Aspies For Freedom

I had a boyfriend like that who wanted me to be rail skinny............I am a larger built woman who cannot be healthy at 120 pounds like he wanted. Only thing he seemed to like on me were my chichi's. I eventually dumped his ***.

Boy we sure manage to find these dicks don't we? I was a jeans and t-shirt gal than as I am now. I was not going to let some guy dictate to me.

Rossco- I don't think all men are like that. I know better. I can't however overlook the ones that are. As for being feminine and pretty, I could be that in a heartbeat. I have done it. I have chosen not to. Let the guys take a turn wearing high heels, panty hose, dresses, makeup and feminine hairdos. None of that *** is comfortable to me. I doubt too many women would admit it is either but society sort of wants us to do these things.

IMVU is a virtual messenger, similar to msn in the way you have a contacts list of your friends and you choose to talk to people but IMVU takes this concept further and you create a 3D doll of yourself, similar to the sims. You also have a room which you decorate with objects you buy with points you can either buy or earn them though things like inviting others. The doll you create of yourself is not an honest representative of what you actually look like because there is limited options which are designed to make you look good.

I had meant to post a response on the thread about Heather because i didn't feel it was fair that she was criticised for her appearance but never got around to it, i'm glad that you were able to learn another point of view and you are now more open to another type of person. I also wanted to post about my experiences of being an attractive aspie and the attention that comes with it. I started being attractive when i was 13 and started to care and make an effort with my appearance, before i had very short hair which made people think i was a boy, also i had glasses which gave me the nickname of Harry Potter. I was terrified of girly things like make-up before hand.
When i was 13 i started wearing contacts and had finally grown out my boys hair cut which made a big difference to the social context i was in which was difficult because people are more aware of you making it harder to be invisible. I did so many things wrong and humiliated myself and hurt others while learning how to act ( for example when boys would ask me out i would just sneer and say no, regardless of what i thought about them, because i was unable to tell if they were being serious and sometimes they were not so if i said yes then they would laugh and everyone would then take the piss), it took years to learn how to navigate a situation with unwanted attention and i am quite proud of my skills that i now have (although they aren't perfect they are good enough to live with).

A bad thing about looking good is when i am on the street, surrounded by people i don't know it can be scary when someone who is a lot older than me trys to make advances or starts talking to me. When i was 14/15 a man (around 25-35) in his car stopped it and started talking to me, calling me "baby" and asking me to give him a smile (the man eventually drove off). I get out of those situations by walking fast (although if its too fast then it lets them know you are trying to get away from them and this gets their attention even more), being an aspie helps because not looking someone in the eye and having a blank expression shows the person you arn't interested so it gets rid of unwanted attention.

Being attractive does have benefits which i learnt from my transition (before i was 13 i was mocked at school for being ugly), for example people are a lot nicer to you, which is because of the halo theory where people naturally assume that people who are attractive are also kind, friendly etc because of some mating reason (my knowledge of this theory is blurry) which has helped me make friends with female as well as males which has been useful because i find it hard to go out of my way to prove i am a nice person, often i manage to insult people when giving a complement and so its easier if people give you more opportunity to show who you are as a person to then make friends.

Being attractive reduced the amount of bullying i encountered at school because males that fancied me would then defend me when someone would pick on me, although being attractive also counter-acts this because other girls who are insecure get jealous and theres also the occasional male that shows his like of you by being nasty to get your attention. I do enjoy the attention i get from looking attractive although i am lazy so i don't always make the effort, but when i do it is fun because it gives me an ego boost which sometimes is very useful when you are feeling bad about yourself and also it causes social situations to occur with very little effort which is handy because i can get very shy, especially around people i don't know well. When i am in a scenario at school with people who arn't my friends, looking attractive gives me the confidence to go up to males that i know but who i don't know very well and start a conversation with them which is important for me to be able to do because i do like to socialise and will get lonely if i spend too much time alone (by too much time i would say a week or two although this time period decreases to a couple of days during term time)

I actually greatly enjoy make-up and grooming (the term i use for facewash, toner, etc) which i know makes me a very odd aspie. The reason is i enjoy art and use my face as another way to express my creativity using mainly eyeliner which is most similar to colouring pencils and paint. Also i find grooming a good way to relax and i love stroking my face when its really soft.

