02-22-2008, 01:40 AM
I apologise in advance for the length and kind of rambling nature of this post and thanks for the notepad thingy in my profile bit. Brilliant idea! I'm going to cut and paste in here some of the results of some introspection about aspie traits I see in my son, and my own traits and habits.
I'd welcome thoughts and comments on this. I'm not looking for a label, but a better understanding of myself. My understanding of my son has improved by posts here and speaking to others and now I'm maybe just looking for a bit of confirmation and perspective on who I am...
Here goes - bit random
"This evening,waiting for kettle to boil, starting to think about my own behaviours and traits, esp re social skills and demeanour.
I remember one particular man whose company I often found myself in, as part of a club, got annoyed because he couldn't work me out because I "was always calm". He couldn't tell by my face what I was thinking. I never felt calm and always thought I was being facially expressive. I always thought I seemed nervous rather than calm, I often felt nervous unless with people I knew well. Actually I actively dislike and mistrusted the man who said this, I always felt there was something unwholesome about him.
I grew up in the country, only my sister (1.5 yrs younger) for company. We have never been close, still aren't although we get well enough when we do see other. but more through our shared history than through friendship. When we were both students we stayed a 10 minute walk from each other and really only saw each other when our parents came to visit. When she was home for the holidays I styed in her flat, though!
Oh, and just remembered. While I was thinking all these thoughts about my own odd habits I realised I was walking in a circle! Just like my son does, well he runs. but he's quicker than me!
Was thinking - I sucked my thumb until I was ten years old. I twiddled my hair until my mother cut it short, I used to chew the insides of my cheeks (and still have what I take to be scar tissue there), now I kind of crack my jaw when stressed and if asked to describe it I would say "it makes me feel better" which is my son's reason for the flapping and the head banging. Another thing I used to do when I was young was heat coins on the enamel rayburn fire and press them onto my forearms. As I'm thinking this I'm walking in a circle, cracking my jaw, with my arms crossed inside my sleeves and rubbing my forearms. And I have the cheek to think my son is odd!
No wonder we can clear a cafe and no one sits next to us on the bus - at least not for long and not by choice!
At school I would press my knuckles into my eyes and look at the amazing, moving patterns which always developed and changed in a particular way depending on the pressure and time involved. The problem was that the longer you did it for the longer you were temporarily blinded for when it came to your turn to read from the book and you couldn't see anything. And of course there was no way to explain it because the teacher didn't get it. I think I might have tried once, and then just not said anything. There were lots of things I didn't get and was really worried about and didn't know how to repond or make people understand. I remember being really distressed and walking away from the dinner hall in maybe the second week of P1 and it was because I didn't understand how the dinner money thing worked. It wasn't even so much that I didn't have the money that was upsetting - I just accepted I wasn't having any lunch. What was distressing was that everyone else knew what was meant by dinner money and just doing the whole school dinners thing. I didn't know what I was meant to do or where to go, or what to say. I was the odd one out, and I couldn't ask what it was about. I don't know how comprehible this all is, whether I should stop now or just keep going. Keep going. Random thoughts.
Supervisor saying my sermons were flat, didn't go up and down, said more like essays. (I'm a student minister - my sermons do tend to go on a bit. A friend said they'd have to shoot me to get me out the pulpit!) Again, I thought I was being very expressive, maybe even dramatic, but apparently not! He suggested pracising in front of mirror - I haven't done it!
When I speak I see the words, used to take pictures and store them in my memory - conciously and unconciously, I think. Used to play games with my eyes, Michael blurs lights, doesn't like the new white streetlights because they "don't make patterns"! I used to loop imaginery rope around streetlights we drove past, with the plan of pulling it and making them all fall down!
Mother's playgroup story - children running in circle being aeroplanes. I was the one who kept on being an aeroplane when the rest sat down. Another story of being in the car when I was about 4 or 5 and shouting to stop the car because I had seen a field I wanted to run in - Mother says as if I lived in a high rise and didn't get to run instead of living, as we did, surrounded by fields I did run in! But I was still crap at sports day! Last in everything, although there was one year when I had hopes of doing well in the egg and spoon race because I was good at keeping the egg on the spoon - and I missed the race because I didn't hear the announcement over loud speaker! I was in my own dream world.
