I went to visit this autism school yesterday, which has the wonderful Aspergers program. Anyhoo, One of the parents had asked the question, "what happens if a family hasn't told their child about the diagnosis by the time they go to this school."
I couldn't relate, since I told my son the day we found out he had Aspergers. As I've mentioned, I kept it positive and he is very proud to be an Aspie. In fact he talks about it quite often and his self-esteem has actually gotten BETTER, as opposed to when he didn't know.
So I was wondering, do you acknowledge your diagnosis at all or do you not think about it? If you are the parent of an Aspie, have you told your child yet? Why or why not? What was your child's reaction? Have you even gotten a diagnosis or does it not matter to you? I'm curious...tnx.
We're still waiting for my son's assessment, which is still months off so I won't mention it to him until we have a definate date.
What I've been doing meantime is basically just not hiding the books about Aspergers and he's had a look at some of the more child-friendly threads on AFF. If he asks about the books or AFF then we talk about it kind of generally until he loses interest - which is pretty quickly!
In fact, now I think about it the only interest he has shown was on the cover of one of the books - he commented that the boy pictured on the cover looked like him, which was right! His only other interest was why I pronounced Asperger's with a hard instead of a soft 'g', which as he pointed out, is more usual in English when followed by 'e'. Conversation then re-routed to a discussion of German, French and Spanish pronounciation and how and why it differed from English.
Come to think of it, conversations with my son are very similar to threads on AFF!
I should have said - when we do get the appointment organised I intend to explain more to him at that stage, about the spectrum and Asperger's generally. I think it's important that he knows what is happening and why.
He'll ask anyway and I think it is vitally important to be honest and open with my son, particularly as it is his life which is directly affected.
How old is your son, Marcia?
I've known my son was on the spectrum - (since he was about 2 years old) I constantly researched all different kinds of diangnosis- fragile X, CAP, SID, etc. ,.to see what else if anything went with his autism) he is all over the map spectrum wise, depending on the year, the week, the stresses of a more complex subjects and social situations. Our son is the type that does not like labels and my husband and I - don't / didn't see the point either. Though when it became apparent that his math LD was going to have a huge impact on his ability to stay happy with ands in his school environment we had to have him officially diagnosed (before 4th grade) and then before 5th grade as an aspie. Even though he was diagnosed in November of 2007, we did not tell him right then - as he was pretty mad at being taken around and constantly asked useless questions and the same questions and all those extra tests - had we told him then, he would be even more resistent to a diagnosis.. (he has an excellent vocabulary so he knows that the word diagnosis has connotations of a health PROBLEM - he doesn't have a problem much less a syndrome - meaning all in his head) Sowithin a few weeks, the school and his Doctor said we should tell him, so we did in a positive way of course - hey check this out isn't this cool - he wasn't buying it... he said NO way, what a silly name and what does that have to do with me, I'm me, I don't need an explantation about me - and he (rightly) thought, that the school was going to "mess with him" now. I;m not the probelm it's those lousy kids at that lousy middle school, why don't tehy diagnose them with something! I'm not bothering anyone, why doesn't everyone leave him alone? Stop with all the helping it makes things worse and eventually, "I think that someone got their papers all mixed up" the funny thing is that at school they had an aspergers assembly -before we told him - and he came home and said, hey I saw this movie and I think I might be Aspergers- they act just like me, so the diffence is whether he wants to call himself something or not.
My point is kattoo I can relate to not telling a kid. Particularly a kid who resists all labels or who is managing on his own premise of I'm unique, if you're not, that's not my problem!
How old is your son, Marcia?
He was 6 last December. He's in his second year of primary school, where he is one of the youngest in his class.
Oh dear Marcia, my son was born in January and therefore was neither younger or much older than his classmates - I wish he were younger as I would have held him back at home another year - have you considered reatining him in 2nd year of primary now while he is still rather young? It is too late now, psychologically speaking for my son now, but if he were one grade below, he would do much better - maturity level wise AND academically (in math anyway). He gets along better with kids slightly younger than his chronological age...
I mean if I could go back in time--- I would , was the point. It would have done wonders for his confidence - more of a chance to succeed.
