Tony Attwood, an AS expert, explains why NTs are drawn to Aspies- their kindness. From what I've read and seen online Aspies make very loyal partners.
The empathy is there too, it just expresses itself differently.
To make my little Aspie (16 yr. old girl) empathize with something I will just very pointedly point it out to her, look her directly in the eye and/or alter my voice a little to get her attention. Then she typically has tons of empathy and will respond. Sometimes she will think of something that happened in the past, realize a mistake of hers, and apologize months or years after the incident. I am always appreciative of the apology because the rest of my extended family can't seem to apologize at all and they are all NTs!
Good luck!
If you want to read about the inability to provide that emotional empathy and support you probably expect out of an relationship, you could have a look at:
Gisela Slater-Walker, Chris Slater-Walker: An Asperger Marriage
ISBN: 1843100177
They've got a
website, too.
Or:
Ashley Stanford: Asperger Syndrome and Long - Term Relationships:
ISBN: 1843107341
There really is a big potential for misunderstanding and frustration there! It's a lot easier to understand a foreign language than to "translate" Aspie thinking into NT thinking or vice versa.
If you tell your aspie partner that you want to learn to understand him more, he will probably be understanding. If he says he can't explain something, though, don't get angry and don't push him. It can be hard for us to find the right words to express what's going on in our heads.
Depending on the "type" of aspie your partner is, it may help him if you come up with a list of things he can do (or a set of rules to follow) in situations he normally finds difficult with you. For example, my bf's natural reaction when he is upset is to want to be left alone, so when I got upset he would get up and leave, figuring that's what I needed. But when I'm upset, I need to be physically comforted. We had to discuss this and set out clear guidelines for this situation in order to overcome this problem. He now knows to hug me and ask me if there's anything he can do to help me, and I know now that when he's upset I should ask him if he needs me to leave.
Talking to him about any problem you encounter is the single best step you can take to reduce the problem. Even if it doesn't produce a "solution", the more you understand why he does certain things, the less you will be upset by things he does (or does not) do.
I often wonder why NT people seem to want to be told they're loved all the time. It's like they don't believe us the first time we say it. I'm OK with saying it often, though. Maybe it's like tetanus booster shots.
All I know I learned from NT/AS friendships; I've never had a romantic relationship.
He's going to need his own time... He'll probably relate to you logically. But if he loves you, then he wants you to be happy; that basic fact won't change. He'll go about that the same way he solves other problems--probably analytically, looking at the details. When you communicate with him, use words. Precise words that mean exactly what you want to communicate are the best way of getting things across to an Aspie. If you want him to hug you more, you have to ask. He won't understand if you just give him a "look" or assume he knows something he "obviously" did wrong. If he wants to be mean, it'll be obvious. If it isn't, he probably didn't mean to be rude. I stick my foot in my mouth all the time, and I wouldn't be surprised if he does, too. If you ask whether a dress is ugly or whether you should lose weight, be prepared for a literal, honest answer. He probably doesn't know, or isn't good at, flattering people. (On the other hand, he might have memorized answers to social questions like "How are you?" and answer them the same way every time.)
Communication is of the utmost importance in an NT/AS relationship. Both of you have to work at it. Maybe it would help to have some standard procedures to use in case of an argument. If he's good with written words, try communicating that way. Or institute a cooling-off period for both of you to calm down in privacy if you have a fight. It's really a lot like dating somebody from a different culture--and not just black/white in America, but like American white and African black... Totally different ways of thinking; and one of the few things you have in common is that you both love each other. Build as many bridges as you can, so you can get across to each other as easily as possible.
Oh, also: An introverted Aspie doesn't consider time spent with someone to be a measure of love. We take people in small doses, and then spend a lot of time thinking about it, instead of spending a lot of time with the person. That could be the hardest thing, I think, because one would feel crowded and the other lonely. I think you could probably get used to it, though. One good compromise would be to spend time doing things instead of getting into heavy socialization. If you're doing something you like--say, playing video games together--then it's much easier for the Aspie than if you're sitting and talking and nothing else.
