I can guess why you're so worried, I went through much the same things your child's going through right now. Overall, for me, in my opinion, mainstreaming was the best option, though I did have serious and harsh setbacks, especially due to bullying. A big problem is that other kids just don't understand your child, the way they act seems "weird" to them. They lash out at anyone who doesn't cluster into little cliques, and the younger they are, the harsher they can be, because they're ignorant that what they're doing is wrong. Bullying is one of the main obstacles for any kid with AS in public school.
Option one is a good option for later years. High school was heaven after elementary school hell.
I also think some people did stuff like annoyingly clear their throat around me once they knew I didn't like it.
You and erkolos are both right (to some extent). It is a vicious cycle - someone that is easily annoyed lets others know how to easily push their bottons. They become easy prey.
But (and I say this gently our of respect to you both), our son has then same pattern of personalizing non-personal things that my husband (undiagnosed Aspie) has. With time and age, my husband has realized that a great deal of what annoys him has nothing to do with other people trying to get a rise out of him, annoy him, or that it even has anything at all to do with him. But he certainly did not understand that at 8. He just punched anyone that he felt was bothering him. Our son is not (so far) a physical fighter - he just bottles it all up until later and then spews like a shaken soda pop.
Personally, I think that schooling is such a large part of a child's experience that a parent should do everything in their power to make it as positive as possible. Which, I realize, is easy for me to say, since my son is in a school that is working very well for him. BUT, that was not the case with his preschool, and that was not the case before his qualification for special education. Yes, kids can shut down or tune out or give up, and that is such a huge waste of potential, that I never want to get anywhere near that edge again.
The thing is, I now our kids CAN be happy in a school. Friends of ours achieved that by placing their daughter in a private special education school, others have achieved it by transfers among private or public schools. I know so many special needs kids that are THRIVING. My son is. It's been really cool how he has come into his own this year. He loves inventing, and he actually has a group of younger NT kids that I think of as groupies, constantly following him around asking to play whatever new game he may have invented that day. They so totally look up to him, and it is the cutest thing. He calls them his Beta testers. OK, lol, they try his patience, but he also knows it's a good thing with respect to his goals.
So .... why settle for something that clearly isn't right for your child? That squashes, instead of inspires? It's tough, I know it is, because the alternatives can be expensive and most of us don't have the resources to make the full range of choices accessible. We've been lucky, and I can only hope it stays that way.
Now, that doesn't mean that every school day is supposed to be smooth and easy. It isn't. It isn't that way for ANY child. But as a parent you can see the difference between total misery and normal frustration.
You work with the system for as long as is reasonable, until you feel that this is as good as it is going to get within that system, and then you look for a change. Transfer to another school, or try one of the other options you suggested. Personally, I would try another school first, before going to a home situation. While there are no guarantees it will be better, if it is, if you are lucky, then you will have a partner in your son's education, and that will take a lot of pressure off for both of you.
I can only wish you the best of luck, I know so many parents before you that have been in similar situations, and I hope it can be resolved in a way that works for everyone.
Thank you DW, I appreciate the support. You sound like you are coping with this much better than we are. My mom gut is telling me that the environment at the school just cannot be tweaked to the extent that might actually make it tolerable (much less enjoyable) for DS. I think it is just maturity. At 8 he is much better able to deal with many things that sent him over the edge at 3 or 4. And in a few years, he will be better able to deal with many of the things that are leaving him so stressed out now.
I take you point about working with the current school to reasonable limits and then making a change. I think we'll just have to explore both at once for now and see how it goes.
Lizmom... i am going through the exact same thing right now with my son. he's 11 & has not spent one day IN his actual classroom since the christmas break. i was just informed yesterday that he is drawing & creating poems that depict death, and blowing things up. i am so scared he's going to end up on the news one day. & i dont know what else to do either. the school seems to occasionally forget his diagnosis & doesnt understand that asking HIM if he WANTS to go to music/PE is not something HE can decide... if he is having trouble staying IN regular classes, why send him to the 2 classes that cause his day to spiral downward. especially when he's starting off pretty low in the first place. i honestly would love to pull him out of school too, and home school, but i'm a single mother of 3, and work full-time, and that is so totally not even remotely possible. i feel your pain!!