Aspies For Freedom

I don't want to offend anyone. but please hear me out. I'm just curious to know, what advantages to aspies have over NT's? Have you ever had the problem I have right now?
Do you have any advice?



A part of me hated myself for being an asperger. It made me feel weak, and naive. As a child, I was raped 8 times and didn't know it. I was angry at myself for not reporting it and never figureing it out. I just figured it out this morning.

I'm always an easy target, for bullying, rape and theft. I'm very easy to take advantage of.

Ever had this problem:

I walked up to these two girls who needed help with their assignment. I offered to assist but they just looked at each other, laughed and walked away.

People say I'm smart, but I'm going to prove them wrong with my 96 I.Q.(My psychoanalyst test) When I beleived them I actually acted like a smart ***, acting like a know-it-all just for the sake of attention. When people cheat off my answers off a test. I feel useful. when i act like a know-it-all, people look at me as stuck up. I didn't know was being as such. When I found out that my behavior pointed to the disorder, I went to bed and cried my eyes out. Calling myself names, like "freak" "***" "dummy" I even planned my suicide, but never acted on it. I heard of a cure and I really wanted this cure, even if I risk losing my own life..(right now I'm not sure.)

You want to say something to the other students but it feels like that no one ever listens to you.

I tried reading books on how to make friends, but they proved useless, I feel like I did something wrong. Maybe I did. I did all the thing the other kids did to get attention, silly things. If someone ran naked across the school football field, I'd do the same thing. If kids are picking on the fat kid, i'd do the same, but I never picked on anyone before.

Every day, I walk around campus looking at the floor, hating myself and the whole world. I wanted something bad to happen like a school shooting, or a plane crash. I looked back and asked myself why I never died of lead poison.

It's very hard to grow up and suck it up. You guys seemed to like being an AS, but I just wondered why.

I know you don't want to hear me but this is the truth. Now I'm going to bed and I'm going to cry my eyes out again

I felt kind of like that for the first few years after I was diagnosed. All my friends just left me, and made fun of me. I didn't act any different, but because I had a new label, they couldn't be my friends any more. Suddenly, I wasn't funny and spontaneous- I was creepy and insane. I hated myself because I wasn;t normal, and because everyone else hated me. The special ed. system telling me I was an inferior subhuman didn't exactly help.

But the simple truth? You can't hate yourself. You are who you are. We face challenges that other people just breeze through. The things that other people enjoy terrify us sometimes. But we're people. We're human beings, with the same souls and rights and emotions as anyone else. If other people make fun of you? Screw them. They're jackasses. Don't listen to them. You're yourself, and yourself ought to be good enough for anyone.

Lucario,

I don't think anyone could take offence to someone having a hard time dealing with who they are. And I think most people here would be lying if they had never experienced shades of what you're describing in their own self-perception. If it makes you feel any less alone, I know how how it feels to feel like you do right now; I still feel hopeless, small and confused in a world I don't fully understand. People think I'm confident and self-assured; I don't know where they get that impression from.

I won't patronise you by saying that you're a 'survivor' for dealing with rape and sexual abuse. I find it to be one of these terms people throw around when they don't know what else to say - pretty much the same as 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. Sometimes what doesn't kill you only makes you turn into a shell of a person or a ***. However I do believe people can turn around bad experiences that they had no control over and take charge of their lives again.

Remember you were a child. Few children, AS or NT, fully comprehend sexual abuse/rape and many are too scared to tell an adult. Some that do are accused of being liars, or the abuse is swept under the carpet and ignored. You are not weak for not realising, nor are you any kind of failure either. I think the important thing for you to do right now is get in contact with some form of a rape crisis centre; pardon me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming you're female. If that is the case, then it may be advisable to contact some form of Womens' Aid centre too, or Victim Support. These are free UK-based models that offer impartial counselling and support to those who have experienced abuse. There will be similar models if you aren't in the UK and a Google search should help you out there. Even if you're male, these organisations will be able to put you in contact with relevant organisations if they cannot help you. You are also under no pressure to involve the police; they are there to support you, so I would urge you to reach out to these services, as I think any help you can get right now will help you.

