Aspies For Freedom

Hi all. I've never posted here before but I'm in the middle of a crisis with my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and I need help. First of all, I should establish that I'm gay and a neurotypical. I'm 22 and both I and my bf/ex-bf are in college.

My boyfriend and I had been in a relationship for the past four months until last Friday, when he broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me was that he said that he's overwhelmed by the emotion and love in the relationship and he just can't feel it like I can.

I had noticed from the beginning of our relationship that he was different. He was extremely quiet, almost never speaking unless spoken to. He seemed to enjoy spending a lot of time on his own and didn't make much of an effort to come see me. I was always the one to come see him. When he's on his own, he spends the vast majority of his time on the computer, talking about politics online and making congressional district maps of his own state. He rarely smiles or expresses affection and he can be very easily overwhelmed. For example, when watching a particular sitcom, he became visibly uncomfortable and couldn't look at the TV because the show involved a lot of fighting and confrontation. When we'd go out (for example, to the movies), he wouldn't talk at all on the subway ride there and when we'd come out of the movie and I'd ask him if he liked it or not, he'd answer with maybe a couple of words at most and then wouldn't talk for the entire ride back to our dorm. He'd refuse to make decisions about where to go on a Friday night and would usually just shrug his shoulders at most suggestions I'd make. I began to think that maybe he was bored by me but then I discovered in his interactions with others that he was exactly the same. He has a big group of friends on his floor and they all go to dinner at the dining hall every night. He barely talks to them and they barely talk to him. He pretty much just sits there at dinner and eats. I've never seen him get excited about something and he's said that he just doesn't feel emotion like other people. He also throws tantrums a lot and when we're arguing, will scream at the top of his lungs and will often jump into bed and hide under the covers.

Before I found out about Asperger's Syndrome, I had no idea what was going on. Then I read the diagnostic criteria and it all seemed to fall into place. This was him! I finally understood what was wrong and it was a huge relief like I can't even explain. I spoke with him about it and he said that he'd researched it in the past and he thinks he has it. I told him that I'd be there for him if he ever wanted to get treatment and that I love him no matter what, Asperger's or no Asperger's.

I myself tend to be a very loving person. I liked to hug and kiss him a lot and I never realized that that probably bothered him. I also told him I loved him quite frequently and he'd always answer back, "I love you too." I never realized that probably bothered him too. I used to ask him to eat dinner with me almost every night (and sometimes with his friends, which bothered him) and now I feel so guilty that I was probably overwhelming him.

I went to see him about two days after the breakup, to tell him how much I love him and want to be with him and how I'm willing to compromise on anything to be in a relationship with him. I also apologized for ever overwhelming him in the relationship and told him how incredibly guilty I feel about it. His response was really awful and he couldn't stand still and had a MAJOR panic attack. In hindsight, I feel so horrible about doing that to him and I didn't realize being that emotional (even though it was good emotion) was going to affect him so deeply.  I'm totally in love with him and am miserable without him. Over Winter Break, I even flew down to visit him at his home and to meet his parents. They really liked me and kept remarking that I was really good for him, which makes this all even more painful for me.

What I'm posting for is to get some advice from both people with AS and any NT's that are here on how to salvage this relationship. I absolutely love this guy and it doesn't matter to me one bit that he Asperger's. I want to be there for him and support him and love him through it all, whether he decides to get treatment or not. I want to win him back but I don't know how. I'm miserable without him and I want him to realize how much I love him and want to be with him, without overwhelming him and driving him away from me, period. I'm in desperate need of advice and I will take any help I can get.

Ya, where are all the NTs when you need one **?

I am single b/c of all the reasons you listed.  Just be patient & oblique, communicate via email, recognise early signs of strss & back off a bit when you notice them, and know that all relationships are difficult and full of compromise - it not just an Aspie thang.

Good luck!

Sorry to hear you guys are having problems. You're a good boyfriend for going this far.

I have AS and so did one of my exes. Neither one of us was diagnosed at the time though. We spent a lot of time together but didn't talk much. There wasn't much to say, we just thought alike and understood each other. Some of my behavior (and his) were like your bf except for the touching, I'm one of the affectionate ones

I'd suggest focusing more on the medical issues that often come with AS, that is what helped me the most. It will make a big difference and he'll feel much better too. That's the part of AS that most people ignore, including doctors. Things like coordination problems, weird sensory issues, headaches, blackouts, irregular heart rhythm, undiagnosed food intolerances and depression make the condition worse to live with.

In the end I dropped 40 pounds, got rid of many annoying symptoms, and got rid of several prescriptions. No thanks to most of the doctors I saw. Forget counseling, it won't help nearly as much. It's not a matter of psychology... his body is not eliminating toxins. My tests showed mercury, cadmium, lead, and a few other nasty things.

