Aspies For Freedom

My son has always been a big headbanger/rocker and 2yo darling daughter who is not dx also does the rocking/headbanging thing when tired. But when she is upset she runs full pelt into the couch and starts repeatedly slamming her face into the seat. It is very violent and looks like it would hurt. Ppl say it can't be too bad because she keeps doing it, but after my son bashing his head on walls I know this isn't always true. Sometimes she does hurt herself and cries. I have pretty much tried to ignore it in case she was doing it for attention but she is still doing it a year on.

I hate to see her banging her face. I guess it might be a bit like ppl banging their heads on the pillow to go to sleep. But she does it when angry/distressed.  I want to know if anyone else has done this can they tell me if it hurts? Any suggestions to (sneakily) get her to switch to a safer behaviour?

My youngest sister was a head banger. I didn't have much sympathy for her at the time! I learnt the following strategy from my mother.

When any of mine got out of control I would stay calm, hold them tightly so that they couldn't hurt themselves (or me) and soothe them until they could explain what had upset them. Often, this meant me making suggestions in a sing-song voice until I got the right one; if this took long enough, and I made silly enough suggestions, they would often be giggling by the time I found out what the trigger was.

Then we could work out what they could do instead, the next time that happened.

e.g. Number 1 snatches a toy that number 2 was playing with. Incoherent with rage and hurt feelings, number two starts bashing his head on the floor.

My first priority is to minimize the damage, so I kneel on the floor, gather no.2 onto my lap, facing away from me with his back to my chest, and cross my arms over his chest holding his opposite wrists in my hands. That way he cannot escape, he cannot hit, kick or bite me or himself, and he is safe.

Until he stops struggling, I just make soothing noises, "It's alright, you are safe... mummy loves you ever such a lot...there, there..." etc.

When he is still, I ask him "Why are you sad? Did you see a dragon?" to which, of course, he'll shake his head. "Did the ceiling fall down?" No. "Did the television walk out of the room?" "Did the sofa turn into a hippopotamus?" etc., the sillier the better.

Now he is relaxed. The safety grip has become a cuddle. If he still cannot speak, I start asking him sensible questions. "Did you do something wrong?" No. "Did your brother do something wrong?" Yes. "What did he do?" No answer. "Did he hit you?" No. "Did he take something". Yes. "That wasn't nice, was it?" No. "Shall we ask for it back?" Yes. "Come on, then, we'll go and ask for it back. If he takes something again, tell me and we'll ask for it back."

It is very hard for small children to cope with strong emotion. It is our job to give them strategies for coping. It is vitally important that we keep completely calm, or the child feels that not only their inner world but the outer world is totally out of control.

I hope this helps.

Oh thanks Tigger I used to do that with my son, hold him that way to stop him hurting himself and me, and try to talk him down. When I would hold him like that he would still manage to hurt me by throwing his head back into my face. He didn't care for silliness or funny things, the only thing that used to work was to sing sweetly as it touches him emotionally and he would start crying instead of being angry. Then I could comfort him. Sometimes it would work but it would sometimes go on for hours and it was a very difficult time.

I think your idea of saying silly things is a good plan and may work with my DD. She loves all things fun and silly. At the moment if I try to speak to her or touch her she just seems to get angrier and angrier. She is fine once she has calmed down as she recovers quickly and likes to be happy. I don't restrain her as she doesn't lash out and hit and kick me.

I'm sorry about the head-in-the-face bit.

I suppose that I am lucky that I am quite tall, so I avoided that!

of course it hurts.
I don't know if this helps, but I wrote this about one year ago, about my own expierience.
Sorry for the bad translation.

Banging the head on the wall
Again and again
Until blood comes running
Running down from my forehead to the eyes
From my nose to the lips
Blood keeps running over and over,
Cooling my overloaded mind
Calming down my senses

Until everything’s over
Until I can breath freely again

Tigger, you impress me.

Very well done. :-)

Nice poem.. errrrm graphic!
I know banging your head on the wall sure hurts I was just wondering if my daughter banging hers on the couch/sofa cushions is possibly hurting her I don't know I've never done it. I worry about her neck. I have never told anyone this except my DH but know that when I get upset I occasionally scratch my head or arms and because of the adrenaline or something it doesn't hurt while I'm upset but it can afterwards.

I tried saying the silly things to my son this morning as he was really grouchy. He had to slightly deviate from his morning routine and get dressed BEFORE eating breakfast because we ran out of bread and dad had to go to the shop. He swore it wasn't that making him cross there was 'no reason' but I'm sure it was.
Anyway.. it didn't really work, I lol as I write this as he took everything totally literally. I said those things you said Tigger about the roof falling down and a hippo sitting on him the a dragon and a few other things.. I just got cross NO's. Then I said "Did the curtains catch fire?" and he said crossly "NOOOOO I can see them in here!" Like.. did I think he was an idiot? lol.
He refused to get dressed the entire time dad was at the shops but as soon as the bread was here he was happy again! Sometimes there is no winning unless he gets just what he wants. Even not being able to go to school and have his friend come over afterwards could not entice him to dress before the toast was within reach, lmao.

I think it is the need for a strong sensual expierience.
A way of handling strong feelings and/or overloads that cannot be articulated.
With little children the headbanging might be a real risk.
When it comes in seizures you could try give her another sensation instead.
With our son it helped, when I gave him a "Bear-Hug", a really strong hug, on the edge between holding tight and really hurting. It very often helped him to calm down.

Maybe this all doesn't help you at all, and maybe in your/your daughters case things are completely different. I don't know.

I think you need to pick her up, cuddle and reassure her when she does this. I don't think she is doing for attention - it's more likely caused through stress overload.