Aspies For Freedom - What would you do if you were in my situation?

My 9 year old son was in a social skills group at school.  He enjoyed it at first, but has really began to tire of it.  I brought this up to his school counselor (who runs the group) and one of his psychologist who he was seeing on a regular basis (He hasn't seen her in a few months.  Both of them felt he should stay in the group.  The only problem is it was causing him more anxiety.  The night of his skills group, he actually came home and was crying because he said he had a bad day.  I told his psychologist about this and she said my son should "push pass" his anxiety, because this social skills group is something he really needs.

I decided to speak with 2 of my other sons' doctors at the Center For Autism Spectrum Disorders.  They agreed with me when I said I agreed the skills group was important, but I felt it was being counter productive since it was causing him more anxiety.  They said that while the skills group is important, it is something he can do in the future.

After I got this second opinion, I decided to pull my son out of the group.  I let his psychologist know (the first psychologist I mentioned) what his other doctors had said.  She replied by telling me that she no longer felt like she should be one of my son's consultant's in regards to his school/IEP problems.

Have any of you had any medical professionals say that you or your child should force yourself through situations that cause you anxiety?

Thanks everybody.  I was telling my brother about all of this yesterday.  I mentioned about how my son's psychologist wanted him to "push pass" his anxiety and my brother said "easier said than

done."  Such a true statement, and it applies to so many situations.  At least my son's counselor didn't react negatively.  Well....at first she told me she thought I was making a mistake, but after i told her what his other doctors said she said she respected my decision.

I can't help but be terrified to see what it it will be like when my son is in middle school or even high school.  He's only in third grade now and this has been one TOUGH year.

kattoo13 Wrote:

My 9 year old son was in a social skills group at school.  He enjoyed it at first, but has really began to tire of it.  I brought this up to his school counselor (who runs the group) and one of his psychologist who he was seeing on a regular basis (He hasn't seen her in a few months.  Both of them felt he should stay in the group.  The only problem is it was causing him more anxiety.  The night of his skills group, he actually came home and was crying because he said he had a bad day.  I told his psychologist about this and she said my son should "push pass" his anxiety, because this social skills group is something he really needs.

I decided to speak with 2 of my other sons' doctors at the Center For Autism Spectrum Disorders.  They agreed with me when I said I agreed the skills group was important, but I felt it was being counter productive since it was causing him more anxiety.  They said that while the skills group is important, it is something he can do in the future.

After I got this second opinion, I decided to pull my son out of the group.  I let his psychologist know (the first psychologist I mentioned) what his other doctors had said.  She replied by telling me that she no longer felt like she should be one of my son's consultant's in regards to his school/IEP problems.

Have any of you had any medical professionals say that you or your child should force yourself through situations that cause you anxiety?

Yes. and Go with YOUR instincts as you did.

Unfortunately many writings on aspergian kids come to the same conclusion.  3rd and 4th grade is where the rubber meets the road so to speak.  Kids that may hvae done fairly well start being the quare peg in the round hole - and the kid gets damaged...
This is when your parental instincts and general acceptance of your child begin to veer off course from the "professionals" that wish to impose their "expectations" and timetables onto an innocent.  To them, though they mainly can be good people who mean well, to them your kid is an experiment or a case number or just another cog in the wheel.  I am going to stop here as I can feel a general rant coming on.  I dare say I am not telling you anything you don't already know.
I suggest you play the game though - utilizing all your people skills, to try to keep the professionals fand yourslef from getting into an adverial relationship.  They get offended because they think, they really do, that they know best and sometimes they do have info and other good ideas that can be of help - so you do have to keep an open mind - but it's a fine line.

We allowed our 5th grade son to try a social skills group this year - we stopped it about a month ago -(Keeping it real and simple :stress /anxiety is bad - thins that are meant to help and do more harm then good ) the school guidance counselor took great offense as if we blamed her program - it isn't her program that is a problem - we smoothed her over.  We just called it temporary - we blew smoke  and said how great she is and her program etc for HER ego..
Don't worry, God put your son with you for a reason - your son is blessed and it will all work out....

OOPs (typos galore above) adversarial... important not to end up being adversarial with the people that your kid is most exposed to.

ReineDeLaSeine14 Wrote:

I've been told the same but it depends on the anxiety and such...like I needed to get over my fear of sharp objects but i'm advised to avoid triggering things that would make me seriously anxious (like the news)

like my ds is concerned about his safety and bullies - like too much - and then the school thinks he should "get over it" so think nothing of showing(and the rest of his mainstream health class) a movie about an extreme bully situation and a list of things from least to worst things that bullies do to kids - including holding kids by their ankles over banisters and "pantsing"- and I'm like "they did not!" and he shows me the paper. dumb- also his aide (must have the mind set) that ds should get used to the real world - so news is not off limits - and while ds was online doing his independent study she made him look at some kid with a knife stuck thru his head - at school- (cuz it was in the news)wtf ? I doubt he'll get that image out of his head - ever. If my kid is sensitive to that stuff - leave him be - till he naturally is up to it, no? why force crap? why force social skills when a kid is focused on survival?

atypical Wrote:

Unfortunately many writings on aspergian kids come to the same conclusion.  3rd and 4th grade is where the rubber meets the road so to speak.  Kids that may hvae done fairly well start being the quare peg in the round hole - and the kid gets damaged...
This is when your parental instincts and general acceptance of your child begin to veer off course from the "professionals" that wish to impose their "expectations" and timetables onto an innocent.  To them, though they mainly can be good people who mean well, to them your kid is an experiment or a case number or just another cog in the wheel.  I am going to stop here as I can feel a general rant coming on.  I dare say I am not telling you anything you don't already know.
I suggest you play the game though - utilizing all your people skills, to try to keep the professionals fand yourslef from getting into an adverial relationship.  They get offended because they think, they really do, that they know best and sometimes they do have info and other good ideas that can be of help - so you do have to keep an open mind - but it's a fine line.

