Aspies For Freedom

Hopefully this won't turn into a rant, but I am truly at the end of my rope.  My husband's son came to live with us last school year.  He is now 16, and he has Asperger's.  I know a little about the syndrome, but obviously not enough because I have reached my limit.

Short version.  Husband's ex let 16 yr old live in a fantasy world of video games and television until he came to live with us at 14.  School was never a priority and homework was rarely done unless it was at our house.  D's and F's.  Custody changed two years ago after his mother decided she couldn't handle him anymore, and his counselor told her that she stinks as a parent - and that he would never graduate from HS and would live in a group home.  Now he lives with us and his little brother and sister.  

As long as I spend a couple of hours each night going over his homework, assignments and grades, he stays on task pretty well and makes decent grades.  Now A's and B's.  His test grades (our idea of his "real" grades since those are without any assistance) are in the B range.  We couldn't be happier...unless he could learn some independence.

We don't feel like we have much longer to get him ready for "life" and I think the most important thing is to make him self-sufficient.  I've tried positive reinforcement:  you will get a limited amount of video game time or TV time if you have all homework done and no missing assignments; or if your backpack is organized, you will get computer time.  

I've tried punishment:  if you don't have all of your assignments written down each day, you will not get to fully participate in ROTC or Boy Scouts; or if you don't complete your homework, you will lose half your allowance.

Nothing seems to work.  In fact, tonight as he was on his way out to his mother's house, I told him that he needed to take all his homework, and asked him about a specific assignment.  He gave me the blank look, shrugged his shoulders and looked at me some more.  IS THIS NORMAL?  I see this as passive agressive behavior - he doesn't want to do the homework at the "fun" house, and if he leaves it here, he won't have to do it.  If he looks at me long enough without responding, I will just shut up and go away.

He has admitted that he doesn't think about schoolwork unless he is sitting in class or sitting at his desk at home doing homework.  Other than that, he completely tunes out of the school thing.

I am new to this - for all the years that we only had visitation, we would spend our entire weekend catching up on the homework he didn't do.

I hate that we leave him home because he hasn't finished his homework - we want him to fully participate in life, but school, self-reliance, motivation, consistency - these are all critical areas of growth for him to be a solid, independent young man.  

I feel like we are at a 6 year disadvantage - that is how long she has primary custody and refused to help him develop positively.

I honestly need to know - what is normal, what are some good techniques to help him with the consistency (we gave him a tool to use in school where the teachers had to sign off about whether or not he was caught up - he leaves the forms at home or in his backpack), should I seek counseling for him (or me!?!).

I feel desperate to help him and to help the rest of my family - he takes a large amount of time and energy, and I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old who need some "Mom" time too.

Anybody?

Can I say to you that maybe you should consider his chronological age 16 as not his true age developmentally.  Let's say he lost 6 years without consistency and structure.  Average garden variety kids who haven't been parented well (learned bad habits) supposedly can be resilient and catch up- it takes 4 months for every year.  So 4 months x 6 equals 24 months, so treat him like a 14 year old, an din two years he will be like a 16 year old.  You have time, don't let outside forces of the world dictate to you unnatural timetables.  How mnay young adults today ( here in the US are 25-30 years old and still live at home) - one step at a time, who knows, in a couple years he may be such a joy to live with and you'll not wish to see him go so fast.  Hopefully you will do all that you are hoping to and he will want to go and be independent.  
Obviously that isn't the only issue, but I am just suggesting that you not put time frames on yourself and particularly on him that are arbitrary in nature. Goals and benchmarks are helpful, but he has to set the pace, you follow the pace and then you lead. Frankly, as I think you have intimated in your first post, the biggest trouble is 2 separate houses with two sets of rules - but setting the rules and being patient during the next 2 years and him being a teenager with all the hormones. I guess you know it will be tough,  it sounds to me like you are up to the challenge though.

