Aspies For Freedom

Hmm... Sounds like your friends and relatives need to lighten up.


Another one... (I used to tell this to passengers on the airport shuttle and see how far in they really believed it.)

Have you heard that the government has been thinking of changing the driving rules from left hand to right hand side of the road? But they think it might be a little too much for people to handle. So, what they thought they would do will be to make it gradual and give people time to get used to it.

On Monday, they're going to switch over the trucks.

On Tuesday, they're going to switch over the buses.

On Wednesday, they're going to switch over the taxis.

On Thursday, they're going to switch over the cars.

This means that by Friday, they will have made for a much more gradual and therefore smoother transition...

Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.

Two jokes.

Joke #1


MAN: God, is it true that to you a million years is but a second?
GOD: Yes, my child.
MAN: So, is it true that to you a million dollars is but a penny?
GOD: Yes, my child.
MAN: Can I have a penny?
GOD: Sure. Just a second.

Joke #2

A Buddhist monk goes up to a hot dog stand, and says "Make me one with everything."

Joke#2.5

He hands the hot dog vendor a ten dollar bill, and asks for his change. The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within"

Man under a car: Jack

Retired grave-digger: Doug

Retired grave-digger with no shovel: Douglas. (Dug-less)

What do you call an Italian suppository? Inuendo.

A doctor is walking along the hospital corridor, and a nurse comes up to him. She says, "Doctor, why do you have a suppository behind your ear?" and the doctor says, "Oh no! What did I do with that pencil?"

And finally...

A man is running going for a jog when he finds a tennis ball on the road. Ooh, he thinks to himself. That could come in handy. So he picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
Soon he is joined by a friend, who starts jogging with him. As they continue down the road, talking about the weather and friends and other stuff like that, she keeps on glancing down at his pocket.
Finally, she can contain herself no longer. "What's that in your pocket?" she asks.
The man is a little puffed by this stage (he has been jogging much longer than she has) so he simply says, "Tennis ball."
"Oh you poor thing," she says, with a look of profound sympathy. "I had tennis elbow once, and it was so painful."

What's big and yellow and looks like a bucket?
A big yellow bucket.

What's big and yellow and doesn't look like a bucket?
A big yellow bucket in disguise.

What's big and green and looks like a bucket?
A big yellow bucket painted green.

"LETS GO RIDE BIKES"

( i love that answer for that particular joke :p)

ok:
a white, balck, and chinese guy are racing camels acrossed the dessert, win their camel has to make it all the way without pooping. So the white and black guy make it half way or whatever and their camel poops. But the chinese guy make it ALL the way without the camel pooping, and the reporter asked "how on earth did you do it?!" and he replied,
"me chinese, me not dumb, me stick cork up camel's bum, camel go PFFTT! i go WEE!!! thats how i get back you see"

Q. How many women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Well how should I bloody well know?!

hehe to all the above!

The following are apparently true stories, rather than jokes, but still amusing.


President Coolidge was visiting a chicken farm with his wife (while on tour) During that time, the tour guide happened to mention to Mrs Coolidge that the average rooster would mate several times a day.

"Tell that to the President," said Mrs Coolidge with a faraway look in her eye.

When the tour guide told the same thing to President Coolidge, he paused for a moment, and then asked, "Is it always with the same hen?"

"No," said the tour guide. "It is always with different hens."

"Tell that to Mrs Coolidge," said the President.


The former French president was looking to settle in America, and at an interview, he was asked what he was wanting from the move.

Considering this, the ex-president replied, "A penis"

In the silence that followed, his wife leant across and whispered in his ear, "My dear. I think in this country, they call it 'ha-ppiness'."

(Not a true story)

Little Johnny was learning in history about the American presidents. He heard the story about how George Washington, when he was young, was chopping down a cherry tree and his father said, "Well at least you told the truth, and I'm proud of you for that."

When he got home, little Johnny was playing with the tractor, and accidentally knocked over the family outhouse. His father came storming inside, and said, "Who knocked over the bloody toilet?"

"I cannot tell a lie," said little Johnny. "I did it with the tractor."

Johnny's father immediately took him over his knee and gave him a whalloping. Crying, Little Johnny wailed, "But Dad. That's not fair. In History today the teacher said that George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, and his father forgave him because he told the truth!!!"

"Maybe so!" replied his father. "But I bet George Washington's dad wasn't sitting in the cherry tree at the time!"

Good one!

A bear goes into a bar in Boise, Idaho and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise". The bear says, "oh, come on, I'll pay." The bartender stands firm, saying, "I'm sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise". This goes on for a while. Finally, the bear says, "Look, if you don't give me a beer, I'm just gonna have to eat that woman over there in the corner". The bartender says "Okay, because we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise". The bear eats the woman in the corner, and comes back, and says "Now can I have a beer?".
The bartender says, "Get out of my bar, you drug addict!" The bear says, "What do you mean?"
The bartender replies,

"The was a bar-bitch-you-ate"

That's not what I meant at all!!!

I did like your one about "how many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb" because I used to go to choral events and sing... soprano. hehe.

On the relationships of choristers:

(This is -- for the most part -- true.)

Altos tend to sleep with basses (and vice versa)

Sopranos get a crush on the conductor

...And tenors fall for tenors.

An old man went to the doctor and said, "I'm getting stomach pains."

So the doctor suggested that he should try drinking warm water an hour before breakfast every morning.

Two weeks later, the same man returned to the doctor.

"Are you feeling any better?" the doctor asked.

"No," said the old man. "Not really."

"Oh? Have you been drinking warm water an hour before breakfast like I suggested?"

"Well, not really," said the old man. "I tried, but I was only able to managed the first fifteen minutes."

How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke his eyes out.

SAVE TREES. EAT MORE BEAVERS.

PRESERVE WILDLIFE. PICKLE A SQUIRREL TODAY!

well in real life coach Lloyed Carr retired from the U-M football team and were trying to get this new coach name Less Miles so theres a saying thats going around :

"we need to trade in our old Carr for someone with Less Miles"

LMFAO!!!

What is the opposite of a hindu?

A hindon't.