02-25-2008, 07:44 AM
B"H
Hello. Thank you for reading my post. These Torah/Theology posts are what I rate as being "most important." The other subjects are fun, but they are as nothing in importance compared to the subjects discussed here. I will continue to discuss them, perhaps, but these posts are more important to me than those others.
In addition, I have no further interest in Forum politics if I can avoid it. That is another subject that I will no longer post on. By "Forum politics" I am not referring to subjects related to Autism/Asperger advocacy. I will take those on a case-by-case basis, depending on what I agree with. As it is, I am sympathetic to Neuro-diversity, although I reserve the right to critique any philosophy as the need arises. Rather, by "Forum politics" I am referring to the who, what, and where of this Forum. Personalities and personal issues will no longer involve me if I can avoid them.
Now, the subject I want to discuss today is how I love and honor my Neuro-typical parents. This is a critical issue for people on the Spectrum, wherever one might be on the Spectrum. Frankly, it is a critical issue for children and adult children period. The Fifth Commandment speaks of honoring one's father and mother. It is an awesome Commandment that is a challenge for a crucial element of the culture in my own native land, the United States, a country that loves rights but which often looks askance on responsibility.
Now, I told you before that I reserved the right to critique Neuro-diversity as the need arose. Neuro-diversity is a rights-based philosophy premised on the beliefs of western culture, particularly American and Western European culture. Such philosophies can lead to an emphasis on rights without responsibilities if we are not careful. And, for adults on the Spectrum, there can be a tendency to focus on a very understandable feeling that one's family and society do not understand us. And, the honoring of parents is often a challenge when one feels that one's parents are fundamentally different in how they see the world. This is not a statement against Neuro-diversity, G-d forbid. Rather, it is a statement in support of a belief that rights must carry responsibilities.
Most cultures understand that one of the responsibilities of an adult with rights is to continue to honor one's parents. This feeling is particularly strong in Asian cultures, when bringing shame upon one's parents is tantamount to an act of grievous sin. This traditional view is enshrined in Fifth Commandment as found in the Torah, that of honoring one's father and mother.
Many will object to the Commandment to honor one's parents because they will claim that their particular parents were abusive. And, that may very well be. In the case of obviously abusive or neglectful parents, one can understand the problem involved with honoring despicable individuals. One then honors the Office of Parent, the Office that these individuals disgraced. I would never counsel honoring an abusive person as a person. In this case, one honors an Office that is designated by one's Creator as essential to humanity. One honors what one's father or mother should have been, but were not.
However, in most cases there is usually a mixture with parents. Other than obviously abusive parents or extremely righteous parents, we have fathers and mothers who are a mixture of good and bad. Many times people will use the "less than perfect" excuse to fail to honor parents who have have been, well, less than perfect. And, frankly, I think that most parents have been "less than perfect." Yet, this form of quibbling is a blatant attempt to get out of a Commandment and to change its meaning. By stating that one only honors "perfect" parents, one is watering down the Ten Commandments to fit in to western culture, forcing what is holy to fit in to an Americanized world-view. Less than perfect parents are precisely the parents who are being honored when we are Commanded to honor our parents. Perfect parents like Donna Reed and Ward Cleaver never existed, and probably never will.
Now, I want to be very clear about something. It is HARD to honor one's parents, particularly as an adult. One's parents can be curmudgeons sometimes. I have conflicts with my parents. They are set in their ways, intractable, and frankly, so am I. And, for Aspies, one has an additional difficulty. One's parents are probably Neuro-typicals, and thus one can feel as though a tremendous barrier exists between their world and yours. This is exactly the feeling I have at time. My mother wonders how I can remember what she considers "obscure" details. And, it is sometimes a source of conflict when I bring them up as points of conversation because they are of interest to me (but not necessarily to her).
Many people on this Forum have posted on their difficulties with parents. Frankly, it is very difficult to deal with NT parents whose parenting often focuses on the negative. Indeed, their focus appears to be on what one does not do, what one has not accomplished, the social graces one does not have, and the dreams for the future that were not fulfilled. And, it is a particular aspect of parenting these days that there is an automatic expectation that one's child will go to Harvard right after High School. When that dream is dashed, there is a great deal of anger. That anger may be directed at the child.
