My aspie dad doesn't regret having me. I am also autistic, though I seem to be more disabled by it. I certainly don't blame him, or feel that I've been "subjected" to anything. He has asked me this straight out a few times, and each time I've been very puzzled why he would feel the need to ask. I have had to reassure him a number of times that I'm completely happy being who I am.
Of course, whether you are up to raising a child or not is a personal decision. It also depends on whether you're in a relationship with someone who would be up to having kids.
I don’t regret have having kids (except now…it’s the school holidays and a they’re driving me insane
lol
). But really, I think having kids has opened up a whole new dimension in my life. If I hadn’t had any I’d have remained absorbed in my special interests and missed out on so much.
I think it can be very scary for an aspie becoming a parent--all that uncertainty and worry. But it's tremendously rewarding.
I have been raising my five kids for more than half my life. Our eldest is nearly twenty-seven, the youngest two only fifteen so I have quite a few more years yet.
Do I regret it? Certainly not!
And as for the ones "on the spectrum" - I reckon that they probably had at least as good a chance to be successful in life as NTs raised by NTs, NTs raised by NDs and NDs raised by NTs.
If it had been decided, centuries ago, that Aspies could not raise children, many generations of my family would have been condemned to oblivion!
That is one of the main thrusts of this site - to advocate that we are just a variation of normal, that the hysteria surrounding the diagnosis is a modern phenomenon, and we have just as much right to respect as anyone else.
If you, however, feel personally unable to cope with parenthood, that is an entirely different matter.
Funnily enough, people actually couldn't cope with child rearing if it were thrown at us all at once, which is the way we tend to imagine it; fortunately, we only get it like everything else: one second at a time!
But what's so great about getting "better grades"? Good grades don't always lead to success in later life. It's not very nice to call your child lazy and an "underachiever" when it's possible they are just bored and/or fearful of being ostracised for being a "brain". It's sad that other kids are so jealous, but they were like that when I was at school and also when my daughters went to school.
Networking, interpersonal skills and just plain old hard work and a bit of luck seem to be the factors most likely to be associated with financial success in later life. Good marks are but part of that equation.
Personally, I think the true measure of success is doing something in life that you truly enjoy, whether or not it is high prestige and highly paid or the opposite.
B"H
Pezar,
I do not know you. I can only encourage you to not make this decision to disable yourself. What you are proposing is irreversible.
Why is it so terrible to have children who are not "NT"? I am proposing this as a question. Why should all children fit some kind of "norm"? Why is this so important?
Why not think about the action for a while, from all standpoints? Give yourself a massive cooling off period. Then...don't do it.
All the best.
I agree - it's very unwise to make a rash decision in such an important matter as this.
Pezar, I believe that someone who has made up his mind and is truly happy and contented with his decision doesn't ask the opinion of strangers on the internet.
Whether you wanted confirmation or not, you are not as sure as you pretend to be.
Well, that is different, then!
It looks like the consensus is: nobody with children regrets having them, even if they were certain beforehand that they didn't want any.
At least, no-one who regrets having their children has yet been brave enough to say so!
But there are plenty of ways to economise if you put your mind to it. Kids don't have to go to college. A trade school might suit some aspies better. Deferring studies for a year or so if it's possible to get a job is another option. Kids don't need all the expensive gadgets, designer clothes and so on, to thrive.
It's time to get off the merry go round of excessive consumerism.
Hear, hear! I heartily agree.
Now we just have to get the Americans to fund their schools properly so that they don't need to go to college to learn the basics.
If a person is genuinely so disabled that they cannot live at a happy and reasonable level of personal independence and functioning, they obviously should not have children. Despite this, many people who are intellectually disabled, of bad character or mentally ill do choose to have children, some of them having large families who are neglected and abused and on top of that the kids are also doomed by the same poor genetic heritage that made their parents bad parents and burdensome citizens. These common negative scenarios usually have nothing to do with AS or autism; most members of the underclasses are not in the least bit autistic.
I do not regret at all that my husband and I have passed on our genes that have given rise to what appears to be inherited HFA, inherited AS, synaesthesia and mild intellectual giftedness. We do not regard ourselves or our children as disabled, in fact, we think we are in many important ways more able than other people. I hope we will one day have many grandchildren. I can honestly say that my husband and kids have been the greatest sources of joy and love and interest in my life.
But what's so great about getting "better grades"? Good grades don't always lead to success in later life. It's not very nice to call your child lazy and an "underachiever" when it's possible they are just bored and/or fearful of being ostracised for being a "brain". It's sad that other kids are so jealous, but they were like that when I was at school and also when my daughters went to school.
