Aspies For Freedom

Not if they're funny.

The pinnacle of speed = drawing back a wet fart just before it stains your pants.

I used to work in an area where we had to deal with forms that included, among other things, our clients' occupations.

Some of the ones I came across included:
"Pizza Driver" - the mental image of a person driving a giant pizza with wheels was so droll!
"Manmanager" - Logical I suppose if it were an all-male workplace.
"Mother Hold" - I guess all mothers need to be held sometimes.
"Front Desk" - This person must have really felt they were part of the furniture.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

*

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

*

Link (more jokes): http://www.radarheinrich.de/wbblite/thre...754&page=2

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this
time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this family."

OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,
the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and
an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in
the Riviera and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"



Link: http://www.radarheinrich.de/wbblite/thre...754&page=2

Q: Why did the blonde throw bread into the toilet bowl?
A: She wanted to feed the toilet duck.

Light bulb jokes:

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Toast.

For the Trek fans:

Q: How many "Star Trek: Enterprise" fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four: one to actually change the light bulb, and three to stand around talking about how much better they did it on the original series.

Quote of Eleanor Roosevelt

“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’.”

Keats & Chapman was teleported to the near future, ie some years ago. Keats, as always interested in the current affairs, plowed through stacks of newspapers day in and day out until Chapman got tired of it and started rambling about being miserable and he went on and on until Keats heated up and threw a newspaper article at him that happened to be about a very famous author who'd been condemned to death by a foreign regime for something that he'd written. Chapman grabbed the paper and read aloud; "Mr Salman Rushdie has had a fatwa put upon his person that says that any good man who ends said persons life will be greatly rewarded and..." What did you say?" Keats gasped in disbelief and continued, "That fellow better rush die!" so that our poor Chapman, on the verge of tears, dropped the paper and totally lost his marbles.

I think I understand ^ one, but I might be wrong...

Osborn is out walking when he encounters Kal sitting on the pavement, scratching his head, looking confused. In his lap are a big cardboard box. Osborn stops to ask what's missing. Kal answers; "I've just find this box here and I thought I could deliver it to its right owner but, er, well Partille (a part of Gothenburg that everybody in their sane mind knows about), I know were that is, but this Fragile...

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

... took me a few moments to understand "Barley".

-"There you go!!!"

"Farmers are experts in their field."

Found this one in a book.

In desperation, the young bride finally took pen in hand and wrote to Xaviera Hollander: I'm married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love to me all night long--while I'm in the shower, while I'm cooking breakfast, while I'm making the beds, and even while I'm trying to clean the house. Can you tell me what to do?

Signed, Worn Out

P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting.

I got lost there a while!!! Fun!!! Definitely a Dynamite Link!!!