Aspies For Freedom

Beammeup and Korrigan - bulls eye.  A very close parallel to our DsM-IV Aspie, adhd, LD son, age 11 (differing details as far as the ages)
A few (dozens actually) details to hash out before we go ahead, but we are going to attempt to transition ds to a self-contained (in this case, a safe, quiet, responsive) classroom.  With differntialted learning - (faster pace for english and literature) he'll still go out for "Specials" ie wood shop/art/home economics/sewing - this next quarter is wood shop... if the shop room is too noisy. he'll do an independent study - he'll have a brand new (trained) aide , just supervising and aiming him away from bully types and he'll continue mainstream SOcial studies - as he is big on history and government and politics.  We aren't sure whether he will stay mainstream for science as the coarse work is getting heavy in math and he has dyscalculia... so anyway.... New IEP to hash out next week.  If this doesn't go well (if they fail to impress us with consistency- and ingenuity - they have to be smarter than him! so far they have tried but were arrogant and ignorant -bad combination- we have been wokring on clueing them in) anyway, Korrigan as you know we are slightly optimistic that taking away the sensory challenges and having him "feel safe" (like he used to) will release him from his resistence and unlock his (used to have) interest in learning again.  A bully free zone would work wonders on his fright/flight/think/blink - and the schools idea (back in OCtober) to move him into "replacement" english (cuz he humms in class)  with kids who have trouble reading whereas he is a college level reader well he was just plain bored in there.  ANyway, progress we think...

OOPS spelling catastrophe above should have typed; differentiated learning -which means individualized pacing - one on one (certified specialized education)teacher every day.

Korrigan, if not obvious (probably isn't) the post above may well be a road map of waht you have tolook forward to - unfortuantely as kids get older things do get harder.... But, maybe you can spare her what we didn't manage to spare our son from - this past year (lost year) of too much mainstream.  Also, we have been on the home-schooling thread together - I am 100% behind homeschooling - though - warning:  our kids school has been trying to blame us for ds;s troubles this year because "if (the school) we had him the shole time he wouldn't be going thru this now" mentality - little do they know that if they tried to handle him the way they have this year -- when he was younger - if we had allowed them to, if he wasn't in private school- they would have harmed him so horribly he might never have recovered (yes, my opinion only) .  Our son is very strong, very tough, and very healthy (till this last week when his stomach started hurting) Also, the squeeky wheel gets the oil..... squeeeeek

Sounds like a plan allright - famous book or saying - if you don't know where you are going, how are you going to get there...

remember, you can change her IEP every week, every week! and have a major meeting almost as often - to move them faster - if it is not working for one day - make them see the damage they are doing to her health (our prrofessional -private advisor tells us to use the word "need" and "requires" alot.  You have power, use it.

Hi Korrigan,

I'm so sorry your daughter is having such a tough time at school.  Keep in mind, not all aspies are the same.  My son, is very sociable.  He will talk to anybody, no matter where we are.  His issues lay in pragmatics (rules of a conversation, give and take, take on another's perspective besides his own etc.), but he is on the waiting list for speech/language therapy.

As far as your other issues, my son never had any bullying problems in school, but he did in daycare.  Fortunately, he was always able to stand up for himself.  He is extremely articulate and not afraid to 'talk back' to people who may be putting him down.  What's interesting is a lot of kids want to be he friend.  In fact they will follow him around, which drives him nuts.  One day he'll be friend's with somebody and the next day he won't want to have anything to do with them and the other child doesn't understand what's going on.

Now in school, there have been some kids who have stopped talking to him out of the blue.  These are kids my son called his "best friends."  My son spoke to his counselor about it and she called a mediation meeting between the kids and had them work it out.  My son also joined a 'social skills group' at school.  While he enjoyed it at first, he soon grew tired and has decided to quit.  This may or may not work for your daughter.  You could always inquire about it at her school.  The home-schooling sounds like a good idea, too.  But make sure your daughter is ok with it.

Are you planning on having your daughter tested to see if she does have a dx such as AS?  

Finally, have you ever taken her in for psycho-therapy?  Sometimes it helps to just let your child vent.  The therapist is able break things down and give coping suggestions.  But be sure you find one that you really trust.  I have since decided to stop consulting with one of my son's therapists because I no longer agreed with her 'take' on things.

