I have got to admit, the jokes are funny.
Child: Mummy Mummy, what's a lesbian?
Mother: Ask your Father- she'll know.
An aspie walks into a bar- "Ouch" he says.
What do you call a chav in a posh house?
A burglar.
Following Nemidaelius' lightbulb trend:
How many chavs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten- one to screw in the lightbulb and nine to stand behind him looking tough.
How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One will do- you just have have to explain to him what a lightbulb is and how it works.
How many punks does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
One should be sufficient- now all you have to do is convince him it's a good idea. Good luck- and here's your full body armour.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It doesn't- they're too depressed to be bothered by lightbulbs.
How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five hundred- one to take the lightbulb out, four hundred and ninety-nine to campaign against him putting a new one in.
Another one:
How many gansta rappers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You could get five-thousand by drawing on a pair of tits- they'll screw anything with those.
What do you call a Mexican with three eyes?
An Ay-Yi-Yi!
How many ADHD ppl does it take to change a lightbulb?
ummm, we already broke all the lightbulbs...
ADHD people don't break light bulbs...?
Anyway, here is a similar one:
Q: How many ADHDers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Wanna go bike riding?
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
Don't Read if you are under 14!!!!
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Nice to see you told us half way through the joke. Hahaha. Luckily I am 14 anyway.
Why did the first Sealion fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second Sealion fall out?
He was attached to the first Sealion
Why did the thrid Sealion fall out of tree?
He thought it was a game.
Why did the tree fall over?
It though it was a Sealion.
Q: How many surrealist artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to take the old lightbulb out, one to replace it with a daffodil, One to water the daffodil, Two to turn the giraffe around and another to add a half used bog roll to give the thing a core earthy look.
Q: How many New Labour politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eleven. One to tell the public that the lightbulb's changing will go ahead in order to better the country, One to say that the lightbulb shouldn't be changed because of all the people who prefer to sit in the dark, Two to introduce lightbulb tax as lightbulbs are a horrific economy drain, One to see how the Americans deal with lightbulbs and copy them even though their method is crap, One to throw a strop and resign, and Five to decide that the only way to sove the problem is to ban lightbulbs altogether.
Five Types of Forum Posters
Hijacker: 'Topic' is not a word this person knows. They will come into a thread about, say, the government, and will do one of two things. Some hijackers will personally address another forum member in a manner such as 'Hi Bob34, how was Venice?', and the two of them will end up in a lengthy discussion about cats, jobs, children, partners, colonic irrigation... anything really. These two posters, enganged in their own private coffee mornng, will fail to notice other posters smoking at the ears, trying to continue their discussion around the torrent of trivialness and in-jokes.
The other sort are more deadly, as they come in cliques, stay longer and are harder to work round. With them, all a descend into random mayhem takes in one, seemingly innocuous, ever-so-slightly-irrelevant post, because a quick mention of curtains, wedding or annoying great aunts can be built on, and soon the thread is in ruins, full of stage-direction posts, in-jokes, surrealism and eal life simulation such as 'I'm over here!' or 'Qucik! Susie£££! Get out of the wardrobe!' Once this point is achieved there is no reclaiming of the thread, and posters will ahve to lie in wait for the chatterbees to move away.
Agent Crabtree: Is this person stoned? Or insane? Are they from another country? Another planet? Are they four years old? Are they trolling? Are they typing wearing large boxing gloves? Nobody knows. It is hard to make any sense of this poster, as doing so would mean wading through the masses of bad spelling, text speak, Typos, randomness, bizarre metaphors, obscure references, text blocks, Swahili and morse code that makes up these posters' contributions. Like their namesake, this person just can't be understood. They post in a language with only 27 speakers, type out their full post in WingDings, or, if actually able to be read, reply to 'Should gay marraige be legal' with 'I think my kitten's turning into an elephant LOL. No seriously- he's getting huge. And he's grey...and part spider so he climbs walls... D you know where you get food for an upside-down elephant with whiskers? HEHE...'
When other posters encounter Crabtree, they only have one question for him. "What the hell...?"
Advert Bugs: These people are walking reps for their company. They will join a random forum and 'subtley' advertise their product. Sowmtimes they will post an ad on every thread, sometimes they will start a thread about how brilliant their product is. And, like over-enthusiastic salepeople in real life, they don't relent. Fortunately they're duration on the forum is limited, as they are soon found out and banned.
Humour Bugs: Of course, this is using the term 'humour' very lightly. These people's idea of a joke is to post something like 'There was once this girl Alice who was walking in the woods. She met this witch who killed her. If you don't copy this message to four other threads Alice's *** corpse will appear in your room and kill you with black magic. You must post now as this actually works it is so scary.' They have no sense of how tiresome and annoying this is, and are kept going by the fact that one person (and there's always one) will forward their chain letter. Alternatively, Humour Bugs might troll, create annoying sock puppets, hijack threads, post links to screamers or rick roll you not once, not twice, but a full on twenty seven times. Regardless of their form, they all think they're extremely edgy and witty. It is beyond their imaginations to think that anyone will ever want them to Just Piss Off.
Tim Nice-but-Dim Exactly why Tim posts homophobic comments on a gay forum, says fat people are all ill on a fat rights forum, or claims that Autism Speaks have the right idea on here is beyond most people's capacity, as Tim Nice-but-Dim isn't doing it to wind people up, argue with them or educate them. He just lacks any trace of introspection and common sense, and even when posting a horrifcally offensive or provocative comment, will stand by the fact that he is 'only asking' or 'wanted to point out that...' or 'just saying.' The idea that people might get upset never occurs to him until it's too late, and when somebody tell them they have traced his address to under a bridge he is genuinely stunned. (Me? Troll? Where on earth did you get that idea?).
Just realised how many typos there are in my last post...
Sorry for my boxing-glove typing.
Quickduck, you stole one of my ideas!
Not sure whether or not this is a true stroy - either way, it belongs here:
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland , he asked the audience for
total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,
once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said
into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa
dies.'
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced
the quiet... 'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil ***!'
Not sure whether or not this is a true story
It's not.
http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp
*grins* Fair enough - I found it quite interesting that they gave the "voice in the audience" a different accent every time...
Not sure whether or not this is a true story
It's not.
http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp
*grins* Fair enough - I found it quite interesting that they gave the "voice in the audience" a different accent every time...
Sure, but can you trust them?
XKCD
Hmmmmmm....
You have two cows jokes:
Christian: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You give him one of your cows. You feel content.
Capitalist: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Now you have one herd of cows.
Communist: You have two cows. The government seizes them and gives you the milk.
