I'm an electrical engineer specializing in electromagnetics. I work for a rather large company, which is not my first choice, but the pay is quite good and I appreciate the opportunity to work in a field that interests me greatly.
Mostly I do quite well, but there are times when it is glaringly obvious to me that even among engineers (where the percentage of Aspies is probably significantly higher than in other professions) I have a very different sort of brain.
Ideally, I'd like to work on technical problems all day: programming, troubleshooting, etc.
It always makes me uncomfortable when the majority of my day is taken up with administrative tasks. I'm an engineer. I am not a "people person". I am not particularly adept at planning meetings or organizing high-level information. I can create the illusion of having such skills, but really, it's all Post-It notes, checklists, and a constant effort on my part to Not Freak Out.
Basically, I had to plan for no less than FOUR meetings that are to occur next week. The meetings themselves are going to be interesting: electromagnetics training sessions. I am looking forward to attending these training sessions, and I imagine I will learn quite a bit. However, I had people nagging me all day about when I was going to send out meeting notifications, who was invited, and all sorts of other logistical issues. I did not spend a single second today working on anything technical. That is rather depressing, however, I know that all engineers have to do paperwork and deal with innumerable meetings sometimes, and that I shouldn't expect to be able to fiddle with code or hardware every day. It's just maddening when I'm given a lot of tasks in a short period of time that really expose my weaknesses.
I also found out yesterday that I am presently the ONLY engineer in the company who is still considered a "junior engineer". There are only about 4 people under the age of 30, and one of them was hired after I was, and yet his "rank" is higher than mine. I am fairly certain I know why: as much as I hate to admit it, I'm somewhat high-maintenance. I have several very specific skill areas: electromagnetics, initiative to get things done, knowledge of a particular scripting language. I've been told I have several skills that are a great benefit to the company. However, I'm also somewhat inflexible, reluctant to work weekends, and very reluctant to travel. I deal very badly with changes in routine or upsets to my expectations. I don't have a drivers' license, and it's become generally accepted that I cannot travel alone. Therefore, in some ways I am less valuable than many others. I can accept this, but it makes me sad on some level. It also makes me wonder what I can do to hone my existing skills and play my strengths. I try to get assigned to tasks that I am strong in, however, it doesn't always work out that way.
At any rate, I'm glad this is a 3-day weekend for me. I could really use some decompression time. I got completely overloaded today, went into mental shutdown (I couldn't talk and had to sit at my desk with my head down for a while) and scared my cube-neighbor. He kept asking if I was all right, and telling me to "stop stressing". I was not exactly stressing -- it was more that I'd been asked to multitask far beyond my limits, and I had no idea how to act or respond. I was beyond feeling self-conscious; I just needed to shut out the world for a while. I was very tempted to hide under a desk.
This does not mean I'm crazy, mentally ill, or depressed. I am not getting "worse" or heading toward a breakdown; I just have these periodic overloads, and then I'm fine afterward. I sometimes feel like I should wear a T-shirt that says, "ATYPICAL NEUROLOGY. PLEASE IGNORE OUTBURSTS OR SHUTDOWNS, THEY DON'T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING." Because I AM fine. I'm sane, and I'm intelligent. I just respond to stimuli differently than the average person.
I also found out yesterday that I am presently the ONLY engineer in the company who is still considered a "junior engineer". There are only about 4 people under the age of 30, and one of them was hired after I was, and yet his "rank" is higher than mine. I am fairly certain I know why: as much as I hate to admit it, I'm somewhat high-maintenance. I have several very specific skill areas: electromagnetics, initiative to get things done, knowledge of a particular scripting language. I've been told I have several skills that are a great benefit to the company. However, I'm also somewhat inflexible, reluctant to work weekends, and very reluctant to travel. I deal very badly with changes in routine or upsets to my expectations. I don't have a drivers' license, and it's become generally accepted that I cannot travel alone. Therefore, in some ways I am less valuable than many others. I can accept this, but it makes me sad on some level. It also makes me wonder what I can do to hone my existing skills and play my strengths. I try to get assigned to tasks that I am strong in, however, it doesn't always work out that way.
I think you ought to discuss this with your manager, rather than just accepting it. Tell your manager that you want to improve your value to the company. Ask what you can do to hone your skills, how you can spend more time in tasks where you are most productive, what you would need to do to become a senior engineer.
Your manager won't be offended by being asked these questions politely. Most managers enjoy giving career advice to junior employees; that's a chance for them to show off their superior business knowledge.
It sounds like they do value your strengths, and every employee has weaknesses somewhere.
Maybe you are punctual every day, and others struggle with that, for instance.
I think explaining how you feel could help, maybe remove some of the stress triggers for you.
Thanks for the advice.
I have asked my managers for advice on how to improve my value to the company. They suggested several things:
1. Take training classes in ares you would like to specialize in (I'm in the process of doing this; this is a good suggestion for me.)
