Does he have the attitude that he'll learn what he needs to know at the time that he needs to know it? Is he basically bright but not motivated? What are his interests? Can they be worked with to develop genuine skills that will help him be independent?
Maybe encouraging him to practice some "life maintenance" skills would be good--like cooking, laundry, managing money, etc.
I don't know what would help most. What does HE say? (That is, what might he say if you put it to him that you want to help but don't exactly know how?) What would HE consider to be supportive?
(Sorry...I'm thinking here of how counterproductive all my Mom's efforts were to help me learn the domestic arts. She, being a perfectionist, succeeded in turning me off altogether....I wasn't ready or interested and all her efforts did were to lower what was already fairly low self-esteem to begin with.)
Can I say to you that maybe you should consider his chronological age 16 as not his true age developmentally. Let's say he lost 6 years without consistency and structure. Average garden variety kids who haven't been parented well (learned bad habits) supposedly can be resilient and catch up- it takes 4 months for every year. So 4 months x 6 equals 24 months, so treat him like a 14 year old, an din two years he will be like a 16 year old. You have time, don't let outside forces of the world dictate to you unnatural timetables. How mnay young adults today ( here in the US are 25-30 years old and still live at home) - one step at a time, who knows, in a couple years he may be such a joy to live with and you'll not wish to see him go so fast. Hopefully you will do all that you are hoping to and he will want to go and be independent.
Obviously that isn't the only issue, but I am just suggesting that you not put time frames on yourself and particularly on him that are arbitrary in nature. Goals and benchmarks are helpful, but he has to set the pace, you follow the pace and then you lead. Frankly, as I think you have intimated in your first post, the biggest trouble is 2 separate houses with two sets of rules - but setting the rules and being patient during the next 2 years and him being a teenager with all the hormones. I guess you know it will be tough, it sounds to me like you are up to the challenge though.
As far as homework, the most challenging part of home life for us here is helping our oldest son, aspie (now 11) to finish his homewrok - he is not very motivated to do it - conversely, he MUST finish it because he expects himself to, (part of his routine) but it stresses him out. If I am not standing right there, it won't get done - unless he is very motivated. It is so hard to figure out when it is okay to use a carrot and sstick and when he needs to try to leanr to motivate himslef. I don't have the answer. I know though, that he is NOT avoiding his work to make me angry, so that helps me to be patient. You may consider letting him reap the consequences of him not doing his homework -like on the nights he is at his moms.. as long as the school (does he get special services) will properly handle when he does not do his assignments - It is really their job and HIS job to motivate and follow thru. Maybe when he doesn't he should be made to stay after - our school has an after school homework club, so he does his homework with other adult supervision and you can enjoy the time you have with him. Maybe he is just too tired at night after a long day to do it and it is not punishment to stay after but a help, if it is set up the right way - let him be a part of the arrangement, on the days when you don't have time or are too tired the school will have you stay after - maybe he will like doing it at school, maybe he will then be motivated to do his work? (We recently made it so that our son only has about 5 minutes per subject-to alleviate the stress on him - and on home life.) (Though 5 minutes of math tonite took over an hour as he has a math LD (dyscalculia) and 7 subjects per day does add up.
Hi there, and welcome aboard.
I have little to offer, except one bit of advice that would have helped me: please try to remember that there's no real correlation between school grades and life skills. I did quite well at things academic, so it was just assumed that I would pick up neccessary skills like how to do an organised grocery shop and keep my place clean through whatever process of osmosis 'normal' kids learn these things. I didn't.
Hi there, and welcome aboard.
I have little to offer, except one bit of advice that would have helped me: please try to remember that there's no real correlation between school grades and life skills. I did quite well at things academic, so it was just assumed that I would pick up neccessary skills like how to do an organised grocery shop and keep my place clean through whatever process of osmosis 'normal' kids learn these things. I didn't.
Ethel well said, your point is well taken.
