Aspies For Freedom

I am a female NT.  I have a male friend who I believe is an Aspie.  We have known each other for one year and have emailed each other since.  No phone calls.  He tells me he appreciates my honesty and really appreciates my great friendship.

I offered to buy him dinner for his birthday 3 months ago and he keeps saying that he is really looking forward to it and that we will go soon but then he keeps saying how busy he is with projects.  

Is he interested in going to dinner or not?
  
Is he uncomfortable with this offer?  I asked him and he responded by saying "You're reading far too much into things".  What does he mean by this?

He is likely uncomfortable going out to eat. Parents of autistics rarely take their kids to restaurants as kids because the kids act out. When the kids grow up, they find that they can't handle restaurants, not only because of overstimulation but because their folks never taught them how to behave in them. Aspies have a difficult time expressing their feelings because of the disorder, so he'll never admit this. Why don't you cook him dinner at home? Do you cook? With NT guys, inviting the guy over to dinner carries with it the expectation of getting laid for "dessert". Depending on the aspie, this is not necessarily the case with him. He may just want to be friends, or he would be uncomfortable approaching you to be more than friends. He may just eat, chat, then leave.

If your friend is indeed an Aspie, then he is telling you the truth when he says he is busy with projects.

Socialising is a lower priority than work to the Aspies I have known, so pezar's suggestion is a good one - as is the explanation. Good one, pezar!

btw, I took my children out from a young age to eat (a few weeks old!); a new-born baby sleeps most of the time! They were brought up to be used to eating at different places. We lived an hour away from the shops, so it wasn't practical to take small children with me and not eat out. Of course, we avoided the poshest places until they were could reasonably be expected to cope (and because of the prices - a meal for five could buy a week's groceries!) but they have never had a problem.

Offer to help with him projects.

I'll have to agree with Tigger on this one...

The thing to remember is that for most NT's, there are two strands of conversation co-occurring - an informational, and a social one. This means that when someone says something, you are probably used to listening to the words, extracting the social information, working out which is the most relevant, and going from there.

With aspies, it's generally one or the other - if we want to give information, we give information. If we want to express emotion, it's generally pretty blunt.

In this case, it sounds like the things he is saying are informational. So him saying that he's "busy with projects" should be interpreted as meaning that he's "busy with projects". Also, the phrase "You're reading far too much into things" is probably meant to indicate his belief that you're "reading far too much into things".

Of course, this isn't a universal rule, and you know him better than we do - but if you honestly don't know one way or the other, then that's the direction I'd suggest leaning in.

Also, TheZachs suggestion was a good one - if you want to catch up, and he's busy with a project, offer to help out with the project. He'll probably jump at the chance.

I'd go further.  If you want him to go out to dinner with you, tell him the date and ask him to confirm it is OK, book the restaurant, book the taxi, ring him and hour before to remind him, collect him and go!  cCose somewhere quiet and don't invite others.  That is what I have to do to go out with my AS husband.  He is always busy with projects!  He does like going out but can't organise things and if I ask him to decide on the date we would be waiting still!

If your friend has said he wants to out with you, he does.  He won't be able to understand why you keep asking him the same question.  My husband doesn't do reassurance, this takes some getting used to but now I understand that if he says I look OK, I look OK and asking again won't get me compliments - as it would with an NT bloke - it will simply annoy him.  It may not be what you are used to, and it is hard to understand but once you get the idea it is OK.  Start looking for a nice restaurant now!

Thank you daisy may - I knew that there was something else niggling at me, but being AS like hubby, I didn't know what it was until you posted it!

You've guessed it - it takes forever for anything social to be organised between us!

I wouldn't have been able to put the words so nicely but I think daisy may's comments are exactly to the point.

There's no 'second layer' of social informations in your (Shadow5) friend's comments.

Pezar, if a guy had asked me over to his place for dinner, I would have just thought it was for dinner. Aspie females can have trouble decoding unwritten messages too.

I agree. If he says he’s busy, he probably is. If he says he’s looking forward to the dinner, he probably is. If the two topics are related at all, then he may be trying to figure out how to arrange dinner, given how busy (preoccupied) he is with his projects. It is likely NOT a question of “My projects are so much more important that I don’t know when I’ll have a free moment for this secondary concern.” It is probably more like “Every time I talk to her about it, I spend a few hours trying to think through all the details of arranging a wonderful night out, but I get overwhelmed and start to feel bad about how far from spectacular it will probably be, since I always get this stuff wrong. … sigh. … ::: tries to remember where the aspirin is ::: …::: sits down to the keyboard because it’s the mose comfy chair in the apartment ::: … ::: falls asleep at the keyboard four hours later :::”

I’d just suggest a few general time slots, and ask him to approve one. Ask him if he has a preference about where or what to eat. Be prepared to hear him be pretty non-committal about cuisine. Have your own preferences handy. Also, don’t be afraid to make the dinner arrangements yourself. I promise he won’t miss having to call to make reservations, etc.

Believe me, the fact that you can’t tell whether he has prioritized you over his perseverations is a good sign that you’re pretty high on his list. Otherwise, he’d just tell you he doesn’t like parties, or celebrations, or he’s busy until Autumn.

On the other hand, maybe he watches too many movies, and this is his way of trying to keep you as a pen pal without having to risk your disapproval of him in person.

Or maybe he’s a foreign spy, or a woman, or a 12 year-old, or an amorphous blob from Alpha Centuri   ;-)

I've kept my birthday a secret from co-workers or friends. I can't stand the spotlight when they sing at you or give you stuff. The worst part of Christmas is the dread of opening gifts in front of people. You know the giver is watching you with intent expectation, eager for you to gush at them with all the right facial expressions, emotions and words of gratitude. That is an art I'm not good at and  am too shy. It feels like the anxiety people get about making a public speech and I don't like feeling forced to perform.

When a friend wants to buy me dinner, it makes me feel all icky and weird and too obligated.

If you want to spend time with him, why not suggest a non-threatening activity that you can do together in parallel. If he likes the zoo, meet at the zoo and walk around.  If he likes bowling, suggest meeting for a friendly game and go dutch. If his interest is geography books from the 1890's, ask him if he'd like to hunt through antique shops together.

Why don't you just buy him a gift that you know he would like for his birthday?  You could just post it.

Same here! And for me, the more I like it, the more likely I am to not do a good job at acting excited...

One of my best friends (who always fights over who pays) likes to threaten to tell the waiter that it is my birthday, which would cause the wait staff to do some sort of loud humiliating Birthday Ceremony for the crowd to watch.   He does this to tease me and enjoys my look of anxiety as I threaten to do him severe bodily harm if he does any such thing.

That is cruel and unusual punishment...