Aspies For Freedom

Hi. I'm RavenFeather and I'm a newbie here. This is going to be really long so please be patient . . .

I don't really know what kind of psychological disorders I have all together, or if I even have Asperger's. I have been diagnosed with depression and I have anxiety in social stituations. I also have had problems concentrating all my life which would correspond to ADHD. I've always loved drawing and writing stories and have a natural talent for them. I was bullied A LOT in school and have always had trouble with math. That's one of the things that confuses me though . . . If I'm not good at math, numbers, or telling time . . . can I still possibly be an Aspie?

Another thing is that I don't 'rock back and forth' when I'm under stress . . . Do all Aspies have to have that trait? I mena, I do some equally weird things when I'm nervous though . . . like pet my head (like you pet a cat) when I don't like being in the car (usually when someone appears to be driving too fast -- for me) and when I'm nervous I tend to accent everything I say with a nervous laugh or twist my neck around (though I also have neck and back problems that irritate me, but even more when I'm stressed). I don't know if those behaviors count as 'autistic' in nature or not.

On that one online Aspie Quiz, my Aspie score is was 157 out of 200, and my Neurotypical score was 57 out of 200.

I've never dated or been involved in any romantic relationships, and I don't really plan to get involved in any in the future. I've only had just regular friends (generally with other odd or unusual people --  the 'misfits' or 'nerds' of the school).

I hate kisses, but sometimes hugs are okay (though incredibly rare in my lifetime). And I am very sensitive to all stimuli -- light and glare, humidity and air pressure, odors, sounds, touch, motion, etc.

I try to meet new people, but now as an adult, I'm really afraid of what people will think of my personality -- because of how people have bullied me in the past (and sometimes they still do, even though I'm in college). I'm afraid my friends will leave me because I talk a lot about what I'm interested in and I don't want them to get bored with it and then decide to leave me. I don't know how else to socialize. I can listen sometimes and my friends say I'm honest and understanding and intelligent and seem to like my advice or answers when they ask. Some people have told me I'm smart but often I don't feel very smart. It's hard to have confidence in myself and sometimes I think I'm worthless. Lately, it seems as if my memory is getting bad and I'm finding it hard to get motivated to do anything. I wish I could regain the passion I once had for studying and working on my artwork and writing . . . but now I tend to waste a lot of my time on the Internet, not knowing sometimes why I'm even online.

I get really scared of people and life is making me depressed. I'm also getting distracted from my schoolwork because of my obsessive fears of not being able to survive out in the 'real world' outside my mind, my school, and my small pool of friends (that I rarely get to see).

What am I? Who am I? Am I really an Aspie or do I have something else?

I'm really afraid. I don't know the answer. If I'm not an Aspie and no one can find out what causes my brain and my behavior to be so weird, I think it will be even worse than being diagnosed with Asperger's because I want to know the answers. I want to know why I am the way I am and why people usually ingore me as if I'm invisible or target me for ridicule and angry chastizement.

Though I realise you've already been screamed at in rainbows to this effect, welcome.

That description sounded overwhelmingly Aspie to me; the 'rocking' thing is one of a number of 'stims' autistics tend to do, messing with hair is another of them.  Likewise, oversensitivity is pretty Aspie, anxiety seems common as well though probably not directly related to Aspergers.  Math and number skills are not actually that common.

I suggest you go post some writing and artwork on our creative board because I'm honestly getting a bit lonely over there.

Welcome Welcome!!

Many, many years ago when we knew our son was autistic but seemed more aspergian - back when classifying his set of symptoms was something I was working on- (hmm, autistism, fragile X, auditory processing, sensory,) I summarily dismissed aspergers because he was so poor at math - and the (2) aspie kids I had met were brilliant at math and school work was easy for "them".  Other than the math and that our son was so funny/witty, he was so very aspie.  Well the official definition has been changing in the last few years, so like Tigger said - forget the math stereotpye.  For that matter forget all stereotpyes.  
AP - If I knew how to post artwork I would....

Posting artwork entails A: owning a scanner, and B: using an image hosting site like PhotoBucket or an art site like deviantArt.

Also, I think wittiness is an aspie trait.[/size]

AP - well the "official books" said that "they" didn't "get" humor, or idioms etc.,

Welcome.  

We are all a bit weird.  

Hopefully you will find some comfort here.  I found it, just in understanding more about my family (husband is Aspie, daughter may be on the spectrum somewhere.)

What? I love puns and irony! That's my sense of humor, mainly. And I find other things funny that a lot of people don't get, I think. Like the way someone's face expression suddenly appears, or the way an animal does some little movement. Does that make sense?

Thanks for the welcome everyone.

But there's one thing I must ask about the forums . . . Why is there no way to edit posts?

I've never seen a forum that has such rules in it. I guess I better be careful what I post and I probably will not post very often because of this. Which is rather sad, but I like being able to correct my mistakes.

Or use the preview button routinely before posting reply!

Although I'm only 26, I learned from experience that it is possible to keep steady and very close friendships when your friends are patient enough to accept your flaws and they are willing to be explicit when you miss their social cues. Usually these people are somewhat "excentric" themselves, as "normal" people are not naturally inclined to be so patient and explicit. You'll have to go through many disappointments to find these people, though.

Two of my three ex-girlfriends were in IT and most of the people I ever called my friends are or were in IT or engineering...  In fact, my current girlfriend is considering becoming a webdesigner... under my influence, though

So yes, I fully agree. IT people and engineers are the most likely people to get along with Aspies. Their talent of algorythmic or mathelatical serial processing helps them better understand the way they think. Some even say that Aspies -> IT like fish -> water.

I don't think the other Aspies really mind

Even as a non-aspie - supposed NT - if you have high standards for what you constitute as friendship, it is going to be far and few between when you find one. a real friend.  My parents told me very young that having, besides your family, even one or 2 REAL friends (not aquaintances/classmates or people you are generally comfortable and friendly with) even one real friend is a blessing. (particularly when you are younger and don't control where you put yourself). Well, I found my husband/best friend rather young, so before that I had 3 friends - (from 3 differnt parts of my life) they live all over the country now but they are great friends... loyal, honest, patient, forgiving, timeless.  Besides my neighbors who are lovely, I still have 2 close friends - that may not sound like alot, but it works for me.  

I happen to have what others would describe as "quirky" friends, I love people who are themselves and are REAL.  For example, one of my 2 closest friends used to be a girl and now is a man.  I am catholic, but she/he knew I am the accepting kind of catholic. The word eccentricity to me equals interesting.

The more "normal" people are, the more boring they tend to be.

You're missing the point. The point was that people in IT or engineering tend to be more "excentric" and therefore are more likely to get along with AS people than people in eg. law, psychology or food processing. My two best friends are an IT consultant and a civil engineer. Neither of them has AS, but they are just more open to AS people.