Aspies For Freedom

This is a little story I'd like to share; perhaps some of you have experienced something similar.


Last summer, I worked at Port Royal, which is a Canadian National Historic Site, near Annapolis Royal, Nova Scotia. At first, the job was a little daunting (talking to people, all the time!), but I soon found it easy to cope with (after all, basically all I had to do was smile at everyone, and tell them all about the site; and if there's one thing I like, it's knowing more about a particular subject than everyone else). The experience was very educational for me, as I learned some of the finer points of small talk and why it is important, and also how to smile at people, even when I didn't much feel like it.


While working there, I boarded with an older lady, about 60 years of age; she was nice, and rather soft-spoken. We didn't talk much, but she always would greet me with a smile when I'd pass in the house. I spent most of my time in my room, or in a little sitting room overlooking the garden in the back yard, reading or writing quietly. Some of my co-workers introduced me to their friends at a local campground, so I at least had some venue for social interaction. Things were going fine... or so I thought.


One day, as it seemed, out of the blue, my landlady informed me that she wanted me to move out by that Friday. I was shocked; I didn't know what I had done wrong. Apparently, she was extremely put off by my behaviour, saying things like, "You rarely stop to talk, or you always spend your time alone", or that she felt as though she "had to walk on eggshells around me", or "you just seem to have no desire to even be polite with me... I've never met anyone like you."

I was terribly hurt; I thought I had been doing so well that summer. Every day I was learning more and more about socializing, in an environment which was both intellectually stimulating and entertaining, and I hadn't even noticed problems where I was living! I was embarrassed, and worried; as I wasn't sure where I'd find another place to live on such short notice.

That's when I "came out"; I told her I had a neurological disorder (I avoided using the term Asperger's Syndrome, or Autistic Spectrum, as I felt that bringing the words into the picture might complicate things), that I had trouble socializing, and that I honestly hadn't noticed I'd been alienating her, or making her feel bad. After all, she would always smile at me! That's the thing, every time she passed, she smiled! That was what puzzled me the most.

I told her that I didn't mean any malice toward her, that I did enjoy her company, and I thought she was a wonderful person (which was true). Afterwards, perhaps she felt guilty, or perhaps she understood my position, I'm not sure; but for whatever reason, she tore up the eviction notice, and gave me a hug (which wasn't exactly what I needed, as ironically enough, I would've preferred it if I'd been able to escape up to my reading room to be alone in thought for a while), which I accepted. After that, I made a point to remember to engage her in conversation when I passed, and she would give me more time alone when I needed it. We patched things up, and I'm staying with her again this summer when I go back to Port Royal to work again.




Has this sort of thing ever happened to anyone else? Where you've almost lost a home because of social niceties?

I still don't know why she smiled all the time... why would people send cues that things are going fine when they obviously aren't?

"One day, as it seemed, out of the blue, my landlady informed me that she wanted me to move out by that Friday. I was shocked; I didn't know what I had done wrong. Apparently, she was extremely put off by my behaviour, saying things like, "You rarely stop to talk, or you always spend your time alone", or that she felt as though she "had to walk on eggshells around me", or "you just seem to have no desire to even be polite with me... I've never met anyone like you."

I have lost places to live from exactly that type of thing, sharing accomodation...*shudder* it did not suit me at all.

For some reason they seem to take it as personally offensive, I would think it much worse to think that someone was putting on an act and pretending to be interested in engaging in a conversation.

See, I don't mind sharing a place with roommates; after all, most of my roommates (though NT) spend a lot of time on their computers. When we do interact, it's usually while safely watching TV. Also, my roommates tend to have a thick skin, and aren't easily offended (which is a Godsend).


But spending any amount of time with someone who doesn't have much in common with you... it can chafe.



