Aspies For Freedom

I can't answer the first question. It is not something that I understand.

Since I am married with children I will try to answer the others. I have now lived with this man for 17 years. He does not get in my face or scrutinize my behavior, nor do I get in his face or scrutinize his behavior.  These things are not respectful. Any relationship without mutual respect is pretty much doomed.  

Why live together: (1) We were spending most of our free time together anyway and one apartment costs less than two. (2) We are able to cohabitate without getting on each other's nerves. He still does his things and I still do my things. (3) I like having some one to cook for .... and he likes eating it. (4) We enjoy the same type of humor and are always making each other laugh. (5) In short, we are deeply compatible.

You may notice that I did not list love as a reason, though we do love each other.  I think it is possible for two people to be very much in love and yet not very good at living together.

Why have children: This one is harder. I told my husband that I did not want to have children when he suggested we get married. He married me anyway and never pressed me on that subject.  And yet, somehow, after being married for over three years I decided to let nature take its course. It wasn't a big decision that I agonized over, but just a quiet decision to stop taking birth control. I mentioned it randomly to my husband and he said, and I quote, "OK." That was it. And we were pregnant in no time. Somehow it seemed to bring completeness, both to me and to us. I do not know why I change my mind, but the children are wonderful. I cannot say whether I would have been more or less happy if we'd continued childless, but I'm a pretty happy person as it is.

I think people wear revealing clothing because they're told it is the thing to do. They are often promised it will bring them notice and partners. They don't seem to realise that not all attention is good and not all partners are worthwhile.

People like to live together to keep each other company.

Having kids is a way of ensuring immortality, plus it just seems the right thing to do much of the time. Some people never get that feeling, but it is common to want at least one child at some stage in life.

I hear a lot of girls wear revealing clothing because they actually want, and sometimes, crave the attention from guys in general.  And, they also like to "feel" attractive.  Perhaps it does something for their day-to-day confidence.

well said.

Somebody told me that if a woman is quite attractive but just has one little thing "wrong" with her eg. she's a little bit plump, her hair's a bit untidy, etc. that means guys will automatically dismiss her.

I'd like to know why a woman would say that to another woman and expect them to believe it?

I don't think so, Pakrat, it's easy to overlook one or two or three shortcomings, like the weight.

It's because the woman wants confirmation that the man is thinking of her, missing her, desires her, has feelings for her, etc. It comes from the immature/insecure part of ourselves, not our best selves! You are right in your logic: if you want to talk to him so badly, call him yourself! But the desire to have the man call you is based on the other, unspoken messages that are included in him picking up the phone and placing the call. PLUS we are hoping that the purpose of the phone call will be to plan time together and satisfy even MORE of our need for attention! Many of us do like to be pursued, at least in the beginning .

idassister

The sad thing is it was a woman who was my case manager who said that. She seemed to think I didn't dress very well (which was probably true but I hate clothes shopping at most times).

I'll have ago at explaining irony
"incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result"
example - you are late for an important meeting because you miss the bus, you panic, call a taxi, spend the whole taxi journey thinking of excuses, worry yourself silly over it, only to arrive and find that IRONICALLY the person with whom you had the meeting has been taken ill and the meeting cancelled.  The irony is that you needn't have worried at all as the other person would never have known you were late.

In written form irony is often akin to sarcasm in saying the opposite of what is meant, but usually in a slightly wry or humourous manner.

Hope that helps.  Difficult thing to explain.

You are confusing the means and the end. In evolutionary terms, all that matters is having lots of children who grow up and have lots of children. But to have lots of children, and see them off into adulthood safely, you need incentives. That's why we evolved to enjoy sex, but also why there is such a thing as love, and why there are chemical stimuli that incite people to stay together and take care of their kids and have more kids (which they, of course, don't have to to have sex nowadays, with modern prevention methods).

There's nothing particularly rational about reducing it all to sex (even if you put in a smiley!)

Aliengirl, this guy you went out with is a loser and a jerk! If you want to have a nicer boyfriend, I am sure there is somebody out there who will appreciate you for your special qualities.

I've always wondered why I can't do my hair in fancy styles, accessorise and co-ordinate (despite having some artistic flair) and just accepted the inference that I meant I was lazy and uninterested in "making an effort".

In my older teens and twenties, I used to try my very best to "look beautiful" but it didn't bring any additional popularity or appreciation that I could notice. So I then thought if all the effort is going to waste, why make it? The people who are going to like me will like me anyway.

But I think I went too far in the other direction for a while and am aware again of being thought to wear strange outfits and being untidy (but still don't have much of a solution to either).

A couple of months ago, my sister (who is 10 years younger than me and gorgeous!) said that men generally only notice women under 35. After that, you've supposedly passed your prime and are simply a matron, somebody who disappears into the background.

This is rather at odds with the idea we are getting now the 40 is the "new 30" and all the media images of attractive mature women. Certainly, if you have men who are looking to have children, they would find younger women more attractive in terms of "wife material". If they already have a family, they might instead find an older woman more attractive because there would be fewer worries about contraception and she would be more likely to be fully established in a career.

No, it doesn't, actually. Again, you're confusing the reason we evolved a trait with the trait itself.

We love and stay together (not necessarily monogamously, could be in a group setting) because we evolved chemical reactions telling us to do so. The reason this trait was evolved is that it enhances survival of our genes.

Your answer reduces every hereditary trait to "sex", and that's neither rational nor illuminating any issue in particular.

Thanks for your very kind words

Thanks - I guess I just have to be patient.

I don't think it is laziness - I certainly find this difficult, and I don't really know why - I guess knowing how best to beautify oneself is yet another one of those things that some people are good at, or very talented at, or that they find quite difficult. It is also not the easiest thing to get help with. Even if you can find someone who is willing to help you and that you can trust not to make you look silly or fake, they still might try to make you look they way they think you should look rather than finding a compromise that still lets you be yourself and be comfortable.

I guess if we all had the money and inclination to hire personal stylists things would be different!  

This is very much my experience - the only people who did notice me when I made more effort where people who wanted to try to use me for sex and I think even that was more because I find it difficult to tell when people are lying or being insincere or using me, so I was just an easy target really.

This isn't too far from my Mum's view - although she would probably put it as being under 30 or even under 27!

Interesting about 40 being the new 30.

And I see what you mean about what men are looking for in temrs of having or not having children - I guess I would be naive to assume that there wasn't a pragmatic element to peoples choices.[/quote]

The self-esteem of NTs depends on how many social contacts they make. To dress like that increases the probability of being spoken to - a social contact. For Aspies, I don't know - perhaps they might feel more comfortable without something touching their skin.

As soon as you're used to 'having someone in your face all the time' it's pretty much less stressful to live together than to look for someone each time you want to do something which needs two persons doing it (e.g. having children).

It just happens ... At least I know I didn't plan it but I'm not unhappy either.