Divorce is also a fact of modern life. It is particularly prevalent among some NT parents of Autistic children, whose expectations of bliss were given to them by a selfish culture. These parents have believed a great lie that the purpose of their marriage was personal happiness. Such blatant lies are a form of blasphemy that have misled modern American culture far more than more obvious lies. The "happiness" myth rests at the root of divorce.
I am fortunate that my parents did not divorce. They made the right choice. However, a great many people are not so fortunate. And, I am fortunate that my parents have indeed overcome selfishness as a parent should, and learned a love beyond what they knew as single people without children. I hope that I have as well, but I fear that they may have gone further on that road than I have. Many children and adult children are not so fortunate. Parents can be selfish, egotistical, and every bit as contentious and rebellious as can teenagers. Thus, when one speak of honoring parents, one must clarify that one means one's parents as they are, not as some ideal. Yes, I am referring to OUR parents, not to some other parents.
As an Aspie, honoring one's parents means understanding their world. It means understanding that they do not see the world as you do. Neither you nor they are "superior." they are simply different. And, in my case, I and my parents are both very different. My parents can be short on understanding, and long on how I should run my life. They are short on questions, and long on answers. Yet, they are my parents. They were with me when the going was tough. They did not abandon me. That is something that matters more to me than words of love, which are cheap and ultimately worthless without actions.
Most of our parents did not abandon us, and as such fulfilled a sacred obligation. If we wonder how to honor our parents, we can begin with realizing that they were there for us in a million ways that we did not recognize at the time. Friends and boyfriends/girlfriends have said great words about love, about being there, about how they would always be with us. Some have been, to be sure, but most have fallen by the wayside. Yet, the majority of our parents are still there. This is something that we must honor, especially if like a lot of children we have taken this for granted. I will admit that I have taken this for granted. I will no take it for granted no longer.
My parents have just begun to understand what Asperger is. They still think of it as a "Syndrome." They still hope for something like a cure. Frankly, if they thought of the Fifth Commandment, they would probably think that it is my Fifth Commandment obligation to "cure" myself. This would be a self-referential understanding of the Fifth Commandment, one predicated around what one receives. The hope of most parents is that children will conform to their world. Sadly, one cannot conform to such an ideal, any more than a parent can conform to Donna Reed or Ward Cleaver. Ideals simply do not exist. Nor is it ours to make a demand on the world that it conform to our own image.
Parents, conformity is not what the Fifth Commandment is all about. The Fifth Commandment is about honoring one's parents, but it is not about molding oneself to please them. It is a spiritual Commandment, not a statement of family politics or interpersonal appeasement. And, I need to be very clear about something. The Fifth Commandment has nothing to do with some sugar-coated way of covering up real truths, or of one's parents suddenly becoming saints. It is not about Stepford children. The Fifth Commandment is about a deep and abiding love for parents because one suddenly understands that parents were THERE, and continue to be there. The "thereness" of parents are what we honor more than anything else. It takes a lot to be "there." It takes more to "be there" than most children realize, or most adult children for that matter.
And, adults, the Fifth Commandment did not end when you were 18. It did not stop when you were 21. It is as an adult that one truly understands the Fifth Commandment. Children probably do not understand the Fifth Commandment. It is as an adult that one truly grasps its meaning. Kids are a difficult bunch. Look at the worse behaved kid and realized that you were probably fussier and more contentious than he or she ever was. You just cling to your memories and remember things your way. No, sorry. You WERE a difficult child, and don't deny it. And yet, your parents were THERE. That is how love was expressed, by being there. It was hard, but they chose to be there for you, with all of their quirks. Recognizing that is part of honoring your father and mother.
What about children on the Spectrum in particular? Neuro-typical parents of Aspie children act on the basis of what they understand. They act on the basis of the world that they know. Maybe they succeeded in being the best of parents. Maybe they failed miserably. And, maybe there is a mixture of both. I suspect that it is the third. Remember, however, that if they remained parents, if they did not abandon you, then they were THERE. They tried everything to bring forth what they thought would bring you happiness. No, it was not all about them. They loved you, and wanted what they thought was best for you. I know that it is hard to understand that their misguided attempts to get you to conform were acts of love, but if one is going to ask for the understanding of NT society, then one must be willing to afford some understanding. We must model for others what we expect for ourselves.
