Aspies For Freedom

Please forgive me as this is a long post, and an emotional one.  I may not have worded everything as well as I wanted to.  If there are problems and/or issues, I will return and clear them up as best as I can.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts you offer to help.

My daughter, who is 8 going on 9, has some pretty significant learning disabilities, and I am currently thinking pretty strongly she may be Aspie as well.  We did, when first learning about AS and such, think that she was "off the list" as she is quite a social child, and that "would make her not Aspie."  Now that I have learned more and more, I think that is a bunch of hooey and have moved on from that narrow thought.

But I am posting today as I am frustrated and sad, as she has so much anxiety at school.  A few months ago she was terribly manipulated by a bully, and lost a few friends because of it.  She started hanging around with the bully because, as she put it, "She knew there was good in her somewhere, and she wanted to help the others find it too."  She stopped playing with said bully, when the bully's behavior, and manipulation of my daughter into a situation she should have never entered into, got her into some trouble.  She was so sad to have learned that the bully was making her the pawn in a mean game.

Today she asked my husband what he does when he is lonely, as she is often lonely at school.  

We live in an area which is mostly dominated by another race.  My daughter looks different than these people, and does not speak their language.  Some of the kids do not allow race to be a factor in their friendships, but that is the rare few.  

She had a small group of friends, but they wrote her off when she was hanging around with the bully and have not allowed her back into the fold.  She says many of them say "I will play with you later" but then when she wants to play with them later, they say no.  

She has always preferred younger children to older ones.  She is not at the same maturity level as many 8-9 year old girls.  She still prefers playing with her stuffed animals.  She loves to draw, is very artistic, and is the kindest soul I could ever have the pleasure of spending time with.

We have a long term plan to change the schooling situation.  Our current plan is to home school, most likely through a program offered through our public school, where the kids still get social interaction, have field trips, and the program is monitored by the school so that we make sure we are on track with her learning.  If this is not a possibility (depending on the laws in California) we will be looking at, at least, a parent full time at home (my husband) so that she is not at school so long (11 hours a day) and can be home on the holidays instead of at day camp.  

This plan is about 12-14 months away.  To accomplish this we have to be able to make it on one income again, and I want to make sure we do it right, as to try it and then take it away from her would be much worse than not having tried at all.

I guess I would like to know from other Aspies and parents to Aspies, or kids who do not "fit the mold", do you have any suggestions as to how to help school be less of a struggle for her?

I spoke to her resource teacher and she recommended a book "It's So Hard to Be Your Friend" which sounds terrible to me, but the subtitle is something like "helping kids with learning disabilities socialize."  She is also in a small group counseling session at school with some other LD kids, and that began rather recently, hopefully that will help, too.

Honestly, she just wants to be at home.  The noise, the overstimulation, it is all so much on her.  

I could use any suggestions and/or thoughts.    

This link may be helpful.
bullying at school for those on the spectrum

Thanks so much WFM.  I will watch tonight after she has gone to bed!

Wow... this sounds too familiar to me. Not exactly the same situation, but there are some stark parallels to my daughter's circumstance...

No need to forgive for reaching-out. We all need to hear what others are going though, which helps us expand our knowledge of the subject. I can get long-worded too...

'Hooey', yes... espesially when the consenses among professionals varies so widely. We finally had to do our own reading on the subject... And I have come to the conclusion that it is not in the books (DSM-IV).
The closest we can discern is 'ADD/Aspergers/sweet pissed teenager'...

Déjà vu... Except that I had to remove her from the bully.  My daughter didn't know she was being bullyed.

Déjà vu... again... My daughter's maturity has two sides... very adult-like interacting with adults, yet quiet and less mature with peers. It is as if she is trying to 'fit-in' and at times has inappropriate actions. She 'attracts' little kids, and enjoys their company. likes to draw, and is extreamly artistic with color... And yes, she is the kindest soul I could ever have the pleasure of spending time with... Well, except when she is 'compensating' and trying to be like other teens, quite a contrast, defient to warrant an ODD status.

 

We investigated the homeschool (HSN) option last year. Not a good one for us, as it required too much parent-time, and the associative alternative classes were at the extremedies of the district -- with and incerdibaly poor schedule, which would have had me spending most my time driving... That was last year... This year HSN is in funding trouble, and I hear that some programs will be cut. Our district is 3.4 million in the red...  So I'm glad we didn't opt for HSN...  

So... we chose finding a private school and withdrew my daughter from the district. It is expensive, but I had no option.  She is doing incredibaly well now, with teachers who specialize with kids on the spectrum. It has been amazing...

I have a 'ton' to say on this subject... no time now... but I'm curious about the alternatives in California, where you are from. Here in Washington, there are few, if any that address the needs of my children. We are 47th in SE funding, and have no charter school system -- We are one of the last states to adopt such legislation. Around the country where such legislation has been enacted, success stories are begining to surface, alternatives... what is the charter school situation in california?

Regards.... beammeup

   

Do you have any special ed schools in California? Round here, we have them with class sizes of 6 in contrast to 30 in mainstream schools. It makes quite a difference!