^ Doing him a disservice by being with him? I find that... interesting, because I often feel like I'm doing my NT friends a disservice by being their friends. Like I can't be the best friend they need, but I can't make them understand that without hurting them.
And welcome to the boards, BTW.
^^ What they said. Lots of good stuff here.
As for my two cents, some Aspies (like me) are not especially expressive of our emotions. Some NTs interpret this to mean that we are lacking in emotional depth or range, because that is what it would mean if the same thing were observed of another NT. Many of us are very emotional. We have the same joys and agonies as NTs, as well as the range in between, and the same capacity to feel and to give love and affection - it just may not appear that way to NTs, and that can be the source of a lot of frustration.
I would suggest keeping interpretations and assumptions of behavior/mood down to a minimum. Find out what your Aspie's emotional range looks like on him, and use that as a reference. Maybe a slight smile is his outward expression of great joy and happiness. Ask him what he is feeling, and accept what he tells you at face value, unless you know - and I mean really know - otherwise. One word answers are not (usually) a dodge, nor is being unable to articulate the emotion on the spot - even if it is only one word.
This goes for the other way around, also. You might want to verbalize the emotions you want him to know about because he might not know about them otherwise. For example: Say you are distressed or upset about a phone conversation you recently had. You walk into where your boyF is watching tv, and you brood and heavily sigh. According to the NT script, he is supposed to recognize your distress, come over and offer comfort, and ask, "What's wrong?" in a loving, concerned tone of voice. Instead, he asks, curtly, if you can stop sighing so much because it is ruining the program he is watching. Your guess is better than mine as to where this goes from here, but it is liable to get really ugly really fast. At the very least, you might think him an insensitive, self-absorbed lout, and question his affection for you. If you get mad at him, he will have no idea what it's all about.
If he is really bad at reading body language or other non-verbal cues, as most Aspies are, then you might as well have been waving your arms trying to catch the attention of someone who is blind; they wouldn't be ignoring you, they simply wouldn't know you were trying to catch their attention. SO, it's not that your Aspie wouldn't care or would be inattentive or insensitive to your needs, he simply might not be able to translate brooding and heavy sighing into "Hon, something is bothering me. Can I talk to you about it?" In other words, you probably need to say it.
That said, lots of open, direct communication should help a lot. Like ocampo said above, it really is like a clash of cultures in many ways, and there is a steep learning curve.
My girlF is OCD, btw. We've been together for 16+ years. There have been a lot of rocky patches, but I must say, when it works, it is out-of-this-world fantastic! Best of luck to you.
Oh, also: An introverted Aspie doesn't consider time spent with someone to be a measure of love. We take people in small doses, and then spend a lot of time thinking about it, instead of spending a lot of time with the person. That could be the hardest thing, I think, because one would feel crowded and the other lonely. I think you could probably get used to it, though. One good compromise would be to spend time doing things instead of getting into heavy socialization. If you're doing something you like--say, playing video games together--then it's much easier for the Aspie than if you're sitting and talking and nothing else.
That's the way I am (or the way I would be, in a relationship.) And I'm not sure I remember who said it above, but Aspies are not, as a general rule, "always kind, caring, and willing to learn." Some will be, but there are some Aspies who have a real problem showing empathy (I myself have this problem) and there are some, just like NTs, who are actually jerks. Just felt it was too generalizing...
I don't understand people trying to find themselves as does that mean they got lost?
Mark doesn't seem to have a problem expressing feelings, always asks me how I feel and seems genuinely interested in the response.
I don't think you were generalizing in any way, but just so you're aware of the range of the spectrum... I'm quite the opposite to the above and I'm aware that other Aspies also have the same empathy problem ("showing appropriate care/concern") I have.
Trying to find yourself means trying to figure out who you are as a person. I'm not sure if that is explaining it well or not.
Yeah, makes sense. Mind you, everybody is where they are. They aren't going to find they're in some other place if they look for themselves.
^^ What they said. Lots of good stuff here.