With regards to being easy to take advantage of... one of my exes left me nearly £15,000 in debt and the other... well, lets not go into detail but she f*cked up my life in another way too. In turn, I became an angry, bitter, twisted cynic who freely admitted I hated humanity. For a while, that anger kept me alive when I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. But anger doesn't last forever - you can't let anger feed your life, you'll burn out. So my anger burned out, I took an overdose at 20. Turned out I was allergic to the pills I overdosed on and I nearly ended up succeeding in my suicide attempt (I was fitting constantly, had protein in my blood...). I remember sitting in the room with the pyschiatrist the next day (because they knew it was an intentional overdose) and being told "you nearly died yesterday". She was telling me a load of medical information that I didn't care about. I just felt dulled. At one point I'd wished for death to come and take me away, but when I was flitting into consciousness I remember being hysterical and having to be restrained by nurses... because I was terrified. That blackness, losing yourself, feeling yourself slip, is petrifying. I've been low since then - I've even been suicidal - but that experience was so frightening that I'd have to be at utter, complete, desperate rock bottom before I'd contemplate it again.

Just as anger isn't a long term productive emotion, neither is depression. You can't change the nastiness of people; trust me, people like these girls don't even like themselves. The most popular people are a lot more lonely than they would like to admit. Popularity doesn't necessarily mean well-liked; it just means they're the acceptable norm. I watch girls in my university course and I'm so thankful that I'm not like them. Why would I want to be afraid to leave my front door without my 'face' on? Why would I want to sit silent in a class when I know the answer? Oh no... no-one wants to speak first, and snigger and roll their eyes at the person who does. Oh boo hoo... yeah, their lives are great, they have a better social life than me, but am I hanging out with people I *** about behind their backs? Do I freak out when I put on a pound one week? Do I live my life for me... or for what other people want me to be? I don't give a f*ck what anyone thinks about me. Thats not self confidence, or self assurance. Its knowing that I'm a genuine, loyal person who does anything for those she cares about, who doesn't intentionally try to hurt people for no reason, who is straightforward and honest... if they don't like me, well, thats their loss. I'm not God's gift; I need to lose weight and I'm pretty bad tempered. But I have a good heart, and thats what makes a lot of people proud to be Aspie.

People with good hearts tend to get walked all over at times. Its why its so rare to find decent people... sometimes it feels they're all hiding because they've got stung. But they are out there. Remember that even though you may seem to attract all the bastards of this world, warm-hearted people also try to graviate toward warm-hearted, kind people. Thats not an Aspie thing. Thats a human thing.

There are some days when I wish I understood the world better; life is all one big theory class to me. I don't understand the emotions of others particularly well, and non-AS women are from an entirely different planet to me. Recently I've wished not to be AS, but to understand emotions more. I've sat and cried my eyes out because I feel so frustrated at my own inability to engage. At times I feel like a machine stuck in a person's body, even more so since I found out I had AS - whereas before, I had mood swings because I couldn't recognise my frustrations, now I sit back and let this steely logic do things. I expect certain words to elict certain responses and when I don't get those responses, I get more frustrated. Its not how things process to me. I can't understand why women think that by expressing upset its only my letting off steam; if I wanted to vent, I would say I'm venting. When I say "I feel..." I want to be told if I'm wrong or not. Emotions don't really interest me in the same way that they seem to interest other women. But I'd rather be machine-like and be myself.

Being yourself is probably the hardest thing anyone can ever do. But its the best way to be.

My advice to you would be to deal with things you can work with i.e. the abuse in your childhood. These things have quite a nasty habit of jumping up and biting you in the bum when you least expect it (trust me there.). Deal with one thing at a time; you're overloading yourself here. No wonder you probably feel as though your head is about to explode. It is a lot for anyone to deal with, AS or not. But as corny as it sounds, there is always hope while you're still alive.

ocampo makes a lot of sense here, Lucario. Learning by trial and error is a hard and often painful way to learn, but for some of us that seems to be the way we learn.  I feel so sad that you have been hurt and hope you find ways to heal.

I second this.

Also if you have just realised today that you were raped when you were a child, you have a great burden which is important to unload, please do as ocampo suggests and seek help from one of the organisations that are highly trained to deal with this as soon as you can.

Why are you using past tense as if you used to be aspie

Perhaps what I get out of this thread is that we eventually get what everybody else has, that we eventually learn to get along and make peace with who we are.

Then we would think it is a mistake to be cured.

I used to be ashamed of the fact that I'm autistic, but now I'm happy to be autistic.
Can't get into much more detail (English isn't my strongest subject).

I hate being an Aspie. My particular expression is heavy on executive dysfunction. It renders me unemployable, friendless, and incapable of using the intellect and abilities that also came with it. Cruel trick, that.

I'm not ashamed of it, mind you. If the executive function would get out of the way, it would probably be a very positive thing.

As it is, though, I am SICK of being alone and having no emotional connedtion with anyone. I want SO BAD to be "normal" or "average" or "NT" or whatever you want to call the average Joe that many on this site like to complain about.

