Aspies For Freedom

Self-help means able to help yourself, so I encourage the children to do for themselves.  Today that meant another broken jelly jar on the kitchen floor.  Broken jelly jars are such a nasty clean up, and far too dangerous for me to just tell the 7 or 9-year-old to do it.  But the boy wanted peanut butter and jelly and a 9-year-old should be able to manage that -- and he never will if he never does.

I always remain calm.  There is never anger or reprimand. I don't pretend that I like it, of course, but tell him that accidents happen.  Then we review how one must hold onto the jar with one hand while putting the lid back on with the other.  This can be tricky for him. He often misjudges how hard or soft his grip is, and I tell him to hold the jar very firmly. Hurrah! the peanut butter jar does not join the jelly jar on the floor.

I believe that the only way a child learns to help themselves is to be allowed to help themselves.  I've cleaned up a lot of messes that could have been avoided had I simply done the task or hovered around the child.  Mommy won't always be there, though.  Perhaps we will go through $100 worth of broken jelly, but this will be learned.  *sigh*

And sometimes I am asked to do things that they find difficult and I refuse. I tell them that I need to see them try their very best.  Sometimes they cry about it, but usually they ultimately succeed and then they are so happy it is like angels are in our house.

I was also a child prone to accidents. It was neither carelessness nor clumsiness, but a process of learning how to negotiate the world.  So I try not to feel exasperated .... or when feeling it, I try not to let it show. I know how horrible it is to be yelled at or punished when you've simply misjudged something. And I know that it gets better as the years pass.  Practice makes almost perfect.

And so I let them practice, and then we practice some more. And I try not to be angry when, even though my tree-hugger heart cringes at it, the restaurant serves the children with styrofoam cups and he squeezes it too hard and there is sugary beverage all over the table and the floor and the child. But sometimes I am just so tired and my disappointment shows. "Oh, no," I say and I can hear the exasperation in my voice and he starts to cry and then I am angry at myself.

I don't know why I wanted to share this. I don't know why it is so long or if it makes sense. Maybe I just hope there is somebody out there who understands.

I understand Grizeldatee.  I get angry sometimes at my boy for things that don't really matter, like all the mess.  It's the tiredness that gets me, but then I feel horrendously guilty seeing his sad little face.

I've only been thinking just this week about encouraging him to be more independant and teaching him how to survive.  He is keen to do more too.  He wanted to make me breakfast the other day so I let him, I bit my tongue when I saw all the spilt juice and smiled at him when chomping my way through the toast laden with inch thick butter but it was worth it to see his happy face and see him learning how to do things for himself.

Mom let me make spaghetti the first time by putting in the noodles before boiling the water.
I guess we must have had plenty of noodles so I could learn from experience/mistakes, because I never did it again.

I think I did a better job with pizza from a Chef Boyardee mix, hamburgers, fried chicken, beef stroganoff, chocolate chip cookies from scratch, or something odd from a cookbook.

I heartily agree with the whole self-help thing. To the extent that, when any of my children/grandchildren ever tried to wriggle out of a chore by deliberately doing it badly, I told them that they obviously needed more practice and made them take a sibling's turn too for a week. They didn't pull that stunt too often!

It paid off in dividends when they went into college/apprenticeship/university (the older three, that is - my youngest are still at the "I can't do that" stage, with the extra chores...) and enabled them to feel great self-esteem when they were the only ones in their dorms who could cook, clean, shop, do laundry etc. My eldest teamed up with the only other lad in his dorm who could cook, and the two of them prepared everyone's meals - with ingredients that everyone else bought - and saved themselves a fortune!

Can you get jelly in plastic jars?  Or scoop it out of the glass it comes in, into a plastic jar?   Then he can practice with gay abandon and not waste too much food.

He'll get it.  Eventually.  And when he does, there'll be dancing in the streets.

Good call about the plastic jars, I think. And the dancing in the streets!

Grizeldatee-I always like your posts and especially this thread.
You sound like a great Mom and teacher.
I find it difficult sometimes to stay focused and calm when things go wrong but I try and mostly succeed. My son is learning that even Moms have feelings, that adults make mistakes too and can say sorry as well.
In any case most of the time we can even laugh about any messes(eventually)
They actually bother my husband more-ie if something is spilled on a rug...really, it's just a rug.
My son learns the vocabulary to go with it all: accidents happen-go with the flow-just do my best-no one is perfect.. etc. So yeah, it is all about practice and letting him do it. Over and over.

I think back 5 years when my son was 8 and he had no desire to TRY to do anything for himself. There were lots of other issues. (I pulled him from public school etc...)
He now wants to try to do things on his own.  He says things like "Now I am getting a little older and it shows that I am more mature" when he tries and succeeds when doing things independently.
Amazing when I think of how far he has come.

Of course, I have had to let go.. and let him too, which is sometimes a bit hard for me. Not because I don't want a mess, but because I want everything right for him, and I have my own little routines/ rituals too which seemingly lessen my own anxiety about things.
But it was a good reminder for me, this thread, because I won't always be around for him... and I do want him to be and to feel able and not helpless in the world.