2. Learn to be more flexible (This is a poor suggestion for me, since from my perspective I'm MUCH more flexible than I used to be! I don't know how I can possibly let things become any more amorphous yet maintain a structure I can depend on and work within.)
3. Improve my response to stress. (I'm not sure how to do this without making it seem as if I'm avoiding certain tasks.)
I would like to sit down with my managers and explain to them what my weak areas are. I've done this to some degree, but not to the point where they are not on the continual quest to make me more "well-rounded". One of my essential personality features is that of extremes: I am NOT particularly well-rounded, nor have I ever been. I believe that there is still room for people like me in the working world, however, it is difficult to explain it to managers without coming across as stubborn.
This is going to be an interesting journey for me. Since I've managed to survive this far I'm sure I can continue working and succeeding. I just need to make sure I don't get pushed along a management track.
Hi there Azalyn,
I am interested in your present difficulties because I have just left my job. It was much less technical than yours and I do not have the skills you have. I am going to concentrate on study until i grow up enough to try again. But our experiences are very similar, especially the interactions with employers you are having.
I am glad you are thinking about this experience as a journey. I could not think beyond each confusing day when i was working. Now i have resigned i am able to think of where I am going.
I definitely do not think you should do what i did. You are obviously a valuable and highly skilled employee. Remember you are more valuable to yourself.
Maybe sit down and decide where you are headed over the next 5-10 years? Don't get distracted by day to day rubbish.
One thing i have decided to do over the next two years is Learn to Drive. :pirate: (he he he...)
and speak in public :fire:
to improve my physical/emotional/mental proprioception.
It is going to be an interesting journey.
becca
Because of the highly competitive job market, many people are reluctant to complain about high work loads, multi-tasking etc. Hopefully, you will be able to talk with your manager about your desires to just focus on technical aspects.
It used to be that all engineers had at least one or two secretaries to do all their administrative work. Now it is expected for engineers to book their own meetings and do other tasks that secretaries used to do. Could you not suggest that an assistant be hired to do some administrative work? He/she could be shared among a group of engineers so no one would be jealous that they didn't have their own assistant.
Assistants don't have to be paid as much as engineers. Your time is more valuable to the company spent doing engineering that setting up meetings.
If you feel that you should be paid more, that is a different issue. Getting a promotion to a higher level of management usually means more pay but also more responsibility and more meetings. You might like to stay where you are and just get more money. To demonstrate you are worth more money to your company make up a list of projects you worked on that brought the company the most revenue. You should only do this if you have had a good recent review with only an average increase in pay. Do not be surprised if you are asked about having a job offer for more money. Often people get raises to keep them from going to work somewhere else.
I hope that I have been helpful.
About 4-5 years ago, they decided to redesign our work so that everybody had to do a lot more phone work. It was known that I was very bad at that side of things. Despite my volunteering to do the mundane clerical work that a lot of the others hated in exchange for not having to do the phones so much, this option was rejected by several managers as "it wasn't fair if somebody didn't do the same as everybody else".
It was only after a lot of stress and heartache and a diagnosis of AS that my employer was prepared to be more flexible and design a job for me. Mind you, in the long run, I might still be expected to get good at phone duties or ship out.
I can understand why suit and tie would be uncomfortable. I also can't understand why a person sitting in a cubicle all day and not having contact with the general public would have to wear one. Surely, neat and clean attire such as slacks and short or long sleeved shirt would be sufficient?
Even with public contact work, I can't see what is wrong with just slacks and a good shirt. There is no way I could concentrate with wearing hot and constricting clothes and this could be an Aspie trait. As for wearing stockings and high heels (the women), I would loathe that.
"There is no way I could concentrate with wearing hot and constricting clothes and this could be an Aspie trait."
I think that it is an autistic trait, coming from sensory issues.
Sorry, that's what I meant to say - an autistic trait. Also, I can't wear enclosed shoes most of the year - they are just too hot for me. Any job that involved a really strict dress code wouldn't be for me eg. having to wear stockings, heels and business suits. I know these things can look smart but the discomfort would just about drive me insane.
I look at these people wearing their heavy suits and wonder how do they stand it.
I remember when i was working a little while ago how hard I tried to figure out what to wear when i was working in a higher position. I bought nice clothes like the other women and i wore them well and i got commented on. But it was an ongoing battle with myself, not to scratch at the wrong time. every morning i would look in the mirroe and try to figure out if i was normal looking enough. I thought the anxiety would get easier but it never did. It was part of what wore me down ( and the lights and the people doing gossip and trying to keep up and think faster)
i hate synthetic clothing, i hate wearing shoes unnecessarily, if i am too hot i take something off, i dont like flappy clothes, so everthing was fitting, and short sleeves, so it was revealing in retrospect but the tighter it was the more secure i felt, althought i do not like tight around my waist.I feel better if see my arms and feet which sounds daft.
it was such a relief to get home and take everything off but terrible to put it allon again the next morning. When i resigned a great burden came off and i some pretty clothes that i never wear since. my rule is if i cannot run in it i dont get it.
becca
I might have mentioned somewhere else that it seemed that some of my team-mates from work were leaving me out of team activities ie. because I would be the only one not asked to go out to lunch or something like that.