We aren't focusing on grades with our aspie son, but we think that being diligent and doing your best is important. Important skills, like following through instead of looking for ways to get out of working. Our son has okay grades, but he doesn't like to do his work, and he doesn't do his work well. No motivation. I don't understand how they give him the grades they are this year a's b's and a C I think. When he is not having to do school work, he is happy and he likes to cook a little and look for groceries in the market and when not stressed does pretty well I'd say at those kinds of lifes skills. I should say relatively well - he is slower and stuff, but the difference seems to be he likes that kind of stuff. Life though, the way it is currently set up, is about taking responsibility for yourself and your choices .... and making money somehow. We hope our son ends up feeling self motivated even on stuff that is boring to him . I know that I can't always take the short cuts or not do something cuz it is hard or boring.
Can I say to you that maybe you should consider his chronological age 16 as not his true age developmentally. Let's say he lost 6 years without consistency and structure. Average garden variety kids who haven't been parented well (learned bad habits) supposedly can be resilient and catch up- it takes 4 months for every year. So 4 months x 6 equals 24 months, so treat him like a 14 year old, an din two years he will be like a 16 year old.
Sorry, but a person is what he is, regardless of Asperger's/PDD or not. I don't think "treating him like a 14 yr old" is the right advice. By the same token, I don't think "treating him like an average 16-yr old" is the right advice either. That is too arbitrary. Developmental age is not a science.
I'd say the best route is to find his interests and find a way for him to develop skills in those areas.
Many employed people on AFF have a job that revolves around their interests. It is better than having a low-paying job that has nothing to do with your interests, let me tell you that much (from my experience anyway.)
And, forget what this person said about "developmental age." That is offensive to people who actually have Asperger's, like me.
I'd like to say that I did fairly well at school--"B" average--until I turned 16. I was also fairly preoccupied with the video games/television world--I'm a more "creative" Aspie, disabled in Math and not interested nor good at academics--but I don't think that was the reason I started to really slide in 10th grade (I was 16 then.)
It was the new demands on abstract thinking (the "think for yourself" kinda thing) and multitasking and also group work that really began overbearing. Not to mention, there was more pressure on students then, with each passing grade. I hit my breaking point in 11th grade, where I was pulled out of mainstream and placed into an "emotional support" program.
I could go on, but I'll just try and give my opinion on a few things here:
-Video games and television do not ruin someone with AS--in some cases electronic media could be a "special interest," depending on what kind of person the Aspergian is. Someone good at school might be drawn more to books, for example. Someone artistically inclined might enjoy visual stimuli better. In addition to this, I know it was also a bit of "instead of socializing" kinda thing--socializing was painful at that age, and I enjoyed time by myself better.
-Bad parenting does not "turn back the clock" for an AS person, anymore than it does for an NT person.
-Do not use much force on an AS kid. There have been times where such things were tried for me, and I made life a living hell for those who imposed it on me. But also, the forced change of routine--not having my own control anymore--caused anxiety and depression.
This is not to say the AS kid should be allowed to do whatever he wants; but it is to say that some AS personalities may not take well to force, I knew I was like that. Just try to keep an open mind.
My advice may not be worth much - but - I would say - back off and leave him alone.
Show him love and care - but if he doesn't want to do his homework - that's his responsibility - not yours.
He will be younger than his chronological years. My son is about 6 years behind in his ability to maintain himself.
Life will be a big enough struggle for him - with changing his living environment and growing through adolescence with aspergers.
Let him have a lot of time to blob out from the world and to do just what he wants to do. Let him find some peace. Don't make him conform to what everyone else expects him to be. Let him find his own way - but always be there in the background to love and support him on a day to day basis.
Eventually this child will find his own way to cope and live in the world.
Don't pressure him.
If you apply pressure - I believe he will retreat further away from you in an effort to find peace.
ohh - one other thing - this child requires acceptance for being just the way he is.