While we have them, they are of course, private and rather costly.  There may be some within the public school system, but the fight to get her there would most likely take as long as she will be in the system where we live now anyway.  I hope to have her out of there and into some type of homeschooling program within the next 14 months.  We are trying.  

We could possibly put her into a private school but that would be the end all be all in the process, as it would stop our other plan in its tracks.  We can't pay for the private school option and pay off debt so that we can survive on one income again.  Sigh, it is such a waiting game.

We have a few charter schools here, but the waiting list is very long, and they are very "part-time" schools, so that eliminates that again.

The current choice that I believe we will go with is the homeschooling through the public school system option.  

I hope to get her out of her current situation as soon as I can.  I agree, that whole, "if we had him the whole time..." thing, which is why we are considering the homeschooling through the public school system option.  That way, they are still monitoring her progress and are on the hook for her additional assistance needs.

Kattoo I shortened your post a bit so I could show which parts I am responding to.  Hope that is ok.

Let's see.  I think my daughter may share the same issues with communicating.  She tries, but is not always able, to do the give and take very well.  

I would not say she exactly has bullying problems, she more got manipulated into beginning to BE a bully, and luckily, she only got into one minor problem, and realized the other kid was manipulating her into it.  But her biggest problem is, honestly, she just is not connecting with the other kids very well.  Added to that, we do not do a lot of playdates and such, because my husband wants no one in the house, and does not want anything to do with the other parents.  I do what I can, but the other families, I do not know, they sense something is off...I can't explain it.

I think the group counseling sessions may help.

She is totally looking forward to a homeschooling situation.  More than I would have ever guessed!

We are planning on setting her up for a visit to the same clinic my husband went to.  It is quite costly, so I am not sure when we can do it, but soon, hopefully.

Therapy may be an option we consider soon.  Honestly, she has about 6 weeks left of school this year, then heads to day camp over the summer.  I hope to have some better things in place by the time school starts next year.  Sigh...

Oh, and THANK YOU ALL for your ideas!

Alright, so upon some reflection and listening to you guys, I just called the clinic that worked with my husband to set up an appt. for my daughter.  

I am not sure what their plan is with kids, but I will keep you all posted about that and any other developments.  

I know you will not read this until tomorrow, but the calls, well, that will not work with this school district.  I called yesterday and spoke with her teacher.  She is in counseling there weekly and the resource program already.  I can certainly ask for a new IEP, but they had to get special approval for her to do the counseling she is already in.  The IEP process is actually rather long and drawn out, at least here it is.

This may sound snippy, but it is not, but still, they will take forever.  But, back to the potentially snippy thing, what do I say "My daughter is miserable at school?"  I really have no academic issues, to speak of.  She is already in counseling through the school.  What else could I say?

Her academic difficulties have remained the same, and from what I can tell, seem to be improving.  Slowly, but surely.  Pretty much what I expect.

I got the approval for the counseling, and it is happening.  Once a week, group counseling.  It is a new thing though, only happened twice so far.  

She is just miserable going to school, is not connecting with the other kids, and wants to be home, all the time.

Honestly, I have not brought it up with them past calling her teacher to talk to her about some specific matters.  Namely, if she does not have anyone to play with, she was under the (incorrect) impression that she could not sit and draw during recess.  She said that the only kids who were allowed to sit were the kids in trouble.  Her teacher, though she was not too helpful, it seemed, in the beginning, is very concerned about my daughter at this point and will be checking in with her.  While I understand the whole "squeaky wheel" theory, there comes a time, where that is somewhat self-defeating.  

They really did have to get special approval for her counseling, it was through a different program and I had to sign off on it.  

I think that both her teacher and the resource teacher have her best interests at heart.  I really do.  I do not think that calling a bunch of meetings in the last 6 weeks of school will be helpful.  

No worries about me, I do the legal thing every day, I leave a paper trail everywhere I go.

As far as the IEP, there is nothing that has happened that merits an emergency IEP.  They would fight that.  They would extend it out forever.  

To get any of the other issues, as you suggested, dealt with, will require more testing.  That means they have 15 days from receiving my request to set up an assessment, and 50 days from then to do another IEP.  At that point they run out of time (for the school year) and it extends to 30 days after the new school year begins.

I think there is a possibility she is AS, but they did not pick up on it, and when discussing her father's issues, they tend to believe we are projecting onto her rather than actually seeing it.  (Typical.)  But we got his Aspie diagnosis AFTER her last IEP.

Thank you for the help, sometimes I feel very helpless, but I will get it set up through the clinic and go from there.

My immediate and admittedly highly emotional reaction is to GET HER OUT OF THERE.

On a more realistic and sensible level:

• Is it possible to change your working hours so that she spends less time there?
  
• Would you all be comfortable with her being cared for in one of those other homes during out of school hours? If she could cope, it would give her the chance to be with other children and to learn their language.
  
• Are you able to organise (... afford) before and after school care in your home?
  
• Are you able to move house to a different school district?
  
• Is there something that she really likes to do or is good at that would make her 'acceptable' or 'admirable' in the eyes of the other children? Music? Computers? Art? Writing?