I just realized that I have hit 4,000 posts.
I wonder if perhaps it is time for me to retire--hang up the cape and cowl for good--as I may now be outstaying my welcome.
I've thought of the idea of posting less, like, not on most days of the week, but I realize that's not the best option for me because I am a very poor reader--very slow most of the time--and I would not be able to catch up.
Not to mention, I must have a routine for everything, and I like to keep routines. I wouldn't enjoy popping up at random, checking the responses the next night, and then just leaving it at that. That approach does not work for me.
Judging from responses from some members, I am also an irritant to many of you. I've had the occasional "you've been on AFF for a while but you're not making any progress in your life, and you still haven't got the official DX, so why not just forget about it" thing, and that kinda bugs me.
So, have I outstayed my welcome? Is it time for me to leave AFF?
Maybe I should leave. I've said all along that I'm among the very dimmest--cognitively--on AFF and it seems that there is a subterranean network here that sees things in this "judgmental, look at this idiot" kinda way that makes me think less of myself.
Another thread here had a string of posts where someone was called "stupid and lacking intelligence" for misunderstanding a post. I'm guilty of such misunderstandings all the time.
If there's a network of people here who think I'm stupid--but simply don't want to say so, out of politeness--maybe I should leave.
Batman, I know that I am on here too much - but I am a homemaker and have to stay close to home alot. You are younger and may need to schedule more time away and out and about for yourself. Your idea of maybe spending less (quantity) time, but more quality time - like only getting involved with X amount of posts per day - so that you could still keep up in your reading may be a good idea. (your idea, not mine) I may even try it myself. Don't go. Adjust yourself if it will make you happy.
The adjustment to less posts is the most likely possibility.
In general, I've said I can't be here unless it's part of a daily routine, and that's just how it is for me. My life is full of this "all or nothing" style. I also can't join other sites--unless it's a replacement for AFF. I can't divide my attention with two forums equally, I've tried it before. Reading and writing are very slow for me, unfortunately.
Example: It's like if I'm working on artwork, I have to work on it every day, around the same time, if the routine is broken, I have trouble "finding my voice" again. Doing things out of order throws me off a bit, spontaneity is mostly out of the question.
I've tried to make people understand how executive dysfunction--cognitive inflexibility, basically--leads to my "weird-living" tendencies, and I'm still not sure the message is getting through.
I don't solicit advice and dismiss it just to be a contrarian (although I am oppositional), I usually dismiss it because I know I'm not capable of "assembling the parts" or planning the change effectively. It's not to say I shouldn't get any advice, it's just that it takes an extraordinarily long time to incorporate anything that I read.
It's like if I have to make a lifestyle change, I have to "lose a piece of myself", and then replace it with a new part (the change) and the process is grating and may not produce the outcome I desired in the first place. Maybe that's what some people on here are missing.
To call it "my responsibility as a human being to make proactive changes" is forgetting that change, for me, is like chipping off a piece of my personality and replacing it with something alien. That's not what I want, most of the time.
You're clearly not stupid, Batman55 - on the thread you refer to, you seemed to be the only other person contributing who actually understood how wildly inappropriate and wilfully hurtful those attacks on someone's intelligence were. If there is a network of people who regard aspergian responses as 'stupi', then it's a loose network of NT parents - and they're not polite enough not to say so.
My own ability at maths is dismal - I don't like numbers, I don't enjoy them, I'd rather avoid them. But like you I have a flair for words, an inate understanding of grammar and an ability to see the concepts behind the words. You're not stupid. I also find being here hard at times - I left for a long while...and I'm not sure I'm staying now I'm back.
Weigh it up - if you're going to leave because it's a good thing for you right now, then good luck and I hope we see you back soon. If you're thinking of leaving because of some insecure and immature sledging elsewhere on the forum, please, take a deep breath, remind yourself of what you are good at and step forward at your own pace. I for one would miss you.
The issue is whether or not you benefit from your time spent on AFF. Ask yourself--Why am I here? How is being here helping or hurting me? Are there more important ways to spend my time?
The question I have to ask is, why would this be any concern to you (or other people on AFF)? I might be thinking one-dimensionally here, only a couple times people have said "if AFF isn't helping you progress, maybe you should leave." Perhaps I'm seeing too much into this.
Either way, I have reasons for having the lifestyle I have. Admittedly a decent chunk of time is spent on AFF, but being here allows me to practice writing skills--something I value highly and want to improve upon--and read new words and thoughts and ideas. That's "good activity" for me. It is concentrated on just one forum, but so what? I don't do "multi" very well, in fact I don't do it at all.
About my attention-seeking:
1) It's in my personality. I cannot attract attention from people in real life as much as I would like because of a social limitation--I am "waved off" a lot because people don't take my comments seriously--and I don't think I need to say much more than that.
2) A lot of Aspies have fulfillment from the knowledge and confidence they get from gifted intelligence, and/or strong skills in one or more areas. That's all the attention most Aspies need, just that right there. But if you had to be in my shoes--no abilities, basically--how else would you verify your existence?
3) If I say I have a limitation, or a deficit--even excessively--it's because I really have the limitation or deficit or whatever it is. I have never told a lie about these things, why would I.
So yeah, I really am plagued with problems associated with autism, I would consider myself disabled; if you folks aren't disabled by your AS or whatever, good for you. So don't assume I can use advice that works for you and criticize me when I say I can't/don't want to use it.
You can verify your existence by paying attention to your breathing.
I wonder if you might have meant "validate", but maybe not.
