Aspies For Freedom

My 10 year old son flips out most nights when he looks at his homework.  The volume or difficulty or some other aspect will freak him out.  And that is despite all the accommodations he is allowed (we can sign him out even if it has not all be finished based on time passed; he can dictate to me instead of writing himself, and so on).

Last night the issue was one specific language arts page that he thought was way too much, so I took a pen and blacked out half the sheet, hoping that once the visual volume was reduced he could process better that he did not have to do it all, just make an effort and get some practice.  But he STILL was all freaked out.  So I tried skipping that subject and doing one of his favorites.  But all he could think of was that with 4 different things to do, it was all too much.  He wasted over an hour upset about how much homework he had to do - when if he had been able to sit down for 50 minutes, he would have been signed out.  He knows it's a waste, we all do, but he can't get past the freak out.

Eventually, by fluke, he did go beyond the mental barrier last night, and managed to spend a solid hour getting work done, actually having a good time with it.  He had gotten so upset at my trying to help him with some math that apparently I was doing wrong (not on purpose, lol) that he stopped to show me how he had been taught to do it.  He loved doing that, explaining it to me.  As problems melted away by him showing me the process, everything became less scary to him.  But I can't use that every night, because it's a rare method that I don't have down pat, and he knows it.

My son and I talk about developing a process for going past the roadblock, but we don't have one yet.  He would really, really like one.

Has anyone experienced this and what processes have you found work to make the assignments seem less intimidating?

I don't really know how to help in this situation... it seems kids have SO much more homework now...

But I always enjoyed teaching my younger sibs... helped a lot actually, both to retain the info and get myself to think through any problems I was having with it myself. Maybe you can continue to play dumb? I know you said that won't work regularly, but do you think he might be interested in 'teaching' it to you?

My kindergartner gets overwhelmed by homework sometimes, but I know there's a HUGE difference...  I had read when I was dealing with her that a lot of homework problems are perfectionism problems and that its better to do it at night to get it done quickly, that way they have an 'out' to tell themselves, "I didn't have enough time to do it perfectly... so its okay." So we started doing homework in the evenings, to build her confidence.

Don't know if any of that helps, I just saw that you had posted and I was glad you're back.

This thread has hit upon a 'pet peeve'

I believe that the US should go back to where homework for kids up to grade eight was illegal. If they hadn't been so paranoid about the threat from Russia during the Cold War it might still be illegal, and the rest of the world would not have followed into this ridiculous spiral of competitive education. Why the **** do we have international league-tables of educational outcomes?

My generation got homework as a matter of course in secondary school. Forty minutes per week per subject, divided into two twenty-minute sessions, rising to one hour in Third Form (year nine). This, apparently, was to 'prepare us for self-regulated study at University'.

When my oldest kids reached year six (the school year they turned eleven) they were assigned homework 'to prepare them for having to do it at Secondary School'. I strongly objected to the school, on the grounds that such reasoning could be used to drive the homework load down to pre-schoolers. Sadly, it appears that I was right.

However, I am not the only one who thinks that the whole idea of homework is mad:

High school teacher Phil Lyons has become a heretic: He refuses to assign homework.

I have refused to bully my kids into doing homework. It only makes them less inclined to enjoy to schooling in the first place and sours my relationship with them. They are doing OK at school. Generally: either they have learned whatever they are supposed to in the first ten minutes of the class, and any further work on the subject is 'boring' ; or they have failed to grasp it and are just going to be totally lost unless the subject is taught in a completely different manner, usually by me.

It seriously annoys me that parents are expected to be untrained, unpaid teachers of our kids; yet we then get stick for 'doing it wrong'.

Abandon homework. Return to the concept of childhood. The reason that so many of our kids are zoned-out in front of the telly/computer is because they are exhausted from the outrageous amount of time-wasting make-work they are sent home with from school.

