Aspies For Freedom

Not to be rude but much of the lead sounds like fluff to me. Most of the rest is the sort of thing that is highly dependent on the actual team, especially the boss. And some of it is advice most autistics don't need -- we're usually *too* honest and hardworking. We might benefit more by learning how to tell a few "little white lies" without cringing, or how to duck, goldbrick, or blow off work that we're not actually expected to do. That's right! Often the boss will ask you to do something without any expectation or desire that you will do so. It's weird but intentional. Depending on the team, your co-workers may be angry at you for outworking them. Those crazy typicals -- who can figure them out?

Mostly the advice is okay but it's general -- and there's too much of it. It doesn't speak to our needs. Personally, I think there is just one point that leads me to progress:

* "Build and nurture your team relationships...." Translation: Small talk.

Like others, I'd rather be dragged behind a wagon. My personal life is not for general consumption. In some cases, I'm quite sure co-workers do *not* want to hear that "last weekend, I slept around the clock". As for talking about their lives and their interests, well, I generally feel that they are shallow, trivial, and involve fetish worship. I'm talking about the "normal" typicals. They will stand there and discuss their new car -- their new, completely average, midrange car. They won't be talking about it the way an autistic might, delving deeply into the details. Most of what they say will be a clever way to tell how much it cost.

Yet this coffee pot conversation is *exactly* where I'm weakest and I know my avoidance of it is what breeds mistrust and hatred. Typicals devote endless amounts of brainpower to establishing and maintaining their positions on the social ladder -- and they do it largely via this kind of small talk and wordplay.

My mother once bought a house in the suburbs and a few months later, boasted to me that she had developed the art of small talk to the point of being able to sustain a conversation about the weather for two complete, consecutive sentences. She was entirely serious and felt pretty good about the progress she'd made. Soon after, she moved back to the city of Detroit, where nobody comes to visit uninvited. She wasn't a stupid woman but it was very hard for her to concentrate on "idiot talk".

My point, though, is that she *did* make progress when she tried. So have I and so can you.

* First realize that you're making a mistake to imitate typical behavior. Most typicals aren't good at playing the game they so love; that's why most stay at the bottom of the heap. They say offensive or obviously stupid or self-important things and turn other typicals off. There's a fine line between cleverly revealing some tiny increment in status and bragging about it -- and most typicals are just slightly on the wrong side.

* Typicals have special interests too, just like autistics. The difference is that autistics tend to choose their interests individually while typicals take the standard menu. Otherwise, there isn't always a great deal of difference. An Oakland Raiders football team fan will buy Raiders souvenirs, Raiders tickets, a teevee to watch Raiders games, and talk about Raiders players as if he knew them personally. He may even buy a truck painted in team colors and fly a Raiders flag from his house. What you may fail to miss is that none of his neighbors or co-workers think he's weird for doing this -- because many of them are doing the same exact things.

* I find it works very well to steer typicals toward their special interests and let them talk. It's easier to listen and you don't need to know much about the subject to throw in an occasional comment or question without sounding clueless. Don't be ambitious! Smile, nod, say, "yeh", and laugh when they do. You'd be surprised how well this goes over.

* I'm not going to ask you to waste your time getting into typical interests. They tend to require little thought and, often, much money. But you might do well to do just a little casual research on the more common topics.

Learn how locals discuss the weather. It's different everywhere and there are conventional responses to every question. Memorize them. For example, in "rust belt" cities -- the industrial Northeast -- winters are frequently cold and snowy. You should not show surprise at this; it's considered wrong. Rather, surprise is reserved for the few pleasant days between miserable ice and sweltering, humid heat. It is taboo to complain bitterly about either extreme.

For men, especially, it's worthwhile to learn enough about sports to understand which one is under discussion. Once, baseball was enough (in US); football has been required for a long time. Now men are expected to have some familiarity with basketball, hockey, and possibly even soccer. You might just choke down the distasteful task of memorizing all the major professional teams in these sports. You don't need to know which are their home cities, only which sports they play. For example, the White Sox are a baseball team; the Steelers play football. Since the name of the sport is not always mentioned in conversation, knowing which team does what will allow you to look alert when someone mentions last night's big game. Other scraps of info will stand you in good stead: which team is "your" home team in any given sport, which sports are approaching a championship meet, such as the Superbowl or World Series. Now sports are becoming an acceptable topic in women's circles, too, so stay on your feet, ladies.

Study these topics as you would any one of *your* special interests -- though not in such depth. Put a little effort into it. A little really does go a long way toward making you seem more like someone your typical teammates can accept.

* Typicals often blunder into the dangerous fields of religion and politics, even in the workplace. Don't follow them as they jump off this cliff. Nod politely, exit, and wait until a better time. Do not be drawn into making commitments of time or money. Some typicals are rather bold in their demands. Learn how to say "sure" while making it obvious that you don't agree.

* Same goes for personal gossip, often sex-related. Let your co-workers sabotage themselves; don't go with them. One gimmick is to divert office backstabbing onto "celebrity" gossip. There are plenty of superfools trapped in the pages of People Magazine and at any given time, one will have done something recently that is bizarre or disgusting enough to derail a typical who feels the need to discuss others' private conduct. You don't even have to feel guilty about it -- anybody earning millions of dollars a year for acting foolish in front of cameras really has no grounds for complaint. Bonus: You can do your research for free while waiting at the supermarket checkstand.

* Try for casual eye contact. There's a trick to this. I tend to stare directly at someone when I want to make eye contact and they are then intimidated. Look, then look away. Practice. Some is better than none.

