Aspies For Freedom

I am new and have been reading your posts for several days now. I have to say that I myself have Aspie traits. I am 25 years old, never had a longterm relationship, am only interested in intellectuals, do not drive, have obsessive interests in 3-4 areas, want alone time, and feel overwhelmed if someone smothers me with feelings. Oh, and I also love to travel alone.....to different countries. I visited two European countries all by myself for no reason than to just be gone for a while and to see how people in other countries live.

Would I qualify as an Aspie?

Now here is my dilemma. For the past two years, I have been very interested in a man who is in his early 50s. He is my prof. although he lives in another country. We only see each other for two months in the summer but I will see him again for a week in a few days.

I believe that he is an Aspie. He is single and never married, no children, and no girlfriend to the point that some of his students wonder whether he is gay. On the first day he met me as his student, we were in class, he excused himself to go to the bathroom, and came back to teach with his shirt unbottoned up to his naval! After a few days, he started breathing heavily every time he'd pass me in public and had trouble sitting next to me because he'd get excited. Apparently he was getting erections and had to go to the bathroom to finish himself off. Last summer, on the last day before I left, I told him I adored him and he kissed me passionately on my neck and shoulders. I froze.....I just stood there looking at him and left. I saw him again after three days and we had dinner together but he seemed depressed and a bit cold toward me. I suppose my lack of reciprocation must have affected him.

I know he is a man who needs space so throughout the year, I must have sent him about 4 SMSs. He never replied to any of them except for the e-mail I sent him. I saw him again in December of last year and he still has the arousal problem. He get aroused just by looking at me and has to leave. I also noticed that before I left him, he was fidgeting with his cell phone (sometimes he pretends to be talking to someone on the phone and there is no one on the other end) and waiting for me to go up to him and kiss him (he was looking me up and down.) Silly me I froze again. It is because I have been tought that women should let the man make the first move. He did and I still tend to freeze when he wants me to make a move 'cause after all, he is my professor.

Lately, he mentions marriage a lot when he is in my company. I overheard his relative saying that he'd like to marry me but is afraid of the age difference.

I really love this man and the age difference does not bother me. What bothers me is his lack of initiating contact. If I call him and ask to go out with him, he will come. However, he can't do that with me.

What should I do when I see him in a few days? Should I just jump him and tell him how much I adore him again, or will he feel threatened and withdrow. I am really confused.

Are you still a student of his? If so, I wouldn't really recommend having a relationship with him, because that can probably get your admittance revoked from the school and/or get him fired. At the very least (that is, if you don't get caught by officials), it would still put you in a pretty weird situation.

That said, if you are really adamant about having a relationship with this man, it may be necessary for you to first take the initiative. If he has never had a serious relationship, he likely doesn't know how to act and may be too nervous to do anything. If you start the relationship, he will probably become more comfortable with taking the initiative a bit later on, once you two know each other well.

Hi Natalie,

The student/prof relationship is not a problem. He lives in a country where such relationships are not problematic. Besides, I am only a visiting summer school student and he does not have grading power over me anymore.

you havent' given us enough information - also - not appropriate for us to guess at a diagnosis.
welcome.

More information? He used to stare at me in the beginning when things were just starting out. Then, once he became somewhat emotionaly involved with me, he could barely look at me. I'd be speaking to him and his eyes would be up and to the right or left all the time. He'd only do this with me. Fortunately, he could look at me for some of the time last December. This thing he did with the eye aversion drove me insane. I could see he was suffering internally because he had this sad expression on his face and became teary-eyed a few times. He also told me that no one understands him.

Oh - ummm - I wouldn't jump to put a label on him just yet.

He sounds lovely. Just go slowly ... see how things pan out.

But .. it is always good to be informed -perhaps don't jump to conclusions - just yet anyway.

keep in touch.

oh - I really should read things more carefully. I have no idea about the arousal problems....
too confusing - sorry.

Yeah, the arousal problems are what's confusing me too. I could understand if he was 20 years old, but to be like that at 50 is somewhat odd. It is flattering though. I can tell he feels a lot of anxiety because I have not reciprocated yet.

Mmmm....the arousal thing suggests perhaps two things.  1. He's some kind of pervert, but that seems unlikely given his job and his age, which means he's been in the job for a while.  2.  The fact that you can identify aspie traits and he has no apparent relationship history.  This seems more likely.

But...what you haven't told us is what your relationship is with him, apart from this physical/psychological side.  How do you know that you love him?  Have you fallen for the person you know as a tutor who has a physical attraction to you, or have you got to know him more informally as a friend?

Dear Penthouse.....

lanakaki, I'd suggest that you write to him or speak to him about the problems you have reciprocating.  Explain to him that you love him and tell him you'd be more comfortable if he could initiate contact more often, and also mention that you'd like to work through this problem together.  That will make him understand why you have acted this way and make him feel like there is something he can do to help.

Hahaha, hillarious!

He is not a pervert because his other female students never saw this in him before. I also have to say that he is very well known in his field and is always careful and private about such things.

He seems to get very frustrated when this thing happens to him and I don't do anything about it. The truth is, I feel a bit embarassed and don't know how to tell him.

I have known him as a friend since we went out a few times and we talk about everything and have common interests. As I said above, he has kissed me and I have told him how wonderful he is and how much I adore him. What more could a man of his age want? Well, maybe he thinks that because I am not jumping him, I am not interested in him sexually (which is further from the truth).

I see further Aspie traits in him in that he disappears for days without telling anyone and doesn't speak about his private life even with his friends. He once told me that he feels so much better when he yells at someone than when he bottles up his feelings.