Aspies For Freedom

As a college student I am an avid Facebook user and had this application called Honesty Box where you annonymously write stuff about other people...installed it because my friends and I were leaving funny messages to each other.  I kind of forgot I had it and while cleaning up my page retired it from view but did not erase the application.

So...in order to post in my HB...I have to be sought out as I do not have the box in my profile.  The person has to see my full list of applications.

*Backstory* I am a member of my university's Anime Society...and I was a member of the (what I realize now is a clique) "inner sanctum" as it's called.  I had gotten sick and was barred from the Halloween party...accusations of me being insensitive were creeping about and I almost wound up committed because I was rapid cycling and suicidal.  Later on I found out that I may have an Arnold-Chiari Malformation and if I do have it I need surgery.  I had told who I thought was my best friend about it and I asked if we could hang out (she has a very busy life...but Mom suspects she'd been avoiding me) and we'd set a date and time (I had to change my plans).  

Well I had said something about another person (something she had said about him) that got back to her and she IMed me about it...and we got into an argument because honestly I didn't think she would have IMed me otherwise...it ended with her storming off and her room mate telling me off quite vulgarly.  She told me that I should have told her explicitly that if I needed to talk about my ACM I should have told her outright...but it only makes sense to me that if someone tells you they may need to have BRAIN SURGERY then it only makes sense that she would need to talk right????

Well I found this message in my Honesty Box tonight "I really think that you are a very self centered person, and not in a good way. You really expect everyone to fawn all over you and never really clue people in when you actually need them, you just expect the help. You never say thank you or I'm sorry to people, especially when the other people deserve it. You'd be a decent person if it weren't for that."

I have difficulty expressing my needs directly...as in sometimes I don't even know what my needs ARE let alone VERBALIZE them...not to mention I thought asking if one needed to talk was proper social grace????  

Also I don't say I'm sorry really because I rarely actually regret anything I've done...even if I'm in the wrong.  It's just not a feeling I have because I say what needs to be said (Mom says I tend to be overly blunt).

It was this last confrontation with my friend...that got my psych and I talking about AS...because this happens over and over and I'm left confused...as to why some people can do stuff that's "wrong" for me to do (I had a hitting problem...didn't discern when it was acceptable for me to do so) and why it KEEPS HAPPENING...and people who know me well say I'm self-centered yes but "bratty" and "insensitive" I am not.  I just do not know how to express emotion with gestures and words, even when I recognize the feelings I'm having (which isn't all the time).

I am not open about my AS at school because this was the same group of people who told me I was using my anxiety disorders as an excuse (I was having room mate issues to the point I had panic attacks and became agoraphobic) to not have to solve the problem myself.  

*sigh* I'm just...lost...and quite ashamed frankly.

Sending you a PM.

Got it thanks

À votre souris, oui, je prends le fromage - cheddar !

I am afraid I am having a senior moment - I re-read your post but couldn't really understand it. Sorry.

I gather that you have trouble asking for help directly, and your 'friend' (because they would have to be a friend to access the comment box, right?) accuses you of not asking for help - but expecting it anyway?

I do not understand these sorts of people. I have no trouble offering help/comfort to people who need it, it is just what I do. I certainly don't do so to bolster my own ego. Perhaps that is her/his problem? S/he offers comfort and aid, and expects 'payment' in grovelling thanks for her/his 'kindness'.

Sounds like a jerk to me.

I am sometimes a little blunt and tactless too.
If there is aspects of yourself that you can change that you PERSONALLY do not like then do change.
Do not wish to be what others would have you be, I think you ought to embrace yourself and accept your differences. Hang out here and see the way people here relate. No need to be societally normal here.

Be easy on yourself. You seem like a nice person.

Tell your friend that she's a drama queen.

Sorry, I should clarify - the 'jerk' being the anonymous person who wrote nasty things in the message box, NOT our beautiful River Queen, who seems perfectly sane, sensible and nice to me!

And I'm truly sorry about the A-C Malfomation - someone else here has that too! I hope they can manage to treat yours without brain surgery.

I can't even get the evaluation...my insurance doesn't cover it.

Thanks for the support and reassurance that I'm sane hahaha

Oh and yes I was saying that she was saying that I just expect help and pity and don't ask for it.

They may not be correct. That is really one person's opinion... Examine yourself, ask yourself if there's something you're doing that could be giving people that expression; if you want to change, then do so; but don't take it to heart and tell yourself you're a horrible person. Either throw it out or act on it--brooding won't help!

It's not just one person...it's been a lot of people...mostly in this group.

We watched America's Next Top Model last semester...and everyone felt bad for Heather...but God if they knew...about me...

The majority of people tell me that I am a kind person (Aspie-like of course) but that I do seem to not be with it...but they understand that I just don't read what they're trying to say non-verbally.

Meh.