Oh I just flashed back on a funny memory of an ex boyfriend asking me to tie a chicken onto a BBQ spit-and I had NO idea how to even begin this task. I can still see that raw and slimy chicken in the sink and this white string and still remember the panic of not knowing how to do it. I still don't

What sort of boyfriend asks you to tie a chicken to a BBQ spit?!?!  Isn't the whole BBQ thing some big masculine hunter-gatherer thing for him to prove HE can do all that stuff?

Plastic jars are a Godsend.   I don't tend to actually drop them so much as misjudge the distance between bench and hand and let go too soon, or my special trick, to misjudge whether an object will fit in a certain spot in the fridge, try to push it in, and it's too big and pushes something else out!  

I did a quick stocktake of my pantry, and I've got honey, syrup, salad dressings, peanut paste and lots of random Asian style condiments all in plastic.  Ironically, the only thing that WAS still in glass was the jam.  Maybe because it's so hot when it gets bottled.  Looks like it might be a case of saving the empty plastic jar from something else and tipping it over.

Putting everything in plastic is a good suggestion.

Plastic is less slippery and not as heavy so it is less likely to get dropped in the first place.

But may I suggest that, if you transfer jam, you then store it in the fridge? The plastic jar cannot be heat-sterilised and jam goes mouldy really quickly once removed from its original jar.

Thank you for all these wonderful responses. I am a generally strong person, but somehow the jelly jar just put me in a glum, needy frame of mind.  I am feeling validated and a little embarrassed, but, oh, so grateful for my wonderful cyber friends.

I will need to think about transferring to plastic.  In a way it almost seems like either (a) letting him off the hook or (b) communicating that I lack confidence in him.  I really try not to arrange their worlds for them, try to butt in only when they are physically or morally threatened.  If we have a few more jars go down, I will definitely need to reconsider this position.  

It is hard to let go, Mahler, that is certain.  We push with one hand and hold on with the other, don't we? Silly, silly mommies.

If he has problems with grip (I do) it is not 'giving in' to make things a little easier. Sometimes just a pair of marigolds (heavy-duty rubber gloves) are necessary - would anyone wash up fine china without them? Of course not, they are slippery and fragile and you need the extra grip. Why not take him to the shop to choose his own pair specially for opening jars? I cannot open jars without mine.

I wouldn't expect my spectacle-wearing son to manage without his glasses, and sometimes his brother cannot walk without a stick when his knees swell. My daughter needs vitamin B12 injections for her pernicious anæmia and I won't list all the aids and medications that I need to get through the day.

It is not laziness to need extra help, think of it as levelling the playing field for someone who is starting out at a disadvantage.

Sorry, just remembered something that we have been doing for so long that I had completely forgotten that it ever needed to be thought about - it has been a rule in our house that jars and bottles etc. are carried over to the counter and placed there before opening, are never carried open, and the lid replaced immediately after use.

I must have, at some time in the dim and distant past, had exactly the same problem as you. My eldest is 26, so it was a very long time ago!

I think you have to hit that zone where you're letting the child have just enough help so that he learns enough that he needs less help next time. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, hovering doesn't do much; it just kind of means you're doing it for him; but neither does letting him at it without any instruction whatsoever, because that just results in frustration.

I know everyone has mentioned plastic already, but I know that one of the jelly manufacturers makes a squeezble variety... he might enjoy it if he likes squeezing things, though if he's having trouble knowing how much is too much pressure it could frusterate him more...

of course, that's assuming that you're okay with the 100% sugar variety...

You have actually really inspired me on this in a lot of ways. I've been going overboard lately on the 'mommy do its' lately. Granted we're in a wierd way right now, but a 5YO should be able to button her own pants...

You're an awesome mom, griz, and a great friend. Here's to another broken jam jar towards independence.

We buy organic, but there is no reason it couldn't be put into either plastic or squeezable -- or maybe both. I'm mulling it. I bought a narrower jar this time and maybe that in itself will be enough since his hand will wrap around it.  I think your rule is a good one Tigger, maybe the table rather than the counter since the table is lower.  

I've never heard of marigolds, but then I'm not exactly a "fine china" kinda gal. I think that if I had fine china I would use it all the time and if it broke, then it broke.  I did not attempt to acquire Granny's antiques and china when she died for just this reason -- the rest of my family would be appalled that I actually used it. I don't want something I can't use.

sarah, both my 7-year-old and my 9-year-old are still challenged by buttons.  The 9-year-old can get most of them, but sometimes they are pretty stiff.  I make them try their best unless we are in a big hurry, but if the fine motor or finger strength is wanting a little help is often needed.  We have friends whose middle school children still have trouble with this sometimes (so they wear a lot of elastic pants).  And they are not on the spectrum, so *shrugs*

Funny story -- I thought that our youngest had finally mastered buttoning and unbuttoning her pants and then realized that she was wiggling in and out of her pants without unbuttoning them.  She is a skinny child.

Depends how big the buttons are and how many, but I think a fair few 5 year olds would struggle with doing up bottons. Pull up pants with elasticated waists or half-waists might be easier to manage but only if the elastic is soft and doesn't cut into her skin.

I'm not too keen on having broken jars etc happen because almost invariably a sliver gets missed and I step on it! Things taste and keep better in glass jars but one way to minimise the possibility of an accident is to buy smaller sizes. It is the large heavy economy size jars that are most likely to be dropped and broken.