Aspies For Freedom

Does he have the attitude that he'll learn what he needs to know at the time that he needs to know it?  Is he basically bright but not motivated?  What are his interests?  Can they be worked with to develop genuine skills that will help him be independent?

Maybe encouraging him to practice some "life maintenance" skills would be good--like cooking, laundry, managing money, etc.

I don't know what would help most.  What does HE say?  (That is, what might he say if you put it to him that you want to help but don't exactly know how?)  What would HE consider to be supportive?

(Sorry...I'm thinking here of how counterproductive all my Mom's efforts were to help me learn the domestic arts.  She, being a perfectionist, succeeded in turning me off altogether....I wasn't ready or interested and all her efforts did were to lower what was already fairly low self-esteem to begin with.)

Hi there, and welcome aboard.

I have little to offer, except one bit of advice that would have helped me: please try to remember that there's no real correlation between school grades and life skills.  I did quite well at things academic, so it was just assumed that I would pick up neccessary skills like how to do an organised grocery shop and keep my place clean through whatever process of osmosis 'normal' kids learn these things.  I didn't.

Sorry, but a person is what he is, regardless of Asperger's/PDD or not.  I don't think "treating him like a 14 yr old" is the right advice.  By the same token, I don't think "treating him like an average 16-yr old" is the right advice either.  That is too arbitrary.  Developmental age is not a science.

I'd say the best route is to find his interests and find a way for him to develop skills in those areas.

Many employed people on AFF have a job that revolves around their interests.  It is better than having a low-paying job that has nothing to do with your interests, let me tell you that much (from my experience anyway.)

And, forget what this person said about "developmental age."  That is offensive to people who actually have Asperger's, like me.

I'd like to say that I did fairly well at school--"B" average--until I turned 16.  I was also fairly preoccupied with the video games/television world--I'm a more "creative" Aspie, disabled in Math and not interested nor good at academics--but I don't think that was the reason I started to really slide in 10th grade (I was 16 then.)

It was the new demands on abstract thinking (the "think for yourself" kinda thing) and multitasking and also group work that really began overbearing.  Not to mention, there was more pressure on students then, with each passing grade.  I hit my breaking point in 11th grade, where I was pulled out of mainstream and placed into an "emotional support" program.

I could go on, but I'll just try and give my opinion on a few things here:

-Video games and television do not ruin someone with AS--in some cases electronic media could be a "special interest," depending on what kind of person the Aspergian is.  Someone good at school might be drawn more to books, for example.  Someone artistically inclined might enjoy visual stimuli better.  In addition to this, I know it was also a bit of "instead of socializing" kinda thing--socializing was painful at that age, and I enjoyed time by myself better.

-Bad parenting does not "turn back the clock" for an AS person, anymore than it does for an NT person.

-Do not use much force on an AS kid.  There have been times where such things were tried for me, and I made life a living hell for those who imposed it on me.  But also, the forced change of routine--not having my own control anymore--caused anxiety and depression.

This is not to say the AS kid should be allowed to do whatever he wants; but it is to say that some AS personalities may not take well to force, I knew I was like that.  Just try to keep an open mind.

My advice may not be worth much - but - I would say - back off and leave him alone.
Show him love and care - but if he doesn't want to do his homework - that's his responsibility - not yours.
He will be younger than his chronological years. My son is about 6 years behind in his ability to maintain himself.
Life will be a big enough struggle for him - with changing his living environment and growing through adolescence with aspergers.
Let him have a lot of time to blob out from the world and to do just what he wants to do. Let him find some peace. Don't make him conform to what everyone else expects him to be. Let him find his own way - but always be there in the background to love and support him on a day to day basis.
Eventually this child will find his own way to cope and live in the world.
Don't pressure him.

If you apply pressure - I believe he will retreat further away from you in an effort to find peace.

ohh - one other thing - this child requires acceptance for being just the way he is.

Regarding teaching him life skills and putting a time limit on this - obviously I haven't met this person but you need to accept the possibility that there might be certain life skills that your step son is not able to acquire or will not be able to acquire for some time.

I am 27, a graduate and I just about managed to work part time. I also have a social worker, a support worker and and Occupational Therapist and currently live with an elderly relative while I wait for appropriate supported housing to be found.

The point I'm trying to make is that some people, even though they may be intelligent in some areas, are not able to develop certain skills. Just because someone can to x it doesn't mean they should be just as good at y and that if they are not it is their fault for not trying.

If your stepson really struggles with life skills, then support needs to be put in place and also supported housing is an option. Also what is the rush? Are you planning to kick him out at 18? It is not fair to put all the pressure on him to do things that he may well have an above average level of difficulty with.