I have always "lived inside my own head". That's how I have sometimes described it to others. When I'm with other people I like and get on with I really enjoy their company and can have a great laugh or a moan together. But when they're not there I don't miss them. I'm very happy with my own company, and rather than absence making the heart grow fonder it's more a case of out of sight, out of mind. I tend to get on quite well with people, although idle chit chat is not my thing! I'm prone I suppose to rants and diatribes which is not always what others want to hear. I know that I have a habit of just butting in whenever a thought occurs to me, but I try to curb that - it is an effort! I worry that the thought will disappear and also I want to share it because it contributes to the understanding of what's being talked about. It helps if I write it down, but sometimes the conversation has taken a different turn, and even though I'm aware of it I'll usually say my piece anyway. Luckily for me now, I'm at uni studying theology and quirky ideas are welcomed and encouraged. Not butting in is still difficult, but I can write it down and I can just say that I'd like to return to something and that's great! Student again at nearly 40, doing something I'm really passionate about, getting to talk about it, write about it, enthuse about it is so amazing! (I'm hoping to stay on another year to do a Masters).
It's almost a year now since I decided to leave an abusive marrige. I was bullied and intimidated by my husband and I've been thinking about that relationship and others to try and understand myself better, think about patterns in relationships and why it is that I end up in certain relationships. A few years ago I was thinking a about friendships and worked out that the people I have as friends (those that I speak to or see outwith the environment I am obliged to share with them, uni, work that kind of thing) all come to me, rather than me going to them. I haven't chosen my friends, they've chosen me. If they go away or don't contact me, I'll often not contact them. Any contact is usually initiated by others and I go along with it. I kind of think, as well, that friendships are more bother than they're worth. They need maintenance, attention, birthday presents, cards and things that just wouldn't really cross my mind to do. I have never expressed this idea before, just thought it, becasue I have the feeling I would end up with even fewer friends if I told them!
As a child I felt lonelier, was more acutely aware of others being closer to each other than I was to any of them. I didn't really understand a lot of what they said and did. My mother says I always hated school and used to rant all the way home. She used to put me out the car at the top of the farm road to walk the remaining 1/4 mile and get it all out without her having to listen to it any more! Now I understand why she did that.
I'm going to stop now, have a look at what I've put down and maybe post it. I have been on a pretty intensive personal journey for about a year now - navel gazing and trying to work out how to be happy and comfortable in my own skin.
My finding AFF now was meant. I've taken a huge leap in understanding my son, myself and our relationship. I feel elated, in a way, because so many pieces of my life and my son's life are coming back to me and finally making some kind of sense. I always put my feelings of not-belonging down solely to context/ nurture, but I now see that nature has also played a role. There are various family traits as well, which are just normal, but do seem strange to others. I'll keep that for another time, because otherwise I'll go on for ever!"
I'd welcome thoughts and comments on this. I'm not looking for a label, but a better understanding of myself. My understanding of my son has improved by posts here and speaking to others and now I'm maybe just looking for a bit of confirmation and perspective on who I am...
Here goes - bit random
"This evening,waiting for kettle to boil, starting to think about my own behaviours and traits, esp re social skills and demeanour.
I remember one particular man whose company I often found myself in, as part of a club, got annoyed because he couldn't work me out because I "was always calm". He couldn't tell by my face what I was thinking. I never felt calm and always thought I was being facially expressive. I always thought I seemed nervous rather than calm, I often felt nervous unless with people I knew well. Actually I actively dislike and mistrusted the man who said this, I always felt there was something unwholesome about him.
I grew up in the country, only my sister (1.5 yrs younger) for company. We have never been close, still aren't although we get well enough when we do see other. but more through our shared history than through friendship. When we were both students we stayed a 10 minute walk from each other and really only saw each other when our parents came to visit. When she was home for the holidays I styed in her flat, though!
Oh, and just remembered. While I was thinking all these thoughts about my own odd habits I realised I was walking in a circle! Just like my son does, well he runs. but he's quicker than me!
Was thinking - I sucked my thumb until I was ten years old. I twiddled my hair until my mother cut it short, I used to chew the insides of my cheeks (and still have what I take to be scar tissue there), now I kind of crack my jaw when stressed and if asked to describe it I would say "it makes me feel better" which is my son's reason for the flapping and the head banging. Another thing I used to do when I was young was heat coins on the enamel rayburn fire and press them onto my forearms. As I'm thinking this I'm walking in a circle, cracking my jaw, with my arms crossed inside my sleeves and rubbing my forearms. And I have the cheek to think my son is odd!