I can sympathize with you in regards to bad boyfriends ( the kind in your "only likes you because you're pretty" category). My last boyfriend, although by the sounds of it was not as bad as you have experienced, was very manipulative. We went out for a year and a half which is an extremely long time because i was so young went we started dating (14). He took advantage of the fact i'm autistic to control me and get what he wanted. He would often tell me by behavior and responses were wrong even when they weren't, they just were not he wanted me to do. He also played on clichaes with autism such as i didn't show enough emotion to him to make me feel bad about myself which was untrue because i knew myself i was constantly showing affection towards him which other people could confirm (because of him i now depend on others to conform that my behavior is right, although less now we are separated).

He would often make me feel like i had to change because there was a problem with me, which before the diagnosis (i got diagnosed mid way though our relationship) i didn't get. Before i was autistic i was unique (that reference is to his view point, not meaning that i used to not be autistic which i know is impossible), which he admired and loved about me because he himself is a weak conformist who wishes that he had the inner strength to be completely himself which he tries to counter-act with various methods of acting weird which are very clearly rehearsed (even to me!) . I did not have these realisations while i was in love with him, only when i finally broke up with him i realised what a fool i had been to go out with him.

AFF actually caused a crack in our relationship (which i am glad for) because before i joined AFF i blamed a lot of my problems on being autistic, i thought that it was unfair for me to have it (since i have plenty of other problems such as dyslexia) and that if i didn't have it then my life would be easier and my boyfriend wouldn't get angry with me. But AFF changed my perspective completely, because of the positive role models that are here (I used to be the only autistic person i know) and has made me proud of the fact that i'm autistic and more confident with myself which then made me better able to defend myself against people like him. My boyfriend hated me chatting here and found it a lot harder to undermine my confidence.

My boyfriend would often lie to me about things which irritated him a lot because i would remember everything he told me and so knew from that when he was lying, he would use my doubt from my trouble with facial expressions to tell me i was wrong which damaged my confidence.

The irony about that relationship is that he was the first one to suggest autism for me which then caused me to research it and get a dx. He suggested it to me when be observed my behaviour at sudden changes to my plans (my extreem anger and upset even if my plans were only delayed by 5 mins), i had no knowledge about autism before he mentioned it and i found it explained pretty much all my unexplainable things about me.

I am much happier with myself now i am single, instead of spending energy on him i now focus on having friends. Looking back i realise i have written a lot complaining about my ex which i am sorry for but i have very limited areas to release these feelings since i still have to see him everyday at school, share my friends with him and act nice and civil towards him while he still makes comments towards me, the most recent being "you sound like a mass murderer".grr.

Maybe what I'm feeling is a bit of the-grass-is-greener syndrome, but all of these attractive people writing about unwanted attention from people who are interested in them is depressing. I get unwanted attention, too, but for the opposite reason. I get sneers, rolling eyes, looks of disgust and repulsion - and that's from the polite ones. I may be an Aspie, but that body language is loud and clear. I guess I'm really glad I miss the suttle stuff.

Unwanted attention from attractive people that find me attractive? Maybe I wouldn't like it - but I'll never know. Gad, people, even if it was negative, count your blessings. Try being dog-ugly. See how you like that attention.

That is an expected reaction from people who perceive that you think that "playing their game" is stupid. They perceive that you have rejected them, and they're copping a 'tude. It's not a reaction to the way you look, per se; not an assessment of the the raw material. That's alot different than the "get your eyes off me, you disgustingly ugly creep" sneer.

I'd rather blend in and disappear, but my appearance does not lend itself to that end. In the human zoo, there are two exhibits that draw the biggest crowds: the beauty pageant and the freak show. Frankly, I would avail myself of whatever there was to offer - even cosmetic surgery - if it would enable me to disappear into the crowd of average.

You choose not to "play the game". That is a valid choice, and I respect that. The point is that you could play if you chose to, and would be accepted. I do not have that choice. All things considered, I'd gladly take the sneers and rolled eyes you get: it's not the sneer, it's what it means. Wanna trade places?