We allowed our 5th grade son to try a social skills group this year - we stopped it about a month ago -(Keeping it real and simple :stress /anxiety is bad - thins that are meant to help and do more harm then good ) the school guidance counselor took great offense as if we blamed her program - it isn't her program that is a problem - we smoothed her over.  We just called it temporary - we blew smoke  and said how great she is and her program etc for HER ego..
Don't worry, God put your son with you for a reason - your son is blessed and it will all work out....

thank you...

ethereal Wrote:

Hi Kattoo,

I think you did the right thing, if it causes a child to suffer that much anxiety it isn't right.

I have pulled my son out of several things over the years, certain classes and trips that were way too much for him at the time, causing him extreme anxiety, diahorrea, clingyness, head banging etc. Some professionals agreed with my decision, some thought I was "overprotective."

I used to agonize over whether or not I was doing the right thing, not wanting to molly-coddle him, but not wanting him to suffer either, it is very difficult, but I think your gut instinct is very rarely wrong (well, mine isn't anyway Big Grin

)

Oh yes...I get that "you are so overprotective" look all the time from school staff. I've even had people from my son's daycare say "well he doesn't look like he has special needs." i mean do people have to have a third eye or something? it's crazy.

ocampo Wrote:

I feel its better for a parent to encourage a child gently to socialise, as opposed to a paid employee to make a child reach targets. I don't think its fair to force expectations on a kid - which is what those kind of groups smack of. To me anyway.

We're all different and it really annoys me when people expect us all to be uniform. Its like we encourage individuality but slap a 'disorder' tag on someone, and we're expected to conform to the level that we're uniform with the rest of society.

i agree. my son was gung ho about the social skills group (friend's club as they called it) at first. he then tired of it. he also takes karate, ehich he wanted to join. i encourage him to try what he is interested in, but i support him if he feels it is too much. it's a balancing act..

DogBrain Wrote:

Officials want to protect the system first and serve children second. Even when they think they want otherwise, to not see to the needs of the system first would be career suicide. That's why parents need to exercise their own judgment.

Bingo - very succinct.

It is a balancing act -as you guys mentioned - do they realize what it takes ? caring, respect, pacing, some of what looks, parental intervention or "overprotecting" at times to get a child available for learning to their door, and they say "well he doesn't look like he has special needs."
They called my kids group "lunch bunch" It would/could have worked if they didn't make him eat his lunch real fast first and then make him late for his social studies class after ..duh!

ocampo Wrote:

I think karate, or any martial art, is great for kids - Aspie or not. I think Luke Jackson recommended it to kids too.

It teaches them resolve, patience, self respect as well as self defence.

Sounds like you're doing far more for your kid than the authorities are wanting to let on Kattoo... although of course they know best Rolleyes

Most def. This Saturday he will be testing for his orange belt and he is so excited.

I try my best to do what I feel is the right thing for my son, even if it means going against the grain of medical professionals etc. When I disagreed with his EX psychologist, I told her that as his mother, I know my son best. She's only going on text book recommendations and not taking my son's own personal issues to heart.

atypical Wrote:

It is a balancing act -as you guys mentioned - do they realize what it takes ? caring, respect, pacing, some of what looks, parental intervention or "overprotecting" at times to get a child available for learning to their door, and they say "well he doesn't look like he has special needs."
They called my kids group "lunch bunch" It would/could have worked if they didn't make him eat his lunch real fast first and then make him late for his social studies class after ..duh!

"do they realize what it takes ?"..no. That's what's scares me. I have had to share material with school professionals etc., to help them understand my son better. People see him and say "oh, well he's so verbal and articulate..he seems so smart." Why yes, he IS very smart..BUT his issues lay elsewhere. My son has had multiple difficulties since he started school. But because he WAS so articulate, his school didn't take any of it seriously. Now that he is in 3rd grade and they are seeing his issues aren't going away and many of his "behaviors" are surfacing in class, they are finally starting to believe me.

and I know that you wouldn't change a hair on your sons head, nor would I - and we'll just have to believe that each one of these experiences (even the negatives or mistakes) we have gone through for a reason and our children too.

atypical Wrote:

and I know that you wouldn't change a hair on your sons head, nor would I - and we'll just have to believe that each one of these experiences (even the negatives or mistakes) we have gone through for a reason and our children too.

Exactly. My son is one of the most amazing human beings I have ever known. People tell me all the time that he was brought into my life for a reason. It's so true. I learn from him each and everyday and truly feel blessed to be his mama.