wierd... how did I put callista's name in there???
Sorry, that should say, "Max wrote"
People get us mixed up all the time. I'm the one with the goatee. 
How to stop getting wet when it rains... Don't forget the umbrella!
How to stop spending money... Give it all away!
How to stop having to spend money on toilet paper... Surf on your bare butt!
How to stop getting your hair wet when take a shower... Get clean, shaven!
Poorly put joke last one. I admit it!
How to stop - Religious Conflict
1) Tell everyone to convert to YOUR religion
2) Kill everyone who refuses
How to Get a Girlfriend
1) make a list of 250 factors that would make a woman unacceptable
2) throw away list
3) approach 50 random girls every day and ask them to be your girlfriend
4) when this fails, increase number of girls per day to 100
5) continue until A) you are arrested or B) someone agrees to be your girlfriend
6) in case of A) refer to book "How to Get Out of Jail"
7) iin case of B) go out with girl and, over dinner, explain to her why she's going to hell
8) repeat steps 1-7 until dead
How to stop jumping up and down... Get a concrete overcoat!
How to stop being Ian Moore... Change your name!
More How To Get A Girlfriend.
(7) Repeat steps 1-6 until you have a wide circle of friends ie. no-one wants to be get any closer than 10 metres to you.
I LOVE this joke! Puns rule! 
How to stop walking in a straight line.
Superglue one foot to the floor.
Oh, that's a classic and one I've heard so many times too!
For women: how to get a boyfriend.
Get a prefrontal lobotomy and a new wardrobe.
1) How to become popular by being the real you:
Make the real you into a clone of everybody else.
2) How to cure intolerance of people different from you:
Kill everybody who's different from you.
3) How to become a Rocket Scientist:
Change your name to "Rocket Scientist"
4) How to fit in:
Withold any opinion you think the others would disagree with.
5) How to relieve yourself of responsibility when #4 results in horrible injustice:
Wait until everybody else says how wrong the injustice was, then repeat #4
Oh, that's a classic and one I've heard so many times too!
For women: how to get a boyfriend.
Get a prefrontal lobotomy and a new wardrobe.
Ouch! Us men are really that bad?
Not you, Rossco. What gave me the idea was various self-help books by women for women telling them how to find the man of their dreams. Boiled down, the advice was to give up any trace of individuality or having their own opinions and to doll themselves up more and certainly NEVER to wear slacks or jeans.
I just took the idea a bit further to suggest the way to destroy individuality and free thought was to get lobotomised.
It wasn't meant to denigrate guys but just the self help books.
The best of already sexisting threads with posts by ?????
What gave me the idea was various self-help books by women for women telling them how to find the man of their dreams. Boiled down, the advice was to give up any trace of individuality or having their own opinions and to doll themselves up more and certainly NEVER to wear slacks or jeans.
A bit like some of the late 50' / early 60's songs.
In short if a woman doesn't do her hair & look her best all of the time...her man will find someone who does........could that have been Barbie?
Maybe. I wasn't trying to say that a woman looking for a boyfriend was stupid but that some of the advice out there was for her to make herself into somebody with looks but little intelligence.
How to lose weight:
Buy my new diet book, available only in the UK. You'll lose pounds that you'll never see again!
And I'll gain them....
£
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How to stop being afraid:
Lose consciousness.
How to improve your vocabulary:
Read the dictionary.
How to fix your computer:
Open it up and fix it!
How to stop taking stupid advice:
Buy my "How to stop taking stupid advice" advice book.
