I personally think that whilst it is disloyal you are being a bit unreasonable. She openly admitted that she did it, thus assuming that you must be ok with that. You need to tell her that you dislike it but you also need to forgive her.
It has nothing to do with Autism
Oh, well that is different. Tell her to reduce the relationship to a friendship or else terminate it. Monitor her and especially her interactions with him. Express your hurt and tell her she has lost your trust. Make her tell you truthfully that she loves you. If she doesn't love you, kick her out. If she does, then you need to resolve this and repair the damage she has done to your relationship.
Of course, I am assuming that you love her.
i think it is unfair on you, but she did admit it to you in thinking that it was OK, but i think you were in the right there.
what is Cyber Sex by the way?? i'm not sure what it is.
Isn't it just a bit like using porn, but a bit more interactive?
Not really - there's real emotion involved in cybersex. I think it's one of those things where you have to decide how serious it is based on the situation.
Well if it makes you feel any better re using your AS as a defence for your apparent clouded judgement, I just asked my NT partner how she felt about it and she said she considers it a form of cheating.
Ultimately, if it meant nothing to her, why did she go to the bother of hiding it? Thats suspect in itself. I know that most people see it as just another form of masturbation - the way some people phone these live sex lines for a bit of interactive self-love. I don't know of anyone who would necessarily consider doing the latter cheating, but in some ways the two are kinda similar, if its just some random they met in a chatroom and won't see again. Masturbation is pretty strange in some people and whats seedy to someone else is perfectly ok to another. Ultimately whatever gets you off, gets you off.
However if its a guy that she knows and has regular contact with, then I think its fair to say that its crossed a boundary line most people in monogamous relationships don't find permissible. Just for the record, I wouldn't find even anonymous cybersex carried out by my partner permissible, and I'd tend to be with brownbeard and his reaction if she did it with someone she/I considered a friend.
If something really means nothing, then you don't make an effort to conceal. When I first started seeing my partner, in the first couple of weeks, I was at a party (drunk) and another girl kissed me, really randomly. Because I was caught off guard, I responded, realised what I'd done and removed myself from the situation immediately, including telling my partner. She wasn't impressed at all and I suppose quite jealous (understandably) but if I'd made an effort to conceal its happening she would have found out and it would have distorted her trust of me. I think being honest about something that really does mean nothing is quite easy (at least for me).
But from the other side of the fence, I kind of cheated on my ex (I'm not proud of it). We were in the process of breaking up because she was so controlling and so possessive that I had no room to breathe. I met someone who was a good friend in a similar kind of confused place as me, we totally hit it off (we're still very, very good friends now) but we stupidly got drunk one night and ended up sleeping together. Even though my ex and I were off and on, there was no way in hell I could have admitted that to my then-partner for fear of violence against me. In the end she did find out and beat the other girl up just because she could (this girl is tiny, you could break her in half if you hugged her too tight, and my ex is built like the proverbial brick outhouse). Needless to say, when I started seeing my current partner, even though this ex was long gone, I kept quiet about it for a very long time because of the risk of violence against her (even though I'd wager my current partner winning hands down out of sheer loathing for my ex, as well as having a good 4 inches on her height wise). I couldn't imagine cheating on my current partner, ever. I'd like to say its purely because I'm in love with her but I'd also wager its because I can be honest with her about things and her with me. I have no reason to either, from a purely physical point of view.
Every individual sees infidelity as something different - the old rhetoric about how males cheat for lust, females cheat for affection isn't just that easy. Unless she can explain to you why she did what she did, in a way that is viable and accepts her own responsibility in it, I'd personally cut my losses and run. No-one is made to cheat on their partner purely as a result of their own partner's faults or shortcomings - it may, reasonably, play a part in it (i.e. being accused of it so often and being so controlled made me think "to hell with it" when the instance arose for me), but it is by no means the sole causation. I could have easily said no when I was put in that position; could have easily walked away. I chose of my own free will to stay and do what I did. Thats the controversy about cheaters - they blame it on their partners and forget that if it had wholly been their partner's responsibility that they cheated, then their partner would know about it anyway.
I actually don't think cyber sex is the same at all as real sex. Yes, it can involve feelings, but it doesn't always have to. It can also just be words. I have tried it and it's basically just a bit of fun. Of course, my husband and I have already worked out our lines and rules for that sort of thing... but I just don't think cyber sex should be treated the same as physical cheating.
brown beard - you need to speak to your wife and explain to her that you are upset that she lied to you and that you feel hurt about her actions. I think it is possible to work through this though, but you do need to get her to understand that your hurt is legitimate. Talk to her about the limits you have for a relationship and what you consider cheating... maybe even talk to a relationship counsellor. If she is willing to listen to you and work with you on this I feel it is is an issue you can work through.
brown beard - it sounds to me like you two need to talk. Maybe that is only possible in a therapy session at the moment. You do need to ask her what her reasons were for doing it. I think the worst thing she did was lie to you... This does need to be a mutual thing - you need something from her that also shows that she respects you and is sorry for hurting you. I think the main thing that is a problem is that you said she had feelings for the guy on the internet, so that would make me say that she does need to not speak to him anymore.
