Aspies For Freedom

My 9 year old son was in a social skills group at school.  He enjoyed it at first, but has really began to tire of it.  I brought this up to his school counselor (who runs the group) and one of his psychologist who he was seeing on a regular basis (He hasn't seen her in a few months.  Both of them felt he should stay in the group.  The only problem is it was causing him more anxiety.  The night of his skills group, he actually came home and was crying because he said he had a bad day.  I told his psychologist about this and she said my son should "push pass" his anxiety, because this social skills group is something he really needs.

I decided to speak with 2 of my other sons' doctors at the Center For Autism Spectrum Disorders.  They agreed with me when I said I agreed the skills group was important, but I felt it was being counter productive since it was causing him more anxiety.  They said that while the skills group is important, it is something he can do in the future.

After I got this second opinion, I decided to pull my son out of the group.  I let his psychologist know (the first psychologist I mentioned) what his other doctors had said.  She replied by telling me that she no longer felt like she should be one of my son's consultant's in regards to his school/IEP problems.

Have any of you had any medical professionals say that you or your child should force yourself through situations that cause you anxiety?

While I am not a parent, the special services staff are always trying to get me to do things that make no sense, like to stop spinning (silently, mind you) in my chair when I'm in independent study (where the special ed. teachers are there to help individually), have no work remaining to do, and class ends in five minutes. Even if you've done all your work and have even worked ahead, they make you do something at all times during that block. This makes especially little sense for someone who is autistic or hyperactive, which is more than half the class.

I don't understand. It's like they hold us to stricter and less sensible standards than our peers. I've experienced this kind of thing for a number of years now (I'm almost graduated from high school), but recently I've started to see the pattern, and a lot of it I think underlying is the mindset of how they're taught. In their interactions with me, I can see that they look to solve the difficulties I report by looking through a lens of "what are her defects and how do we fix them" rather than a "let's look at the factors of the whole situation" lens. This is how many incorrect and ultimately damaging assumptions about me have been made by school personnel.

It was so ridiculous. I've even been pulled out of this independent study class for spinning silently in my chair. On Thursday (last time I had this class before today), I was spinning during taking a break and she sternly told me to stop. I asked her why (not in a snotty tone, mind you, but in a "Out of curiosity, why?") and she didn't react - didn't mumble, look at me, stop her movement, shaking her head, averting her eyes - nothing. So I asked, "Well?" and she looked her eyes down to the ground as if in thought, I could see her teeth on her lower lip, and she finally said in a murmur "it's distracting".

So I looked at the other three or four people in the classroom at the time: two in front of a computer facing away from me, one reviewing her flashcards on her desk, and the other facing also in a different direction and working on math. It was dead quiet save for the turning of pages and the periodic click of a mouse. I couldn't suppress a chuckle. "Kidding, right?" I asked. At that point I couldn't really tell. I am so sick of being admonished for spinning when I'm not even disrupting anything, especially that I have taken tests in this room while the staff talked amongst themselves in chit-chat manner, having regular conversations.

It can be a pain. But unfortunately, this is how many people approach our needs: look for a problem (social skills, weird behavior) and slap on a solution (social skills group, extinguish weird behavior). If they tell me once more to stop stimming when I'm not even causing other people problems, then I am going to tell them that I'm going on strike! Really, it's a violation of the rights of a student.

I think you did the right thing. I mean, it wouldn't make sense to deprive an autistic student of sensory regulation just to make them "look more normal", just as you wouldn't want to "give them social skills training" just to have them be more anxious.

I think you did the right thing pulling your son out of the classes.

It is counter-productive if a so-called help for one problem exacerbates another! And it is far, far easier for him to learn the skills he needs from future lessons than it is to pick up the pieces of his life after a complete nervous breakdown through anxiety.

Sometimes my son is simply too anxious to attend school. There is no sense in forcing him. He does get over the anxiety eventually; and much swifter if allowed to withdraw from the stresses that are causing the anxiety.

But that is not what the psychologists are thinking; they are considering their timetable needs, not your son's needs!

Tigger: I know exactly what you mean re: forcing school. My dad had to keep me home from school a lot (primarily because of bullying, and just overall too stressful), and the school was really on his case for it. They got more lax when I was diagnosed, though, and stopped being so quick to criticize my parents. Sometimes, I just need more time to have a break, so I have the energy to continue on. It's like with studying: it's recommended that you break up studying into smaller chunks throughout the week instead of cramming it into an hour.

I think that you did the right thing, too. The psychologist seem to feel 'insulted' by you asking for a second opinion.
In my experience, professionals often don't like it when they feel you (as a layperson) know too much and do not act like 'a sheep'.

Thanks everybody.  I was telling my brother about all of this yesterday.  I mentioned about how my son's psychologist wanted him to "push pass" his anxiety and my brother said "easier said than

done."  Such a true statement, and it applies to so many situations.  At least my son's counselor didn't react negatively.  Well....at first she told me she thought I was making a mistake, but after i told her what his other doctors said she said she respected my decision.

I can't help but be terrified to see what it it will be like when my son is in middle school or even high school.  He's only in third grade now and this has been one TOUGH year.

I'm avoiding the news when they come in pictures because they sort of block my brain capacity, I'm happy with reading (or flipping the page over) all that dreadful stuff. And I'm a 'full-grown' 37-year-old. ... Gives you something to think about the approach of that school, doesn't it?

I think that I've learned by now to hinder those pictures entering my memory, though, but that's an effort I have to make explicitly.

Perhaps you could explain to these school people that Aspies usually never forget a picture they've memorized. So they have to 'work' on getting over it in a different way. ~ PTSD treatment, like ReineDeLaSeine14 mentioned.

I hate when people - especially school people - do that sort of thing. If it winds up traumatizing your child, the ones responsible do not suffer any consequences, but your child certainly does, and so do you as a parent.

What would I do if I were in your situation? Homeschool.

fwiw

Hi Kattoo,

I think you did the right thing, if it causes a child to suffer that much anxiety it isn't right.

I have pulled my son out of several things over the years, certain classes and trips that were way too much for him at the time, causing him extreme anxiety, diahorrea, clingyness, head banging etc.  Some professionals agreed with my decision, some thought I was "overprotective."  

I used to agonize over whether or not I was doing the right thing, not wanting to molly-coddle him, but not wanting him to suffer either, it is very difficult, but I think your gut instinct is very rarely wrong (well, mine isn't anyway)

Officials want to protect the system first and serve children second.  Even when they think they want otherwise, to not see to the needs of the system first would be career suicide.  That's why parents need to exercise their own judgment.

I feel its better for a parent to encourage a child gently to socialise, as opposed to a paid employee to make a child reach targets. I don't think its fair to force expectations on a kid - which is what those kind of groups smack of. To me anyway.

We're all different and it really annoys me when people expect us all to be uniform. Its like we encourage individuality but slap a 'disorder' tag on someone, and we're expected to conform to the level that we're uniform with the rest of society.

Absolutely agree.  This is the expected result of medicalization, after all.  We are no longer people, we are all merely a disease.

thank you...

Oh yes...I get that "you are so overprotective" look all the time from school staff.  I've even had people from my son's daycare say "well he doesn't look like he has special needs."  i mean do people have to have a third eye or something?  it's crazy.

I think karate, or any martial art, is great for kids - Aspie or not. I think Luke Jackson recommended it to kids too.

It teaches them resolve, patience, self respect as well as self defence.

Sounds like you're doing far more for your kid than the authorities are wanting to let on Kattoo... although of course they know best