Anyway, I managed to speak with my boss and another superior and raise my concerns about this. Today, in a team meeting when we were doing our team plan, this woman started raving on about people "imagining they were being excluded" and "spreading slander" about the place.
I think these comments were directed at me and if so, found them quite offensive and uncalled for. As far as I'm concerned, if I'm not asked to something else, I will only go if the boss or his 2nd in charge goes.
This particular woman sits near me and goes on about some really rude and disgusting subjects and I have to leave the vicinity in my tea breaks to get away from it. I wouldn't want to go to lunch if she is going to go on and on about the same garbage. She usen't to be quite so bad but I thought there were laws against harassment.
Everybody in my team knows I have a disability so that makes it even worse. This woman even seems to have convinced my boss that I am the one being unreasonable and imagining things!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Further to my previous post, the woman I mentioned got her hair done so that it looked like a vulture's back ie. dark underneath and cream on top like the feathers on a vulture's shoulders. So I now refer to her as "vulture hair" but not in her presence.
I sit across from her and she and this woman constantly make off-colour comments that I find offensive but it's hard to prove anything.
Anyway, I had a mirror set up at my work-station so I could see if people were coming up behind me. Whilst cleaning my desk, I moved the mirror and unbeknownst to me, it was pointing straight at her. I only found out when the boss said this workmate found it "offensive" and that she'd brought a big round shop mirror to put on her desk to shine back at me.
I had no idea, thinking the mirror must have been there for a joke. She and some other people were talking about putting it on the floor and looking up each other's dresses and that some of the guys wanted to look up their dresses. I shifted my mirror.
Anyway, just the other day, my boss told me my previous manager had got "concerned" about some work I'd done because one of her staff brought it up to her. There was nothing wrong with what I did as such so I got a bit annoyed and said to him "don't they have anything better to do than to nitpick like this?".
He said "well, there's no need to get mad about it" and I said "I've had to put up with this kind of *** for years!" and then I started to cry so he said to take a walk. I then went to see the person I usually have afternoon tea with but I was a bit late and someone else was sitting with them so I went away.
I always do this - it is one of my "internal rules" - if I usually go to talk to one person and someone else is there, I won't intrude.
Do you have a union? If not can you join one?
You can then talk to a union worker about what is happening, and get them to take notes, should the situation get worse, or not improve.
You will at least then have some proof at a tribunal of what has been happening. If you feel forced to quit, or get fired, you wont be able to get benefits, if it is the same as the system in the UK.
We need to actively protect our rights as much as possible.
Amy, I wish it were that easy but I haven't got a lot of faith in my union since a few things that have gone on in the past few years. There is a rep on my floor who would have some sympathy I'm sure and I could also approach the harassment contact officer. Once I've calmed down a bit, I'll see about doing that.
The problem with the union is that the woman who was "helping" me before had some principles once but let a lot of them go when she became politically ambitious and got a position on caucus. I now don't feel at all comfortable in dealing with her as she can be very bitchy.
As an example, when I was off for 7 months because of "disturbing incidents in the workplace", I detailed some incidents of what I considered harassment by my boss. She agreed and said I should take some kind of legal action about it or at least raise an administrative complaint and that she would help me with this. Some time later, she was trying to force me to work again with the same boss and told me that I should "co-operate with her and tell her when I'm getting upset". As I had nil trust in this manager, there was no way this was going to happen.
Fortunately, someone in personnel got involved and got me assigned to a different team where the manager was sympathic. She left about 3 months ago but by that time, had become good mates with the 2 main women who've been ostracising me in the past few months. They are cunning and will butter up the boss and other people so as to isolate people they don't like. I'm not the only one and some people have left because of it.
As for my previous manager, one woman resigned because of the way she treated her and another is on long term leave. She gets on well with some people and had been very kind to a lady who sometimes has grand mal epileptic fits but she takes dislikes to other people and is not able to deal with these in a manner fitting to being a manager.
Personally, I don't see how she can continue to get away with her incompetence in handling staff but she must be able to tell a good story when it suits her.
The union rep (secretary) I spoke of before has done other double-crosses on me and no doubt to other people. She is always on the lookout for the quick solution, even when it is quite clearly not the right one for the person she is supposedly helping. She has made a number of enemies in recent years because of this.
T, do you have a disability officer at your union headquarters? Maybe there is someone there who can advocate on your behalf so that your issues can be accommodated in the workplace. It is my experience that unions are not well set up to negotiate conflict between individual members. A disability officer might assist you to deal with these matters.