As far as homework, the most challenging part of home life for us here is helping our oldest son, aspie (now 11) to finish his homewrok - he is not very motivated to do it - conversely, he MUST finish it because he expects himself to, (part of his routine) but it stresses him out. If I am not standing right there, it won't get done - unless he is very motivated.  It is so hard to figure out when it is okay to use a carrot and sstick and when he needs to try to leanr to motivate himslef. I don't have the answer.  I know though, that he is NOT avoiding his work to make me angry, so that helps me to be patient.  You may consider letting him reap the consequences of him not doing his homework -like on the nights he is at his moms.. as long as the school (does he get special services) will properly handle when he does not do his assignments - It is really their job and HIS job to motivate and follow thru.  Maybe when he doesn't he should be made to stay after - our school has an after school homework club, so he does his homework with other adult supervision and you can enjoy the time you have with him.  Maybe he is just too tired at night after a long day to do it and it is not punishment to stay after but a help, if it is set up the right way - let him be a part of the arrangement, on the days when you don't have time or are too tired the school will have you stay after - maybe he will like doing it at school, maybe he will then be motivated to do his work?  (We recently made it so that our son only has about 5 minutes per subject-to alleviate the stress on him - and on home life.) (Though 5 minutes of math tonite took over an hour as he has a math LD (dyscalculia) and 7 subjects per day does add up.

Ethel well said, your point is well taken.  

We aren't focusing on grades with our aspie son, but we think that being diligent and doing your best is important. Important skills, like following through instead of  looking for ways to get out of working.  Our son has okay grades, but he doesn't like to do his work, and he doesn't do his work well. No motivation. I don't understand how they give him the grades they are this year a's b's and a C I think.  When he is not having to do school work, he is happy and he likes to cook a little and look for groceries in the market and when not stressed does pretty well I'd say at those kinds of lifes skills. I should say relatively well - he is slower and stuff, but the difference seems to be he likes that kind of stuff.  Life though, the way it is currently set up, is about taking responsibility for yourself and your choices .... and making money somehow.  We hope our son ends up feeling self motivated even on stuff that is boring to him . I know that  I can't always take the short cuts or not do something cuz it is hard or boring.

Batman wrote: "Sorry, but a person is what he is, regardless of Asperger's/PDD or not.  I don't think "treating him like a 14 yr old" is the right advice.  By the same token, I don't think "treating him like an average 16-yr old" is the right advice either.  That is too arbitrary.  Developmental age is not a science.

Batman your explained it better than I did, the point is don't fall into the trap of having (unconscious) expectations on a person just because others his chronological age act X way or can do X things.  Developemental age is not a science nor should it be treated as such.

*** (I) Atypical wrote: (last night at 1 AM) "Can I say to you that maybe you should consider his chronological age 16 as not his true age developmentally.  You have time, don't let outside forces of the world dictate to you unnatural timetables.  How many young adults today ( here in the US are 25-30 years old (who are NT) still live at home) ?  
Obviously that isn't the only issue, but I am just suggesting that you not put time frames on yourself and particularly on him that are arbitrary in nature." ******** Batman and Lucie said it so well , it's too much pressure! (for you too)

aliengirl wrote: "Also, the fact that he needs supervision to do his homework could again suggest a difficulty and a support need rather then just that he is behaving badly.
If you do not feel you can continue to give this level of support, then you need to contact the local education authority to have an assessment done so that they can provide him with adequate support with his schoolwork."  

I agree entirely, know your limitations and what support from school is out there and like alien girl also said, you have to make sure you and the school understands his behavior is not necesarily on purpose (though your description made him sound like a pretty typical teen trying to figure out what he can get away with - he didn't sound bad to me - though now that he has two sets of rules depending on whose house he is in that really can complicate things.  That was the point of mentioning parenting - and garden variety techniques for dealing with a change in rules or status, any kid has trouble with that type of situation. I can only imagine how hard it would be for your son.  The advice given here is being absorbed by me for use with my family,  Thanks and sorry if anyone thinks I wish to assign an arbitrary number or timetable on someone, that was the opposite of my intent.
Like Lucie said about her son, for my 11 year old, he seems to me to be more like a 9 year old as far as his independence, I've no idea what to expect so I am just happy to live day by day and also like Lucie said - I give him space.  (I/we also give him and our other two kids consistency and structure and boundaries).

