Aspies For Freedom

Hi,

I thought it would be good to have a thread where we can say things about society we don't understand and people who do understand them can explain it to us. Then the next person will post something they don't understand and so on.

These are the main things confusing me at the moment:

Why do some people always dress in a very revealing way?
Why do people in relationships want to live together - doesn't it get annoying having someone in your face all the time and having your every move, behaviour and word scrutinised?
Why do people have children?

Would appreciate any ideas / answers to help me understand these things. Thanks.

I'll try my best.

Why do some people always dress in a very revealing way?

To attract, so that they can pick out a wider range of possible boyfriends (dunno if anyone does it to attract girlfriends, maybe lesbians), or maybe just to feel attractive.

I tend to wear alot of clothes that to cover my body, but this is driven by a feeling even I don't understand.

Why do people in relationships want to live together - doesn't it get annoying having someone in your face all the time and having your every move, behaviour and word scrutinised?

Often a relationship includes trust which might make it more comfortable. If they don't live together they might fear that they will slide apart and (if a romance) find another girl-/boyfriend which means they've lost a valuable relationship.

Why do people have children?

Creatures who get children can get their genes passed down in generations. If they don't get children they don't get their genes passed down and similar creatures are less likely to appear later in history. So it is more like an instinct, or meaning of life if you like.

In other words,

THE WORLD BREEDS PEOPLE WHO WANT CHILDREN

I wonder why people keep asking what esthetics is. It's explained like once a month at school in the classes I'm in.

I think my answers will reveal a lot about my own preferences, lol, but so it goes.  These are MY answers, and may or may not  apply to anyone else in the universe.  

Why do some people always dress in a very revealing way?

Because they lack good taste.  Honestly, I don't like over-reavealing dress, either.  Obviously, they think it makes them look attractive, fashionable, or cool, but more often than not it simply reveals things many of us would rather not see, in my opinion.  It is getting more difficult NOT to dress revealing, btw, because it's the fashion.  I really scrounge to buy clothes I think are appropriate for me.

Why do people in relationships want to live together - doesn't it get annoying having someone in your face all the time and having your every move, behaviour and word scrutinised?

I guess it depends on the couple, but most healthy relationships involve NOT scrutinizing every move, behaviour and word from your spouse.  Even while living in the same space and sharing many very intimate things, you can allow each other some sense of privacy.  I simply like having my spouse around.  It's comforting, and comfortable.  If I have a thought I wish to share, he's there, and we can talk about it.  If I would rather read a book and sit alone inside my own mind, he respects that and keeps some distance.  Over the years we've simply come to understand each other's rhythms and needs, and it all comes very naturally to us.  Yes, there was a learning curve there, but we stuck to it because we really enjoy being with each other.  This is something that wise people start to measure while dating:  do this person have the same ideas about exactly what being together means?  If I am someone who wants to share every minute of every day, is my partner the same?  If I am not (and I am not!), is my partner the same?  As long as both partners have similar needs when it comes to togetherness v. privacy, it will work.

Why do people have children?

I love children.  I've always wanted children.  I realize it comes from a chemical instinct but, still, becoming a parent has helped me grow and stretch in ways I never would have otherwise.  It's part of my life journey, and am important part.   I get so much joy from raising my family.  Seeing my children happy and thriving makes me happy.  Seeing them hurt pushes me outside of myself so that I can help them through it.  It is so very difficult to describe, but I cannot imagine that I would be half the person I am if not for them.  They give me joy, they push me towards wisdom, they test my sense of self.  All of it makes my life richer and more meaningful.  But this is just me; this journey is not for everyone, I know that.

Thanks for your replies everyone - I do understand better now. Especially the thing about people living together - it seems it is a case of finding a person who would be someone you could live with.

I have always been around people who have scrutinised me and not respected my privacy and boundaries. I thought this was normal, or that I was the problem, but I see now that their behaviour was not really very fair on me.

I'm not sure why people keep asking - perhaps they don't understand the response, or they lose the piece of paper on which they wrote the explanation, or maybe they are just not paying attention.

