Aspies For Freedom

Mostly, I'm just fine being me.  I have good family relationships and a few friends who stick around despite the fact that I disappear frequently, for weeks or months at a time.  At work, I'm in an industry where half of my co-workers are so quirky or eccentric that my quirks and eccentricity blend in just fine.

I don't tell people I have Asperger's Syndrome, or an Autistic Spectrum Disorder or anything of the sort.  I am me.  Deal with it.  I can usually "pass" with people, thanks to years of trial and error experience, but mostly at work, I don't have to worry about it much, because as a university prof, it's okay to be a bit of a social freak, so long as I keep the grant money flowing and crank out the results of my research.  I do both without a problem, and thankfully, socially, most people just leave me alone, which is what I like, and in fact, what I need to get my work done.

Passing is important when it comes to the other side of my job, where I am not dealing with colleages, but adult students.  Last week, I made a class of fifty students I had never met before laugh out loud (in a good way, I assure you).  My sense of humour may be odd, but it is at least occassionally compatible with the rest of the world.  It is a very useful icebreaker, and I often see comments left by students at websites where professors are rated and commented upon, like, "I didn't know _(subject I teach)_ could be so much fun!  Take this class!"  

This is mostly because I don't have to make eye contact with 50-500 students in order to engage them in some sort of communication, and every lecture is planned and structured... by me.  So I'm comfortable.  Students who only encounter me in lecture typically like me, or so their feedback, official and unofficial, would suggest.

When students see me one-on-one, it's a different matter, especially when they show up unannounced.  I get utterly flustered when someone just drops in to my office.  There is a huge sign on my door that states that absolutely no student will be seen without an appointment, but it is ignored so often, it might as well not be there.  So when students ignore it, I tell them, "you need to make an appointment.  I'm busy and cannot see you now.  Sorry," in exactly those words, and they usually get the point.  Sometimes, I'm not busy, but I have a huge problem in accepting disruption of my schedule for the day.  It throws me off to the point where I often can't get back on track.  Occassionally, it genuinely distresses me past the point where I can cope sometimes.  

I have, on a few occassions, been so completely overwhelmed by a persistent student who can't take "no" for an answer that I have said, "GET OUT!" because I am so close to a nuclear scale meltdown that I can't manage more than two words.  Once (last month), I just got up and left the student standing there, because I could say nothing.  And then of course, that same student saw me going for a walk a few minutes later (as I tried to collect my head back together enough to go back to my office and work), and they were furious.

They complained to the Chair of my department that I had been rude and hostile towards them, and walked away from them for simply asking a question (persistently, after I told him I was busy), and had gone into detail about how this had upset them and how I should be fired, because obviously, if I had time to go for a walk, I had time to deal with their questions.  Of course, I didn't get fired, but I was at a loss for explaining myself to my boss.

He admitted to me that despite my excellent teaching record, I am largely regarded as unapproachable by students, not because of the sign on my door, as most profs have them, but because, and I quote, "you are a totally different person one on one than they expect to meet after they see you in lecture."  I make students uncomfortable when they discover I don't make eye contact with them (I "look through them"), never remember who they are, and appear insensitive to their personal problems, even though I am very helpful with solving those problems.  I am seen as a snob.

This bothers me at a personal level, because I do care what my reputuation is.  I want students to approach me (during my contact time) and I want to help them.  I also worry about advancement in my job, which is largely dependent on student feedback.  From the Chair's tone, I was left with the feeling that my current chances of advancement are nil, and will probably remain so.  

I don't want to be the person who goes around evoking disability and human rights acts, and I don't want to be the person who comes out of the blue with, "dear boss, I have Asperger's Syndrome.  Thought you ought to know.  Here's how it affects my job..." but I might have to, because the problems I have with facing students in person are not going to solve themselves overnight.

But, I'm afraid to admit that I have Asperger's to anyone, even if it is just one person who happens to be my boss.  I finally realised, I am... ashamed.  I don't want to be ashamed.  I want to be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished, and focus on all of the good things being an aspie has meant in my life and job.  My research is at the top of its field because I see things as obvious that others don't even think about.  My teaching is regarded as excellent because I teach in a way that other's don't.  But I can't deal with people properly, and that hurts a very real component of my job, and the people I want to help (students), and I have to face that - soon.  

What do I do?  This is driving me mad.

I like your user name - it brings back a nice memory.

Please don't feel shame - I know this is easier said than done - and I guess it is hard to admit to vulnerablities when working in such a responsible position. However no-one is perfect, along with your gifts I am sure you can accept some personal difficulties.
Energiea gives good advice - explain your specific difficulties without mentioning AS. Also another idea - could you add to your notice - a suggestion that your students email you with their issues and let them know you will get back to them promptly.
Welcome!

I asked a friend about this question yesterday, since he is a college professor. His answer was pretty much the same things as the comments of others in this thread. Being an Aspie should not need to be brought into it.  The policy is clearly stated and an undisciplined brat's sense of entitlement does not mean one has to change policies, especially if the policy is common for the other professors there.  In certain fields of study or research, a professor could be very occupied doing work in his head while he is out walking.