The grass may look greener on the other side, but it often covers weeds.  By that I mean that everyone has problems and the person who may look wonderful to be, may have so many little problems hidden inside them.  I've had that feeling when it comes to attractiveness as well.  It's no help, because you're still left living in the body you have.  Just have to learn to accept what you have and do the best with it.

From my experience it's your personality that shines through that people are really attracted to anyway.  The way you move, smile etc etc.  Seems the way someone looks even in photos encompasses a part of their personality and that's what the people who are attracted to them see.  I think of it as a percentages game.  Some people have a larger percentage of people who are attracted to what they look like and some people have a smaller percentage.  I have always tended to have a smaller percentage of people attracted to me.  I figure there are things I really like about my personality though and I wouldn't want to change myself for one of those really attractive women.  I find the ones who get the most attention can be really boring people.

to be honest, i think i understand that now.

just sick of the whole game.

*sigh*

Look everyone, all I'm trying to say is that some wanted attention comes along with the unwanted for you attractive people. Many posts mentioned boyfriends or relationships. So, some didn't work out, but you had them. You had people approach you. No one has ever approached me. I have never been on a date, and I never will.

It's all well and good to say that you have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin, but that's a helluva lot easier when the skin you're in is attractive to others - or is at least not repulsive to others. In isolation, I really don't give a hang what I look like. I'm as comfortable as I can be about it. Try being comfortable in your own skin when a group of attractive people pass you walking down the street, and point and LAUGH, not caring that you can hear their derogatory comments as they go by. If you can withstand that repeatedly, you're not human, you're a saint. (tenaciouscj: I didn't mean to diminish your experience of getting rolled eyes and sneers from shopkeepers because you prefer the natural look. It's horrible being devalued like that. Surely, however, you are still approached, as there are people who like the natural look and what it implies about your values. I think of such approaches as a sort of positive feedback. On the other hand, no one likes the double-ugly look. Also, I didn't mean to imply that you could be social if you wanted to, just that, as you said yourself, you can vary the approaches you get by playing up or playing down what people like to see. The approaches I get never vary from zero, no matter what I do. Sorry for the confusion.)

How about a metaphor: Imagine an unhappy rich person telling a homeless person that "money isn't everything." I doubt the homeless person would be very sympathetic. But I'd bet if that rich person lost everything and was homeless for a while - long enough to know what it really means to be homeless - when they got their money back they would be a lot more appreciative of it. I'd trade places with any of you to be able to squirm in some unwanted attention for a while.

But, then, none of you can identify with that, can you? I mean, you could probably no more imagine what it's like to be homeless than what it's like to be double-ugly.

No, I wouldn't know what to do with attention if I got any, or know how to act if I was approached. Maybe a few people could get past my dismal social skills, and friendships would form. Maybe they wouldn't work out eventually; some might like me just because I was attractive, but not like anything else about me. I would hope for at least one to like me for who I am. My point is that no one can get to know the person within unless they knock at the door, and that's alot more likely to happen if you're not living in the Addams family mansion. Sure, no salesmen knock and bother me, but no one knocks, and that hurts.

I understand the unwanted attention thing. It's annoying; it's scary or can make you uncomfortable; it makes you feel objectified and devalued as a person. Yes, I get it; I really do. From my perspective, though, it's a little hard to fully sympathize with those of you getting approached because you're attractive. Being denegrated and the object of ridicule because you're ugly devalues you a whole lot more, and from that perspective, being approached can mean that you have value. Superficial? Maybe, if that's as far as it goes. But it can open the door and lead to someone appreciating your real worth. Is that really so hard to understand?

This thread has discussed attention and attractiveness from a female/male relationship perspective. This carries an implied a sexual context, but this aspect is not germane to the core issue as asexual relationships would be basically the same. Really, would anyone want ugly friends or an ugly asexual partner?

I can identify with that. I used to be ugly, now i am not. I know what it is like to be ugly and accept the fact that no one will ever like you like that. And i have experienced what it is like to suddenly become attractive. Because of this i know that i am lucky and i appreciate my looks. But i also know there are alot more important things than beauty such as personality. Being attractive is useful for an ego boost once in a while but it doesn't result in permanent happiness.