Oh dear Marcia, my son was born in January and therefore was neither younger or much older than his classmates - I wish he were younger as I would have held him back at home another year - have you considered reatining him in 2nd year of primary now while he is still rather young? It is too late now, psychologically speaking for my son now, but if he were one grade below, he would do much better - maturity level wise AND academically (in math anyway). He gets along better with kids slightly younger than his chronological age...
That's an interesting thought which would be well worth exploring.
Ideally, he would have waited another year before starting school, but there were problems with him changing from a nursery he hated to one that he loved, but which closed down. It's so difficult to get a nursery place at all, never mind one he'd be happy in, so we decided it was better for him to go to school young with a very positive nursery experience behind him, than to delay for a year and risk another bad nursery experience.
His class teacher started telling me after only two weeks of P1 that he was immature and couldn't follow a series of intructions. We now of course, realise that this is associated with AS, but didn't know that at the time.
Last year, I asked if it would possible, or advisable for him to repeat P1, but there was a problem with numbers and at that point the Scottish Executive wanted class sizes to be reduced. Also, by the end of the year the teacher felt he was coping better.
But, you've made me think... He does seem to have as many friends in P1 as in his own class and he does generally get on better with younger children. He's also very conscious of his size, he's the smallest child in the school, so that wouldn't be so obvious if he repeated a year.
Thank you, I'm going to give this one serious thought. I can foresee my husband possible being opposed to it, but I think my son might well be ok about it. The biggest problem may well be boredom. He is above average academically and really it's only his writing which is below average - that and his organisational skills.
have you considered reatining him in 2nd year of primary now while he is still rather young?
I am going to stick my head in here and say that our daughter was born in October, so she started Kindergarten when she was 4. It was a huge mistake for us. Even if she is not on the spectrum (not tackling that yet) she has LD and she was just plain NOT READY. We listened to the private school that wanted her there, and we realized it was a big mistake. Then we had a fight with the public elementary school due to the "stigma" that would follow her if she were held back a year. We finally changed schools and had a HUGE fight with the district, but were able to hold her back. She was finally (for a year anyway) at the same level as the other kids and she is not ashamed of being a little older (some of the kids have commented, but she says that she was younger than everyone in the other grade, and it works out.) With or without her learning disabilities, she connects better with younger kids, and she has done well with the change in grade.
Thanks for that, Korrigan, that's encouraging to know. I'm definately going to discuss this with the school to see if it's possible. The fact that they reckon he's aspie, even without a dx, may help.
Back on topic! I think telling a child about their diagnosis as and when it happens is akin to telling children from an early age that they have been adopted. I have two cousins who were adopted as babies and they were told from a very young age, so it's never been a big issue. I've also known people who weren't told they were adopted until they were in their late teens, and it was a massive issue - they felt betrayed and that they'd been deceived by their parents and family.
Did the parents you met, kattoo13, say why they had decided not to tell their children?
So I was wondering, do you acknowledge your diagnosis at all or do you not think about it? If you are the parent of an Aspie, have you told your child yet? Why or why not? What was your child's reaction? Have you even gotten a diagnosis or does it not matter to you? I'm curious...tnx.
We plan on taking our daughter to the same clinic my husband went to. We have to save up the money to do so, but it is planned. We will tell her about her diagnosis, when and if she gets one.
But, we have some experience in this with her, and for her, it will be a good thing. Her confidence level since getting an official assessment of Learning Disabilities has increased dramatically. Now, instead of feeling frustrated and upset about not keeping up with the kids in certain areas and getting overwhelmed with the work on the page, and the noise in class, she is able to understand that it is because she learns DIFFERENTLY. Not less, just DIFFERENT.
Example - her teacher was out for a few days to allow the student teacher to do his in-class time. They were learning a new topic, and my daughter was having a hard time grasping it. For the first time in MONTHS she had a stress induced stomach ache (intestinal migraine) and told us it was because of this teacher not understanding her. We talked to her about it and told her to let him know he needs to read her IEP. She did this at recess. I was SO PROUD of her. The situation has resolved, and she told me the other day, "He really understands me."