I don't wish to sound bleak - but the "minor" situations that you katto and you Korrigan mention are just the beginning... (and even though they are minor - aggregately they kill confidence and as you know don't feel minor to your child) I read your posts and they could be mine/ours - including the social skills group and the confusion/disconnect between being followed and being popular or intersting one day and the social pariah (if only once a month) the next...( a few years ago or two years ago respectively ).  The next age group coming up is the most fickle and least loyal age group - worse than high schoolers- middle school - and I know that you Korrigan are going to avoid damaging your daughter no matter what - homeschooling if that is best.
Korrigan, I know you won't mind me saying this from the heart - this bit of advice - there is no time to waste as far as getting paperwork thru with the school, this is the bit that really gets too complicated for a child - around age 9 or 10 for girsl and 10 or 11 for boys.  Textbook and to be expected.  The problem is that it is EXACTLY the time that schools start to "let up" on supervision and on "communication" with parents.  By the time you hear of the one "minor " thing, there probably were three or four or five that you never heard about and (sorry my opinion - that the school mishandled )- thereby harming your childs "psyche" which then means they DO NEED a psycho therapist ( they get stomachaches and start not wanting to go to school, grades slip, they stop trying or shut down) (** I  think social workers are better at helping at this point -and you'll know when venting to you isn't practical or useful or helpful enough anymore and you need someone with practical support and scoail workers are less prone to mention medication). Since now your child NEEDS a friend or they just feel sad (doesn't feel so lucky now that our aspie is so very social) - I don't know if anything I am saying actually is apllicable to you - but just trying to let you know that soon, if they haven't already - they will be saying your child has "emotional" problems and "too much" anxiety and from their perspective it is "yours and your child's fault" (they might not say it but they deeply think it) They won't being to comprehend that it is the environment and their own lack of good judgement, planning and foresight, supervision, understanding, sensory  etc., .  They WILL try to get you to believe that it is "yours and your child's fault" or to at least go along, or go away this is the best we can do - they will next suggest - then even DEMAND that you medicate your child "just a buffer".  (I am not going to go into medication here).  

I type all that - all that to point at one sentence that you wrote Korrigan in your last post "Honestly, she has about 6 weeks left of school this year, then heads to day camp over the summer.  I hope to have some better things in place by the time school starts next year. "
(you never know where/when the PTSD or phobia is going to be formed) Now is the best time to do it, right now, in the US the funding is settled for next year right NOW.The squeaky wheel gets the oil and all that. Let them be TOLD THEY are lacking now, they have failed, if that is the case, daily if you have to, don't let them get off too easy and bring too much on yourself.  My child requires this, this and this, then in writing they have to say no... (you probably have been already doing all this - but anyway this age is crucial, no? they all are I guess) That said, you know that I am a big fan of homeschooling so that sounds really great. I'll talk to you in PM land.

1st step, call the school - (key words as you know my daughter has NOT been doing very well - since this year - regressing - having problems, minor now, etls' nip this inthe bud before more damage is done - used to be less anxious - "EDUCATION" suffering- we are at at tipping point - please schedule an appointment for her for a professional assessmentm now,  (THEY PAY FOR IT) and They can get appointments within 2 weeks whereas us regular parents can't get one for 6 weeks or more - "her health and education depends on this"  Thank you for helping us, she Requires Immediate intervention.... that is how you get it done.  and you don't have to pay for it either - and YOUR professional, there is no telling whether that professional's opinion is one that will "carry" any weight with them - we had pirvate people and they wanted their own....(son was NOT peased to ahve to redo tests -in fact he was mad about it) I just suggest a more direct approach -- sorry to type so fast - got to make dinner! 4:15 PM Tuesday - see you all in the forum tonight or tomorrow!

Not proof read sorry..

I know about the IEP process being long and drawn out, trust me...You are aware you can request an emergency IEP, right?  You may want to do this while you are waiting for the approval on the counseling.  That's what I did.  Don't hold back on what you want for your daughter.  I am in constant communication with my son's school.  If you need to, work your way up the chain of command.  I've found that seems to light a fire under their butts, and gets things going a bit quicker...

Hmm....I wasn't aware she wasn't having any academic difficulties.  What type of counseling are you waiting on approval for?  Is it just more extensive counseling than what she is getting now?