Lucie, your words are just great.  I think that the people in the world these days really rush through so many things, and you "need" to conform to so many things to do well in society.  I think that with parents, you need to have the acceptance that you are who you are, and you will find your way eventually.  

Atypical, I understood what you meant.  My daughter is living "young" and I have accepted it.  She is 8, and is not ready to be a "tween" yet and prefers her stuffed animals and children younger than her for playtime.  

Actually, all of you have had such wise words.  I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock to when my husband was growing up and change the way his parents treated him.  I guess he would not be the person he is, but it makes me sad to think of the horrible way they treated him.

lbgsatx you seem really overwhelmed.  Structure and routine are important in the house, but they have to be workable and built around the people expected to perform in them.  You seem to be such a caring person. I really hope that things get better soon.  I have not had a child of that age, so I cannot add too much more.  

I don't care much about my sons "social skills" he has great ability when dealing with open hearted or open minded people (adults).  The "system" as the school work gets more ridiculous and seemingly useless adds too much stress  to all kinds of kids and all kinds of families.  

Does your stepson have friends to help reduce his stress?

I think that the movie 'Mozart and the Whale' will do you much good to help you understand the life and struggles of an AS. You have already shown to him from your actions that he is not your son but your husbands, and that is as cruel - as the disorder itself.  He is good at Video Games and watching television so that says that he is an AS that learns...visually - so help him to find his talent.  This can be done by steering him towards video graphics and designs.  His mind is absorbing all that he is experiencing around him.  He learns and experiences the same things as you, except perceives it differently. You are a good woman who is reaching out for help, and I praise you for that. His mind in time will catch up eventually.  His blank look that he gives to you - is from not knowing how to respond to your questioning. I am confident that he will do well with 'gentle' speech,... rather than harsh tones. I hope that you will see the point that I am making,...love is unconditional. I am an 46 year old 'Aspies' who is going to be starting up a 'Support for Parents of Autistic Children and other forms of Autisim' website.  I hope that it will be up and running soon, and I hope that you will be able to get out of it the assistance you look for from those I call 'my family'.  I love the disorder that I was born with and I want to one day be the woman to autisim, that Helen Keller was to the Blind.  Maybe your son will be one who will want to work with me one day. Who knows?...remember...negative words are as powerful as possitive words they both bring results. With all respect,...me.

All the advice on being kind and loving and using a gentle tone - is just so true - for alot of kids are so sensitive - no matter what their exterior shows, they are sensitive souls and NEED kindness and respect - it is no wonder that as kids get older - and are spoken to by all around in faster, harsher or sarcastic tones, that they react with blank stares, or are called oppostional etc., Tone is key, love is unconditional.

Sounds like your pushing what you want for your son - not what he wants.  Its not going to work (and its bad parenting)

Find a way to tie his interests into his school work.

My son is like that - if others - out there" are not patient with his, not looking like he is even paying attention, so that is why he isn't answering right away- like at school- bored/blank/inappropriately smiling, expression he may form the habit of just using a standard response - like humor - and not answer the actual question - have a stand by response, for him wit and humor, which will seem out of place -he is not doing the humor to be fresh - with them- he just noticed that maybe once, twice, three times... - it worked.  I think a blank expression may be better than just a random "guess" or response of what he thinks you may want.  

ATM - great advice: atm wrote: "B"H

My sense is that this parent should listen to what the young man has to say.  Ask him what is important to HIM.  16 is a tough age if you feel that you are not understood.  Remember that many teenagers feel guilty because of their rebellion.  They know instinctively that rebellion is a violation of the Fifth Commandment, implanted in the heart.  Therefore, if you ask what is important in their lives, it lessens the guilt, and ultimately bridges the gap.  Rebellion can then be replaced by a form of communication that is more constructive.

Start by asking what is important in his life.  If it is video games, play them with him (without violence or sex in them...NO "Grand Theft Auto").  Talk to him.  That is the best way to relate to any kid.  You can then share what is important to you.

I'll be honest with you.  Divorce has been terrible for kids.  The deed is done in your life.  However, you can counsel your friends thinking of divorce, and convince them to work things out.  Meanwhile, LOVE this kid.  That is your responsibility.  He is yours.  Don't even think otherwise.
All the best.