Aspies For Freedom

Hi, Joel Manion there and I need some advices.

I’m currently in sixth form, in year 12 but I might not stop on if my grades isn‘t good at the end. I’m known in my school for  being different due to Aspergers and  I was a target of the school’s most notorious bullies, therefore I didn’t have any friends back then. But as most of the bullies left school after GCSEs and the rest left me alone, I thought sixth form is my chance to create proper friendships with people I like and want to be associated with and not enduring the company of people who tormented me, especially back in my old class. I’m doing well in the subjects I’m taking, which are humanity based, I’m getting along very well with tutor group and classmates, especially in Government and Politics. Am also have a few close friends, but I wouldn’t class them as my best friends and they don’t go out much.

But I’m having problems as I’m being isolated by a lot of people. I’m currently associated with a collective group of Emos, Goths, etc. I hang around with them due to I class myself as one of them, due to sharing the same taste in music, fashion, entertainment, etc. I’m currently acquaintance to a few of them but most of them doesn’t want me to be associated with them. The few people who could be manipulating the group to exclude me; this includes a lad who pretends who thinks of me as less due to my condition, a girl I fancied a long time ago and a girl I fancied recently who became hostile towards me and has a boyfriend who doesn’t like me. They shun me from conversations and don’t invite me to social gatherings, parties and  outings. They even invite my  friends I’m currently closed with. Last week I got sick of it and argue a couple who causing my isolation, one on msn and one towards the girl I fancied recently on myspace. I sent an apology to that girl but I part of me saying ‘Why the *** are you sending her an apology if she doesn’t want you to exist.’ Currently I’m still being isolated from proper friendships of the group I’m associated with.

You properly advise me to dump them, but there are reason why I shouldn’t . the main reason that these people are electoral, open-minded liberals who I share the same interests with. Also most of them are generally nice people who like me and accept me as a peer amongst them, unlike from other groups who didn’t accept me due to my Aspergers. But right now, they go out with each other, socialise and having a good time with each other, while I sit in my house with my family either watching TV, on the internet or reading comics and books. It’s either that some people in the group are stopping me from socialising with them or pressures from other groups of peers, mainly Chavs, pressuring them not to accept me, as they don’t like the idea of me having lots of friends. They still class me as a friend but they treat me less, they even try to avoid having conversations with me.

As I’m getting sick of it I come down to two conclusion; either I dump them and not make friends until I finish my education, even if it takes around two years, or  I could try make more effort and try ways into them accepting me as an equal amongst them. I need advices and help because if I knew what I have to do I wouldn’t start this thread.

Advices and opinions would be appreciated by me and other Aspies who are facing similar  problems.

I don't seek friends in my environment.

I have difficulty understanding why they and/or you have problems with one another.

Isolating and excluding people is a form of bullying.  Joel, I feel for you, I was in the same situation at your age.  I also understand your desire to go out instead of sitting at home watching TV.  There is no easy answer, personally I wouldn't bother with people like that, the more you try to get them to accept you the more they will most likely exclude you.

Can you stop caring about having freinds, be yourself, and be the best you can be?

Thats what i am currently aiming for.
People arn't gonna accept me for who i am, and yesterday i found some poeple i hang about most frequently calling me a ***.  Strange thing that, considering i just whipped their buts at german in the previous class.
So, i am going to see who will be freinds with me by being me.

If they have not accepted you as you are, you must be asking for advice on how to pretend to be someone else in order to gain their acceptance. Is that how you really want to be?

Do your own thing with confidence. If they accept you, great; if they don't, oh well. I know that's especially hard for a young person to do. I'm in my 40s and it's hard still, but that's the only way to be. The idea of simply being tolerated would grate on me after a while, and if you have to be someone else to have friends, are they really friends?

exactly, well said. (my english skills are lacking.)

You post contradicts itself in a sad way:

They're your friends but don't accept you.
"a lad who pretends who thinks of me as less due to my condition" - lose the "pretends" in there. He probably really does think less of you. As for being open-minded liberals, they aren't open-minded if they shun you like this.

Sadly your experience is one that's all too familiar for many aspies in your situation, I know I was in much the same position throughout high school and had a combination of outright bullying and merely being shunned like you describe. My advice is to not view these people as friends, just "people who are there", don't bother working on being accepted either - the only ones it's worth being accepted by are those who do so without requiring you to change or to put on an act.

F*** them. (not literally)

Ok that sounds a little imature... of coures it is natural to want to be liked (isn't that one reason this forum exists?) But, if after 2 or so years, this attidude isn't making anybody like you... change it.  go find some people that suit you better.

I don't know that it is a matter of the nicer people preferring to hang with other people -- I think they probably like you and want to be your friend, but hanging with you is too risky.
The manipulators are bullies. They are leader type personalities who use their ability to lead in a bad way, they set out to define the pecking order and then they use their leadership skills to maintain control of the group.
It must be awfully hurtful. I don't see that you can fight it - and in fighting it you are playing their game. All you can do is back off. You have to back away from peer pressure and find a way to be happy with the way you are - you have to learn to cope as an individual.

I know it is much nicer to be accepted as part of the group - but when you have nasty group dynamics like the ones you talk about in your original post, you have to back away.
What are your hobbies? Can you look at joining a group that is set up for people with your special interests.

I meant to say "hanging around with you" -

Joel, have you tried talking to them about it? If you try to get this problem out in the open then it might get solved. I know this may not be easy for you, or it may not be at all practical, but it could work, so if you think you could give it a go, try.

oh man, I am sorry you have to go through this.  Kids in general can be so mean and nasty.  Are there clubs in your school or town where you can explore your own interests?  I know there are after school activities here in the states ...and band or chorus..or things that are musical...  some of my young Aspie friends go to dungeons and dragons clubs...  they often get together with each other too.  They talk about their interests and seem to have a real good time together.  What about any other groups at school?  Maybe some kind of humanities type class since you are interested?  You may find that you are much too honest to put up with the nonsense you are dealing with.  Maybe a community center with some extra activities where you could go?  If I knew you better, I would offer more ideas...  When I am upset, I find my peace in being outside...usually by the ocean.  It is not you. A true friend loves you just the way you are.

I had given up on friends by the end of high school, unless they were part of the classroom context.  They never existed after hours.  I could have fallen over with the brush of a feather if one (other than a friend of my brothers and mine, Raymond) or several actually included me in their parties, or I dated a girl who could drive.  That didn't happen to me.  No sir.

Sort of like if I was chased by several women at once today and solicited for sex in no uncertain terms.  That does not happen to me.   No sir no madam.

That was part of the reason why my friend (still a friend even after everything) decided to evangelize to me, thought it was unacceptable that I had no proper concept of friendship even three semesters into college, or perhaps that no one else had done anything for two semesters already.  So this woman starts sending me letters and I don't know her face.  Well, I know her face all right in the fall semester, I do learn how to build friendships of my own.

My mistake is overreacting romantically.  Probably wishful thinking.   Certainly unrequited, unilateral.  

But 16 or 17 years later she does emphatically add that I deserve to be married.  (Having been a Christian 13 or 14 of those years)

But how do you know when you open someone's awareness how aware they are going to get or how they are going to try to handle it?
Maybe a guy should have tried that instead...... just a thought.

Are they just using you for ideas or help with their coursework?  

Maybe talk to some of the nicer ones and explain how you feel they are treating you unfairly.