Hi - popped on, dinner done.  Are there sensory issues?  To me and my son, that is the #1 issue, hands down.  If there are, THAT is what they do not "get" - that alone will get her another modification - does she already have a very small class?  IF she is an aspie - maybe the modifications that are being tried are interupting her routine and That is bothering her - maybe all the hurdles that alwasy seem to be moving and changing.  If your daughter comes home and is not the same person that left in the morning, then what kattoo is saying is SO TRUE - emergency IEP.  After all the modifications are tried, and not just tried, but properly followed and implemented - even if it is a new one every week - (I could actually get away with -and the school would let my son get away with - his grades as is, 90's in 2 subjects 80's in 2 subjects and what amounts to average a C 78,79 in 2 subjects - some would say good grades right? (I don't care about grades) I want a whole person in the big picture- he hasn't actually learned anything from them - and there is a mixture of low standards, giving him a bit of too easy and him being pretty darn samrt adn compensating alot.  Grades are not the only standard.  EMotional health is important too (as you know) sorry, again I am typing way fast.  OH and the reason I actually HAD to reply is: calling is not official - it does not count - also you have to follow the chain of command - you have to go higher than the teacher - I hope that you have/had stuff in writing... Don't let them tell you "IEP, but they had to get special approval for her to do the counseling she is already in. " They are playing you - just a bit mind you - but it is a game for them . for you it is about a living breathing child.... take this with a grain of salt if not applicable - all meant to help ..
P.S. IEP's are federal due to the no child left behind! it is a law. If your daughter is still hanging on, maybe this move is too soon for you - Hindsight for me is now 20/20 - I was a year too late (maybe two) and I am putting the pieces together now (of my son) because of the learning curve of figuring out the new system....

Thank you for your thoughts, even the emotional one, I am there, trust me.  

I cannot change my work hours.  As it is, my husband works an early schedule and I work a late one, so that we can manage to get her back and forth.  We work/live in a large city, so it takes us at least an hour of travel (usually more like 1.5) to get from the office or back from.  My husband could possibly pick her up earlier, BUT the afterschool care program she is in is a specialized program with aides to help kids who are not keeping up in school.  To keep the grant, the program is required to have 3 hours per day with the kids.  Therefore, we cannot pick her up any earlier than we do.  I drop her off at 7:15 am and my husband picks her up at 5:40 pm.

While I would be comfortable with her going to another home instead of the before/afterschool care, the people around us would never offer it.  Unfortunately, we have learned that the people that she goes to school with prefer not to "mix" with people of other races.  We have tried.  

We cannot do any type of before/afterschool care in the home.  We would have to hire a full time nanny and that is just not financially possible.

We could move to a different district, but that would require leaving town entirely.  We are not in a city that has area specific schooling.  You can have your child educated anywhere in the city you want.  BUT you have to be able to get them there.  And now that she is in the Special Ed program, the schools have the ability to not take her if they do not have the "resources" for another Special Ed kid.

She is an incredible artist.  She is kind and loving to the other kids.  But she is just, well, "out of step."

There are other things we could try, but the problem is, many of them require great financial investment.  Problem is, that actually puts the homeschooling plan back more, as the funds we would use for the here and now, would come out of the paying off debt budget that we have to do to do the homeschooling.  

You know what I hate, I hate that I messed up so badly.  I have been trying to get her into testing and such for so long.  The schools kept refusing.  I did not push it far enough.  I did not know where she should be as far as her education goes, and I just took it for granted that the teachers knew what they were saying when they said "she will catch up."  I should have listened to myself more.  Now, we are stuck, biding our time and trying to make the next year or so as painless as possible for her.  

Thank you again for your ideas.  

I am right there with you Korrigan... but you really didn't mess up - you have been there for her - no one person can figure out the system so fast.  trusting in "professionals" and the many teachers that do "try" and "mean well" and are after all fallible.  Everyone is.  You are doing and have done the best you can - that is what counts in the end - and like you said - there is progress - That was our benchmark - the tipping point comes only after progress stops- (stress/regression/overload) Our guy was, happy, he was healthy, he was learning, progressing, having ideas, doing his art - having a life.  It is like a recession in economics terms, you don't recognize the recession or pattern sometimes until it is a few months later - by definition - the lack of growth has to be for consecutive months - you can't over-react and change course you could do more harm then good, but once it is clear - you will make all the right moves - becasue you are thinking, planning and using your heart.  Hope to have helped in some way. Thanks for being open and not defensive in any way. Peace and love - your friend, Deb

You did help.  Honestly, I felt terrible saying "no" to a lot of the suggestions.  They really just have us against a wall.  I am going to try my hardest to just make her life as good as possible at home, and I am going to get her in for an assessment with the clinic.

Thank you again!  Your kindess (and the kindness of the other posters) has been wonderful.