The definition I found is at
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/esthetic

I hope you will find people in your life who will respect you as you are, without scrutiny, and that you will know they do so.  You deserve that, to have people who let you be and offer you companionship in the way you need or want them to.

Can I ask a new question... Why do women complain about men not phoning? If you want to speak to someone that badly why not phone him?

Because there are some women who believe this themselves.

Something that I have been struggling to understand for years....What is Irony?

I asked my Dad this and he said he'd have a think as to the best way to explain it and get back to me.

That was nearly 10 years ago and I'm still waiting!

I tried looking it up in the dictionary but it gave me a kind of linguistic definition which didn't help - I need a simple explanation of what it is with examples.
(Other than the Alanis Morrissette song which by all accounts is actually a poor example of Irony!)

Can anyone help?

As to your original question Aliengirl, a lot of girls wear revealing clothes because they like, I think, to feel like they look attractive, some do I think, because there seems to be a 'culture' of exposing girls to the idea that they must either look sexy, or be regarded as a failure from a very early age, apparently there are now padded bras and thongs and the like for small kids, according to the papers at least.

I'l tell you how I see it, from a guys point of view (and an autie guy mind you), I don't dress in anything you could call revealing, although in the summer heat I do often wear just a pair of black denim pants, a vest top and whatever spiky stuff I happen to be wearing at the time, but usually I dress in all black, and leather, spikes etc, a lot of people don't like the goth look, but *I* think I look good, and thats what matters to me, I feel totally out of place in say, tracksuits or formal wear, I just dress in what I feel comfortable looking like.


Living with someone, I can't speak from experience as I haven't, but I know WHY I would want to, I would love to live with my g/f, I don't think we would have to get up in each others faces, but being there for each other, without having to travel huge distances, being able to share the cosy aspects of home life, have dinner ready for her when she comes home, and all the other little things in a relationship that are enjoyable are made so much easier when the two of you are close or living in the same pad (I really wish I did share a place with my missus, at the moment, mine lives in the states, and I'm trying my arse off to get a decent job to go see her, but its still two plane flights there and two back, it probably emphasises to me how good it would be to be closer, being that theres such a distance between the two of us)

Kids, hm, difficult question, there is of course the evolutionary point of view of continuing the survival of the species, I have a kid myself apparently, through a careless, not to mention substance-induced  night with an ex, but I never got to meet her (the kid), so I didn't bond with her, I don't know if I could now, a lot of it is seemingly in the first few moments after birth, but the mother ran off, so I never saw her, so these days for all intents and purposes I see myself as not having a kid.

I don't know if I ever would have one, its hard to explain why in words, but people say I'm a very 'serious' guy, I'm humorous for sure, but at the same time I often take things fairly literally, and I'm not sure I'd do well with a small child, who lives in a fantasy world, since I do not know HOW to 'do' fantasy.

I don't really get on with kids, little bastards for the most part lol, but I think I would love my own, should I ever have one that I actually get to know, with a woman I love.

Hope it helps

Have I missed out somehow? Or maybe you can't be considered to have missed out on something that you never had a chance of getting in the first place...

My mother, who thinks that women should get married to rich husbands and be good little housewives with no opinions, says that women look their best when they are 23 and after that you deteriorate.

I think what she is saying is probably true - although I know most people say age 25 - I'm not sure what the actual science says.

Well, I'll be 28 this year. I have a bf but that is not going anywhere and I don't experience love and lack the capacity to have a real relationship anyway.

I don't really want a relationship because they generally just make me feel bad about myself.

If I did have a relationship, I guess what you would call my ideal would be someone who could look after me a little - not in a dependent way - I still want to be as independent as I can and will still be career focused (well as much as a learning disabled person can be!) I just need someone who will support me with things rather than criticise me for not being able to to x, y, and z even though I am honest about my difficulties with people and I do the best I can.

I can see that I do look older that I did in my teens and early 20s and it is worrying me. I know that by virtue of being learning disabled I am already less desirable so, what I think is my Mother's theory, is that if I don't look good (she is always hassling me to wear make up) and find someone at the age where I apparently look as good as I'm ever going to (which I am now 4 years past) then I'll never get anyone.

