Planet Louise - loved your post...
I do not think I saw this one on here....forgive me if I missed it.
HOW MANY MEMBERS OF THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION ARE NEEDED TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
THE ANSWER IS TEN:
1. ONE TO DENY THAT A LIGHT BULB NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.
2. ONE TO ATTACK THE PATRIOTISM OF ANYONE WHO SAYS THE LIGHT BULB NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.
3. ONE TO BLAME CLINTON FOR BURNING OUT THE BULB.
4. ONE TO REVERSE THE ORIGINAL POSITION AND THEN TELL EVERYONE THAT THEY ARE EITHER "FOR CHANGING THE BULB" OR "FOR DARKNESS."
5. ONE TO GIVE A BILLION DOLLAR NO-BID CONTRACT TO HALIBURTON TO CHANGE THE BULB.
6. ONE TO ARRANGE A PHOTO OF BUSH (DRESSED AS A JANITOR) STANDING ON A STEPLADDER UNDER THE BANNER "LIGHT BULB CHANGE ACCOMPLISHED!"
7. ONE ADMINISTRATION INSIDER TO RESIGN AND WRITE A BOOK DOCUMENTING THE FACT THAT THE PHOTO WAS TAKEN BEFORE THE CHANGE WAS COMPLETE AND THAT BUSH WAS LITERALLY "IN THE DARK."
8. ONE TO VICIOUSLY SMEAR #7.
9. ONE TO IMPLY THAT BUSH WAS CHOSEN BY GOD TO CHANGE ALL LIGHT BULBS.
10. AND FINALLY, ONE TO CONFUSE AMERICANS ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SCREWING A LIGHT BULB AND SCREWING A NATION.
Q. What do you get when a piano falls on a Morris Minor?
A. A flat Minor
Q. What do you get when a piano falls on an army General.
A. A flat Major
Sorry, but I am about to post a long one -it's for you guys who receive alot of forwarded "joke emails"... (I get alot)
A BIG THANK YOU from me!
>
> I just want to thank all of you for your educational
> emails over the past year. Thanks to you,
>
> I no longer open a public bathroom door without
> using a paper towel.
> I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
> don't know what the last person was doing while
> flipping through the movie channels.
> I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I
> can only imagine what has happened on it since it
> was last washed.
> I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my
> seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found
> to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has
> been driving because the number one pass-time while
> driving alone is pick ing your nose - although cell
> phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
> Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip
> because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans
> fats I have consumed over the years.
> I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
> placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
> I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the
> one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I
> now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope
> that needs sealing.
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
> open for the same reason.
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
> sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
> hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will
> change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
> Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
> partici pating in their special e-mail program.
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have
> 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's
> novena has granted my every wish.
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
> actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
> feathers.
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
> though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
> get answered if I forward an email to seven of my
> friends and make a wish within five minutes.
> Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
> because it can remove toilet stains.
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone
> along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
> crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the
> people who make these products are atheists who> refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
> it causes cancer.
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
> water in the microwave anymore because it will blow
> up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
> because I could be pricked with a needle infected
> with AIDS.
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
> will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
> they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
> don't support our American troops or the Salvation
> Army.
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will
> ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone
> bill with CALLS TO Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
> Uzbekistan .
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
> since I now have their recipe.
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
> because a big brown African spider is lurking under
> the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
> butt.
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick
> up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it
> probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
> underneath my car to grab my leg.
> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
> from certain gas companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
> diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow
> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
> your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
> this will occur because it actually happened to a
> friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
> second husband's cousin's beautician...
>
> Have a wonderful day...Oh, by the way.....A German
> scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
> has discovered that people with insufficient brain
> activity read their e-mail with their hand on the
> mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too
late
The MArty Moose on Utube was really funny@
The MArty Moose on Utube was really funny@
Thanks
German jokes:
Fritzchen and his grandma walk down the pavement. Fritzchen finds a 10 Pfennig coin, but his grandma intervenes: "No, don't pick up anything lying on the ground!" Soon afterwards Fritzchen finds an 10 Mark note, but again his grandma states "No, don't pick up anything lying on the ground!" Soon again there is a banana lying on the pavement, grandma steps on it and slips off. "Help me, Fritzchen!", she cries, but Fritzchen says: "No, don't pick up anything lying on the ground!"
Three in a room and one is working, what's that? - Two officials and a fan. [Mechanical fan.]
How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it.
Honecker meets Mao and asks him: "How many political opponents do you have in China?" Mao: "I estimate about 17 million." Honecker: "Oh, that's pretty much the same here." (The GDR had 17 million inhabitants)
What do you get when you cross an Ossi with a Wessi? An arrogant unemployed person.
... No offence intended with these jokes. 
^ Yes, actually. XD I just didn't feel like posting it...
now are you an aussie, an ossie or a wessie?
Me?
I'm a boring old Aussie.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, a real mans not afrade of the dark.
Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
Because theres twenty of them.
Three teachers walked into a bar, you think one would have seen it.
now are you an aussie, an ossie or a wessie?
Me?
I'm a boring old Aussie.
I didn't ask about your age
Actually, that wasn't my age. I was being... generic? Meh.
Spare a thought for us in OZ if USA is $4.11 per gallon, Ours is $6.72 per (imp) Gallon. ($1.60 / L) 50% more. England / Europe well, outrageous.
Roll on EV with solar / wind home charging.
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