Aspies For Freedom

I am about to stuff up another job. I cannot handle going to work and always end up making a freak of myself. I'm extremely bright - I have quals in psychology, IT and an MA (communications - hilarious!) but because I'm so crap verbally I often I
get people treating me like I'm a child or they dismiss what I'm saying and the things I know. They often don't understand what I'm talking about. I feel like I'm way ahead of them in understanding things intellectually.

Currently, I'm supposed to be writing content for a website but I'm not interested in what I'm writing about and I find it a struggle. It's weird because I can write fiction really well and do technical writing but I can't seem to do this writing. The difficulty I have is I'm working for an organisation for carers. In my workplace I feel like the enemy. They don't know about the AS (it is something I've worked out recently) and think I'm a complete freak. I was also the scapegoat in my family. My mother has told me my whole life that I am abnormal, bad, mentally ill, etc and that no one could ever live with me and my sisters and father just copy her.  I've never been able to tell them about my difficulties communicating. She compares me to her father who was an alcoholic, but I know I'm not the same as him. I'm like my father's side of the family and funny thing is I think my sisters and my father have signs of Aspergers. I have not been diagnosed with Aspergers but am waiting to be assessed by a psychologist who is waiting for some paper work from the doctor.

Back to work issues. I'm raving. The website I am writing requires heaps of content and for some reason the  people who started the website project did not consider that it takes more that a few months to write hundreds of pages. My boss without seeing what work I had done made assumptions I was doing something wrong. And I have struggled with getting the content right. He then kept telling me to speak to someone else about how I can fix it up who is no longer supposed to be involved in the project but he listens to them and not to me.

I spoke to that person on the phone and by that time I was so frustrated I kind of over reacted and everyone in the office heard. Then today my boss called me and said the process for doing content had to change (not sure how I'm supposed to do hundreds of pages in three months) and told me someone doesn't like the way the content is written and its vague, negative etc. I started crying and now feel so embarrassed. My boss finally asked to see the content. I emailed it to him and he replied that he thought it was ok and that it was the other person's agenda.

But now I feel like such a freak. I don't feel this job is right for me and I want to get out desperately. I can never seem to do a job right and always end up having meltdowns and being in tears then feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I'm really sensitive to the environment at work, the lights and seem to get overwhelmed by people's feelings especially judgemental people. My voice stops working when I try talking to them. Being at work exacerbates my skin- I have psoriasis, I also have a hearing impairment and I go whacko each month with pms which usually consists of freaking a colleague or someone else out. I took 6 months off work last year and my skin actually cleared up completely!

I just can't bear going back to work on Monday. I've had so many jobs. I'm unemployable. I'm not getting any younger and am stuck renting a tiny little flat. The cost of housing in Melbourne is ridiculous. The only thing I'm good at is creative writing. It's the only thing that feels right but I don't have the certainty of making a living from it. I can't go to my family for help. I'm so over it. I don't get any support from anyone. And often women put me down. I also get comments to insinuate that I'm not being truthful about my skin and sensitivities. should have it easy because according to them I'm attractive - that has come from other women and therapists (I didn't know I had AS then)! Even when they knew I had psoriasis and have a hearing impairment!

Sorry for the rant. The frustrating thing is I know I'm smarter, a damn site wiser that the people I work with but the only way they can understand is if I have a diagnosis - and even then they may understand less. At least I will finally have an excuse for being a complete wierdo. I know in the right environment I would thrive but I do not think that is an office environment. If only I could get work from home!

I can relate to much of this. We don't seem to work too well under pressure, especially if combined with contradictory instructions. Trying to deal with people over the phone if they are cranky or bossy just about defeats me and I usually tend to burst into tears at work at least once a month. Sometimes, I can go into the toilets and hide it, but other times people find out.

Despite having near-genius IQ, my social skills are below par and this makes me virtually unpromoteable. A business working from home can be good, but might not make much money for quite a while.

I am a job-stuffer, too.  It is just too hard to fit in.  I some how make a fool of my self and I never see it coming.  I piss people off even though my intentions are good.  I never see it coming.  I wondered if it would help if I came out, but after putting it to this group I decided against it.

At my new job, I am trying to just keep a low profile, not expect to make any friends, and do the best work I can.  I work with children, so I feel an extreem burdon of not letting them down - not failing them.  It keeps me up nights with anxiety.  I am the sole support of my family so I have to work.  

I buy lottery tickets.  A $1.00 can buy me three days of hope.  I construct detailed plans about what I will do when I win.  It gets me through.  

I don't know why I am writing. I cannot help you or give you any advise.  I can only hope that it helps if you know you are not alone.

I volunteer a lot of my time at a local church and I face the same issues and sometimes have melt downs.  The church leadership is very understanding but everytime it happens I feel worse about myself.

extawordinary - welcome. I had a very similar experience this week. My boss got me into her office and started making judgments about me - that were completely untrue. I ended up in tears as well. I also tend to know I am a lot damn smarter than my boss - but because of problems with being able to express my ideas, she thinks I am stupid and incompetent. I am lucky enough that my close workmates are very caring - and they have come to know and understand me - (special people) - they support me. My problem is much the same as yours - but set within a different environment.

Maybe the first thing you could do - that could be helpful, would be to obtain a diagnosis.
Then once this is in place - you could perhaps seek some sort of work place or life skills  mentoring / support. Some one to act as an intermediary to promote more understanding on your behalf would be helpful.   From the description you give of your difficulties - it seems to me that you have traits of autism / aspergers.
I think for you a diagnosis is important. Maybe contact your local autism support centre to get the name of a doctor who is knowledgeable about aspergers. Other Australians on this site might be able to give advice in regard to helpful services in your area.

I agree with Lucie1 that you should get a diagnosis as then you can apply for help from a disability employment organisation who can negotiate things like working from home and adapting methods of work etc.

Also, it might be worth checking out disability employment law to see what adjustments you are entitled to in your work.

In the US, we have section 504 of the ADA law, but due process and other issues are not spelled out.  I found out that colleagues can be pretty mean without qualifying as discrimination.

Hi!  Welcome to the site.
I have a suggestion that was already touched on--start your own business.  I used to sit in jobs all day long, feeling so miserable.  I just cannot stand to be inside with no windows and that awful artificial lighting.  I also don't work well with others--I can only take so much social interaction in a day. But, I really like animals, so I started a pet sitting business.  That was 5 years ago...I own one of the busiest services in town now, and have three employees.  The point is, if you know what you really like, explore the "career" possibilities that may be available.  Look at Monsterjobs too, maybe.
And just breathe when it comes to your folks--mine don't accept my diagnosis, so I have drawn some lines with them, don't discuss it, and am trying to move on in the Aspie world.
Good luck!

my problem with work at this current moment is that my boss keeps scheduling me for days that I tell him im not available.

Wow April, you're amazing!!

Wow April, you're amazing!!
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Thank you, Janet! If you were here, you'd see my shy grin!