Especially if the kids aren't NT? I'm so afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent and/or that I'd have ASD kids that I'm getting myself "snipped" (vasectomy) soon at Planned Parenthood. I can barely take care of myself, I could never take care of kids. If you're aspie and so is your kid do you ever think "gee, it's MY FAULT that I subjected him/her to this condition, I'm a terrible person for doing so"? I know I would never forgive myself.
I don't know if I am an aspie parent - (like by that do you mean I am an aspie- I do have some quirks I suppose- see all my tangents...) but my oldest son is an aspie. We have 3 beautiful kids. God meant that they be here or they wouldn't be here. Our lives are so enriched by al lof them. Our oldest seems to take the most energy - who am I kidding - by a mile, but he is tremendously special. He marches to his own beat - and it's a great beat if you take the time to listen. Those that encounter him - one on one, tend to remember their conract with him, he makes the world a better place. An elderly teachers aide who met him only in 2nd grade - he is in 5th now- just saw our family out at a restaurant - she oozed over him. She later mailed to us a picture he drew for her (very detailed, 3 dimensional of course) that she had saved all these years. She hopes to have correspondence with him - actually she asked if he could visit her as well, and wants to discuss some of the drawings he gave her. ANyway, John is who he is, and he came out of me. I wouldn't change a single hair on his head - though I do make sure his hair is properly cut and washed - (how he can't stand getting his hair wet !) so the hair is trained in such a way that he looks handsome- even when he flattens it on his forehead... or head bangs himself to sleep. :O) Whatever life throws your way can be handled if you just keep on keepin on.
Oh please don't make a decision like that based on feeling like you do.
When I was in my early 20's I soooooooo did not want to have any children, I did not want to ruin another human beings life. I didn't want them to be as miserable as I was or to go through a childhood like I did. I was terrified of babies and when ppl asked me if I wanted to hold them I would back away as though they were deadly poison! When I had an unplanned pregnancy in traumatic circumstances I was so devastated I really thought my life could not go on, but as it turns out this gig is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. In fact my beautiful aspie son saved me in some ways. It made me really pull myself together and become a fighter and be strong and realise what was important. I have never had so much confidence in myself. I can even say that I think I am a pretty good mother.
I NEVER EVER regret having either of my children, as much as this is not the life I had planned for myself. I am glad I didn't get what I thought I wanted. I am a total 180 degree convert, children are the best blessing ever! And though sometimes I feel for him when things are tough I never pity my aspie son. He is not particularly worse off as I see it. We all have our own unique challenges. I do believe he has as much chance of having a succesful life as anyone else. Some people have to work harder at some things, aspie or otherwise. Now that we can identify differences and sensitivities I think aspie children are doing much better in schools etc. He has gifts which others do not have and I know ppl admire him as I do.
B"H
Pezar,
I do not know you. I can only encourage you to not make this decision to disable yourself. What you are proposing is irreversible.
Why is it so terrible to have children who are not "NT"? I am proposing this as a question. Why should all children fit some kind of "norm"? Why is this so important?
Why not think about the action for a while, from all standpoints? Give yourself a massive cooling off period. Then...don't do it.
All the best.
I am not "disabling myself", it's not like the organ won't be there or that I won't be able to have sex, I just don't want kids. As for a "rash decision", I've been considering this for 15 years, and waited because my mother thought I might change my mind. I didn't. I currently don't have anybody in my life, but there's a class of women who actually LIKE "disabled" guys, since there's no risk of pregnancy. (Most women seem to view bearing children as a weapon to bludgeon guys with-"accidentally" get pregnant then take 70% of his pay for 18 years. That's the WRONG reason to have kids. Part of my reason is to protect myself from such women-they're not always evident.)
Why should kids be normal? Well, because being normal makes life a LOT easier. We can bloviate all we want about our "specialness" and those of our kids (for those who have them), but the fact is that they will have a very tough life. Unconditional love can take away a little pain, but not all of it. That doesn't mean we need to "cure" or institutionalize those already born, or even abort ASD fetuses (I know there are Christians here who consider abortion to be murder), but I do support sterilization of ASD people. It should be voluntary, of course, but it should be an option to be considered.
Pezar, I believe that someone who has made up his mind and is truly happy and contented with his decision doesn't ask the opinion of strangers on the internet.
Whether you wanted confirmation or not, you are not as sure as you pretend to be.
Well no, I didn't ask your opinion on THAT, I asked your opinion on whether other Aspies regret having kids as much as I would. It was curiosity, nothing more. I mentioned getting snipped in passing.
yes & no at the same time.
Rough as bloody guts for us, but we can't exactly "opt out".
In the now of life,
there is that quality of,
"without our kid, imagine how shallow/mundane our lives would be without him"...
but the amout of energy it takes out of us....
again, very questionable.
Parenting has not been and is not easy for me. It is enriching and rewarding, although I suspect (hope?) that much of the reward comes after the "terrible twos" phase we are currently living through. Also, I take my role as a parent very seriously and conscientiously (like almost everything else) so it takes a lot of physical and emotional energy.
