Aspies For Freedom

I am transcribing a poem written by me towards midnight on 2-20-08.  I am, of course, an amateur who is unfamiliar with the formal laws of poetry.  Thus, what you read is purely and simply what was written.  Please do not read in to this any undue political or religious messages.  It is an attempt at poetry.  Please enjoy:

Algae on the blue water,
      a green blanket that strikes the blue,
        like a strike force of militants overtaking
a stayed old building,
     green overtaking blue like revolution,
   all for the sake of a new society,
       in which frogs may walk comfortably,
     such is what some men call "evolution,"
        science poured on top of religion like
     algae on water,
           while others call it "revolution,"
        with the temerity to believe that
     the comfort of the frog actually means
     something,
           as though comradeship matters
      more than adaptability,
              for what is adaptability than what
     truly fits in to the All?
            For you see my scientist friends,
      the Algae is a sky in its own right,
      meeting the blue sky at Infinity.

Well, not bad; I think some of the phraseology could use work.  Um, dang this is hard to articulate, there's something wrong with the third line.  Parts of it are the word 'militant' and the phrase 'strike force' which seem more at home in a newscast than in a poem; normally in poetry one looks for fresh ways to make one's self understood.  I like the repetition of 'strike,' though.  Uh, the contrast of the similar words 'revolution' and 'evolution' is good, but you used the word 'revolution' yourself earlier, which makes the phrase 'others call it revolution' seem almost hypocritical.  Later in the poem, you used the word, 'adaptability' which is honestly an ungraceful six syllable monster that makes a full line of iabic trimeter all on it's own; doesn't fit well with free verse; maybe look for a word less solidly associated with evolution; also cam'radarie might be preferable to comradeship if you don't object to striking out the occasional schwa, it's a nicer sounding word.  In the third from last line (penpenultimate line?) seems almost condescending; might be better reworded so the reader doesn't feel like the target there.

Sorry if I'm picking at this a bit, I'm just trying to help.  Not sure if any of that makes sense, though; it's hard to describe this sort of stuff; it's really just a feeling...  I did like your poem.

I am trying to read into a message in your poem. Don't know if I can.
Is it good the algae is on the blue water? ro would you prefer the water to stay blue in it's own right.

I see you told us not to read into your poem - but there must be a message there.

It's an interesting poem and the last paragraph when you cite your scientist friends is sort of refreshing. I get engaged as a reader. The word "algae" is fascinating.

By "transcribing"; do you mean that you're translating from another language?

ATM:  Sorry.  I meant "typing," not "transcribing." Thank you for the kind words.

All the best.