Networking, interpersonal skills and just plain old hard work and a bit of luck seem to be the factors most likely to be associated with financial success in later life. Good marks are but part of that equation.
Personally, I think the true measure of success is doing something in life that you truly enjoy, whether or not it is high prestige and highly paid or the opposite.
Don't you want your children to be self starters who are their own person? I would want my children to be stronger than to conform to peer pressure, or to laze around just because they were bored. If you aren't good with people then the other way to be successful is to do well academically and either enter the professions, or if you are intelligent enough academia.
And re your earlier point I do think that ambition is something you learn from your parents.
I am not quite as hedonistic as you tenacious.
One of the reasons that made me join this site in the first place is wondering whether I should have children. If I knew my children would have life as easy as I have had it, then I wouldn't hesitate, but I read that each generation with AS it tends to get more severe, and I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world that was not capable of being happy AND successful. People have made many comments about how wonderful their children are and how they are more than worth the minor accommodations that have needed to have been made for them, but what if it is more than lacking empathy and being a bit of a loner? What if it is more than having an original point of view? What if it is worse than being not normal and severely impairs their functioning? I don't think that is something I could live with. I am not a religious person, I believe you make your own destiny, and to a certain degree that of your children and I see the decision whether or not to have them as a huge responsibility which should be carefully planned. I suppose I am here to look for ways of reaching that decision.
One of the reasons that made me join this site in the first place is wondering whether I should have children. If I knew my children would have life as easy as I have had it, then I wouldn't hesitate, but I read that each generation with AS it tends to get more severe, and I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world that was not capable of being happy AND successful. People have made many comments about how wonderful their children are and how they are more than worth the minor accommodations that have needed to have been made for them, but what if it is more than lacking empathy and being a bit of a loner? What if it is more than having an original point of view? What if it is worse than being not normal and severely impairs their functioning? I don't think that is something I could live with. I am not a religious person, I believe you make your own destiny, and to a certain degree that of your children and I see the decision whether or not to have them as a huge responsibility which should be carefully planned. I suppose I am here to look for ways of reaching that decision.
Very sensible question. You have read that AS gets more severe with each generation. Well, I have seen the opposite first-hand. I know of one genetic syndrome that does get worse with each generation, but that genetic syndrome has nothing to do with autism.
We all need to be perfectly clear on one important point. There is not one thing called Asperger syndrome. There is not one thing called autism. There is not one thing called HFA. There are probably hundreds of different genetic variations that give rise to the hugely varying conditions that are considered to be within the autistic spectrum. This is a quote from the Wikipedia: "Some researchers have speculated that what we currently refer to as "autism" may be a catch-all description for many yet unknown conditions with different genetic and/or environmental etiologies."
What this means for all of us is that we are limited in the amount of advice that we can give others about some aspects of AS, based on our own experience. We are not all talking about the same condition. If you want to know about the inheritance of the particular AS genes that run in your family, you will need to do a lot detective work, research and genetic testing, and even then the answers may not be available. In my opinion, it appears that autism is one of those diagnoses that has been abused as a dustbin diagnostic category by doctors who are too lazy or ignorant or lacking in resources to pursue a more specific diagnosis for their child patients.
A part of me does want children, and a part of me doesn't, let me explain further.
A while back, got with some NT girl, she turned out to be a delusional, mormon fruitcake, who ended up having my kid, showing me a scan, then **** off never to be heard from by anyone again since, I don't want that to happen again.
Now, I am with a woman who I more or less fell for at first sight and love to bits, member of this site actually, aspie too, all the better, if I DID have kids, this woman is the one I would want to be the mother, but part of me is still scared that they would turn out NT, and I wouldn't be a good parent.
I'm not a parent (by choice). I'm just tossing in a comment about people begatting in general.
Ann Landers (local newspaper column) once asked her readers, “If you had to do it over again, would you have children?” According her column, 70% said no, they wouldn’t have children. (10,000 parents participated.) However, the Ann Landers survey is not scientifically valid due to bias and other significant issues which rendered the results invalid.
According to a Gallup poll, 10% of parents regretted having children. Some surveys have found an even lower number.
Your chances of regretting having kids at some point (even briefly) is probably 100%. The question is, "What are the chances you will get over it eventually (like most people do)".
I think there is a very big difference here. When your children are born you will have an emotional attachment to them and are unlikely to regret them no matter what you go through. When you are in this position right now, before loving them, before having them, with a clear head, it is a good idea to decide if you want to have your biological children on the basis of what they might turn out like. It is natural and fortunate that few parents regret having their children. It is a different kettle of fish when taking the decision to have children as an abstract, and it is sensible to avoid disabilities if you can e.g. by adoption, egg donation etc.