It bothers me sometimes, that at 24 I've never really had a relationship. I've had a handful of dates before, but they've been consistently bad, and either due to a set-up, an approach on her part or me being drunk and upset. My longest relation, if I can even call it that, was around two weeks long, with few meetings, no affection, and her finding someone else in between.
It doesn't bother me that much most of the time, but I've just hit a problem. Right now, it's one of those rare occasions where I'm attracted to someone.
It's happened twice, three-times before, and I've never managed to successfully pursue these cases. I think it's happening again with this girl in my university course. I've gotten to talk to her a couple of time, but though our conversations are interesting, my lack of talking skills means I can't maintain them for long, leading to silence soon enough. I've no contacts apart from meeting on campus, and no real reason to ask for any.
It frustrates me to get stuck when I want to keep talking to her. It makes me too aware of my shortcomings, and it fills me with dread. I suspect it will end up like my previous experiences - some quick-thinking NT with less hang-ups takes the plunge I don't know how to take.
Hmmm....mate I can sympathise because I have been there done that and have the scars to prove it.
I have no real advice. they may say wait...your time will come, observe others, don't let it get you down, maybe the other person wasn't ready, blah, blah , blah...at the end of the day you know it is a weak point of yours. You have to learn to accept that you are going to be humiliated and embarrassed occasionally for trying and that this is not a bad thing. Your alternative is not to try and feel lonely in your safety.
That is really all I can say. Mate you are far from alone here in this respect
I struggled with dating as well. I remember a guy in university who was really sweet and I think interested in me, but I was too shy to do anything and I guess he was as well.
Anyway, my suggestion is to think of somewhere to invite her to. Maybe a movie.. maybe some sort of information session, maybe an activity, like rock-climbing, bush-walking. I've always found activities are the best thing to base a social meeting around. It gives you a basis to talk about and from there it is generally easier to relax and move into actual conversation.
I am also not very talkative. One-on-one conversation has always been painfully awkward for me. But one strategy I find helpful is to preliminarily think of a bunch of questions to ask her. When you meet her, ask those questions and let her do most of the talking. When she mentions something of interest to you, you can briefly take over and elaborate on that topic.
Thanks for your replies, all of you. It's a bit embarrassing to talk to people who would know who I'm talking about directly, so having someone to tell this to has a calming effect.
rossco and Bella
I'm trying to think of an activity to get into, though at this stage I'm admittedly a bit afraid of outing myself so that makes finding the occasion a bit hard. I am aware that I have to embarrass myself some time. I've done it previously, without much success. Thing is, what frustrates me a lot here is that this is where my weaknesses affect me most. I can cope with zoning out with friends and the like, but the fact that relationships are monopolistic brings up a competitive edge to this that i can't handle too well. I know I need to take action, but I don't know what action to take, let alone how to do it well.
Tonic
With that said, I must admit I find your suggestion very interesting. When talking to people, I do sometimes have something prepared beforehand. This is by accident, and rarely extend beyond the odd question. I am studying journalism, so thinking up questions to gather information is something I can do to some extent. Wonder why I've never thought to apply that in real life, but I'm certainly giving myself some extra homework today.
In case someone's interested, and to get it out of my chest, I'll put the first, and probably last update to my story.
Well, what I've learnt right now is that timing is sometimes crucial. In between my sporadic meetings with her, and just as I'd decided to act on this, she starts a relationship with someone. That's life I guess. We've become closer friends, though. It's not what I want, but feeling someone holds you in esteem is not too bad. Especially when it's someone you hold in very high esteem.
At this stage I almost feel relieved, though the past has thought me that disappointment will probably hit before long. I'll probably keep the friendship up for now. Given that her studies are going to take her abroad in a few months, I don't see any chance of something ever happening in the future. Pity. Here's to hoping someone else has a similar effect on me soon, because sometimes I really feel I must act on this aspect of my life, and I rarely get motivated enough unless I am really attracted to someone.
Thanks to the people who helped me out here. I know nothing happened, but the support did make me feel this was less of a threatening experience than I originally felt it to be. And in a nod to the romantics, I'll use this space to give her the thanks I will not deliver personally, for making me feel these strong emotions, for making me feel alive.