Aspies For Freedom

Not if they're funny.

The pinnacle of speed = drawing back a wet fart just before it stains your pants.

I'm sorry, Erkolos! This is the only joke I can think of.

Why do all Norwegian schoolteachers have bumps and sores in the back of the head? Every time they drink water the toilet seat hits them.

Some of my favourites :

William Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord shouts "get out, you're barred"

A man goes to the doctor with a steering wheel stuck down his underpants and the doctor says what appears to be the problem and the man says "it's driving me nuts"

I went into the butchers the other day and I said to him what happenned to your assistant and he said "I sacked him" and I asked why and he said "He was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer" and I said what happenned to your bacon slicer and he said "I sacked her as well"

I rang up my takeaway the other day and I said do you deliver and they said "No but we do chicken beef and pork"

I went in the pub the other day and there was a bowl of peanuts on the bar and it said to me "you're nice looking". I walked pas the cigarette machine and it said "you're an ugly bastard" so I found the landlord and asked what was going on and he said "the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order"

A man walked into a bar. It hurt

A horse walked into a pub ordered a drink and sat there looking really miserable and the landlord said "what's with the long face?"

A bear walked into a pub and said "i'll have a beer................                                  ............and a packet of crisps" and the landlord said "What's with the big pause"

One of my first jobs was in an orange factory and the foreman said go over there and take the pith out of them oranges so I said "call yourself and orange, i've seen bigger clementines"

A panda goes into a bar orders a drink and asks for a sandwich which the landlord gets him. As soon as he has finished eating it jumps up onto the bar, gets out his panda willy and masterbates on the bar. Next thing you know it's walked back out. Confused the landlord get's his encyclopeadia out and looks up pandas to find "eats shoots and leaves"

That's it for now.

An alarmingly drunken drunk wanders into a bar, picks up a dart, throws it and hits the bulls eye. The bartender says to the guy that everyone who does that gets a gift and proceed to give him a pet turtle. The drunk wanders away. A few weeks later the drunken drunk comes back, picks up a dart, throws it and hits the bulls eye again. The bartender says to the guy that everyone who does that gets a gift and proceed to give him a teddy bear. The drunk looks at the teddy bear, shakes his head and says, "what's this? I want the same thing I got last time". The bartender replies. "Can't go around remembering things like that. What was it you got?" The drunk sways a little before he replies; "It was a ham on rye sandwich."

Walking down the road the other day this bloke comes up to me, I say, how you doing mate? "Well, I just got back from Nam." What do you mean, Viet Nam? "No, Cheltenham!"

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The landlord, sensing a crafty chance to make some money says that will be £2.50 please and the horse gives him a £10 note. The landlord returns and says there you go, £2.50 change. A few minutes later he wanders back over and says to the horse, "excuse me but we don't get many horses in here" and the horse replies "at £7.50 a pint i'm not surprised"

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

What do you calla woman with slates on her head?
Ruth

What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
Edward

What do you call a man with 2 planks on his head?
Edward Woodward

I went in ASDA the other day and there was this blind man there. All of a sudden he picked up his guide dog and started swinging it above his head. Startled, I asked him what he was doing and he replied "just having a look around"

2 insects came flying and landed side by side on a heap of cow dung.
-"hey, don't step on the food!"

I don't get it. But the mathematician has a poor imagination. Only six combos but maybe he's gay and the others aren't so that's why he can't see beyond that (or one of the women is gay). There ought to be at least nine combos. Maybe as many as sevenhundred and twenty???

Oowo... I remember a birthday in the early 70ies when I met the neighbors daughter (4 or 5 yo) and said "Look! Badgers." pointing somewhere. And she got absolutely hysterical, screaming and weeping, and running home. Her dad was MAD at me about that...

If you see someone handling some old electrical wiring you can gasp "look out, there might be some old electricity left in it."

Keats & Chapman was teleported to the near future, ie some years ago. Keats, as always interested in the current affairs, plowed through stacks of newspapers day in and day out until Chapman got tired of it and started rambling about being miserable and he went on and on until Keats heated up and threw a newspaper article at him that happened to be about a very famous author who'd been condemned to death by a foreign regime for something that he'd written. Chapman grabbed the paper and read aloud; "Mr Salman Rushdie has had a fatwa put upon his person that says that any good man who ends said persons life will be greatly rewarded and..." What did you say?" Keats gasped in disbelief and continued, "That fellow better rush die!" so that our poor Chapman, on the verge of tears, dropped the paper and totally lost his marbles.

I think I understand ^ one, but I might be wrong...

Osborn is out walking when he encounters Kal sitting on the pavement, scratching his head, looking confused. In his lap are a big cardboard box. Osborn stops to ask what's missing. Kal answers; "I've just find this box here and I thought I could deliver it to its right owner but, er, well Partille (a part of Gothenburg that everybody in their sane mind knows about), I know were that is, but this Fragile...

... took me a few moments to understand "Barley".

-"There you go!!!"

^ Very funny quotes. thanks WFM.