As for my two cents, some Aspies (like me) are not especially expressive of our emotions. Some NTs interpret this to mean that we are lacking in emotional depth or range, because that is what it would mean if the same thing were observed of another NT. Many of us are very emotional. We have the same joys and agonies as NTs, as well as the range in between, and the same capacity to feel and to give love and affection - it just may not appear that way to NTs, and that can be the source of a lot of frustration.
I would suggest keeping interpretations and assumptions of behavior/mood down to a minimum. Find out what your Aspie's emotional range looks like on him, and use that as a reference. Maybe a slight smile is his outward expression of great joy and happiness.
Ask him what he is feeling, and accept what he tells you at face value, unless you know - and I mean really know - otherwise. One word answers are not (usually) a dodge, nor is being unable to articulate the emotion on the spot - even if it is only one word.
This goes for the other way around, also. You might want to verbalize the emotions you want him to know about because he might not know about them otherwise.
For example: Say you are distressed or upset about a phone conversation you recently had. You walk into where your boyF is watching tv, and you brood and heavily sigh.
According to the NT script, he is supposed to recognize your distress, come over and offer comfort, and ask, "What's wrong?" in a loving, concerned tone of voice. Instead, he asks, curtly, if you can stop sighing so much because it is ruining the program he is watching. Your guess is better than mine as to where this goes from here, but it is liable to get really ugly really fast. At the very least, you might think him an insensitive, self-absorbed lout, and question his affection for you. If you get mad at him, he will have no idea what it's all about.
If he is really bad at reading body language or other non-verbal cues, as most Aspies are, then you might as well have been waving your arms trying to catch the attention of someone who is blind; they wouldn't be ignoring you, they simply wouldn't know you were trying to catch their attention. SO, it's not that your Aspie wouldn't care or would be inattentive or insensitive to your needs, he simply might not be able to translate brooding and heavy sighing into "Hon, something is bothering me. Can I talk to you about it?" In other words, you probably need to say it.
That said, lots of open, direct communication should help a lot. Like ocampo said above, it really is like a clash of cultures in many ways, and there is a steep learning curve.
My girlF is OCD, btw. We've been together for 16+ years. There have been a lot of rocky patches, but I must say, when it works, it is out-of-this-world fantastic! Best of luck to you.
It would annoy me a lot if somebody just heavily sighed and brooded after a phone call. I'd think they were overacting. But if they said "Gee, some people make me mad!", I'd then be able to take that as a cue to ask what happened.
It also annoys me when people make martyred sighs when they want help rather than just ask if I could do something for them (and be specific as to what it is because I'm not much good at "female" things such as organising housework.
I really couldn't tell you whether he'd have what you needed or not, since I don't know what you need. When my wife and I were courting the basic outlook I took was when I was with her it was like we were speaking the same language and allowing each other to be ourselves in profound ways that nobody else ever had for either of us.
Which in so many ways was what we both emotionally needed.
But on other days my wife tells me she has to remind herself that my facial expressions are really not representative of what normal people do. When I seem to be staring intently at something I'm probably daydreaming. When I look like I'm day dreaming I'm probably listening to her or thinking about something very intently. Can be very confusing for her but she's gotten the hand of it.
We also hit the I don't want to interact when I'm upset and she does thing. Doesn't seem to cause much of a problem, but then again I don't hit the silent mode that often. We don't fight or argue so there's not much need for it. I just need space to work out my emotions before I try to start dealing with them in a social or relational context.
Only you really know whether it will work or not. You will both have to make adjustments and maybe things you had always 'assumed' will not happened. It has taken me quite a long time to cope with the fact that my other half never really gets outwardly excited about things (he says he is excited but he shows no outward emotions) and also that he finds it almost impossible to praise me. If someone says something nice about me he sort of mutters 'Yeah, I suppose so' and looks embarrassed. He is the same if someone praises him (though he hates being criticised). If I'm honest I'd like to have a husband who appeared to be proud of me - but hey you can't have everything. He is kind, loyal and I know he loves me which is what matters. I have learned not to ask him for emotional support that he just can't give, for example if I am ill he doesn't really know what to say or do but will get someone else to look after me - his way of showing he cares - and we are very happy together after 12 years.
We've had our ups and downs - but far more ups than downs and I wouldn't swop him for the world.