Regarding the homework, I agree with what Batman55 said about using his interests. For example the video games interest could lead him to look at pursuing a career in games design.

Also, the fact that he needs supervision to do his homework could again suggest a difficulty and a support need rather then just that he is behaving badly.

If you do not feel you can continue to give this level of support, then you need to contact the local education authority to have an assessment done so that they can provide him with adequate support with his schoolwork.

Please don't assume that his behaviour is just him being bad or unco-operative. One of the unfortunate problems with AS is that some traits can manifest in ways that resemble that of a misbehaving NT.
Well, he is not NT, so please don't judge his behaviour in the same way. It could just be that he is having a lot of difficulties and has support needs.

I couldn't have said it better myself.  I agree with most everything here.

The talk of developmental age still bugs me a little bit, I don't know why, I just get perturbed by it.

I wish people would instead say "social skills and independent living skills are problem areas for my kid, at the moment" something like that.

I would point out that, though, for many with AS--you just have to wait a while--social skills could "invert" themselves and become, oddly enough, a bit of a strength.   There seems to be an ease and a willingness for AS kids to communicate with adults more than their same-age counterparts--I remember being like this myself--and AS kids also tend to skip that peer-pressure stage.

B"H

My sense is that this parent should listen to what the young man has to say.  Ask him what is important to HIM.  16 is a tough age if you feel that you are not understood.  Remember that many teenagers feel guilty because of their rebellion.  They know instinctively that rebellion is a violation of the Fifth Commandment, implanted in the heart.  Therefore, if you ask what is important in their lives, it lessens the guilt, and ultimately bridges the gap.  Rebellion can then be replaced by a form of communication that is more constructive.

Start by asking what is important in his life.  If it is video games, play them with him (without violence or sex in them...NO "Grand Theft Auto").  Talk to him.  That is the best way to relate to any kid.  You can then share what is important to you.

I'll be honest with you.  Divorce has been terrible for kids.  The deed is done in your life.  However, you can counsel your friends thinking of divorce, and convince them to work things out.  Meanwhile, LOVE this kid.  That is your responsibility.  He is yours.  Don't even think otherwise.
All the best.

Yeah, I second that entirely. I had to leave home at 18 for further education and had the emotional age and self help skills of a 5 to 6 year old at that stage.

This is despite the fact I got mostly A's and B's in my schoolwork and had an IQ in the superior range. Even when mum told me how to do things such as make phone calls, I would continually forget how to do it.

She also assumed that the place I stayed would have staff who would look after their charges more than they actually did and that they would not encourage others to bully the socially inept such as me. I was totally ridiculed for not knowing how to use a phone, book myself onto a train or bus, register to vote, and so on.

I don't think it is fair to expect an aspie young person to be ready to leave home at 18 and live on their own. Some might manage boarding with another person but it's necessary to ensure that person is reputable since aspies are often easily led.

It's no disgrace to go into a group home if that level of support is required.

I found out the reason I kept forgetting how to do tasks was a combination of performance anxiety (most aspies are anxious just about all the time) and short term memory retrieval issues.

In a nutshell, don't force..let this lad go at his own pace. I also think it is a bad bad idea to stop him from going to Scouts and ROTC as these activities will help him gain more independence. Going regularly is important since aspies hate having their routine disrupted and it causes more than a little distress.

It sounds like overall you're being very helpful towards your stepson.
However the 'blank look' is not intended as an attack. It is not infact a blank look, he is still thinking and feeling, he just isn't using any facial expressions.

He is also probably waiting for you to give him a clue as to what to/how to say.

When i'm in that situation I am usually panicking and quickly trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do. Because I know the other person is about to get angry at me. But in that situation I can't think of the right thing to say.

It usually takes me a few hours to figure out the right response, however in more tricky situations it has liturally taken me years to figure out how to say what i'm thinking (I have a very long memory)

Remember he is not nt, he will find it very hard to say meaningless words to reassure you. Just like how I can't think of any meaningless words to sound nicer in the previous sentance.

The reason he doesn't take his homework to his mother's house could be because he is only used to doing homework at your house, therefore it would be too much of a change to do it in a different situation.

Even now, I give blank looks to people if I feel overloaded. Whether or not it appears as if I don't care - the truth is, I can't get the right words out. It's possible or even likely this young lad is experiencing similar issues in knowing what to say. He is probably worried about saying the "right" thing so that he won't get into trouble and this is making him nervous.

The OP seems to be long gone, but I just read the thread for the first time.  It brought to mind a Haiku I wrote in April:

don't compare the child
to standards or averages
there is beauty here