I hope you can work it out. I want to say don't give up yet, particularly because you have a child. I hope you two can come to an understanding, particularly where she understands the boundaries in the relationship and that she must be honest.. It's hard to rebuild trust, but it can be done. Good luck.
brown beard - I feel for you and I think that any form of cheating (and it is cheating in a way) is horrid. BUT, and I ask this kindly, are you able to discuss sex and feelings with your wife. For us NTs talking is a big thing. My own AS husband has a tendency not to discuss these things finding it embarrrrassing and unnecessary. He has realised that I find his attitude hurtful but it took me a long time to get through to him. Could it be that your wife is missing that aspect of the relationship? If you can't talk can you put it in writing to her?
AS is a disability and as much as I'd like to say it doesn't matter, it does sometimes. I hope that no-one will take this as a criticism - it is not meant as such. In my own experience my husband finds it very difficult to realise how much talking means to me. Being NT I'm afraid I need praise, approval and even disapproval put into words. For me (and others like me) a lack of words can seem like a lack of caring. Cyber-sex is after all about words - there isn't physical contact. Maybe your wife has tried to communicate this and you haven't noticed. That doesn't mean it is your fault - just that there may have been a communication failure.
It is a wake-up call that all is not well, but I hope for all of your sakes you can try to discuss and find a way forward.
I just hope that the wife doesn't know where your friend lives tbh...
QD... tbh I'd think thats just someone trying to be nasty. I didn't even read the part about 'on this site'. I wouldn't worry too much until something actually happens because if nothing else its sheer spite to then come on here and boast about what they've done. Especially a first poster. It just sounds like some person playing silly buggers and having a good laugh about the whole thing.
You're a nice guy QD, you were one of the first to really welcome me here, I've never thought you come across as a sleaze or a cheat. If its all stopped, and in the past, then you took control of it yourself, not having it stopped for you because you got caught. You seem like a decent enough guy to say that it was wrong of you to do what you did and stop it before it went too far. I personally wouldn't think it right to stay friends with the woman in question but we're all different.
However if this is true and it pertains to you (neither of which I hope - or really believe - is true) then obviously your friend has been telling a few fibs about the nature of your friendship with her. I personally just think K...T is just a wind up merchant though.
Well K...T registered today so either its
a) a wind up merchant trying to get a rise out of someone, or
b) someone who joined this site and had to build up enough trust in someone who classes you as a friend in order to get your home address. So its a 'regular' poster who has done it.
If you're really concerned, I would PM EvilZ, Gareth or Amy because they will be able to compare IPs with K...T and whoever it is that has been using this forum (if b) is correct...I don't think it is). Whilst they can't do anything against the poster legally, I'd say that kind of scare tactic re 'I know where you live and I've sent a letter to your wife' is seriously worth having their backside hauled over the coals. Imo.
You are a good guy QD; you've done wrong yeah, but you did stop it. Not because you were getting caught but because you acknowledged your conduct was wrong for a married man still with his wife. Most people just do it until they get caught, then beg forgiveness.
However on any online community there is a certain amount of closeness between members and friendships are formed... and where friendships are formed, so can (and usually do) sexual/romantic offshoots. It doesn't take a genius troublemaker to go to an internet forum and say "there is a married man here who has been flirting with my friend" - because unfortunately, that kind of thing will go on anywhere, and someone, somewhere, will think 'oops... is that me?'. I'm pretty sure you won't be the only married guy who thinks 'oh... sh*t' - you've just reacted to it. Don't worry until you know 100% its something worth worrying about. I don't think it is; I think its a wind up.
Speak to the moderators/admin here QD... they can compare IPs etc.
But I really do think its just some slimeball sh*t-stirring at random.
I know you would be missed around here quickduck. I hope you reconsider. It seems like an unfortunate situation that has been blown out of proportion by a horrible person. What K...T did was just not right. I think everyone would agree that tampering in someone's private life like this is completely out of line.
I do hope to see you around here again soon QD. Take care.
YES! IT WAS VERY WRONG OF YOUR WIFE! Cyber Sex is sex, Even if she was admiring a picture of another guy that wasn't you, it's still wrong.