No wonder we can clear a cafe and no one sits next to us on the bus - at least not for long and not by choice!At school I would press my knuckles into my eyes and look at the amazing, moving patterns which always developed and changed in a particular way depending on the pressure and time involved. The problem was that the longer you did it for the longer you were temporarily blinded for when it came to your turn to read from the book and you couldn't see anything. And of course there was no way to explain it because the teacher didn't get it. I think I might have tried once, and then just not said anything. There were lots of things I didn't get and was really worried about and didn't know how to repond or make people understand. I remember being really distressed and walking away from the dinner hall in maybe the second week of P1 and it was because I didn't understand how the dinner money thing worked. It wasn't even so much that I didn't have the money that was upsetting - I just accepted I wasn't having any lunch. What was distressing was that everyone else knew what was meant by dinner money and just doing the whole school dinners thing. I didn't know what I was meant to do or where to go, or what to say. I was the odd one out, and I couldn't ask what it was about. I don't know how comprehible this all is, whether I should stop now or just keep going. Keep going. Random thoughts.
Supervisor saying my sermons were flat, didn't go up and down, said more like essays. (I'm a student minister - my sermons do tend to go on a bit. A friend said they'd have to shoot me to get me out the pulpit!) Again, I thought I was being very expressive, maybe even dramatic, but apparently not! He suggested pracising in front of mirror - I haven't done it!
When I speak I see the words, used to take pictures and store them in my memory - conciously and unconciously, I think. Used to play games with my eyes, Michael blurs lights, doesn't like the new white streetlights because they "don't make patterns"! I used to loop imaginery rope around streetlights we drove past, with the plan of pulling it and making them all fall down!
Mother's playgroup story - children running in circle being aeroplanes. I was the one who kept on being an aeroplane when the rest sat down. Another story of being in the car when I was about 4 or 5 and shouting to stop the car because I had seen a field I wanted to run in - Mother says as if I lived in a high rise and didn't get to run instead of living, as we did, surrounded by fields I did run in! But I was still crap at sports day! Last in everything, although there was one year when I had hopes of doing well in the egg and spoon race because I was good at keeping the egg on the spoon - and I missed the race because I didn't hear the announcement over loud speaker! I was in my own dream world.
I have always "lived inside my own head". That's how I have sometimes described it to others. When I'm with other people I like and get on with I really enjoy their company and can have a great laugh or a moan together. But when they're not there I don't miss them. I'm very happy with my own company, and rather than absence making the heart grow fonder it's more a case of out of sight, out of mind. I tend to get on quite well with people, although idle chit chat is not my thing! I'm prone I suppose to rants and diatribes which is not always what others want to hear. I know that I have a habit of just butting in whenever a thought occurs to me, but I try to curb that - it is an effort!
I worry that the thought will disappear and also I want to share it because it contributes to the understanding of what's being talked about. It helps if I write it down, but sometimes the conversation has taken a different turn, and even though I'm aware of it I'll usually say my piece anyway. Luckily for me now, I'm at uni studying theology and quirky ideas are welcomed and encouraged. Not butting in is still difficult, but I can write it down and I can just say that I'd like to return to something and that's great! Student again at nearly 40, doing something I'm really passionate about, getting to talk about it, write about it, enthuse about it is so amazing! (I'm hoping to stay on another year to do a Masters). It's almost a year now since I decided to leave an abusive marrige. I was bullied and intimidated by my husband and I've been thinking about that relationship and others to try and understand myself better, think about patterns in relationships and why it is that I end up in certain relationships. A few years ago I was thinking a about friendships and worked out that the people I have as friends (those that I speak to or see outwith the environment I am obliged to share with them, uni, work that kind of thing) all come to me, rather than me going to them. I haven't chosen my friends, they've chosen me. If they go away or don't contact me, I'll often not contact them. Any contact is usually initiated by others and I go along with it. I kind of think, as well, that friendships are more bother than they're worth. They need maintenance, attention, birthday presents, cards and things that just wouldn't really cross my mind to do. I have never expressed this idea before, just thought it, becasue I have the feeling I would end up with even fewer friends if I told them!
As a child I felt lonelier, was more acutely aware of others being closer to each other than I was to any of them. I didn't really understand a lot of what they said and did. My mother says I always hated school and used to rant all the way home. She used to put me out the car at the top of the farm road to walk the remaining 1/4 mile and get it all out without her having to listen to it any more! Now I understand why she did that.
I'm going to stop now, have a look at what I've put down and maybe post it. I have been on a pretty intensive personal journey for about a year now - navel gazing and trying to work out how to be happy and comfortable in my own skin.
My finding AFF now was meant. I've taken a huge leap in understanding my son, myself and our relationship. I feel elated, in a way, because so many pieces of my life and my son's life are coming back to me and finally making some kind of sense. I always put my feelings of not-belonging down solely to context/ nurture, but I now see that nature has also played a role. There are various family traits as well, which are just normal, but do seem strange to others. I'll keep that for another time, because otherwise I'll go on for ever!"