I won't go into details, since it would fill up several pages and you can find stuff online. Just search for Asperger's (or autism) and any one of these topics. I've done all of them myself. It's best to try or add these one at a time.

* Gluten free diet will make a big difference
* B vitamins (do not take while on antidepressants!)
* Magnesium and zinc supplements
* Oral chelation using DMSA (get rid of heavy metals)
* Probiotics (acidophilus)
* Dump any prescriptions
* Earplugs

Understanding the details of how and why these work is insanely complex. It almost takes a full-blown savant to grasp it all lol.

http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-91155402.html
http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-96416601.html

My last suggestion is, don't smother him too much. Being with you and doing things together may mean more to him than talking and touching. Don't pressure him to change routines or habits, try to learn them instead. Avoid large noisy crowds and overcaffeinated people

Oh and if he has any metallic dental fillings, trust me, they should get replaced with something else.

For any skeptics, don't even get me started... I had mine drilled out and went home for an hour-long episode of symptoms from those vapors... GRR

You're right, I should not be sprinkling chelation around like a health fairy. Thanks for pointing that out. It should also be done with the help of a doctor (such as a naturopath) who has experience with both autism and chelation.

Autistic or not though, most people alive  now have been exposed to lead and cadmium. It's a matter of which bodies can eliminate them.

I stopped SSRIs gradually and switched to the B vitamins and minerals. I did overlap for a day and lost my temper (which was not unusual back then), but afterwards everything was fine and I didn't have SSRI withdrawal.

I overlapped them and nearly went WWF on some furniture. I knew I had to stop one of them, and had gained weight on the antidepressants.

Deficiency of B vitamins can cause depression, so taking both was probably overkill. SSRIs also deplete zinc and selenium, which are important for digestion and the intestines. I developed IBD after a couple of years on taking Zoloft, but with all these changes it's finally under control.

As my old metal fillings have failed my dentists has replaced them with polymer.  I can taste it for months afterwards and its really gross.  It cant be good either.

Don't worry, they don't use anything toxic in your mouth. All compounds that are used in dentistry are tested thoroughly before being given to human beings.

How many times have I heard that only to hear about a recall later...

People with autism generally can not excrete heavy metals the way a NT can. I've also read a lot about people with autism retaining the heavy metals. I think that is why some do chelation to rid the body of them. Some moms I know think the vaccines are the issue due to their childs inability to rid the body of the metals.

Its been disproven that autistic children have trouble excreting toxins? I dont think vaccines "cause" autism. I'm on the side of environmental since there is no one (to my knowledge) on the spectrum in either of our families.

No prob, do you have a link on the subject - I"m all about reading up on stuff. Dont get me wrong - I still vaccinate my son.  I just think it affects my son differently then a "typical" child.

Thanks for all the links - I've read through most of them. Still not sure what the deal is with my son then since I dont see a genetic link unless one of us is an Aspie and is not aware of it. One of the articles had something about genetic mutations when both parents are unaffected but I'm not sure what it all means. I"ll have to reread it. Thanks again

No probs!

The "aspie and not aware" option is probably one you'll both have to work out for yourself. It could be a case of the genes for autism having a greater range of expressions than is currently believed - from the twin studies, it looks like there's about an 8% chance of this happening (i.e. 92% concordence = 8% non-concordence).

Another possibility is that it's a more complex inheritence pattern, meaning that multiple genes might cause autism - you might each have only a few of these, but only your son has the "full set", so to speak.

The third possibility is that it could be a mutation, in your sons case.


In my personal experience, all the autistic people I know offline have been able to spot a direct inheritence pattern if they really look into it. I'll be the first to admit this is highly unscientific, though, and I'm not married to the idea - so I'll be interested to know if you find out more...

Perhaps have a think about your parents & your husbands parents, too - they might offer the missing clue.

I have a doubt about one of my husbands uncles. I think he may have AS but I was told no by family. I've know him 12 years never see him at social functions , and I have to talk to him first. I havnt seen him often to know for sure.
I know two sets of twins, one set both boys both autistic. The other set is girl and a boy and only the boy is autistic. Not sure if the gender played a role in that or what.
My son had chromosomal testing done and fragile x testing - all were negative. They said his chromosomes were normal. Not sure if a mutation would have been spotted with that testing?
I guess I could see my husband and I each having some genes. We are both social people but tend to be more on the quiet side / nonconfrontational. Not sure if that means anything.
Well thanks again and If I stumble across some autism in the family I'll let you know. When I ask his family about it - its like i'm hitting a nerve or something perhaps since its my mother in laws brother. She wasnt exactly accepting of my  sons diagnosis saying "There was nothing wrong with her grandson" and "they just told you to shut you up since you told there was something" etc.
But anyways thanks for the articles and help I'm trying to learn new stuff and trying to better understand our son