Indeed, my parents have been THERE during my life. As such, their love matters more to me than that of friends, ladies, or religious leaders with sweet tongues. The love of my parents matters more than professions of respect that might come my way, the esteem of teachers, or the enticements of employers. And, their promises mean something to me in the way that other promises do not. That is because I have seen them, tested them, frustrated them, berated them, rebelled against them, been my "Aspie" self with them----and they are still THERE. They remained when the rest of the world would have flooded away. I cannot give that kind of praise for any other persons or institutions on Earth. For this I am appreciative beyond measure, beyond anything I can express in words.
So, how do I honor my NT parents? It is all very simple. I recognize that they have been there. I show them that I appreciate their presence. I do not use words. I use actions of love and respect. The latter are real. My parents have chosen to UNDERSTAND me. They have chosen to try. This matters to me a great deal more than the outward forms that conform to some image of love. It is real love. How can I not honor what is more real to me than professions or intentions?
Honoring one's parents means being there for them as they have been there for you. It means avoiding the nursing home if you can, letting them live with you. If that is not possible for some reason (I know not what), it means as much involvement in assisted living as possible. It means forfeiting one's selfishness in dealing with one's parents. They knew you before you knew yourself. At the very least one owes them a bit of that self back. And, for an Aspie, giving a bit of oneself might be the very thing that will allow one's NT parents to finally accept you. After all, in giving yourself you are giving a bit of who you are to the other person. That other person then accepts the quality that is given. That is often a door to tolerance that simply demanding rights does not open.
In the end, I still struggle with the Fifth Commandment. All of us do. Perhaps I do more than others. And yet, again, it is not a Commandment for perfect people. There are no perfect children or perfect parents. If there were, there would be no point in such a Commandment. The Office of the parent is to transmit values to their offspring. And, more poignantly, it is to MODEL those values. Think of all the ways that our parents came through. Think of the little things. They may mean less to us, but they meant a lot to them. In their minds, a bridge was being built to their world. That bridge may have failed because it may not have properly assessed our world. And yet, can we not appreciate the act of love enough to build a bridge for them to our world? It is a question that may not be conclusive to many of you, but it is the one that I will leave you with.
All the best,
Hello. Thank you for reading my post. These Torah/Theology posts are what I rate as being "most important." The other subjects are fun, but they are as nothing in importance compared to the subjects discussed here. I will continue to discuss them, perhaps, but these posts are more important to me than those others.
In addition, I have no further interest in Forum politics if I can avoid it. That is another subject that I will no longer post on. By "Forum politics" I am not referring to subjects related to Autism/Asperger advocacy. I will take those on a case-by-case basis, depending on what I agree with. As it is, I am sympathetic to Neuro-diversity, although I reserve the right to critique any philosophy as the need arises. Rather, by "Forum politics" I am referring to the who, what, and where of this Forum. Personalities and personal issues will no longer involve me if I can avoid them.
Now, the subject I want to discuss today is how I love and honor my Neuro-typical parents. This is a critical issue for people on the Spectrum, wherever one might be on the Spectrum. Frankly, it is a critical issue for children and adult children period. The Fifth Commandment speaks of honoring one's father and mother. It is an awesome Commandment that is a challenge for a crucial element of the culture in my own native land, the United States, a country that loves rights but which often looks askance on responsibility.
Now, I told you before that I reserved the right to critique Neuro-diversity as the need arose. Neuro-diversity is a rights-based philosophy premised on the beliefs of western culture, particularly American and Western European culture. Such philosophies can lead to an emphasis on rights without responsibilities if we are not careful. And, for adults on the Spectrum, there can be a tendency to focus on a very understandable feeling that one's family and society do not understand us. And, the honoring of parents is often a challenge when one feels that one's parents are fundamentally different in how they see the world. This is not a statement against Neuro-diversity, G-d forbid. Rather, it is a statement in support of a belief that rights must carry responsibilities.
Most cultures understand that one of the responsibilities of an adult with rights is to continue to honor one's parents. This feeling is particularly strong in Asian cultures, when bringing shame upon one's parents is tantamount to an act of grievous sin. This traditional view is enshrined in Fifth Commandment as found in the Torah, that of honoring one's father and mother.