I asked my friend if locking the office door would be an okay option.  He said it depends on the culture of your department. Some departments have all doors closed even though people are in the offices and some leave all doors open even when nobody is there.

Do you have any staff working under you that could serve as a shield?  Many executives use a professional assistant to block people who have no appointment.

Welcome back MumofHrick - I hope Hrick will post again as well - I always enjoyed both of your posts - especially Hricks sound common sense.

From The Chronicle of Higher Education, October 14, 2005

A Secret Syndrome;  
Professors with a mild form of autism must decide whether to reveal their diagnosis
By MICHELLE DIAMENT

Article is at this link: http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/~haroldfs/540/...rgers.html

I think it is vitally important that the standards expected of students are explicit, and that the system is fair, with uniformly excellent standards of teaching, and where their tutors have a personal interest in helping them to do well. I think even in the UK where students have until 2 years ago enjoyed almost free tertiary education, students have a right to expect this much from the institution at least.  

Still, I don't think that is an issue in this particular situation. I don't think its necessarily the case that all students who drop in on you in your office are  being rude or demonstrating an explanation that you are there "on demand" for them. In universities a lot of the general rules and policies are very different to the rules people actually follow and this isn't just true for the students. Some rules are universally ignored, and people who routinely stick to them are ridiculed for failing to follow the convention that people generally don't. This is just the way society works, and people aren't necessarily being rude or inconsiderate in doing this. If other professors routinely open their doors to drop-in students, and you create the impression of being a professor who has a sense of humour and who would not stick rigidly to the rules, then you will create an expectation that you are flexible. Students can be genuinely upset when you are aggressive with them, depending on the sensitivity of the student. You do need to main a certain degree of professional rapport in order to teach students. It has nothing to do with being chummy with them, you just can't be aggressive and nasty and treat them as intrusions on your life.

The best way to deal with it would simply be to make sure you inform students that this is a rule you adhere strictly to, and that you do not take kindly to anyone flouting it, regardless of the policies other professors may take. And lock your door. I think telling anyone you have AS would open a bigger can of worms than is necessary to solve the problem.

My advice from a student's perspective. What subject do you teach?

What was aggressive about that post?

You.

I'm left wondering if this is a good nickname or not, I was thinking maybe I should change it at some point, but then older posts that quoted me would be confusing.

It's because of the pop-culture conglomerate attached to it...  it's almost like my posts can't be taken seriously for that reason.  I should have come up with something more original when I first joined the site.

This thread has been de-railed so far and so many times...

I don't know. It seemed pretty much okay to me and certainly quite toned-down compared to the posts Zakkie quoted.

She actually wasn't saying anything particularly inflammatory this time.

I kept trying to respond to everyone here, but with every attempt, it seemed I'd write half a novel, decide it was too much, and then delete it all and try to start over again.

I realise I didn't make myself very clear in my original post.  I forgot to mention that I have three scheduled hour-long sessions of contact time for students to drop in, and students can e-mail me any time, so it is only those who drop in outside of that time that I have problems with.  These three hours are in fact 3 times the contact hours I am required to have for the class.  Since my contact hours are carefully scheduled not to conflict with the times of other classes in the same discipline and at the same grade level as the course I teach, it really irks me that some people feel that any old time is good, and don't (can't) realise that the four or five interruptions I experience each day make the non-teaching aspects of my job extremely difficult.

My students are made well aware of my contact hours and e-mail.  I post them several times each term: in the first four lectures, twice before the midterm, twice before the final.  It is outside of those times that my students are required to make an appointment.  The sign on my door lists my contact hours, and then reads "outside of the above times, any student wishing to see Professor ***** must schedule an appointment by e-mail.  Urgent matters excepted," and below that is my e-mail address.

I really don't think this is unreasonable, and if anything, it goes above and beyond the efforts to be available to students expected of faculty.

I spoke with the Chair again after my original post, and he told me not to worry too much.  He admitted to exaggerating the extent of the problem, and that what he was trying to tell me was that the majority of the negative feedback I have received, which itself is a minority, is almost always concerning approachability.  My feedback is still over 90% positive.  Geez, he could have told me that in the first place and saved me a few weeks of total despair.

That said, some of the responses here really made me stop and think.  I really wish I could be that easy-going professor who can take the time to talk to any student, at any time, but AS aside, even the contract I have with one of my funding agencies sets a ceiling limit on the work hours I can devote to undergraduate teaching related issues (it's 20%).  I can't have an open door (figuratively speaking), but I realise that I need to totally change how I deal with the issue of unexpected interruptions.  I really don't want to scare students off.

At the office where I work, often clients who seek our advice turn up unexpectedly. Fortunately, they have to see our secretary first, so I have time to "collect my thoughts" before I have to deal with them.

I'd try to 'fake' eye contact (look away from time to time), they'll probably never get it. Our you could (pretend to) look through their file(s)/paper(s)/whatever you're talking about so you have an excuse not to look at their faces (print out their email where they've stated what they want). Or you could take notes, so you can just look at your pen.
Being confrontend with someone 'distracted' is better than with someone who 'looks through' or 'stares', from the students' point of view. Their brain is hardwired to make them feel they're going to be eaten if you just stare at them.