In high-school I always had a hard time with homework in school and often didn't end up being able to focus on it enough unless of coruse it was a kind of homework that I actually enjoyed like drawing or creative writing.

in grade.9 english, after a while of uncompletion of homework my teacher made my Mom and I both sign a contract saying that I Mom would have to sign a sheet saying that I did my homework and check it before school each day and then my teacher would also sign... (it was a sheet taht I was given) after about a month with my homework complete for the whole month I asked him to take us off of the contract and he refused...

Kindy kids shouldn't be getting ANY homework and I fully agree with what Tigger posted too. There is too much idiotic competition too soon.

Ellen, I think you might be expecting a bit much of your daughter in some ways eg. with the poem reading. It's no use getting angry with her about stuff like that. I'm sure she will turn out fine if you just back off a little and let her go at her own pace.

Everyone says that kids get too much homework really is not helping.  It is true.  Once you stop making him do it then he will likely know that he can get out of it.

I think sometimes giving kids some control and choice in how they do something might be good for him to feel better about it.  It will help him to learn to control his emotions and organize his time.  You might let him do the work in 15 minute bits with a break of doing another activity.  He could try using a kitchen timer.   Sometimes solving our own problems just makes better sense to us.  He might also find that he would like to do the homework before dinner or after dinner.

I used to have a problem of "freaking out" over homework.
Although in my case it was pure lack of self-confidence. I received very little help from my parents but at the same time they would both reprimand me if I got anything lower than a B.

Whenever I struggled with something, I was convinced that all of my peers must have found it really easy and that I was just really stupid and that I would never do well, and would never have a chance at a career etc.

I don't know if this is the problem for DW_a_mom's son as it sounds like you are far nicer and significantly more supportive they my parents ever were!

Although having said that, even children with fantastic parents can still sometimes have issues with low self-esteem.

Another issue in my case was that I had undiagnosed autism and learning difficulties. Once these were diagnosed I was able to be taught appropriate strategies to manage and organise work. Again, this didn't fix all of my problems, but it enabled me to make things more manageable and also it helped me realise that it is okay to find things difficult. It is what you do about the difficulties that counts (e.g. do you give up or do you persevere?).

I think Ellen's strategy of getting Hope to be taught study skills is an excellent idea, and there are now an increasing number of teachers / tutors / educational psychologists who specialise in teaching study skills to suit the needs and working methods of people on the spectrum or with Specific learning difficulties etc.

Thanks, all!  Sorry it took me so long to come back, but it is the holiday season and life is crazy.

I think all the comments are useful in one way or another, even if not all directly related to the original focused question.  Tigger, so much of what you said is how my son feels, although he hasn't got all the intellectual back up on it yet.  That is definitely one of the road blocks for him, that he cannot internalize a good reason for having to do homework.  If he doesn't believe in something, it is that much more difficult for him to do.  That homework is required, or will affect his grades, is just not good enough.  He needs to see, internally, how it helps him learn.  I've talked about the concept of practice, and how that cements learning, but he honestly feels he has no need for that, and the only subject I can currently prove him wrong in is spelling, but his teacher this year doesn't give spelling as homework.

M, we already do most of what you have suggested.  He can break his homework up and select when to do it, and so on.  He is very involved in deciding how to approach it, and has been active in discussions with us about how to keep it from being such an issue.  He wants to solve it as much as we do.

I have noticed, as has been commented above, how accommodations can be a dual edge sword.  I try to be very careful about the balance:  what does my child NEED v. what does he WANT.  As a parent, it is my job to respond to NEEDS, but not all WANTS.  I am actually stricter than the school would be on some of it, because I know my son will take every out that is offered, but at some point he does have to learn the lesson all children need to learn:  sometimes you do something just because you are told to.  It's a life skill thing.  Yes, it will be more difficult for him than an NT, and he's going to come into that skill a lot slower than NT's, and he may never have it at the same level as NT's, but he'll still need to be able to pull that skill out of the hat when absolutely necessary.