I think it's part of the human condition to have issues around self-worth. And the more that "worth" is couched in terms of producing something that others find valuable, the more problems with self-worth might occur for someone who doesn't produce those things.
You're right, and what kind of worth can someone have when they don't have the ability to produce anything valuable, marketable, or whatever?
To me, just the virtue of being made in God's image, "love life for what it is", is simply not good enough. Just take a look around at many of the highest functioning Aspies--it's clear they don't feel this way either. Their pride comes more from intellect--and what they can do with it--than intrinsic value as a member of the human race.
Or so it would seem to me. I've met some intelligent Aspergian-type personalities in real life, and you wouldn't dare challenge their ability in their area of interest, because it is not fun to see the result.
I like you, Batman55, but if you are as stuck in this negativity groove as you appear to be, you need more help than we can provide. Ultimately, only you can provide the answers you need - they may be escaping you at the moment, but that may be because you seem to be focussing on what is wrong for/to you and refusing to accept that there might be answers, let alone explore what they are.
You will be disliked by some people everywhere and anywhere - you are also liked by some people here, and some people everywhere and anywhere will like you.
Try typing that, right now - making a positive thought concrete can help it conqure the negative thoughts. It is true - if some dislike you, it follows that some people like you. Write that instead - you might find more people posting here...positivity appeals to people, especially groups of people who probably have enough of their own negativity to field.
Yes, I do understand how executive dysfunction works, batman55 - and no, neither I nor 'everyone else' sees it as a lie.
I didn't address the question you raise again in this most recent post. You didn't address my post either - maybe you are right, since AFF cannot (not will not, can not) address the extreme negative state you are mired in, then perhaps giving it a miss for a while is a good idea, for you, right now. I hope you use the time away to tackle your negativity.
No, I'll repeat my point - fair enough, it's 'your' thread, but please don't take me to task for not addressing your points if you refuse to even acknowledge whatever help you're given. I don't believe your executive dysfunction prevents you from, now, entering a post that is as true as 'some people don't like me' but is expressed from a positive viewpoint: eg, "some people do like me".
It won't change the nature of the problem you seek a solution for - I don't believe that can be changed. But it will be a small step towards finding a positive approach to the hand you've been dealt.
quickduck, people tend to assume that the pencil portraits I produce are a 'gift' - they are, though I say so myself (other people say it too...) phenomenal - lifelike, spookily so in the right lighting. But they came about only a few years ago, when I was homeless and had found a hostel to move on from.
Sat in a small room with few possessions, knowing no-one in the area (and being in a poor position to network - 'homeless' is a difficult label too), surrounded by alkie and smackheads, with too much time and not enough money, I struggled for a while to hang on to some positivity. I went and bought a pencil, and a pad - it seemed like the cheapest way to pass the time usefully, though what little drawing I'd attempted in the past didn't suggest any great potential.
Necessity is the father of talent, I suppose - I just kept working at it, and now I sell portraits and erotic pieces (that was a cynical move - sex always sells
). It's never likely to be my main source of income, but the point is it wasn't a gift. It was something I went out and got.
I like your pictures, by the way - words are my favoured tool, but communication can take so many forms - and they all dependent on the person being communicated to (that's you, batman) being open to a message in any medium.
<editbutton> see that first sentence, where I seem to be saying 'they are [a gift]'? Bad line break, I'm saying they are phenomenal - they're not a gift, as I go on to say
I think you perhaps have an unrealistic impression of yourself batman; you're clever...everyone here knows you're clever. You've proved you're clever here on the forum.
Your main problem (if indeed you have a problem) is emotional...its your negativity; and this cannot be tackled by contemplating your 'executive dysfunction'--only by looking toward self-acceptance.
and the only part batman will read is "if indeed you have a problem".
Please, batman55 - you do have a problem, it's 'all jigsaw' right now. Put the 'jigsaw' to one side - and apply your considerable executive function to the notion of positivity.
Express what you express negatively from the other end - the positive end. Some people like you, some people envy your lifestyle. Say it, please.
Nobody likes an endless stream of self-pitying negativity, batman55 - that doesn't mean nobody likes you. You can change that, and please, you have to try.
Not caring about others isn't an Aspie Thing. It's a Arsehole Thing.
I may sig that...
I have a serious question: what would you do if you couldn't live the way you are living now? That is, what if your family could not afford to continue to care for you, or if you just didn't have any family to begin with? Would you just live homeless on the streets? Would you try and get a job and your own place to live? Would you try to get welfare checks?
I am genuinely curious, as you seem to have it somewhat easier than many people here, most of whom would not be able to live with their parents and be unemployed even if they had the exact same problems/difficulties/disabilities that you have. What would you do if you were in their situation? My family is financially secure for the most part, but my mother has always made it clear that in order to live at home, my siblings and I must be a full-time student or have a full time job. What would you do if your family had a similar rule?
From reading your posts, I often get the feeling that you lead the lifestyle you do because you are allowed to. In the vast majority of families in the US, this would be impossible or simply not tolerated. You've indicated you grew up in a financially secure environment, and I'm assuming this is still the case, so therefore there are no real consequences of your being unemployed. You don't want to change because you don't have to.
You are very lucky you are able to live comfortably despite being unemployed, and I don't think you acknowlege/appreciate that (or at least not as much as you should). There are many people, many people on this forum even, who are as disabled or more disabled than you are, and yet they still work hard to gain/keep employment, have a place to live, provide for their families, and even take time enjoy their special interests. The difference between you and them is that they have to do this, while you don't.