Hello
I wish my OCD site was as good as your Aspie one! Just gathering some info here. My Boyfriends is a possible AS. My Mother and sis are both psychologists and think he might be and a lot of the things do fit; such as rigidity, inability to multi-task, obsession with Dr Who and Star Trek, unusual running gait, bouncing up and down and hand flapping (rining any bells). However he is also very bright, a good leader at work and very affectionate I just wish sometimes we were more on the same wavelength! And I do find that hard. My mum and sis I know would rather we weren't together because they think he will be unable to provide me with that emotional empathy and support but I just feel that there cant just be a switch off in him, I can sense his empathy in there somehere! We had a volatile six months b/c of the water torture "drip, drip" effect of continous frustrations. BUt now I have read up on AS I understand his foibles ( I have my own OCD ones too!!) . I do find it hard when he just wants to go off and do his own thing or cant ofer as much love and support when I'm ill but I wan tthis to work. Any advice?? x
Saying why and having emotions backed up by logic helps.
Eg... you want to...errrm... you have a problem with him watching star trek all the time and you can't watch tv, it might be helpful to say... i want to watch tv because its not fair that you have it for most of the time. (Here you could arrange a time for you to watch a certain show then he can watch st again. Tv guides are useful)
How NOT to react in this situation is to : NO love bribes, DON'T keep saying the same thing over and over.(it is likely that he will have heard you he first time if the room is relatively quiet)
Don't grab things, don't go in a mood if he won't reason.
If he won't reason... ask why... demand logic. If you are offended ask if he ment to offend you... if your feelings are hurt state clearly why.
i fhe won't share then don't take it personally but demand logic and if you are suspicious about somthing ask, if the answer is fishy, keep enquiring don't shout.
Having the paitientience of a saint helps.
Somtimes its best just to let trivial matters drop, but if he starts sleeping with a carboard cut out of Diana Troy or Seven of Nine then tell him why this hurts your feelings.
Ok hope this helps
Some Aspies are overly affectionate. I'm one of them; but I'm a woman and maybe that has an effect. I don't deal with emotion in a particularly 'feminine' way, in fact I usually get told that I'm a man stuck in a woman's body.
Logic usually helps, which I've noticed NT women in particular don't quite 'get'. You have to remember that just because you say you feel sad or that you cry, an Aspie doesn't necessarily understand that you have to 'feel it out'. I buy my partner things I know she'd like or want when she feels upset because I know it would make me happy if someone bought me something I'd enjoy when I feel down. Or I try to suggest things that I know she likes doing, like playing music or going to see friends etc, and I feel frustrated when she doesn't do that because in my head, its what I would do when I feel upset. I feel like in some way, its my responsibility to stop her feeling sad/upset/angry because I'm her partner and to me, thats what a partner does. I think this idea about Aspies having no empathy - period - is really misunderstood. You can't relate the kindness that Ellen pointed out many Aspies have with a lack of emotion. We just express it differently. Whereas someone NT might just shrug if their partner has PMT, or know that they should just let someone cry, or let someone sound off, its a 'problem' that can logically be 'solved'. I can't get my head around not saying "what can I do?" to people who are upset; even strangers. But some of us just feel absolutely helpless and thats why we don't say anything. Because we don't want to say or do the wrong thing.
Thank you so much for all your advice. i really really appreciate it. My Boyf is wonderful I just dont want to feel frustrated with him all the time (!) b/c there are so many moments of pure joy. Should I worry about having children with him?? Who knows. I also find he is much more alert and "there" when he doeesn't have milk or wheat so maybe this is a good path to go down. Part of me feels tho that I am doing him a disservice by staying with him, that I should let him be with any Aspie who understand him rather than one who toelrates but that really would break my heart b/c he makes me laugh so much
I think that some Aspies do understand each other better in a relationship setting - no disrespect to them, as good relationships are hard to find and if its with an Aspie, NT or pink blob of jelly then good on you. Personally though I don't know if I could be in a relationship with another Aspie - I think I need a NT to 'ground' me and give me 'inside knowledge'. I agree with (I think it was) Callista's comment (either in this thread or another one) that AS/NT relationships can be like dealing with a clash of cultures.
It was once raised to me that I would maybe prefer to be with another Aspie. It is a curious idea and if I ever found myself single again I would probably try dating another Aspie just for the experience of it. Whether or not I would prefer it is a totally alien concept to me - I can appreciate its perks but I can also see its downsides. I don't associate with any kind of feminised thinking; in fact I have no idea how women work mentally. That may be eased by being with another Aspie but knowing my luck I'd probably get a really girl-orientated Aspie lol
Mark doesn't seem to have a problem expressing feelings, always asks me how I feel and seems genuinely interested in the response. If I need to explain something to him I try to give an example of something that has happened to him that is similar and how it made him feel. Am in a quandry anyway because he came back from Thailand on Monday saying he was very upset becuase he hadn't really missed me and that he was scared to see me and then had five hours of cryign where he said he was torn becuase he didin't think he could give me what I wanted and deserved to have but at the same time he loved me. Grrr! Unfortunately before he left for Thailand we had talked about lots of big issues such as moving in together etc and I think he just felt overwhelmed by all this when away and switched off. Does that sound about right?? I hope that's not sounding generalizing. I am very aware that I dont want to put my thougts about AS into the mouths of people who have it. Just like I wouldn't want anyone to do that with mY OCD. So now we are on a hiatus while he "finds himself". Hmm not sure that's good as I worry he will just forget me.
outsideL00kinN - you're spot on. When it's good it's out of this world fantastic! And that's what keeps me hanging in.
Sx
Trying to find yourself means trying to figure out who you are as a person. I'm not sure if that is explaining it well or not.