Well, I have a relationship which has no future and is basically a co-dependency thing and I have no prospect for a relationship and I don't even know that I want one as they are generally negative experiences for me anyway.

But have I missed out? Should I have had a good relationship? Should I want a relationship and to get married and all that?

To be honest I couldn't even imagine living with anyone - being around another person all the time would send me into meltdown as I am not intellectually capabale of interacting 24/7.

Also, I seem to make less effort than I used to. I don't mean I'm a lazy slob - I take care of my hygeine and appearance but I used to make more effort to 'dress up' like wearing earrings every day and occassionally wearing make up (even though it messes with my sensory issues and also I am allergic to it) and having different hairstyles etc. to try to look 'nice' and 'attractive' and in the last couple of years, although I dress 'smartly' for work, I don't really do the 'attractive' thing any more-  partly because I think that if the original material that you start with isn't of supermodel quality then make up and hairstyles can only do so much.

It also took me a lot longer as my dyspraxia and visual impairment make fiddly hairstyles and make up very difficult anyway.
I then got criticised for taking too long - even though if I didn't take ages doing what other people wanted me to do with my hair I got criticised too - I can't win!

I used to want to have different hairstyles and look as nice as I could.
I don't really want that anymore - I mean I want to be attractive, pretty, beautiful - but that is down to nature not to me.

In terms of spending an hour or a couple of hours trying to make myself look as nice as possible I just don't have the motivation - it seems pointless and no-one seemed to appreciate it anyway - they would just point out what I hadn't done. And also I look older now that I did a few years ago and I can only do so much to counteract.

Also I used to make more effort to fit in. I used to wear what was fashionable. I tend to wear what I want now. I try to dress smartly, especially for work, but I am not very good at choosing good clothes and I don't have anyone to ask.

I used to try harder to not look like a 'weirdo' or a typical learning disabled person but I feel that I look a lot more like a '***' now both in terms of my appearance and also because I used to be better able to suppress my 'traits' but I can't seem to do it anymore.

And I suppose if you 'act like a ***' there is only limited point in trying to avoid 'looking like a ***' and I think part of it is wanting to keep people away too...

There was one previous bf who I always wanted to look my best for so I really tried. But since that ended (he ditched me for someone else - someone who actually could get on a plane and could travel and could be independent and could just get up out of bed and look naturally beautiful right away and someone who wasn't autistic, mentally ill or learning disabled....)
So after that there didn't seem any point.

Aliengirl, I don't know about what you 'should' be, or should want, there can be something to be said for being in love, if one finds the right person, I see what you say about suppressing traits and the way they make one look, but regardless of how someone looks, there personality is important, and from what I read of your posts here, you are intelligent and seemingly a very nice person

I wish no offense to your family saying this Aliengirl, but with all this housewife crap, not to mention the *** shes feeding you about women with special needs being less desirable (and I for one, wouldn't date anyone WITHOUT special needs ), she sounds like she needs to pull her head out of her arse.

Wether or not you do fall for someone, or have a relationship is up to you, just be yourself, and if you find you like someone, ask them, if not, don't, I though for one, hope that whichever path you choose, you will find happiness, I really do hope you find the perfect guy/gal should you want one though

Last point, I'l keep this short and to the point.

Aliengirl, repeat after me :Aliengirl is NOT a ***.

Memorise above phrase.

Repeat as nescessary

One thing to remember, is autistic people, and from my experience, females in particular seem to look younger for longer than NTs, or if not look younger at a given age, then retaining their youthful good looks for far longer, I have a friend from school, although I rarely see her, not sure of her prescise age, but she is older than I am (I'm 21, going on 3 ) and still looks no older than about 15.

What you said Aliengirl, is what I was trying to and didn't put so well, if you be yourself, the people who are going to notice you, will do, and if they notice you, and accept you for who you are, then chances are they might be a better caliber of people in the first place, people who are open minded seem less likely to be complete arseholes than people who are always screaming about how big of a *** their work colleague is or whining about how their latest addition to the designer handbag collection is '<preppy>oh GAWD that is SOO last century'</preppy>