Regarding teaching him life skills and putting a time limit on this - obviously I haven't met this person but you need to accept the possibility that there might be certain life skills that your step son is not able to acquire or will not be able to acquire for some time.
I am 27, a graduate and I just about managed to work part time. I also have a social worker, a support worker and and Occupational Therapist and currently live with an elderly relative while I wait for appropriate supported housing to be found.
The point I'm trying to make is that some people, even though they may be intelligent in some areas, are not able to develop certain skills. Just because someone can to x it doesn't mean they should be just as good at y and that if they are not it is their fault for not trying.
If your stepson really struggles with life skills, then support needs to be put in place and also supported housing is an option. Also what is the rush? Are you planning to kick him out at 18? It is not fair to put all the pressure on him to do things that he may well have an above average level of difficulty with.
Regarding the homework, I agree with what Batman55 said about using his interests. For example the video games interest could lead him to look at pursuing a career in games design.
Also, the fact that he needs supervision to do his homework could again suggest a difficulty and a support need rather then just that he is behaving badly.
If you do not feel you can continue to give this level of support, then you need to contact the local education authority to have an assessment done so that they can provide him with adequate support with his schoolwork.
Please don't assume that his behaviour is just him being bad or unco-operative. One of the unfortunate problems with AS is that some traits can manifest in ways that resemble that of a misbehaving NT.
Well, he is not NT, so please don't judge his behaviour in the same way. It could just be that he is having a lot of difficulties and has support needs.
Lucie, your words are just great. I think that the people in the world these days really rush through so many things, and you "need" to conform to so many things to do well in society. I think that with parents, you need to have the acceptance that you are who you are, and you will find your way eventually.
Atypical, I understood what you meant. My daughter is living "young" and I have accepted it. She is 8, and is not ready to be a "tween" yet and prefers her stuffed animals and children younger than her for playtime.
Actually, all of you have had such wise words. I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock to when my husband was growing up and change the way his parents treated him. I guess he would not be the person he is, but it makes me sad to think of the horrible way they treated him.
lbgsatx you seem really overwhelmed. Structure and routine are important in the house, but they have to be workable and built around the people expected to perform in them. You seem to be such a caring person. I really hope that things get better soon. I have not had a child of that age, so I cannot add too much more.
Regarding teaching him life skills and putting a time limit on this - obviously I haven't met this person but you need to accept the possibility that there might be certain life skills that your step son is not able to acquire or will not be able to acquire for some time.
I am 27, a graduate and I just about managed to work part time. I also have a social worker, a support worker and and Occupational Therapist and currently live with an elderly relative while I wait for appropriate supported housing to be found.
The point I'm trying to make is that some people, even though they may be intelligent in some areas, are not able to develop certain skills. Just because someone can to x it doesn't mean they should be just as good at y and that if they are not it is their fault for not trying.
If your stepson really struggles with life skills, then support needs to be put in place and also supported housing is an option. Also what is the rush? Are you planning to kick him out at 18? It is not fair to put all the pressure on him to do things that he may well have an above average level of difficulty with.
Regarding the homework, I agree with what Batman55 said about using his interests. For example the video games interest could lead him to look at pursuing a career in games design.
Also, the fact that he needs supervision to do his homework could again suggest a difficulty and a support need rather then just that he is behaving badly.
If you do not feel you can continue to give this level of support, then you need to contact the local education authority to have an assessment done so that they can provide him with adequate support with his schoolwork.
Please don't assume that his behaviour is just him being bad or unco-operative. One of the unfortunate problems with AS is that some traits can manifest in ways that resemble that of a misbehaving NT.
Well, he is not NT, so please don't judge his behaviour in the same way. It could just be that he is having a lot of difficulties and has support needs.
I couldn't have said it better myself. I agree with most everything here.
The talk of developmental age still bugs me a little bit, I don't know why, I just get perturbed by it.
I wish people would instead say "social skills and independent living skills are problem areas for my kid, at the moment" something like that.