All this stuff is tough -- tough for me, tough for you. Personally, I hate every bit of it. I offer this consolation, though: Any effort made in this direction really does pay off -- it pays off well compared to the effort put in and *very* well compared to the real value of this token, pointless chitchat.

If you think it's easier picking through dumpsters looking for something to eat, hey, I don't blame you. But I suggest you give small talk a try first. *Look* interested, say little, and smile a lot.

Sounds stupid, doesn't it? I agree. We autistics tend to think in terms of substance, not superficials. If I were to judge a team member, I'd do it on the basis of how well he gets the job done, how ready she is to lend a hand when needed. I'd want to see pleasantness and politeness but I'd be inclined to fire anyone who seemed to spend more than a few minutes of the workday chatting about outside interests -- and meanwhile, didn't get the work done.

But then, I'm not hiring.

Much of my trouble -- perhaps much of our trouble -- comes from an inverted perception of the correct model of social behavior. Most of my life, it was drummed into me that typical behavior was correct behavior. Since I didn't conform, I assumed that I was somehow inferior. But that's wrong.

Now, it may be true that typicals are our equals. Personally, I find it more useful -- strictly for the purpose of trying to figure out what social games they are playing, by what rules -- to assume that they are simpleminded fools. That's an arrogant attitude and I have to be very careful not to switch it in most of the time. But I face a very difficult task when it comes to decoding social signals and making sense of the way that typicals relate to one another. I need all the help I can get. Coffeepot conversation makes a lot more sense to me if I listen to it as if I were hearing a group of small children at recess.

You may think I'm a poor one to judge the value of small talk -- it certainly has no meaning to me. Ask typicals and most will tell you, no, it's trivial -- that's why we call it "small" talk. Some, though, will be more honest and admit that it is crucial to the way that they form relationships with others.

A rational person will choose to work with people who themselves work -- who contribute to the team's mission. An emotional person will choose to work with those who make them feel good -- who pander to their follies and special interests. For most people, work is a drag; our personal interests are more important to us. Listening to someone at work talk about his interests is a way of showing that you share those interests (true or false) and leads him to feel more comfortable with you. Essentially, you help to validate his existence by listening to him talk sports. If you put in a word or two -- "yes, they played well" -- you can have him eating out of your hand.

I have special interests too; I like to talk about them and I like others to listen. We're not so different, autistics and typicals. I just understand that others may not care for model railroading. I'm alert to the possibility that I may have talked enough on the subject and if the other party has nothing to say about it, fine. Let's get back to work. Typicals, because they select from the short menu of typical interests, are justified in thinking that most people share them. They tend to go too far and expect *everyone* to share them -- and think anybody who doesn't is weird.

Do you feel isolated sometimes? Excluded from the crowd? Do you ever wish you were in a room full of people who all shared your special interest? (By the way, this is not unrealistic. You may not find these people at your work but you might join a club.) Well, typicals feel like this all the time. Put a typical by himself and shut the door, he starts to go a little crazy right away. Typicals need this constant social friction just to get through the day.

I spend days at a time at home, where I work; I may not even leave the house. I may well go half a week without speaking to a soul, outside of business and on the phone. I start to feel the need to talk about things that are personally important. But I can easily spend a week at a stretch entirely alone. Most of that time, I'll be very happy, doing things I like to do if not work.

Typicals go mad under such conditions. Why do you think solitary confinement is considered such severe punishment? A typical would rather socialize in the prison yard and risk rape, beatings, and brutality than be locked away alone safe from harm. When they socialize, they don't spend most of their time plotting escape or planning appeals to a higher court. They talk about baseball and who is up or down in the local pecking order. In mainstream society, a typical may easily spend all day at the job chatting with his coworkers, ignoring the work to be done, and *still* feel the need to go "out" for several hours before finally going home.

Don't underestimate the value that typicals place on small talk. I've made that mistake myself many a time. The whole business is a mystery to me but I'm determined to figure it out -- because I mean to make my way among these people.

We're all different -- from typicals and from each other. Personally, I like to get out and see other people about once a week -- by "see", I mean eat out and go to a movie alone, in the process seeing other people and asking for a ticket at the box office. I could pass on that but I do get gloomy if I miss a week.

I'd feel solitary as onerous only inasmuch as I didn't have much room to move around in -- no change in scenery. I might not like being the last man on earth but I think it would take me at least a year to be really unhappy about it.

I've decided to conform a little, get a job and join a team; I'm trying to develop an interest in other people. After all, my private ranch doesn't seem to be coming. If I *must* live in a world with other people, why not learn to play the game a little? But it's certainly not my first choice.

Do we get all the books we want - maybe...

Do we sit in a room trying to entertain outselves with nada - I'd be dead in 30 minutes

I'll fill you in -- but in the General forum New Introductions thread. Okay?

I had a job coach when I started at Wal-Mart.  
It helped a great deal. the only problem is most job coaches are use to dealing with the mentally disabled, not Aspies.

I remember one job I had - in a buerocratic office with lots of women in it (only once, I mainly work with men, but for about 2 years, women,  and it was a great learning experience).  My boss called me into his office to tell me that I'd better start spending more time in the break room when I first came in as I was ruffling feathers cuz I started work as soon as I got there.  (previous work experience was not hourly -so the concept of working s l o w l y  and BS-ing and Whining at the end of the day when "All the work" wasn't done, was new).  It was smart of my boss to tell me, I had no problem with hanging out more and getting paid overtimne to stay late.  (And I am a supposed NT - go figure) told you I was atypical.