Many will object to the Commandment to honor one's parents because they will claim that their particular parents were abusive. And, that may very well be. In the case of obviously abusive or neglectful parents, one can understand the problem involved with honoring despicable individuals. One then honors the Office of Parent, the Office that these individuals disgraced. I would never counsel honoring an abusive person as a person. In this case, one honors an Office that is designated by one's Creator as essential to humanity. One honors what one's father or mother should have been, but were not.
However, in most cases there is usually a mixture with parents. Other than obviously abusive parents or extremely righteous parents, we have fathers and mothers who are a mixture of good and bad. Many times people will use the "less than perfect" excuse to fail to honor parents who have have been, well, less than perfect. And, frankly, I think that most parents have been "less than perfect." Yet, this form of quibbling is a blatant attempt to get out of a Commandment and to change its meaning. By stating that one only honors "perfect" parents, one is watering down the Ten Commandments to fit in to western culture, forcing what is holy to fit in to an Americanized world-view. Less than perfect parents are precisely the parents who are being honored when we are Commanded to honor our parents. Perfect parents like Donna Reed and Ward Cleaver never existed, and probably never will.
Now, I want to be very clear about something. It is HARD to honor one's parents, particularly as an adult. One's parents can be curmudgeons sometimes. I have conflicts with my parents. They are set in their ways, intractable, and frankly, so am I. And, for Aspies, one has an additional difficulty. One's parents are probably Neuro-typicals, and thus one can feel as though a tremendous barrier exists between their world and yours. This is exactly the feeling I have at time. My mother wonders how I can remember what she considers "obscure" details. And, it is sometimes a source of conflict when I bring them up as points of conversation because they are of interest to me (but not necessarily to her).
Many people on this Forum have posted on their difficulties with parents. Frankly, it is very difficult to deal with NT parents whose parenting often focuses on the negative. Indeed, their focus appears to be on what one does not do, what one has not accomplished, the social graces one does not have, and the dreams for the future that were not fulfilled. And, it is a particular aspect of parenting these days that there is an automatic expectation that one's child will go to Harvard right after High School. When that dream is dashed, there is a great deal of anger. That anger may be directed at the child.
Divorce is also a fact of modern life. It is particularly prevalent among some NT parents of Autistic children, whose expectations of bliss were given to them by a selfish culture. These parents have believed a great lie that the purpose of their marriage was personal happiness. Such blatant lies are a form of blasphemy that have misled modern American culture far more than more obvious lies. The "happiness" myth rests at the root of divorce.
I am fortunate that my parents did not divorce. They made the right choice. However, a great many people are not so fortunate. And, I am fortunate that my parents have indeed overcome selfishness as a parent should, and learned a love beyond what they knew as single people without children. I hope that I have as well, but I fear that they may have gone further on that road than I have. Many children and adult children are not so fortunate. Parents can be selfish, egotistical, and every bit as contentious and rebellious as can teenagers. Thus, when one speak of honoring parents, one must clarify that one means one's parents as they are, not as some ideal. Yes, I am referring to OUR parents, not to some other parents.
As an Aspie, honoring one's parents means understanding their world. It means understanding that they do not see the world as you do. Neither you nor they are "superior." they are simply different. And, in my case, I and my parents are both very different. My parents can be short on understanding, and long on how I should run my life. They are short on questions, and long on answers. Yet, they are my parents. They were with me when the going was tough. They did not abandon me. That is something that matters more to me than words of love, which are cheap and ultimately worthless without actions.
Most of our parents did not abandon us, and as such fulfilled a sacred obligation. If we wonder how to honor our parents, we can begin with realizing that they were there for us in a million ways that we did not recognize at the time. Friends and boyfriends/girlfriends have said great words about love, about being there, about how they would always be with us. Some have been, to be sure, but most have fallen by the wayside. Yet, the majority of our parents are still there. This is something that we must honor, especially if like a lot of children we have taken this for granted. I will admit that I have taken this for granted. I will no take it for granted no longer.
My parents have just begun to understand what Asperger is. They still think of it as a "Syndrome." They still hope for something like a cure. Frankly, if they thought of the Fifth Commandment, they would probably think that it is my Fifth Commandment obligation to "cure" myself. This would be a self-referential understanding of the Fifth Commandment, one predicated around what one receives. The hope of most parents is that children will conform to their world. Sadly, one cannot conform to such an ideal, any more than a parent can conform to Donna Reed or Ward Cleaver. Ideals simply do not exist. Nor is it ours to make a demand on the world that it conform to our own image.