*sigh*

I didn't even know I was aspies at school. Neither did anyone else. Just a bit odd. Very intelligent, hate sport, smart a..s and general get under the skin of everyone.

So I didn't even have a clue what caused me to be different. Why I suffered some unspeakable stuff ("prove" myself, won't go there). Was bullied, harassed, intimidated and generally copped crap.

The problem is from being very much a minority. I look at things very different and that sometimes (mostly) p....s people off. I really say what I think and watch out if you wind up on the recieving end. Towards the end of school, the bullies kept their business as I was the proverbial 6' 220lb bone cruncher. Not to be tangled with, so the bullies simply kept their distance and just used verbal abuse.

It took a little while, like till now, to undo a lot of the damage I suffered. But I never gave up. Right from leaving school and getting a job (motor mec) I joined clubs, church groups, service clubs and learned. I progressed to my own business and married.

The first step to break the lonliness is to join something worthwhile or that you may enjoy. These clubs don't mind, they are forever short of members. And whats more, I'll let you on a little secret, the most desirable people in personality you will find there and never at the local.

It can only be done one step at a time, its slow, but it works.

Sorry to say mate, God didn't give you aspies, that happens through well known laws of heridatry. And it certainly doesn't prevent you having a significant other relationship. It is up to you not the potential partner. The number of married and other aspies with partners, girlfriends/boyfriends puts that one to bed. One just has to learn to compensate for the social shortcomings as many have. This includes myself. The fact I am married and had so many dates and relationships prior to means aspies is not an excuse. I never looked upon it as an excuse, just something to work around.

It is hard to say Ken M. what else is on those genes.  Intelligence?

Wired magazine (the Geek Syndrome) suggests that math and science genes exist on Asperger genes.  Maybe also computer genes.

As I am Chris Marsh, it is possible there could be Asperger (and math/science/computer) genes among male Marshes.  

Myself:
* Only known Aspie
* Known capabilities as a computer programmer, determined during a 1998 occupational assessment in Washington DC and during entrance examinations in computer programming at the Maryland Rehabilitation Center for VR, 9 years job experience as Web developer
* Known capabilities in mathematics, GRE, SAT, ACT, MD FMT, General Aptitude Test Battery, grades in mathematics courses
* Suggested capabilities in science, General Aptitude Test Battery, plus grades in science courses

Sibling:
* 17 to 17.5 years experience as a computer programmer, except for semester in college, all full time
* self educated in middle and high school, BASIC, Pascal, C, Assembly language
* accelerated math courses in middle and high school
* complains of community and romantic frustrations

Uncle 1:
* retired mathematics teacher
* first married early sixties

Uncle 2:
* retired chemist
* never married

Dad
* Writer/editor (but technology phobic, retired from Social Security Administration rather than learn to use a word processor)
* Retired to less populated area, and then to mini-bungalow with electric power behind house
* Refrigerator husband (sorry dad), separate rooms

I remeber being easily taken advantage of.... this one girl in secondary school made tricked me into bathing in clorox bleach to make my skin clear, and I fell for it, I thought she was being sincere, not realizing that she was a bully... needless to say, I got in trouble for that.  I also had to prove to everyone how intelligent I was, just becasue  I have struggled to be accepted as so. Anyway.... I hated being Aspie for a while, and sometimes I still do, as Aspergers robbed me of a lot of things I wish I had. I know it is hard, but eventually you will come to grips and be glad that you are not like NT's. It may not happen immediately, but you will eventually get there. I now realise that I cannot change the fact that I am Aspie. Instaed of focusing on my weaknesses, I do things i enjoy to counteract that negative feeling of being naive. Even though i dont have the most sharp social skills, I realise that I have more strengths than the average person, ( though my IQ is only average). As long as you stay true to yourself, and realise that those manipulators do not matter, than making friends and having social skills will come naturally. Confidence takes a LOT of practice, I have faith that you will get there. Confidence, and love for yourself will make the naivity go away, and increase your happiness.  I can definently promise you that!

Back in Waldorf, MD, Dave from two doors over actually talked me into drinking a mixture of water, dirt, and grass out of a beer bottle.  Talk about underage drinking.

For me, the worst of the bullying happened early on. Things got better in Middle school, then pretty much all problems evaporated when I hit high school.
There was a lot of self-loathing and low self esteem back in Elementary school.

I think what really changed it all, was visiting a psychiatrist. I didn't even get medicated, but it really opened my eyes.
Things just went better after that; Things didn't just magically fix themselves, but things were a lot better than before.