Management Course
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
New ATM Rules
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
"After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary ; with your PIN written on the inside back page
.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20 Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Right Foot and Brain
You gotta try this!!
How smart is Your Right Foot ? ?
Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon.......
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
It's pre-programmed In your brain!
1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY ......)and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make Clockwise Circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your Right Hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!
This ^ reminds me of a very old one.
A man with no arms, one leg & three eyes was standing at a bus stop,
The bus arrived but was full, the conductor said " aye aye aye, you look 'armless enough, hop on.
Planet Louise - loved your post...
More than any of mine?
(and since when did sealions live in trees?)
Probably around the time Elephants were in Mini cars..or upside down in custard...
Subject: The OTHER Laws of Murphy
1 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7 If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9 The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10 The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
11 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
12 When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking system.
In the last 7 days the famous Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song. Shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop. Meanwhile, analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank, where it is feared that customers may get a raw deal.
The price of Petrol versus Printer Ink
All these examples do NOT imply that petrol is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
You will be really shocked by the last one!
(At least, I was...)
Compared with Petrol......
Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz £1.29 .. £10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ...........£9.52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ......... £10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ...... £33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz E8.35 ... £178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 . £123.20 per gallon
Tippex 7 oz £1.39 ....... . £5.42 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz £1.49..£21.19 per gallon! £21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
You don't even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................
(you won't believe it....but it is true........)
£5,200 a gal.. (five thousand two hundred pounds)
So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!
Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump...
UK joke.... no offense to anyone intended.
Nutrition facts
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.'
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
-------------------------------------------
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the
final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
Sometimes government officials need to appreciate that they don't know everything. Talk about attitude!
A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation'.
The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there'.
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep. running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep. with every step. The Rep. was clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out ... 'Your card! Show him your card!'
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