asked my boyfriend and he'd said, "don't worry", so I thought it wouldn't be a big issue. I bought her a nice little brooch a few days after mother's day.

Now that I come to think of it, my kids didn't wish me happy mother's day but I was interstate so they probably just forgot.

I guess you could send her a little note explaining that you couldn't meet her for dinner that day because of the lateness of her message and maybe making a date for another day. If she is still huffy after that, I don't know what else you could or should do.

Oh, spare me the know-it-all and pedantic monologues, daresay before I point out the irony of you encouraging the loss of ego/loss of control in life and sounding like an arrogant know-it-all at the same time!

You also like to maintain control--it shows in the way you constantly try to intellectualize things and show off your knowledge.

Not to start a fight, of course.  But merely I'm saying your monologues don't make you the selfless Zen master you would like to portray yourself as.

Oops; forgot to call my sister in law. She did invite me to celebrate her birthday yesterday. She knew I could not come but still.