My therapist gave me some unique insight on small talk, and why it's important: most people feel the need to establish a sense of self through their relationships with others. Part of this, is the establishing of a narrative of their life. They write this life story by telling it to others. Whereas (and I'm guessing here) many Aspies can find a sense of self in the quirks of our own mind, people who are more socially centred cannot do this. They need small talk to validate their existence. So even if it is putting on an act, on some level, most NT's appreciate it.


Go figure... boy, it's refreshing to meet some people who don't need small talk all the time.

Wow we went over there this past summer and all and live about 35-40 minute drive up from there.

Don't recognize the face off hand sorry, but we were over there last summer, we took my sons there, of course youngest was about 14-15 months and got the bright idea that he could get down off the steps to the slate walk inside of Port Royal and ended up hitting his head. Gave him a nice little scar. Yeah Digby is definitely a fishing town, fishing and tourism.

Happy said "My therapist gave me some unique insight on small talk, and why it's important: most people feel the need to establish a sense of self through their relationships with others. Part of this, is the establishing of a narrative of their life. They write this life story by telling it to others. Whereas (and I'm guessing here) many Aspies can find a sense of self in the quirks of our own mind, people who are more socially centred cannot do this. They need small talk to validate their existence. So even if it is putting on an act, on some level, most NT's appreciate it."

I will have to think about that and see if it can be of any practical use, thanks.

Well I'm not looking to make any friendships, but it might be useful for emergencies.

How does one get invited to parties? That question has bugged me since high school. I was invited (as in the traditional way, via a card) to plenty of children's parties during primary school, but by the age of 12 to 13 the invitations had all dried up. At the time I assumed it was because we were too old for pass-the-parcel and the like. It wasn't until over a year later that I became aware that there was a new party scene going on, one in which I played no part. Especially on Mondays I'd hear the other girls talking about what they did at the weekend, and it always featured a party somewhere. Trying to find out (in the politest possible way) how I might be involved only brought the cryptic response: "You don't get invited to parties, you just go!" But how could I "just go" if I had no idea when and where the parties were?

It sounds like they were teasing you or even lying/exaggerating to a certain extent.
I can't see how 12 year olds were having parties every weekend, even at 15 it would be unusual.

When I was younger I wasn't really invited to parties, in fact, whilst having to house share the other occupants arranged a party and I wasn't even invited to the party in our own house, and wasn't welcome to attend.....

These were more like 13- or 14-year-olds.
My brother apparently went to parties every weekend and still managed to leave school with 10 GCSEs and 3 As at A-level. Jammy sod!

One of the popular girls in 8th grade had a big party at the end of the school year.  She didn't invite me, but she asked me to design the invitations for her because I could draw.  I thought that was pretty rude, but I was probably much happier doing other things than going to such an event, anyway.

Maybe I wouldn't have enjoyed the teenage parties, but that's not the point. I just wish I'd had the chance to decide for myself. One so-called friend once suggested that I was too "academic" for parties, which baffled me. Considering that my school was a selective private school where everyone went on to university, it's hard to see how I was any more academic than anyone else.

Probably an indirect way of calling you a nerd.

So-called friend, indeed.

You are assuming that Sjojungfru is still in school, but shes talking about past experience. I am way out of school too btw. :smile:

"Just yet"? I'm 30!
Your advice is rather reminiscent of the "wait until university" stuff I was fed at school. To which I tended to respond, "If I'm so unpopular now, how can I be sure that I will magically change overnight into the life and soul of every party as soon as I arrive on campus? And why should I have to wait x years when everyone else is having fun now?" No-one had anything to say to that, other than "Stop whinging!"

Now university is far behind me now, as are the so-called friends I thought I'd made there: I'm still waiting for them to sign up to Friends Reunited. Sure, I joined a rambling club, music group etc but that never took me beyond the organised meets. And during the long vacations I was more isolated than ever. I had more vacation time than most students, as not only was I at a Scottish uni (hence a 4-year-course) but also I had to repeat my third year after I was forced to withdraw from a disastrous European exchange year in Stockholm and take the remainder of the year on leave of absence.