I hate it when most people come to the door. I always feel violated and resentful,and consider it an invasion.I hate having to interrupt my reading in order to engage in extremely boring conversation with friends of my mother.
Thanks, pinktiehouse, for reviving this thread. I hadn’t seen it before, and was glad to read all the responses. I get really tired of everyone around me trying to make me feel like some kind of freak because I don’t want visitors, and refuse to answer my door unless I know someone is coming over.
Korrigan, I can relate to what you were saying about how your husband wants to go places, or have visitors, but then has issues with it right beforehand. I am the same way, and as hard as it is for the “other” person to understand, it’s just as difficult when you are the one having the issues. It’s like there is some weird obstacle we have to cross going from what we would like to do, to the actual realization of having to follow through.
I am highly agitated right before I have to go somewhere (regardless of how much I want to go), but seem to do fine once I am there. Visitors to my “sanctuary” are agitating until they leave, regardless of how well they are behaving, or how much I like them. I did much better with these issues when I was taking Luvox, and have considered going back on it just to make dealing with everything less stressful.
The irony for me is that my Autistic son is the one who most tries to make me feel like I am some kind of freak, but that is because he hasn’t had to deal with these issues as “his” issues rather than mine. He routinely needs time away from people, but since his friends can’t come over constantly, he’s rarely in a place where he needs to tell them he is too “busy” to hang out. It will be interesting to see what happens when he’s on his own and his entourage of groupies (believe me, it is as weird as it sounds) are bugging him day and night to hang out. Something tells me that as much as he needs time away from people now, he will respond a lot more like I do than he thinks he will.
Ok, so is it just my life here, or does this sound familiar to anyone else?
We have many friends, but due to our habit of moving around, many live far away. When they are "out of sight and out of mind" for my husband they become acquaintances, not friends. They remain my friends, however.
We will not travel to see them. My husband cannot fathom why we would, as they are now not friends, but acquaintances.
He cannot, also, fathom why they would come to see us. But they do! They come 2-3 hours (each way) and they want to spend time with us and our family.
The stress this causes is ENORMOUS! The whole routine of life is interrupted. They "invade our home." They "require entertainment."
Our home is being invaded by my best friend and her husband this weekend. The stress, for my husband, started last night. He is miserable. And yet he ok's the visits, I think to please me. I ask him how short they should be, and he gives me a time frame, but now that the time has come, the amount of time for the visit is too long. When I said, "You told me this amount of time was ok" he says "Remind me of this conversation next time."
I do have an agreement with all of our friends that they leave early Sunday morning and that gives us the entire day on Sunday to relax and get back to "normal" before the week begins. We also have what we call an "in-law" apartment on the bottom floor of our house where they can stay. That is part of why we rented this house, so that when we have guests, there is enough room for everyone to breathe.
Does this happen to anyone else? Does a friend visiting your home cause such stress and issues? How do you deal with it?
It only causes me stress if I am not warned about it ahead of time. If I am told about someone visiting, I can prepare mentally for the visit. With mental preparation, a visit can actually be quite pleasant. If I am not told about it ahead of time and the visit is sprung on me as a surprise, then I get nervous and stressed because my routine has been interrupted without advance notice and because of extra attention on me. Then a visit that is meant to be pleasant is just an ordeal for me, which really sucks. I suppose that's one reason why I enjoy visits from my grandparents most because we e-mail each other regularly and I often get plenty of advance notice from them, so there is absolutely no way that it can be a surprise. It pisses off my mom, but it makes their visits more enjoyable for me.
I see what you mean about coming to a compromise about the visits. If you feel like you want to see your friends more, I would recommend hanging out somewhere else while your husband does something else. This way, you can have the social interaction you need while your husband is less stressed.
Awwww.... have you told your husband and daughter that? I can see what you mean about the mixed messages. That can be pretty darn confusing.
We are getting to a better place with that. I think now that I am more aware of the issues, I can be more proactive in watching the situations. He is more aware too, and that makes us a better team.
Korrigan, your husband is very lucky to have you!
I was lucky enough once to have someone in my life who totally accepted me as I was, and even appreciated my "eccentricities". Unfortunately his family didn't want me anywhere near him, and went out of their way to make it an issue at every opportunity. He wasn't one of those who could stand up to his family, and I got tired of watching him suffer in the middle, so I ended the relationship. I went through many relationships to find someone like him, and was glad to have had that experience, even if we couldn't work it out.
Seriously, I am the worst. My best friend of 15 years has never been inside my house. If he drops by, I'll step outside and talk to him on the porch.
Again, I am so glad to hear I am not the only one who does this. My best friend of 20 years has only been in my house three times, and all three were very specific occasions. She lived an hour away, and drove here a few times to deliver things that I met her outside for, but she knew beforehand she wouldn't be invited in when she showed up. We used to do things together when we lived in the same town, and I was medicated enough to handle it.
At least you will visit people elsewhere. I am reluctant to even do that. I am fortunate that the friends I do have value me enough that they will settle for talking to me on the phone, or through email. My best friend was thinking of moving about a year ago, so I was the one who convinced her to actually go. She's over 1,000 miles away now, but at least she has the opportunity to make some friends who will actually do things with her. Nothing has changed between us . . . she calls me nearly every day with her unlimited minutes.
Some people I know okay
But my house is my sanctuary
I'm so glad I'm not the only one with this problem. I'm NT (apparently), my little girl is the aspie. However when I was a kid my parents didn't like having visitors (my Dad was odd in many ways). My 2 siblings and I both now hate having visitors especially strangers.
We all have what is practically an OCD about collecting stuff (especially books), and have bookcases in every space and towers of books everywhere. My parents were antique dealers, so they had an excuse for the "collecting"....we just do it compulsively.
I dont mind having kids and teens to visit (loads in our family), and I've got 1 or 2 friends who I'm comfortable with. But I get panic attacks at the thought of having other people drop by. If I cant avoid it, I spend hours frantically trying to tidy up.
The worst thing is that my elder brother and sister seem to think I'm the tidiest and most socially adept member of the family (hollow laugh), so if they are expecting "unavoidable visitors" they often sneakily arrange to meet them at my house instead. It's pure torture.
One funny thing however. My sister recently refused to respond to phonecalls and the doorbell for a week. Somebody (a neighbour I think) phoned the police. They broke down the door and rushed into her house......to find her lying on the sofa in her nightie watching a soap. She said she nearly died of shame
I'm the opposite. I love it when people come and visit me. When I was in my teens going through puberty I did feel like my house was being invaded, but now it's different. I can go years without seeing someone and still want to talk to them, still consider them as friends, and talk to them like we just saw each other yesterday. . I find NT's are more difficult with that. When you don't communicate with them for a long time you are no longer friends. They forget about you real quick
I like having people I know over but not the opposite
oh yeah, when people i don't know are over i tend to hide in my room
I sort of like people coming over but prefer some warning so I can tidy up a bit as I'm embarrassed about how untidy the place is sometimes. Then again, if they are true friends, they wouldn't fret about the clutter. Now, if I could just convince myself of the same, it would be wonderful.
Anytime I clean up my room my mom would ask me who's coming over. 
now I try to keep my room clean but it feels like a full time job!
I don't like having people over or visiting others at their house. Going on vacation is something I have to really prepare for, as it is so out of my usual routine of not being around people socially.
I have no problem talking to a few close friends on the phone and can do so for hours but going to their house to visit is horrible for me. I just don't feel like I can be myself when other people are around (besides my children) and always feel like I'm pretending to be someone else because I "should be" acting a certain way.