It's not him, it's me. We have no reason to believe that our son is on the spectrum (or disabled in any way, ASD-related or not). Things that have made it difficult for me are my love of routine, aversion to chaos and disruption (temporal and spatial), need for solitude, perfectionism, low tolerance for irrationality, audio sensitivity, and susceptiblity to crippling anxiety and depression. In fact, I believe the pressures of parenthood were a significant factor leading to my recent AS diagnosis. I experienced an sharp uptick in depression soon after he was born, and what I now realize are my autistic traits started to manifest themselves in a more obvious way. This triggered a search for answers that led me to where I am today (and to AFF).
I adore my son and I have him to thank for the increased self-awareness I have today, and for making me a stronger and more confident person in many ways. But I feel deeply ambivalent about the possibility of having another child.
DA
One of the reasons that made me join this site in the first place is wondering whether I should have children. If I knew my children would have life as easy as I have had it, then I wouldn't hesitate, but I read that each generation with AS it tends to get more severe, and I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world that was not capable of being happy AND successful. People have made many comments about how wonderful their children are and how they are more than worth the minor accommodations that have needed to have been made for them, but what if it is more than lacking empathy and being a bit of a loner? What if it is more than having an original point of view? What if it is worse than being not normal and severely impairs their functioning? I don't think that is something I could live with. I am not a religious person, I believe you make your own destiny, and to a certain degree that of your children and I see the decision whether or not to have them as a huge responsibility which should be carefully planned. I suppose I am here to look for ways of reaching that decision.
Honestly Louise18 that has been one of our questions as well, whether or not to have another child, and how to make that decision. You are of course responsible for the children you have and for the decision to bring them into the world. I think it is important to look at what you can handle as a person (for instance, if your child were born with a very severe disability - not Autism - and whether or not you could deal with that or not) and what your spouse and any other children you have can handle. I think it is also important to be financially responsible, can you handle the costs of potentially having a child with issues that will require more funding than you have. That said, you never have "enough" money, you never have "enough" time, that is part of life.
You never know whether or not you will have a "healthy" child, mentally or physically. You can only take care of yourself while pregnant if you are a woman, or help take care of your wife/spouse/partner, if you are the dad-to-be (or other Mommy, whatever). But we are often thrown curve balls we never expect.
The only people that should really decide whether or not you should spawn should be the two people doing it. But I understand your need to think it over, research, talk to people. In my opinion, in the end, your heart and your mind will be all you need to make that decision.
Oh and yeah, we have decided to continue on our plan to have another kid, if we are able.
One of the reasons that made me join this site in the first place is wondering whether I should have children. .....blah, blah, blah
I wouldn't Louise. Do not allow yourself the opportunity to subject your potential children to poisonous attitudes and hurtful and damaging prejudice.
Hope this clears up your concerns.
Louise18 whoever that last poster is, please ignore that comment to you. Where else but this thread could such a topic be discussed?While I found the question "do you regret having kids" as silly -and a bit disturbing - what if a parent did regret it, I would feel sorry for the kid. Anyway, once a child is born, they are meant to be here, what good is regretting? same as the old adage about worrying. (I answered in a previous post, no regrets, none, no way) Anyway, in general I think that thinking about having kids, really thinking about it is something alot of people should do and don't. An intelligent person, and one that would certainly be a great parent, is the type that plans ahead and looks to the future and the best parents think day and night how to ensure, to the best of their ability, that their child will have as happy a life as possible. Please don't ake the bait on the last response.
A severe case - might just mean your kid has savant qualities - this to me, doesn't have to mean severe equals bad. A savant (artist/mathmetician/inverntor) is focused on one thing, and is very good at it, and loves to do it. I think that even if to you or an outsider that doesn't look fulfilling that doesn't mean he/she isn't very happy, to not care or have to deal with social things or things of this world. It takes all kinds to make the world go around. Also, what is it that all people supposedly want.. they go thru many years of school, to do what, to find the one thing that they are good at and that they enjoy, forget all the rest. Imagine being born knowing...
Louise, by the way, adoption is always an option!
True, but it depends what goes along with it. In order to give something back to the world they have to at least be able to communicate their ideas to the outside world, and be able to find a comfortable place within it.
I think you have sort of answered your own question Louise18. If you do not want to take the chance on your own genes, try someone else's (adoption, egg donation, etc.)
I am taking the same chance with their genes. At least with my genes I know that my family tend to have long life spans and are generally healthy. The only things that run in the family are depression and potentially AS. With someone else's its a whole different gamble.
Adoption is certainly an option, but it depends how strong the biological urge is to have my own as I get older and how much I am prepared to go through to make sure I can do that safely.
I would like to know firstly whether I actually have AS-which is still something I am unsure about as I dont know if I agree with the diagnosis and secondly whether that would be passed on genetically.
That is very true. (Taking the same chance with others' genes.)
It sounds like you have some questions to have answered on a personal level.
I think that as far as finding out about the genetics of it you will get a lot of different answers. From what I can tell, the most accurate one is, no one knows for sure...
Best of luck on your journey!