Aspies For Freedom

I really hope I'm not letting my emotions get the better of me by doing this, but I feel like I need to get something out, maybe get some advice.

I'm a 25 year old woman, and I've had undiagnosed mental disorder(s) since about the age of puberty, 9 or 10 or so.  I know (unofficially) that part of my problems are hormonal in origin - I get overly cranky and emotional and even more depressed than normal with every monthly visitor, and I've been that way from the beginning of it all. I've been in a mild-to-moderate depressed state for many years now; most of it started with being picked on in grammar school and it didn't get much better in high school. (Being one of two white kids in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood is enough on its own, throw in racial tensions and social ineptitude and it's even worse). I'm not always in a grim state of mind; there are times when I'm happy, but they never seem to last, and sometimes my moods fluctuated wildly, leading me to start believing that I was Bipolar (with manageable 'manic' states).

I've never gone in for an official mental diagnosis for any of these things. When I had the provided insurance to do it, I was too afraid to. Now I don't even have the insurance to afford doctor's visits. I researched on these topics though, I read everything I could find on the internet and any physical books I could get when I was at college. I even took all the psychology electives classes that I could afford to take. I have no doubt that I have depression, but it never explained everything. I've always felt weird, sticking out like a stick in the mud, never being good at social situations, etc. And then I stumbled across a new term to me, Asperger's (or asburgers as I first saw it written). So, curiosity finally got the better of me and I looked it up; we never discussed it in my classes at college, maybe because it wasn't "mainstream" yet.

As I read more and more about it, my heart just sank. I kept reading everything I could find, and I just started crying. It was like someone has been watching me for over a decade and wrote down just about everything "bad" about me in these details. Just about every little thing that I could say was "wrong" about me, was written out there. The first thing I thought was, "oh my god... I'm autistic?!" Then I started wondering that if that was so, why did no one ever say anything about that to me? Did everyone just think I was that nerdy and inept and gullible? When I was a kid I didn't think that way, but all the times I look back on childhood experiences, I kick myself for being such an easy target and gullible kid who made a fool out of herself.

So I took all the self-diagnosis tests I could find, and all the results rated me for "high probability/likelihood" for being an Aspie. And, I mean, part of the realization is good... It means I'm not just a total failure who can't hold onto a job nor enjoy most things other people do, but at the same time I wonder who's going to believe me? I know my parents won't believe me when it's unofficial, and maybe even when it is official, they'd still think I was just faking it or being overly emotional. And that's the hardest thing right now, since I'm still living at home while trying to find a job (and sucking at that, FYI). I'm sure my very few friends would understand and all, but since I'm not "super close" with them (as it's hard to be that close with anyone, if my last boyfriend is any indication of that) it makes little difference.  Other members of my family would be somewhat understanding, but since we're not super-knit close (we only see each other once a month, if that) it also makes little difference.

I feel like I'm stuck again. I have a label and a reasoning for why I am like I am, why I have the problems that I do, but just knowing that won't help any more than leaving me feeling just a little less lost. It still makes me feel alone, and until my family actually really understands what I'm really going through, or I actually make more-than-just-good friends, I'm still alone here.  Sure, I got internet friends, people separated from me by hundreds and hundreds of miles but still chatting with over Instant Messengers, but it's just not the same as having someone physically there.

I don't know what to do now.
And I don't know how else to close this.

First thing to do, keep breathing - that's not flippant, breath is at the heart of how we feel.

Yours is a familiar tale, unfortunately.  Despite my diagnosis, I have an old friend who just denies it outright, it doesn't suit her view of me.  I have other friends who know and accept the diagnosis - but don't know enough about AS and whose expressions of concern or other behaviours can be verging on offensive at times.  My family is far-flung and like a lot of families, not always as supportive as they might be.

And yes, sometimes I feel alone - and miserable.  At the risk of being flippant again, or of palming you off with platitudes, this too will pass - time changes everything.  You spoke of a previous boyfriend, so you're at least open to the idea that that can happen again.  It would always be an aspie relationship, whoever it was with, but they can be good, believe me - none of mine have laster forever, yet, but that's not solely an aspie issue either...

I didn't particularly want my diagnosis (not least because I know how the NT world tends to interpret 'disability'), and it took me some time to process it, to hold the idea in my head and move forward with it.

Keep breathing - again, really, though I got my breath training from drama work, you'll find the same sound advice in yoga.  Use your diaphragm, centre yourself and just breath for a while.  It brings everything back to base, as it were.  Nothing will actually be changed by it, of course, but it can refuel you for the continued journey.  Gradually, acceptance builds, you rejig your framework for understanding yourself and your place in the world in light of your AS.

Oh, I just realised how new you are - welcome, and please, stick around.  We're not physically there, I know, but generally this is a supportive forum and most of the users experience AS, if not themselves then in their families and loved ones.

First of all...
to AFF Quacthulhu!

You've come to the right place; you're amongst friends here. Most of the stuff you read about AS is negative--but it's not all negative. There is also a positive side--and you can learn about it here.

Try to
I've made some really wonderful cyber-friends here--people who understand--people I can relate too.
We've all had similar experiences...you're not alone.

First of all - Welcome!  I am glad you found a place to come and talk.  I believe you will be understood here, and that there is much valuable information here.

I am married to a recently diagnosed Aspie.  When I read your post my heart went out to you for a number of reasons.  

First, and slightly off topic, but you mentioned it, so I thought I would tell you I understand...being in a neighborhood where you are racially different can be very hard.  Our neighborhood is about 90% Asian and it is really hard to be the different one.  My daughter struggles at school as she does not look like the other kids.  They tease her for being different and she has formed a bit of, hm, buildup for the race that constantly teases her.  I wish we lived in a more diverse area, but we do not.  This can be very upsetting to anyone who lives in that situation, and I am sorry.

Second, my husband and I found out about Asperger's when a book was suggested by a co-worker called "Born on a Blue Day" about someone who is an Aspie with, as my husband calls it "the savant upgrade."  When my husband read the book he did not know that his co-worker was suggesting he might be an Aspie.  When he read about this person, and his life, the similarities were enough to make us research more.  When you look at the "signs and symptoms" of AS, it looks like a list of the things that make my husband unique and different.  We have had a difficult time adjusting to the fact that these things, who make my husband WHO HE IS, are something that you can put a name on, and not just part of HIM!  It has relieved some tension because we now know that these things are not things that need to be worked on or changed.  We have been married for many years, and a lot of the things that have come up have been things that we knew were not "normal" and some of it has caused tension in our marriage, in the past.  

We are very grateful for ever finding the word "Asperger's".  At the same time, it set our world on edge like we would have never imagined.  

It takes some time to adjust.  It has been a bit freeing for him, really.  But it is something that will take time to work out, that much I am sure of.  

I hope that you will learn a lot and make some good friends here.  Best wishes to you.

(Disclaimer - written at 4 am after being up with a child who needed me for the last hour, I am staying up to make sure she goes back to sleep before I try again, so if some of this is not terribly well written, I am sorry.  I may edit in the morning after coffee!  )  

Welcome to AFF Quacthulhu.

I don't think I'm going to be very helpful with advice for you, but I was recently diagnosed as well.  Takes a while to get used to it I think.  AFF is a good place to learn though.  I guess for me it explained the feeling for most of my life that I don't fit in.  Well, all the best for you.  I hope you can learn more about AS in order to be able to accept yourself and learn more about yourself through the label.

Welcome Cthulhu, I can totally relate to a lot of things you've written, and lemme tell you, you're not alone here.  Or you won't be, anymore.