Parents, conformity is not what the Fifth Commandment is all about. The Fifth Commandment is about honoring one's parents, but it is not about molding oneself to please them. It is a spiritual Commandment, not a statement of family politics or interpersonal appeasement. And, I need to be very clear about something. The Fifth Commandment has nothing to do with some sugar-coated way of covering up real truths, or of one's parents suddenly becoming saints. It is not about Stepford children. The Fifth Commandment is about a deep and abiding love for parents because one suddenly understands that parents were THERE, and continue to be there. The "thereness" of parents are what we honor more than anything else. It takes a lot to be "there." It takes more to "be there" than most children realize, or most adult children for that matter.
And, adults, the Fifth Commandment did not end when you were 18. It did not stop when you were 21. It is as an adult that one truly understands the Fifth Commandment. Children probably do not understand the Fifth Commandment. It is as an adult that one truly grasps its meaning. Kids are a difficult bunch. Look at the worse behaved kid and realized that you were probably fussier and more contentious than he or she ever was. You just cling to your memories and remember things your way. No, sorry. You WERE a difficult child, and don't deny it. And yet, your parents were THERE. That is how love was expressed, by being there. It was hard, but they chose to be there for you, with all of their quirks. Recognizing that is part of honoring your father and mother.
What about children on the Spectrum in particular? Neuro-typical parents of Aspie children act on the basis of what they understand. They act on the basis of the world that they know. Maybe they succeeded in being the best of parents. Maybe they failed miserably. And, maybe there is a mixture of both. I suspect that it is the third. Remember, however, that if they remained parents, if they did not abandon you, then they were THERE. They tried everything to bring forth what they thought would bring you happiness. No, it was not all about them. They loved you, and wanted what they thought was best for you. I know that it is hard to understand that their misguided attempts to get you to conform were acts of love, but if one is going to ask for the understanding of NT society, then one must be willing to afford some understanding. We must model for others what we expect for ourselves.
Indeed, my parents have been THERE during my life. As such, their love matters more to me than that of friends, ladies, or religious leaders with sweet tongues. The love of my parents matters more than professions of respect that might come my way, the esteem of teachers, or the enticements of employers. And, their promises mean something to me in the way that other promises do not. That is because I have seen them, tested them, frustrated them, berated them, rebelled against them, been my "Aspie" self with them----and they are still THERE. They remained when the rest of the world would have flooded away. I cannot give that kind of praise for any other persons or institutions on Earth. For this I am appreciative beyond measure, beyond anything I can express in words.
So, how do I honor my NT parents? It is all very simple. I recognize that they have been there. I show them that I appreciate their presence. I do not use words. I use actions of love and respect. The latter are real. My parents have chosen to UNDERSTAND me. They have chosen to try. This matters to me a great deal more than the outward forms that conform to some image of love. It is real love. How can I not honor what is more real to me than professions or intentions?
Honoring one's parents means being there for them as they have been there for you. It means avoiding the nursing home if you can, letting them live with you. If that is not possible for some reason (I know not what), it means as much involvement in assisted living as possible. It means forfeiting one's selfishness in dealing with one's parents. They knew you before you knew yourself. At the very least one owes them a bit of that self back. And, for an Aspie, giving a bit of oneself might be the very thing that will allow one's NT parents to finally accept you. After all, in giving yourself you are giving a bit of who you are to the other person. That other person then accepts the quality that is given. That is often a door to tolerance that simply demanding rights does not open.
In the end, I still struggle with the Fifth Commandment. All of us do. Perhaps I do more than others. And yet, again, it is not a Commandment for perfect people. There are no perfect children or perfect parents. If there were, there would be no point in such a Commandment. The Office of the parent is to transmit values to their offspring. And, more poignantly, it is to MODEL those values. Think of all the ways that our parents came through. Think of the little things. They may mean less to us, but they meant a lot to them. In their minds, a bridge was being built to their world. That bridge may have failed because it may not have properly assessed our world. And yet, can we not appreciate the act of love enough to build a bridge for them to our world? It is a question that may not be conclusive to many of you, but it is the one that I will leave you with.
All the best,
coming from a NT mom. The divorce rate for parents of children with autism is an astonishing 85% last time I read! My husband and I are very happily married still 