I wonder if I could find a homework tutor, or organizational skills tutor.  My son's school gave him this great homework record book, and had all the kids buy divided binders to help them organize and track, but after the first two weeks my son stopped using any of it.  I guess he doesn't yet see the value of taking the extra step in the short term.

An outside tutor who is not emotionally involved with your child could indeed be helpful. Quite often, uni students are looking for a bit of work as tutors or maybe you could ask at the school.

I would like to know why homework is so important myself as the only homework I saw as important was assignments.

The whole philosophy of homework in pre-college education is really messed up. They say in elementary school, "It's preparing you for junior high." In junior high, "It's preparing you for high school." In high school: "It's preparing you for college." Not really! Term papers, yes, that prepares for college, as do in-class essays (a necessary evil that I hate, but it does indeed prepare you for college). And of course there should be steps to help student prepare for that rather than just hitting them with a term paper at the end of high school.

In reality, college is made up of lectures, discussion, studying, and exams (and labs for science lab courses). The purpose of homework should be helping students develop better study habits. The only way I ever got myself to actually do any homework was to look at it as a part of studying. The way I learn is primarily through independent study and discussions and asking teachers to help me understand things. Notetaking and homework are almost completely extraneous to how I learn (unless, again, if it's a term paper, or something useful like that).

I had the same types of problems throughout schooling. It helps me if I let myself pace and listen to music (or whatever relaxing thing I feel like doing at the moment) for a half hour or so, rather than waste three hours panicking about it (the reality for me for years of my education). From there, I go back, and I look at the minimal amount to do. I learn to bargain with myself (OK, I'll do ten minutes or so of this unpleasant/difficult activity, then I'll spend maybe 20 minutes doing this thing I like, 5 minute break to get something to drink...etc.) This helps me a lot because of the anxiety and my poor attention.

I hope you find something that works!

That's a lot. I wonder why a bit more of it couldn't be done in class.

That's the main difference between high school and college, I think, aside from the way it's scheduled and independence and stuff. In high school, the homework IS your studying. Apparently most of the honor students at my school spend many additional hours of study beyond homework, but for me homework takes so long, I don't get to do the kind of studying that helps me. Homework often takes away from reading the text.

In college, you are expected to spend a number of hours outside of class studying (usually 3 hrs/1 hr in class, or 9 hrs/1 week), but there's no homework with that, no "worksheets" or anything. It's read, take notes, make flashcards, whatever works for you. So for those who have effective means of studying on their own already devised, and for whom the school system doesn't serve with its assignments, college is probably actually easier than high school in terms of HOW it's taught. Of course, the material is more advanced, so as a net effect it is harder, and those who have learned to rely on the high school system will have trouble with the HOW, too.

Earthmonkey,

I really liked your description of how you learned to get yourself through your homework.  I could see much of what my son goes through in your writing.  I just read your last paragraph to him, and he's going to think about developing guidelines for himself.  Perhaps if he designs them he may actually follow them, eh?

I realize there will be no magic bullet here.  It will probably always hold him back from the top grades his IQ might otherwise earn him, but ....  If he can just get through, get good enough grades to go to the college he needs to go to, etc., to do what he wants to do in life as an adult, that will be good enough.  I just hate the idea of this one issue (well, there are a few more, but all can be managed, I believe) holding him back from his dreams.  He knows what he wants (to be an inventor), and he should be able to get there.

But are they his dreams or your dreams?

Valid question, Pakrat, but I really do believe this is HIS dream.  My influence is only to help him understand how to make a living off of it, so he doesn't starve to death in front of his latest invention.  Assuming the dream holds past puberty.

And it could still change.  We aren't locking him into anything.  After all, it's difficult enough just getting him through school and all that regular school involves.  I'm not looking for steller grades, nor the ability to get into the best colleges.  But if he is going to invent that machine he described to me the other day, he is going to need to learn, someday, some engineering.  Which means he'll need to go to college - any college will be fine - but he will need some college.

I really hope that I do no more than help him find the road for the things he already wants.  But, heck, parents are human and we can never be sure.  We can only try.