I would point out that, though, for many with AS--you just have to wait a while--social skills could "invert" themselves and become, oddly enough, a bit of a strength. There seems to be an ease and a willingness for AS kids to communicate with adults more than their same-age counterparts--I remember being like this myself--and AS kids also tend to skip that peer-pressure stage.
B"H
My sense is that this parent should listen to what the young man has to say. Ask him what is important to HIM. 16 is a tough age if you feel that you are not understood. Remember that many teenagers feel guilty because of their rebellion. They know instinctively that rebellion is a violation of the Fifth Commandment, implanted in the heart. Therefore, if you ask what is important in their lives, it lessens the guilt, and ultimately bridges the gap. Rebellion can then be replaced by a form of communication that is more constructive.
Start by asking what is important in his life. If it is video games, play them with him (without violence or sex in them...NO "Grand Theft Auto"). Talk to him. That is the best way to relate to any kid. You can then share what is important to you.
I'll be honest with you. Divorce has been terrible for kids. The deed is done in your life. However, you can counsel your friends thinking of divorce, and convince them to work things out. Meanwhile, LOVE this kid. That is your responsibility. He is yours. Don't even think otherwise.
All the best.
Hopefully this won't turn into a rant, but I am truly at the end of my rope. My husband's son came to live with us last school year. He is now 16, and he has Asperger's. I know a little about the syndrome, but obviously not enough because I have reached my limit.
Short version. Husband's ex let 16 yr old live in a fantasy world of video games and television until he came to live with us at 14. School was never a priority and homework was rarely done unless it was at our house. D's and F's. Custody changed two years ago after his mother decided she couldn't handle him anymore, and his counselor told her that she stinks as a parent - and that he would never graduate from HS and would live in a group home. Now he lives with us and his little brother and sister.
As long as I spend a couple of hours each night going over his homework, assignments and grades, he stays on task pretty well and makes decent grades. Now A's and B's. His test grades (our idea of his "real" grades since those are without any assistance) are in the B range. We couldn't be happier...unless he could learn some independence.
We don't feel like we have much longer to get him ready for "life" and I think the most important thing is to make him self-sufficient. I've tried positive reinforcement: you will get a limited amount of video game time or TV time if you have all homework done and no missing assignments; or if your backpack is organized, you will get computer time.
I've tried punishment: if you don't have all of your assignments written down each day, you will not get to fully participate in ROTC or Boy Scouts; or if you don't complete your homework, you will lose half your allowance.
Nothing seems to work. In fact, tonight as he was on his way out to his mother's house, I told him that he needed to take all his homework, and asked him about a specific assignment. He gave me the blank look, shrugged his shoulders and looked at me some more. IS THIS NORMAL? I see this as passive agressive behavior - he doesn't want to do the homework at the "fun" house, and if he leaves it here, he won't have to do it. If he looks at me long enough without responding, I will just shut up and go away.
He has admitted that he doesn't think about schoolwork unless he is sitting in class or sitting at his desk at home doing homework. Other than that, he completely tunes out of the school thing.
I am new to this - for all the years that we only had visitation, we would spend our entire weekend catching up on the homework he didn't do.
I hate that we leave him home because he hasn't finished his homework - we want him to fully participate in life, but school, self-reliance, motivation, consistency - these are all critical areas of growth for him to be a solid, independent young man.
I feel like we are at a 6 year disadvantage - that is how long she has primary custody and refused to help him develop positively.
I honestly need to know - what is normal, what are some good techniques to help him with the consistency (we gave him a tool to use in school where the teachers had to sign off about whether or not he was caught up - he leaves the forms at home or in his backpack), should I seek counseling for him (or me!?!).
I feel desperate to help him and to help the rest of my family - he takes a large amount of time and energy, and I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old who need some "Mom" time too.
Anybody?
Sounds like your pushing what you want for your son - not what he wants. Its not going to work (and its bad parenting)
Find a way to tie his interests into his school work.